Single Dad Laughing has been going for nearly twelve months. Since it started, I’ve been given the same bit of advice by just about everybody, always with good intentions. They say, “you’re just going to have to develop thick skin.” It usually comes during the discussion of the handful of real idiot things that have been said to me or about me since starting this thing.
I’ve always been a sensitive person. Some would say that I’m too sensitive. Don’t get me wrong. When people tease me in good humor or with sarcasm, I don’t mind at all. Heaven knows I know how to dish a healthy dose of such banter out myself. But when people purposefully try to hurt me with their words… well… who am I kidding? It hurts.
So what does it mean to develop thick skin? To me it means I have to pretend. I have to pretend that it doesn’t affect me. I have to pretend that it doesn’t influence me. I have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt or get me down. I have to pretend that I don’t have… feelings.
Hmmm… It sounds dangerously like the words I heard every once in a while growing up after other kids called me Fat Ass or worse. “You just have to learn to not let what they say affect you.”
What they were really saying was…
“You have to bury it.”
“You have to sweep it under the rug.”
“You have to pretend it never happened.”
“You have to be less than human.”
“You have to do whatever you have to do so that the rest of the world doesn’t have to bother with your story or your pain.”
Well, I didn’t buy it then, and I definitely don’t buy it now. Thick skin schmick schmin. That’s what I say.
If somebody hurts me, I’m allowed to hurt. And so are each of you. If somebody cuts me down, I’m allowed to be wounded. And so are each of you. If somebody is a complete jerk, I’m allowed to not like them because of it. And so are each of you.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Shakespeare wrote it so eloquently.
I am far from famous and I still get the occasional dollop of ugliness unloaded on me by people with nothing better to do with their lives. I can’t even imagine what real famous people get, especially those that try and do right in this world. I’ll tell you this much. I feel for some of them. The very fact that they’re celebrities makes most of us demand that they have no feelings at all.
Well, I can’t do it, I’ve never been able to do it, and I’ll never do it. I’ll never develop “thick skin.” And I don’t want to. To feel is human. To hurt is human. So why would I want to be less than human?
The funny thing is, I actually haven’t had much crap flung at me at all lately. I wanted to write about this now because every time I do encounter the trolls, I find myself trying to find a way to develop that thick skin. I find myself trying to find a way to avoid the topic of discussion. I find myself trying to make myself less than a person. I just never can.
To me, it doesn’t matter if a person is uber-famous or if his mother is the only one on earth who knows who he is, everybody is entitled to feel. Nobody should have to pretend like the idiocy, carelessness, rashness, and hurtfulness of others is without emotional consequence. Ever.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. What do you think? Do you believe people should develop thick skin? Do you think when somebody is “well known,” “popular,” or in the ”public eye” they should learn how to never be affected by the bad things, by the garbage, or by the trolls?
I think people who post replies should stop saying hurtful and mean things. People who are famous, or whatever, are normal people "on the inside", and should be treated with as much love and respect as the next guy.
I don't believe what people were saying was don't have feelings. That is probably you being "thin skinned" so to speak.
What people are possibly telling you is, yeah, you hurt, now get over it and don't make your hurt everyone else's issue. If, as you say everyone was saying this to you, it could be that you complained to a lot of people and often.
Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and emotions, but sometimes you have to remember that everyone isn't all about expressing their feelings to you. Some people internalize. That's their thing. They keep the hurt to themselves and process and deal with it in their own time, in their own way. Maybe the people you where telling all about your feeling were dealing with their own hurts and injured emotions. They were dealing with their problems maybe they couldn't see why you couldn't deal with your own.
Listen, if you were a big kid, then you were. I'm not saying people should have picked on you because of it, that's wrong. But everyone get picked on or hurt for something, some supposed so called "flaw" in themselves.
It may not have been where you could see it, they may not have talked to you about it, but it was there. Saying that people who internalize, who don't try to make their problems yours, or who don't let their bad day, their emotions rule their lives and further interactions are "less than human", is just plain mean. It belittles how they experience emotions as much as you seem to think well-meaning people telling you to develop a thicker skin does.
The fact is, when you learn to "buck up", "sweep it under the rug", essentially "turn the other cheek" the people trying to hurt you, lose their power. When you let that (to borrow a phrase from another reader) 50 cent thing become a $50 one, you just made your tormentor happy.
