Fabulous Wendy invited me to the lake with her family for the day. Don’t ask me what the deal was when we got there. We were both grumpy as all get-up and not getting along very well. It was just one of those days.
The only thing you really need to know is that things were tense between us. And the timing, well, it was awful. I mean we were at the lake. We were supposed to be relaxing. It was supposed to be a get-away from any and all stress.
The kids were promised a Wave Runner for a couple hours, so Wendy and I marched all pissy-like up to the rental counter. This won’t freaking do, I thought. I looked around for an opportunity to make Wendy laugh. Or gasp. Or anything that might break the philunkity funk we were in. And then I saw my opportunity. There… on the counter top… a stapler.
Now, I’m 31-years old. I’m not an idiot most of the time. I am rational. I don’t do stupid things (most of the time). But for some reason I had this thought that pretending to staple my finger would make Wendy laugh.
So, I turned to her and I said, “you better laugh or I’ll staple my finger right now.” She looked at me like I was psycho. I guess she had good reason to.
“What are you talking about?”
“If you don’t laugh right now I’ll put a staple right into my finger.” I moved my finger under the stapler head.
The guy behind the counter looked at me like I was a nut job. I guess he had good reason to.
“You’re not going to staple your finger,” she said, annoyed that I would try and lighten the mood. Hell. Everybody knows that the worst thing ever when you’re in a pissy mood is for someone else to try and lighten it.
“Oh, I’ll do it!” I declared. I carefully positioned the stapler so that when I smacked it the staple would go in-between my two slightly-open fingers leaving me unscathed while still offering shock-value and a situation so uncomfortable she’d have no choice but to laugh.
The guy behind the counter looked at me like I was a nut job. I gave him a nod that said, “I’ve got this under control, pal.”
Wendy didn’t laugh.
“What… you want me to staple my finger?”
“Sure. Go ahead.”
I slammed my closed fist down on top of the stapler.
Oh fudge mama crap biscuit, I thought. My eyes moistened and I bit my lip. I didn’t have to look. I knew I’d accidentally stapled my finger. Like for realsies.
The guy behind the counter looked at me like I was a nut job. I gave him a nod that said, “tell me you didn’t see that.”
He gave me a half-cocked grin that said, “oh, I did. You freaking psycho.”
A line had formed behind us.
I pulled my finger from the stapler. Sure enough, completely impaling my finger was a bright shiny staple. Wendy’s giggle turned to a gasp. “There’s a staple in your finger!”
I pretended like it didn’t hurt. I put on my macho face. “Haha. Yep. Ummm, I totally didn’t mean to do that. I thought I had it aimed between two fingers.” At this point I was just trying to save face. It wasn’t happening.
The guy behind the counter looked at me like I was a nut job. The people behind me looked at me like I was a nut job. Wendy looked at me like I was a nut job.
I dug my fingernail under the staple and pried it out. “Boy do I feel stupid.”
I looked at Wendy, ready to cry from embarrassment. She was laughing now. Laughing in a “please don’t act like we’re together” sort of a way. Then she gasped and pointed at my wounded hand.
I didn’t notice, but blood had started dripping from my finger onto the counter. And not just little bits of blood. Lots of blood. It had dripped all over the counter, the stapler, and onto the rental agreement clipboard.
The guy behind the counter kept looking at me like I was a nut job. “Dude, do you want a Band-Aid or something?”
“No, I’m okay.” I said. I could feel that my face had turned beet red which was surprising since most of my lifeblood was gushing from my punctured finger. The people behind me were trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I gave them a look that said, “please have any reason to leave, like right now.”
“Dan, you’re bleeding, take the Band-Aid,” Wendy said. The guy behind the counter started digging in some drawer and produced an entire box of them.
“I’m okay. It’ll stop.” I was in denial.
Nobody is that stupid.
“What’s going on up here?” some chick said as she emerged from the shadows. She was the guy behind the counter’s manager. “Why is there blood all over the place?”
I snatched a Band-Aid from the guy behind the counter and without another word got the hell out of there, bursting through the glares of the people behind me, the confusion of Wendy, and the ever-judging counter-staff.
“It was an accident, I wouldn’t do that on purpose,” I yelled when I was a safe distance away. It didn’t matter. They’d all seen me slam a staple into my finger. There was no redemption from that.
