What I’m about to say may be a little tough for some dads to choke down.
Real dads cry.
Real dads don’t follow the silly notion that “real men” are masters of their tear ducts, impervious to pain or hurt, and without real emotion. They push aside society’s incorrectly considered statements such as “man up,” “bite your lip,” and “suck it in.”
A real dad understands the healing power of tears, and he teaches his children that crying is not only okay, but that it truly heals and makes great things possible.
As a father, this has been among the most difficult of all the Single Dad Rules for me to master. As Noah ages, I find myself constantly combatting the urges to use those same statements with Noah that I myself grew up hearing. I constantly have to remind myself that it’s okay to let my son cry. I have to bite my lip as I catch myself saying things like “that’s nothing to be upset about,” “big boys don’t cry,” or even worse, “only babies cry.”
Never do I purposefully think to say such things, but often are the moments that I find the words desperate to escape my open lips. More often than not, I realize they’ve been said after the fact, and I find myself correcting the incorrect statement that was just made, telling Noah that it actually is okay to have hurt feelings or to feel sad about something.
A real dad validates genuinely hurt feelings or sadness being experienced by his child. He assures his child that there is nothing wrong with feeling sad or despondent. If the family pet dies, he doesn’t respond to the very real grief with “it’s just a dog.” If another child calls his child a hurtful name, he doesn’t respond to the very real feelings of betrayal with, “it’s really nothing to cry about.” If his child gets injured, he doesn’t demand that she stop crying.
Instead, he explains to his son that pets can be very special, and it’s okay to be as sad as you like for as long as you need. He explains to his daughter that when others say things that hurt us, it’s okay to feel hurt and it’s okay to cry over it. When that same child is physically injured, he encourages her to cry until she feels better.
Real dads understand the healing power of tears. They understand that a child who is allowed to cry, learns to release the stress and emotions he is feeling, which is the most powerful and often the only way the child will truly grow above the moment. Real dads understand that to stop a child from dealing with the pain that life will constantly dish out simply forces the child to store that pain away, burying it in the corners of the mind, giving it space to affect his actions and reactions for the remainder of his life, or until it is somehow finally dealt with.
This is not to say that real dads must validate or encourage whining, tantrums, or other such behaviors. It is simply to say that when a child is genuinely hurting, physically or emotionally, a real dad let’s the child’s tears perform their function.
It is far more than speculation or theory that tears are healing and beneficial to a person’s emotional and physical health. As the body and mind experiences stress, the hormone ACTH or adrenocorticotrophic hormone is released and stored by the body. ACTH is associated with several physical conditions such as high blood pressure, peptic ulcers, and heart problems. When a person cries, ACTH is expelled within the tears.
In other words, crying rids your body of stress. There is a scientific and physiological reason why people feel better after having a good cry.
Children are no exception. Their little bodies and minds are constantly being introduced to stressful situations. As they grow, they are constantly slapped across the face with new ideas, new concepts, and new circumstances. As adults, it’s generally simple to take things in stride, eliminating unnecessary data as we go. Children aren’t blessed with as much discretion, and as such are often filled with as much or more stress than adults, though it be very different by nature.
And so, real dads actually do encourage crying of the healthy sort. In all reality, real dads know that life, and the world around it, will take care of teaching their children not to cry. They know that the society we live in looks at those who cry as weak and as such will do everything in its power to make sure no tears are shed. In our society, a person who can’t bury their sadness as if it never happened is often labeled as feeble and pathetic.
But real dads don’t care what society thinks. They offer their children a tough shoulder to cry on so that when their children grow and society teaches them the things that it most certainly will, they can always come home to a dad who will be happy to let the tears flow, and who will never devalue them for it. They will always have a rock for a dad who doesn’t mind a few tears rolling down his shirt. They will always have one place, where they themselves can still feel strong, doing the very things that others tell them will make them weak.
This is not to put mothers out of the equation. Mothers seem to be programmed to instinctually do this. They are generally the go-to when a good cry is needed, and the nurturing that happens with a mother is not only important, it’s essential.
This is rather to say that children who see their fathers as tough, or as men who could crush boulders, bring down buildings, or flatten forests, sometimes will need a place to cry that is rugged and strong. They need those tough hands to stroke their hair, rub their back, and tell them everything will be all right. They need the toughest guy they know to be okay with their very real need to deal with life through tears. They need those massive hands to hold them once more.
Yet far too often, fathers not only fail to give such an environment to their children, they refuse to give such an environment to their children. So many fathers have been completely programmed by the world to never cry, to never admit weakness, and to sweep all things sad under the next proverbial rug. They’ve been teased about crying both as children and as adults. They’ve watched others become the center of ridicule. They’ve been inundated with the messages of the media, who make crying men out to be no stronger than matured dandelions in a windstorm.