They win the battle for your feelings. You don't control how you react or feel, they do. So sometimes you just have to get over it. I have been there. I have been picked on. A lot. Take it from a girl whose sweet sixteen was attended by just herself. Don't let others define your emotions. Deal, then get over it. Isn't that what you've been telling your readers for will work for followers?
In the end, the one left complaining about the mean thing so and so said about me, the one dwelling on it, the one who cannot just get over it, the one who cannot sweep it under the rug, the one who cannot just learn to turn the other cheek is the one who commits suicide, the one who goes and guns down his/her classmates, the one who ends up in the asylum, the one everyone pities. Sometimes you just have to learn to let it go and get over the useless, hurtful, un-constructive criticism from those who could care less about you and whom you could care less about.
If people with "good intentions" are saying get over it and try not to let it get to you, maybe you should take their advice and not listen to those that don't have good intentions.
Just saying.
@faithsaidthat "turn the other cheek" isn't meant to ignore the insult, but force the offender to be made aware that they have offended. The physicality of being slapped with the back of the hand hurts, asking to be slapped again with palm as turning one's cheek does, puts a spotlight of the offense. Ignoring the problem doesn't resolve the problem. Thickening the skin of the victim doesn't progress the situation for either the victim nor oppressor. The reason why non-violence conflict resolution is so effective is because brings salvation (in the most secular of terms) to both the victimized and assailant.
How does toughening up the victim improve the perspective of the bully? When does the bully meet with accountability of his/her actions? What are values and principles that whenever force is inferred we should be dropped to avoid a protracted conflict? Malala Yousafzai stands up for education for herself and other girls, would you advise her to keep quiet and uneducated-- or worse yet that she was justifiable shot in the head? We should hold values to love our neighbor, to love our enemy, to do unto others as we would want to be treated; what we should not do is let the temper tantrums of maladjusted brats set the terms of what is accepted behavior.
BTW, I try and do my best to not hurt others' feelings. I do not believe in tip-toeing around everyone's emotional landmines, however. That means I have to repress how I feel and experience emotions and it's not fair to myself.
I try to be straightforward and as honest as I can without injuring people's emotions. I can be somewhat abrasive, I know. I am intimidating and opinionated. I get that. But that is me. I can and have torn people straight apart into shreds of weeping, wailing, shaking heaps with just the words I say (not even with defamatory or hateful speech) and with written word. But I make a conscious effort to gird myself.
Only real-life trolls get this treatment and usually not in defense of myself but in defense of someone else's feelings.
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Love, love, love your post. Thank you so much!!!
I’d much rather be someone who can be hurt because I don’t have thick skin, than to be someone who hurts others because I do.
I don't know how many hundreds of times I have heard something like, "No one can MAKE you _____ (happy, sad, depressed, etc.). Only you can control your emotions. I hate that attitude. I do believe that we can choose how to react, but when it hurts, it hurts. When it saddens, it saddens. We can't just stop feeling and be emotionally healthy if we don't FEEL. I have continued to read your posts for many reasons, but one of the biggest has been your ability to not retaliate when there are negative things being said.
Seems to me that when we're hurting for whatever reason, the stuff we do to avoid feeling hurt will jack us the heck up worse than just feeling the pain until we're done, processing it, and moving on. To me, it's not necessarily about thick skin or not, it's deciding for ourselves where that line is, and owning what hurts us (because that's the only real way to get un-hurt).
It's a subtle difference and slight tangent from what you're saying, but an important one.
Whatever pains us, well, it's there for a reason. When our bodies hurt, that physical pain is what tells us to be gentle with ourselves until the sprain is well, or the skin has knit back together, or the infection has cleared. It tells us where to treat what ails us. No different with emotion, really. The pain tells us what to work on so we can heal and be stronger. Trying to avoid it via thick skin or any other method dishonors the lesson and robs us of a chance to become better versions of ourselves.
This post is just what I needed to read! What I needed to hear! I needed to be told that it is ok to be who I am even if it means that I am sensitive! I have recently found myself in a position that I ended up getting hurt by the guy I was dating family. They would say hurtful things and they would lie and start rumors! It was heart breaking and the only advice that I got was you don't need to let it bother me. That I should just let it go. But I couldn't I had to bury it to hold it in and it was killing me! I needed to hear someone tell me that it is ok to feel! to be angry and hurt! Thank you very much for posting this!
