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You said WHAT to your kid? (#5)

On SDL’s Facebook page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure.

father-son

  • You cannot ride your sister!
  • Please stop playing with mommy’s bottom.
  • We don’t pee on animals or people.
  • Please stop dancing like a stripper!
  • Stop brushing your hair with the toilet brush.
  • We don’t dance while we’re eating pickles.
  • Cat’s have whiskers for a reason. Please don’t cut them off.
  • It’s wrong to give mommy a wedge.
  • Put that squirrel down! Where did you get that?!
  • Honey, we don’t choke our cousin.
  • Keep it up and you won’t get to read tonight!
  • Yes, we have to wear pants while guests are over.
  • We do not put our private parts on the kitty!
  • Don’t pick your nose with your toes.
  • If you eat your booger again, it’s going to be all you get for snack!
  • Why are you chewing on the dog?
  • You’re pushing my buttons and you have NO IDEA where my off switch is!
  • Toilets are not for licking.
  • If you don’t put your gloves on and your hands freeze and fall off, I am not helping you pick them up!
  • Toilets aren’t the best things to kiss, honey!
  • Stop waving that piece of dog poop around.
  • Stop feeding the dog your boogers.
  • Pee-pees don’t need shoes.
  • Why are you inside the filing cabinet?
  • Don’t blow your nose in your banana peel.
  • Stop standing on your brother’s head!
  • Get your finger out of the cat’s butt!
  • Well if you wouldn’t have shoved macaroni up your nose we wouldn’t be in this situation.
  • Get that bacon out of your butt!
  • Who smeared poop on the ceiling?
  • don’t throw cheerios down the heat register.
  • If you crack your skull i’m not buying you a new one!
  • Please stop rubbing your weewee on the remote.
  • Stop trying to find your sisters penis. She isn’t hiding it from you- she doesn’t have one.
  • Get your head out of your books and come play the Wii with the family!
  • What do you mean you heard funny noises coming from our bedroom last night?
  • You really need to stop eating your toenails.
  • Not even Superman could save you from this mess.
  • You really turned the dryer on with your sister inside?
  • The only way to get rid of the poop between your teeth is to go brush. And floss. And throw away the toothbrush.
  • It’s not okay for the dog to do that to people’s legs. And it’s not okay for you to do it either.
  • Stop buttering your brother!

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed it, be sure to read the other You Said WHAT to Your Kid? posts. They’re all pretty awesome.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. Which were your favorites today?

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66 comments
mommalovesyou
mommalovesyou

6 year old yells from the other room "Moooom, Charli is drawing on the walls again"

Me yelling at the 2 year old again " Charli, stop drawing on the walls with the dead fly, that's gross honey"

TracyNelson-Taylor
TracyNelson-Taylor

My son has a little stuffed character from "In the Night Garden" that he chews on all the time. One day I heard myself saying to him, "Please stop trying to rub your slimy Iggle Piggle on Mommy's face." And my hubby will never let me forget it, lol!

Tracy
Tracy

My two favorite (and my friends still remind me of) are:

"Quit bleeding on the carpet -- move to the kitchen"
"Please don't wipe the walls with the cat."

Angela
Angela

To my kids (ages 5 and 7): "If you don't brush your teeth, they'll fall out. And it's not like when you're a kid, and the tooth fairy brings you money for your teeth. You won't get any new teeth, and you won't get any money, and people will stare and point at you."

Ldowning
Ldowning

No, mommy's not "crapping" she's "cramping" for heavens sake.

Carter
Carter

To my son: "Only daddy is allowed to pee in the sink."

Audrey K.
Audrey K.

No Sir... the dog's tail is not for chewing!!!

Wendi Ricketson
Wendi Ricketson

I know this is not something that I have said to my kid, but it's very cute. My daughter, age 5, told my Husband that he was fat and she needed to put him in the dryer so that she could shrink him! As much as I wanted to burst out with laughter when he told me this, I kept a straight face and told her that was not nice. She says so many funny things, every day. She referred to a convertible as a "car without a lid recently".

Jenn
Jenn

Said this to my 5yro daughter
If you get hit by a car youl be in sooo much trouble.
2yro son
Stop trying to kiss the chicken, no you cant kiss the turkey either.
And both of them.
Yes its fun to dance, but when guests are over you have to dance with your clothes on.

Kayla
Kayla

"Stop yelling constipation in my back yard!"

Kori
Kori

On our recent fishing trip, i had to keep telling my 5 yr. old daughter to "Stop Playing with the leeches!"

Ambre
Ambre

"NO! Vasaline is NOT like LOTION!"

Kate Connell
Kate Connell

Around Halloween, "no, honey we're not buying you candy you're going to knock on strangers doors and get candy from them".

Kate Connell
Kate Connell

Please listen to my words and get the your baby brother's toes out of your nose.

Jason K.
Jason K.

A sandwich is not a hat, honey.

Tarab620
Tarab620 like.author.displayName 1 Like

Every time I have to make some random comment like those above while I am on the phone with Mom, she just snickers in an "all my wishes have been realized" manner.