I ran to where the kids were. There was blood making a nice trail from my finger to my elbow. All because of a stupid, freaking staple. The kids started screaming, pointing to my bloody appendage. “What happened?” they demanded.
“Nothing. Leave me the hell alone!”
That’s what I wanted to scream.
“Everybody stop looking at me!”
That’s also what I wanted to scream.
“Nothing. I accidentally poked myself.”
That’s what I said.
Wendy came over with our bloody rental form in hand. “You really just stapled your finger…” We both looked down at the ever-worsening mess.
“And THAT is why we don’t staple our fingers,” I said all authoritative-like, looking at the now-seriously-in-shock kids.
With that, Wendy and I both began… laughing. Hysterically, and uncontrollably laughing.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. I’d easily put this in my top ten most embarrassing moments. Not because getting a finger stapled is all that embarrassing, but because the idea and the fact that I actually would do that was embarrassing. So, what about you? Throw me a your-kind-of-normal bone? When have you done something that afterward left you blushing with embarrassment over how absolutely dumb it was?
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SDL’s Quote of the Day
high school my friends dared me to walk up to this guy (who was the hottest guy in school! really gorgeous and really super sweet!) and tell him "I'm sexually frustrated can you help me relieve my tension." I did it. he blushed, I blushed, we laugh about it to this day. But that was super embarrassing!! I was not a cool kid in school either! luckily he was sweet. he didn't tease me for it at all! (until a few years later when we ran into eachother and he told his wife about it!) nor did he tell other people to get me teased about! bless his heart!!!!
Oh my word! I just laughed until I literally cried (while still laughing)! Thank you for sharing a hilarious story!
I did that once but no one saw me. I didn't think the staple would actually go into my finger! OWCH!!
When I was young my grandmother was trying to re upholster some chairs and had the industrial stapler upside down and sent a large staple into her palm so don't feel too dumb :-)
lmao...this may have to be one of the best posts....maybe bc i stapled my finger as a kid too, or maybe just cause it gave me a good laugh :P
bwahahahaha Thanks, I totally forgot why I was getting on the computer now :) You are always a pleasant distraction Dan!
I would actually like to commend you on knowing that laughter is what is needed when you or others feel "pissy and grumpy" Now you have a VERY funny moment to recall during relationship times of tension that you can't find a way out of.... You can always threaten to staple your finger again.
This is a moment where my husband would look at me and say "I'm just a guy!". Like it's a catch all excuse for stupid. Lol makes me laugh every time :)
Ha! Love the quote. My brother stabled his thumb when we were kids - the doctor pulled out a pair of needle-nose plyers & yanked it out! Ahhh - back in the day.
Thank you so much for turning my crappy Monday into a laugh fest. I am still giggling uncontrollably.
This may be my absolute favorite post by you. Not to negate all the deep soul-searching and all, but...seriously? Total WIN for the day. There is more learning going on here than why you shouldn't staple your finger. :D <3
HAHAHA!!! I haven't laughed THAT hard in one good long time. Thanks for having enough humility to share with us.
hope your tetnus is up to date...lol...but i totally did that as a kid...never really hurt myself bad though but it made me feel invincible
See, now, I would have gone with "I meant to do that. I told you I was gonna do it but you didn't believe me".
Oh my gosh... I'm trying not to laugh too hard, but this is a great story. One of those stories that will bring random giggle fits.
For the record, everyone does something "that stupid". For instance, years back my Mom was playing with my younger cousins on Halloween. Well, she wanted to party with the other adults, so I got the joy of being the "monster". I just had to put a white sheet over my head and use a flashlight as my eyes. Oh, and did I mention it was pretty dark outside? Well, being the genius I am, I decided running at full speed with a sheet over my head was a good plan. I then discovered that the apple tree branches were about eye height. I'll let you imagine the rest.
Lol, this was so not what I pictured when I read the post title. Great story, but I'm sorry to hear about your finger!! *hugs*
Ummm, have you seen that therapist yet, Dan? Because, umm, you might, like, need to, even more now..
And no, I don't think I've ever done anything as remotely stupid as that. Or if I had, I have conveniently suppressed any memory of it...
Good one, Dan....