I agree with Birch. Its not about Thick Skin. Feelings are feelings. The initial hurt and disbelief when someone says something unkind on a blog post is difficult to wade through at first. But remember that feelings don't always represent reality, and allowing them to rule our judgement, our thoughts, our ideas, our actions, can do us in. I think its about using our judgement to balance our feelings. Realize that perspective is just that, a perspective, and not the whole picture. You don't know if Joe Schmo is trolling cause he's having a bad day, or because he really disagrees with what you write, or because he is really a she who went to highschool with you and is taking a cheap shot. Either way, Joe does not matter to you. Your friends, your family, they do! I think its about taking our perspective, and putting it into place. My Dad always said "Don't have a 50$ reaction for a 50 cent event!" Its about gauging the reality of our feelings, and weighing it with truth. I might feel like I look like 300 lbs, but when I step on the scale, I'm 160. Reality is not in line with my feelings. Therefore, I need to allow reality, and facts, to inform my reaction. I need to let go, breathe a little deeper, and tell myself "You are 160." Thats what a "Thick Skin" to me, is about.
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I feel the same way. Everyone has pain, and while everyone could play the "My pain can beat up your pain" game for indeterminable amounts of time, man, we ALL feel and it's pointless to pretend we don't. Thanks for addressing something so fundamental. I hope someday we can all look at each other with sympathy, and be given the sympathy and understanding we deserve when bad things happen
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I've spent years trying to "change" into someone that I'm not. I'm me...love it or leave it. We cannot "make" ourselves any different. We can work on things that need to be worked on, but I agree with you. Embrace the YOU that you are. Become your own best friend. Thanks for this post, Dan, it just reiterates what's really important, loving yourself. Hugs, Tina
My first year teaching kindergarten, my principal told me I needed to develop a thicker skin, because I was letting parents' snide comments get to me. Sometimes it was just berating me because I was a) young b) held their child responsible for his/her actions or c) talked down to me because I wasn't their ethnic group. It was hard. I still have a fairly thin skin. Some days it's like tissue paper. Others it's a bit thicker. I'm learning, still, almost 20 years after I taught that first class.
I got a few "bad" reviews of my book and I had a hard time not feeling that it was a personal attack. I'm learning to laugh at it and realize that something must strike a chord with the critics, otherwise why would they spend 4 pages berating it and picking it apart piece by piece.
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People can be idiots, really. I hope that you don't let them get to you too terribly often. I've just started reading your blog recently, and I absolutely love your take on things. Blow a big fat raspberry at the trolls and keep on posting!
You said it already, Dan: we're humans--we're hardwired to have feelings. A thick skin is only a barrier through which you can't reach out and no one else can reach in. Thick skin may keep you "safe" from being hurt, but it will also keep you from being blessed by feeling genuine feelings and allowing yourself to feel them. Stuffing them only makes the effects come out in different ways--depression, anger problems, eating disorders, addictions, antisocial behavior, etc. Go with your heart AND your head and seek affirmation when you need it. It's OK to ask for someone to tell you something good about yourself because someone hurt your feelings. We all need affirmation because we all get hurt--at least those of us who choose to be fully human.
People can be ugly, but they can also be beautiful. Take the insults thrown at you and use them as fuel for your wisdom and insight. Use their crap to fertilize your flowerbed.
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I don't think it's needing thick skin per se, but life is much easier if you keep the opinions of strangers at arms length and the opinions of those who care about you close. If my partner, best friend, sister, etc. tells me something mean, it hurts a whole lot. If a stranger on the street says the same thing, well, what do they know.
I suspect that when people tell you to get a thicker skin, they are trying to remind you that most of us here reading your blog are strangers. You don't know if we're good parents, bad parents, just different parents with no tact, pedophiles, or people so messed up that the attention of a fight is the most human interaction we can hope for. And without knowing us, you shouldn't automatically take our least criticism (or tactless comment) to heart.
I am not saying you should suffer bullies. I am not saying you can't feel what you feel. I am not saying you shouldn't care. But you might be happier and more emotionally healthy if you have a little distance between the huge number of careless strangers and your heart.