Lil
Lil

Said to my older son when he was 3 and the youngest was 1

"No its never OK to put a knife in your brother's butt"

His response was "OK I need a fork"

My response no, neither knives or forks belong in your brother's butt"

Barbara
Barbara

I said this one last month, "No dear, Commies did not steal your jelly."

Maria
Maria like.author.displayName 1 Like

Son: He was about 3 years old and caught his most private area on his pant's zipper, and was crying
Son: "Mommy will you kiss it and make if feel better"?
My Response: My mind was racing in search of something to say or do to side track the situation. Silence was the best I could come up with.
Son: Please mommy kiss it and make it feel better?
My Final Response: This is a boo boo to big for mommy to kiss and make if feel better, but here is some ointment to put on your big boo boo

Chris
Chris

[Teaching to take care of business on the potty]
"Just wipe right here, don't smear it out of here."
"What is that?"
"That's your anus."
"Is that my butt crack?"
"No... that is the hole inside your butt crack." (... did I really just say that???)

Yvonne Ziats
Yvonne Ziats

...... "Princesses do not fart on people"......."No you may not pee in the pool... pee in the grass".... "If you dont listen and behave we are not going to church"... those are a few lately i have had to tell my lil girl

Renee
Renee

"Please stop coloring with your cheddar cheese on the sliding glass door. "

I never imagined those words, in that exact order, would ever be uttered from one human being to another, until they slid from my lips.

"Get your hair out of the garbage" was the other one that surprised me.

redneckprincess
redneckprincess

Put that squirrel down! Where did you get that?!

Now THAT was funny....
My recent post The future looks awesome…

Becky Brobst
Becky Brobst

I nearly vomited at the only way to get poop out of your teeth...

I find myself saying a lot "Stop playing with my boobs! And no, you cannot play with Daddy's nipples either!" (I swear, we do wear clothes around the house!)

Cambrey
Cambrey

Polite little boys do not eat their boogers and they certainly don't eat their friend's boogers.

Cambrey
Cambrey

Polite little boys do not eat their boogers and they certainly don't eat their friend's boogers.

kayleighl
kayleighl

Man....Kids and poop. There is something about the two of them. They are like magnets.
My recent post Letter To My Son: The Cape

Krystal
Krystal

I thought of this post today, as I said to my daughter, "bring me that. But please bring it to me without using the hand you just had shoved in your butt-crack."
Ew.
My recent post I am Ophelia

Sabrina
Sabrina

I kinda feel like I'm either really missing out on something, or my kid is a lot weirder then I think. I've never had to tell my kid anything like this. She make me laugh, but nothing to do with poop or weird stuff like that. I think the weirdest thing I have ever said to my kid is 'would you please stop singing your abc's backwards' was a favorite activity of hers when she was 5 (i think). Thanks for the chuckles.

awaller1990
awaller1990

Those are pretty stinking funny!!
My recent post Goal Overload?

Julie
Julie

The toilet is not a table, honey. We do not put our food on there.

Julie
ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com
My recent post I think my family needs a witchdoctor. STAT.

Zedseverywhere
Zedseverywhere

"we dont pee on animals or people"
LOL!!!
My recent post In Soviet Russia...

Amy O'Connor
Amy O'Connor

I said this just this morning... Stay out of my bra. The rubber band ball is in there to keep it from you.
My recent post Tea Time with Daddy

Heidi
Heidi

"Honey, mommys tampons are not rocket launchers"

Mary
Mary

"Okay, here comes the eyeball."
"Can you please pick your balls up off the floor and take them with you!"
"Please don't lick my face."
"Please don't suck my nose."
"Don't pull down my pants!!"

Lynn
Lynn

"Please stop head-butting me in the peachie-peachie (lady bits)!"
My recent post Introducing Broke Da Mout' | Ono Kine Grindz for Good Livin'

JenH
JenH

I'm pooping, no you cannot sit on my lap.

Gee
Gee

Oh that makes me laugh...in my case it's "I'm sitting on the toilet...oh fine, you might as well get up"!

JenH
JenH

Stop sniffing your sister's butt and go to sleep!

raelo
raelo

No, it's not funny to fart in the fan!

Stacey
Stacey

I just read these to my 18 yr old son and we both laughed so hard that we actually had tears running down our faces. LOL!

therealme
therealme

bras are not meant to be used as ear muffs!! i don't know how many times i have said that to my son!

Amber
Amber

When our kids heard funny noises from our bedroom we informed them we were jumping on the bed. lol.

@lifewpie
@lifewpie

"Stop biting me - especially not near my butt! It's not funny to hurt your mom!" My daughter often manages to sneak attack me from behind :/

tearsofhappy
tearsofhappy

I totally snorted tea out my nose at 'Keep it up and you won't get to read tonight!'...I've said something to that effect. The most recent weird thing I've said(that I can remeber off the top of my head) to my five year old was 'NO you cannot tape the light sabor to the Conan sword and then to your lego stack and beat on the bed!'

Courtney B
Courtney B

"Take down every one of those maxi pads you stuck to wall, and get them off your baby sister too!!"