Oh my gosh! I cannot stop laughing. I'm sorry, but I can't. I really needed this today. When I was scrolling down and saw the pic of the staple just as I read WHAM! tears just exploded out of my eyes and I am giggling hysterically. I tried reading it out loud and cannot so I had to hand over the laptop. You made my day. Sorry about your wounded finger and pride :)
OK, I don't have an embarrassing story that I'm willing to share, but I will tell you that it is always a good idea to keep your fingers away from a moving sewing machine needle. One of those is capable of going straight through the tip of a finger, and then you have the thread to deal with too.....
Ok I'll give you mine. My darling 10 year old son cannot get himself together in the morning to make it to the bus on time. At least 3 times a week he misses the bus and I drive him to school. I am usually up well before he is and ready to go but this particular Tuesday I had been ill and over slept. So when I finally woke up 15 minutes after the bus arrived I went into full speed ahead mode, racing to get dressed, get his lunch packed, get him up etc. All the while telling him that I was tired of this, why can't he get up with his alarm, is it that hard to pay attention to what you're doing. Blah Blah. Got into the car drove to the school and signed him in at the office late again. Only after I said goodbye to him as he walked away did he mention that all the while the hem of my skirt was hooked into my waist band leaving my backside completely exposed. Thankfully I was wearing underwear but it was sufficiently mortifying.
I recently stapled my finger, completely by accident at work. When it happened, I squeeled like a baby and started to feel faint. My co-worker was convinced I was play acting and tried to ignore me. As I tried to pry it out, I apparently turned ghostly white. My co-worker called for the boss (ok, now that's embarrasing) and they removed the staple for me. I was so pale and shaken they would not let me leave the office. They also made me call my doctor's office to schedule an appointment to get my tetnus updated. I'm not a kid, but it would have been easier to handle if I had been one...Then at least they would not think I was soooooo stupid. It doesn't help that I'm blonde!
Hope your tetnus is up to date!
When I was in first or second grade, I hated math. We had those composition books with the soft covers to work our problems. I figured if I didn't have the book, I didn't have to do the math. I tucked the book in my underwear and went to the bathroom. I stuck it in the toilet and flushed, confident I'd never see it again. A few minutes after I sat down, two fifth-graders came in our room holding a very wet math notebook and asked if "Sharon was in this class ?" . My teacher sent me to the principal, who had recently smoked a cigarette. She got right in my face and yelled at me for trying to destroy school property. Her breath was so bad, I literally gagged, which made her even more angry with me. She so traumatized me, I still hate math (ok, I know in my grown-up world it's not her fault. I hate cigarette breath, though!).
Oh Lord...I was in 5th grade and I was reading aloud some of the areas in Africa. I got to Niger and this boy behind me whispered another word with a extra "g" in it. Well I had already been thinking this cuz I had no idea how to pronounce it. So without thinking I said that dreaded word and the moment I did, I realized there is no way in hell that's how you pronounce it. Thankfully EVERYONE in my class laughed hysterically at what an idiot I was, instead of getting offended. All I can remember is how beat red my face was. It was awful!
I can think of one that might make you feel better.
I was dating a guy that I met from online - the context was casual. We'd been seeing each other a short time (way too short a time for the conversation that was about to follow).
When we first started dating, I told him that I'd had experiences with men moving to quickly emotionally and that it scared me. About 2 months into the relationship, he pulled out the 'I've never felt this way about anyone before' line. In an emotional freak out moment (my gut was confused ... it was a line, but I didn't want it to be a line because truth be told I was tired of dating) I wrote a letter to a local paper that has a column about love. In this letter, I went off about how I thought this guy was moving too quickly - but I wanted to get it out there that I hated diamonds and I didn't know how to bring it up without moving the relationship along more quickly.
Before the letter was even published, it became clear that he had fed me a line and I broke things off with him. As with many blogs, there is a community of people that comment every day and (as single people) they began meeting in person. I became friendly with many people from this blog -- I work in an isolated job and this blog became my water cooler.
Not only did this person suddenly show up in the middle of this community (when they all began meeting in person), he turned out to be the worst kind of manipulator. He dated many women from that group all at once and twisted my somewhat rational letter into something delusional and distorted.
I held my head high - eventually others saw him for what he was. But it was excrutiatingly embarassing to be SO SO VERY WRONG about someone.
I don't quiet grasp your point. Just kidding I love puns. Great story, the point is she laughed, and that's what you wanted...right?