At least I can blame my over-sensitivities to PMS, which I'm sure not even the metromalest of modern men can! ;)
I wish sometimes that I can be less sensitive and more thick-skinned. But then we forget that people are different and we need people that can feel deeply and hurt deeply as much as we need more insensitive people.
You probably wouldn't have a top-blog had you been the average rhino-skinned male? Maybe that is why all the wet-tissue-skin people congregate here. :p I'm not complaining.
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"remember that there is an actual person sitting at a computer behind those typed words" i think the main problem with the internet is that there is no face to face interaction, so you can be as cruel as you want without having to watch the pain you inflicted.
lovely post Dan, we don't want you to be less sensitive, we love you the way you are :-)
AWESOME post Dan! I agree totally. Thick Skin is NOT an option! We all have a right to our feelings and right to express how we r feeling. Owning our feelings is important. Having them validated is important; so when my kids tell me (or anyone else for that matter) that something is bothering them or how they feel I would NEVER advise to gett thick skin..... as an alternative action! That is ridiculous! Thank you as usual saying the tough things that need to be said! Keep on blogging Dan!
I try not to be bothered by hurtful comments made by someone whose opinion I don't respect...that generally includes people that I don't know, as well.
Here
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Here's the deal. You should care what your friends and family think about you, your choices & actions. They know you. They are aware of what went in to making the decisions that people who don't know you might question. I would never let someone who doesn't truly know me hurt me by passing judgement on me. They haven't heard all the evidence. They don't know my heart and therefore their opinions are nothing to me. They are entitled to think and say what they want, but I am entitled to not care. Learn to separate friends & family from acquaintances and the general public and only let those in your "inner circle" have the power to affect your feelings. If you called me a heartless bitch for having this philosophy, I wouldn't care because you don't know me. If my friends called me a heartless bitch for something, I would have to examine my actions.
Interesting post, Dan. Maybe if we spent more learning to be careful with our words, others wouldn't need to have "thick skin."
I think it helps when we know who we are. I know I am loved by God and I am His. I try to dwell on the truth of the fact that I am precious to Him and bought with a price. I have had scads and scads of unhealthy things hurled at me from my ex-spouse! Directly from his face, in the forms of emails & phone messages. Hate hurts! Part of how I deal with that is I realize it is first of all, NOT TRUTH and second of all, he seems to be broken that way - towards me. But heck yeah...it hurts, & I always sense that in admitting that he derives some sick pleasure from it! Anyways at the end of the day, I feel better after crying to God about the pain or sometimes yelling to God about my ex's ways. God knows and He has the power to bring along more good, so I have a good cry and trust Him. I am VERY THANKFUL I am not so calloused -that I can cry about it. Sign of emotional health! More effective than trying to soothe the pain with food, or shopping, or dating, or alcohol and whatever else people are tempted to go for to feel better. Sorry you have to deal with "haters" you sure don't deserve it! Think of how many people's days you make by just being you Dan :)
Coming from another with less-than-thick skin who only pretends not to care what others think about him (most of the time), I think the issue is feelings vs. reactions. We really can't help how we feel, no matter what anyone says, but we can control our reactions and hide those feelings from those who try to hurt us. Of course, some are better at hiding their feelings than others, but it goes without saying that reacting or overreacting to trolls just encourages them. Witty or snappy comebacks are often helpful, and can alleviate the hurt by turning the tables on said attacker. As far as being highly visible or in the public eye, part of the price for visibility is having a big target on your back, so learning how to deal with criticism and trolls comes with the territory. Sometimes it's going to hurt, but how you deal with that hurt makes a difference. Just don't surrender to the haters and take down your blog or quit sounding off about the subjects that matter to you, that's handing them an unqualified win.
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I don't think there is anything wrong with being sensitive...to the things worth being sensitive over. For example, broken glass makes me scream, but that would be an excessive response to a NERF ball.
There is, however, a difference between being sensitive and taking everything personally. Over the years, I have had the displeasure of dealing with a lot of hurtful and critical comments from all sorts of places. I found a lot of freedom in the realization that not everything is about me. Sometimes even words or behaviors that are directed AT me have nothing to do with me. Sometimes it's just broken people dealing with their own junk in an unhealthy way. I love how Maggie describes Captain Hook in the movie Hook. "He's just a mean old man who needs a mommy." Does that mean that their arrows don't hurt? No. But it does take away some of the force behind it. It doesn't lodge as deeply into my soul as it used to.
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I agree with "Nanny of 6" Consider the source is a good way to go. But at the same time, I know how the words can hurt...I grew up with "sticks and stones can break your bones, but names will never hurt you" Major lie! Names do hurt, and if we all develop thick skin, aren't we allowing those people to continue hurting others? I think first we have to consider the source, then realize it's a lie.but if we know them, let them know that what they said was hurtful. Some people don't realize that what they say is hurtful, they say they were just joking, " don't take it so personally." They need to learn to take responsibility too. Yes, we can choose to let it hurt us, but we also need to be honest and try to teach. I spend lots of my classroom days trying to help my students realize thaat the tongue can be mightier than the sword.
Hi Dan. Have you already drawn winners for the Real Dad's contest? We have lots of people who were awesome enough to vote for us, wanting to know the results. Will you post it here or on the contest page?
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During my formative high school years, I often invoked the line from a Jewel song, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." Keeping myself in the scary, open place of sensitivity makes me feel vulnerable. And yet, I never want to grow a thick skin. I still get my feelings hurt, but I'm getting better at not taking things personally. Instead, I remind myself that trolls always have some personal issue they are taking out on others. It's not me, and I shouldn't have to change just to accommodate their nastiness.
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I slightly disagree with this post. I agree that you're always allowed to feel. You shouldn't bury your feelings or pretend that you're not hurt. What I disagree with is what thick skin actually means.
I think developing thick skin doesn't mean that you pretend it doesn't hurt. I think it means that you have a bigger perspective. I think it means that you know who you are and where you're going and that the words of people who don't understand don't hurt you (as much) because you realize that they are coming from a place of ignorance.
Of course, when something hurts you don't pretend it doesn't. But hopefully, you can keep in perspective the good that you're doing in the world enough that you're able to weather the crap that people throw at you.
That's just my perspective. I certainly don't have thick skin. I've seen some of the cruel things people have said about you in the past. I don't know if I could handle it. Keep up the good work.
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I'm in my 60's, and I have noticed over the years that manners are really declining in a lot of people, and a lot of these people have become busy-bodies! They can't fix their own messed up life, so they get hateful with others to make themselves feel better. It is really upsetting. I'm also sensitive, and I've found that if I can make something funny of it later, I can get to where I can forgive them and get over it.. It just makes me sick to hear some of the hateful things people say to others, and the more public the figure, the worse the comments are! Calling someone as beautiful as Tyra Banks a fat ass is ridiculous! Actresses and actors who are over-weight get it even worse. The people are just jealous that the people they are trashing are successful, and they want their few seconds of fame.
UGH! This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves!It really irks me when people tell a child that they don't have to cry, they don't have to feel, or imply that they're feeling wrong. It's ok to feel, in fact, it's HEALTHY to feel. The concern should always be how those feelings are expressed, as naturally there are inappropriate ways of showing how we feel. Most important though, it's incredibly harmful to stuff the feelings. They will be felt, and will come up at a later date, until they are finally accepted and allowed to be worked through.
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As right as you are I also have to remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
The choice is ulitmately yours as to whether or not you allow others to determine how you feel. Not allowing others is not ignoring the issue or sweeping anything under the rug. It is you deciding to not let the misguided opinions of COMPLETE STRANGERS hurt you.
That being said I realize it's so much easier said than done.
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My dear sweet late Mother always told me to "consider the source". Most hateful speech comes from hateful (and frequently pathetic) people. And if it comes from a friend, tell them that what they said hurt you. Maybe, just maybe it was meant to be helpful. But hurt is real, so hurt and when you're hurting think about all the good things in your life and go on.
A wise thing to remember is "Anger is like acid, it does more damage to the vessel,(ones' self) than the person who caused the anger.
There are those who go through life like a cyclone, leaving devastation in their wake. Never concious of their responsibility for the "acid filled vessels" that spring up around them.
I've had a terrible time with forgiving those "cyclones". Found guidance in my Bible. It instructs that we should have a witness, and discuss with the abuser the reason for our anger, if they continue that behavior we have right to refuse to interact with them. I guess some may be unaware of the hurt they have caused, and would want to change if they are made aware, or we may have misunderstood intentions. Some will simply insist they are right.
I believe, Dan, that you have started that action in this blog. Onward and upward.
I was just wounded this week by someone I thought was a friend. I feel sick in my gut every time I think about it, which is about once every 10 minutes or so. That friend used words that were very cutting, and undeserved. They injured me to the core! Your words were comforting today! Thanks for sharing your heart! I love your blog!!
I have always thought of "having a Thick Skin" as something else. I have been through a lot in life and especially with abusive men. Each and every time, it makes my skin a little thicker, which, to me, means that I've learned more about people, pain, what I am willing to stand for and what I will Not stand for. It's growing a little stronger so that you know better next time, you are that much more wise. When somebody hurts you, it teaches you something, whether it is a lesson about that person or maybe even a little about yourself...every time will make you stronger, in one way or another. That was always my take on it anyways. I am proud of my "Thick Skin"... it's made me a better, stronger, wiser woman
I don't know that being told that you need to develop a thick skin means that you have to be less sensitive. If a random person on the internet sends you an e-mail telling you that you're an awful person, why should it matter to you? What is that person to you? If, on the other hand, it's someone you care about, then yes, it matters a lot to you because that person's opinion and regard means something to you.
I was very sensitive growing up and it took me years to get over the hurt and self esteem issues. I became confident by pretending to be confident, and by doing all that I could to succeed so that my shell of confidence would be meaningful. When I started working as a game programmer, I had to learn to evaluate criticism and outright trolling of my work from the random masses of the Internet and reviewers. I had to learn to ask myself if the criticism was fair, and if it wasn't, to ignore it. Even now, if I'm reading a hateful post on a forum about one of my games, I take the time to remind myself that it's not worth getting upset over his words.
Hateful words do hurt, and that's natural, but don't dwell on them. If you let other people's hate shape you, then you aren't being yourself.
I agree with you, Cari. Only the opinions of those that I know and respect carry weight with me. The opinions of strangers are meaningless.
This is great. You're spot on. I'm going to share the quote and your blog. Keep the faith ,my cyber friend.
I agree. You are allowed to hurt ...just don't hold on to that hurt longer than it is useful. I am one that is WAY TOO sensitive. I had a certain person who hurt me. And I held on to it. I realized at one point that I woke up being angry at this person, I thought about her multiple times during the day, I went to bed thinking how angry I was at her, and then I would dream about her all night long. I realized how silly it was to hang on to it to that point. She was affecting every aspect of my life and I know she rarely (if ever) thought about me. I had to let it go for my own good. If it's a point where it's useful to hurt...then hurt. No one has the right to tell you to bury your pain, it's your pain and there's a lot of bad that can happen when people bury their pain and pretend it's all okay when it's not. Just make sure to let it go when you are done with it. And I totally agree with Christi, if being sensitive is who YOU are...be you. People like you the way you are. If you wrote these posts and didn't put your sensitivity into it and pour out your heart I know I wouldn't be a follower. That's what I like about your posts, and don't let anyone tell you to change who you are.
I have to agree with you, to feel is to be human and who doesn't want to feel human? That said, sometimes a thick skin can be beneficial, in the regard that you won't necessarily be read like a book in that moment.
For what it's worth, before being a SAHM, I worked in a very public field where feedback was a constant and every negative piece I received caused me pain that could be read on my face. It would affect me for hours and cause my 'performance' to be off kilter. It was a never-ending cycle and so obvious that my 'goals for improvement' on my review was always to be less emotional. I eventually had to build up a work persona that was relatively cold & impersonal, but didn't get prickled by such things as being too loud or too bubbly or energetic. It started to flow over into my personal life and I knew that was enough.
I miss my career but I don't miss the fake me.
(My Facebook login isn't working either...)
I agree that you shouldn't have to stop feeling, or stop having emotions.
But I think there is an extreme that some people go to. When internet trolls say something hurtful, they have a CHOICE. They can choose to be hurt by the comment, but understand things happen and people are rude, and move on. Or they can choose to be hurt by it, grow bitter because of it, and never get over it. They just harbor more and more resentment, and become afraid to speak up ever again.
So go ahead - let the hurtful comments make you hurt. But what you do about it is what's important - find a way to move on from it, and not let it make you a bitter person.
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I agree. Thick skin is a dangerous mythologicial beast that only exists when we try to put up walls. We can choose how we react to someone, and how long we spend mulling over our hurt feelings, but we still hurt. There is no excuse for rude nastiness. We all have bad days. We all make mistakes. We all can apologize, or choose to say and do the right thing even after we've messed up. When someone is rude, they've messed up. I can forgive them, and in forgiving them I can heal the hurt - but not bury it or pretend it doesn't exist.
Love this, Dan ~ I appreciate your vulnerability!! Don't stop. I was told once that my strength lies in my ability to be vulnerable... So true!
I think we should cut celebs some slack... While it comes w/ the territory of putting it all out there, they ARE still human and our preoccupation w/ their personal lives is over the top. Should we not be focusing on our own lives and our own children and our own fulfillment?
When someone tries to put you down, just remember everyone on here that has said positive things and how much we enjoy your blogs!! You can't let one person ruin your life when you have so many people supporting you!! Not saying it's a bad thing to have feelings but it can be unhealthy to hold on to negative feelings for too long...
Those of us that are more sensitive should not have to develop a thick skin because people have no manners, can't control their temper, or are just plain nasty. If anyone needs to change, it's them. I've learned to consider the source, which tends to be someone who lacks the self-esteem or tolerance to let other people have their own personal opinions about things, without imposing his or her own upon you, and does so in a very critical way. I used to get so upset from such criticism, until I asked myself, who is this person and of what value is their opinion of me? Not that I shouldn't take into consideration what they have said, but, I shouldn't immediately discount my own opinions or knowledge simply because someone responds negatively. I wish I had been given that advice when I was younger! Dan, your blog is fantastic. You enlighten people every day. You make people think. You are light in a world of apathy and cynicism. Don't stop or change because of a few haters!________
I don't think a person can force themself to feel - or not feel - any differently than they do. I am a very sensitive person. I've been told my whole life that I need to learn to let things roll off and not get upset about what others say and do. 31 years old and I am still nowhere near capable of that! And I've decided that I'm done making apologies for, or feeling bad about, feeling the way I do. We're all entitled to our feelings, and nobody should devalidate them or tell us not to feel them.
Keep doin' what you do, Dan, and if it gets tough sometimes, you are allowed to feel however you feel about that. That's human. Pretending you don't feel...that's not.
My recent post Don't force my hand, Beiber!
I love the fact that you are so open and honest... that is what puts you on the map!! I know we are all different and we all see things in a different light.. as far as people being hurtful... I will be totally honest with you .. the only people that can hurt me are those that I love.. those are the ones that injure me.. but if I don't know you, your words will be considered but they don't cripple me at all... Its the fact that I care and love someone that their opinion matters to me... I love how you put it... but everyone it entitled to their feelings and should be respected..
I agree that it hurts and we shouldn't always try to "be less than human" or bury it. But I also think we can begin to control our own reactions and realize that we can take away that power to hurt if we detach ourselves from those people whose opinions mean nothing to us. I don't care if a stranger on the street calls me fat. It stings for a few minutes, sure - I'm human. But ultimately, his opinion of me does not matter. He is unimportant in my life, and like one of the other posters here said - his comment was about HIS issues, not mine.
Someone once said to me "True friends won't make you cry and if someone makes you cry, they're not a true friend". While it sounds simplistic, it's somewhat true. Someone may say something in a negative context to you, however a true friend will find a gentle or constructive way to convey the negative statement. Does that make sense? (Sometimes I tend to talk "backwards") True friends don't just verbally attack you. They find tactful ways to discuss something that may not be very positive. While you still may end up crying or hurt, it probably won't be from the manner in which the issue was discussed. Again, I'm not sure if I'm making sense here.
Dan, I truly hope you have more true friends in your life (and on here as well) than you do trolls. You certainly deserve to have awesome true friends around you. Even when you blog about a not-so-popular topic, you still manage to find tactful ways to discuss it (and that's a sure-fire sign of a wonderful person). Have a good holiday weekend!