And so they teach the same to their children. They somehow believe they’re callousing their children against the same things they experienced or witnessed in their own lives. On one hand, they are so sure of the cruelty of the world. They know what the world teaches and how it reacts to those who properly deal with their emotions. On the other hand, they ironically have such little faith in the ability of the world to teach it, that they themselves dish it out to their children in the name of protecting them.
But there is no protection in telling a child that crying shows weakness. There is no protection in becoming angry or agitated with a child who takes “too long” to deal with sadness. There is also no protection in calling a child’s sincere crying childish or immature. To do so, sets up eventual trouble on the horizon. Every difficult and painful moment in a child’s life must be dealt with at one point or another. Real dads know that, and they’re not only okay with it, they’re helpful and encouraging to its natural process.
Some children will attempt to deal with those moments sooner than later. They’ll attempt to release their stresses and sadnesses through anger. They’ll verbally hurt or assault their peers, their parents, or their teachers. Some become bullies. Others become obnoxious. And some will seclude themselves from others. The majority of the time, anger, obnoxiousness, or isolation is simply a mask for sadness and problems that haven’t been dealt with, which is why it is so important for fathers to let their children deal with whatever is thrown their way as soon as possible.
And while some deal with it in their own way while they’re young, others bottle it up and store it in the deepest cellars of their minds. It inevitably finds its way out later in life, damaging relationships, damaging work ethic, damaging friendships, and damaging spirituality.
Some turn to addictive substances to try and deal with the sadness that was never cried out. Some never leave those addictive substances. Some lose their lives to them.
Others spend their lives fighting depression, never sure why they can’t let go of whatever is dragging them down. Others mask their uncried tears with laughter, always putting themselves in front of the crowd as the class clown or the life of the party.
And so, with all this in mind, and in an attempt to have balanced kids who turn into balanced adults, real dads let their children cry.
And, they let themselves cry.
Over time, I have grown skilled at suppressing the natural urges to keep my son from crying healthy tears, but I am far from perfecting the ability to let my own tears flow.
Real dads cry, and they permit themselves to cry in front of their children. It has been said that it takes a strong man not to cry, and an even stronger man to cry. This statement is perhaps among the most profound ever stated, and among the most true.
Real dads are faced with all the stresses that come naturally with life. There is no man who never had a constant assault of the pressure that accompanies his every breath. No real dad has existed that didn’t have to deal with pain, loss, death, financial dismay, or any other such heaviness. Being a real dad in and of itself is laden with stress. It is no easy task to keep all of the Real Dad Rules. One must be vigilant and constantly aware of his short-comings. Just doing that leaves no option but occasional frustration and worry that will need to be dealt with.
So, rather than coup it up, and rather than sweep it away, real dads learn to cry. They practice crying. They perfect it until they learn to effectively and promptly unload the stress and sadness that they will occasionally, and sometimes often, feel.
But how does a man learn to cry? How does a man learn something that he has forced away for decades? Each man must find his own path to healing, for each man has a different past, and different voices sounding in his head.
I have the taunting of my school peers. I have the voices of my parents and siblings. I have the jeers from my close friends. And, most recently, I have the voices of my ex-wives. And all the voices are telling me that emotion is weak and that crying is even weaker.
Yet, I work to learn to cry.
I believe that there are two things a man must do to learn. First, he must go to places in his mind that he’d rather not touch. He must unbury unhealthy memories that have never been dealt with, and he must be honest about them. Of course, this is far easier said than done. For me, the help of a professional counselor has been able to take me to many of those places.
Second, I believe he must write. He must sit down, using whatever medium he wishes, and he must start writing or typing about things he’s worked hard to never confront. For me, the most therapeutic writing has been sitting at my computer with my eyes closed, letting whatever words about whatever topic flow into my mind and then flow their way into my fingers. The things that have come out have often left me speechless, but more importantly, they’ve often left me melted in a puddle of long-needed tears.
And each time I complete this exercise, I feel happy. I feel relieved. I feel as if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Many times I have a follow-up urge to go hit the gym or go do something active outside. I have greater determination to take care of myself. And, most importantly, I find myself being a better, and a more real dad, to my son.
I have long ago decided that when any tears begin to surface in Noah’s presence, I will always resist the urge to push them back in. One of the greatest gifts I’ll ever give my son is the ability to believe that tough guys cry too.
At four years old, my son has seen me really cry twice. Both times he was adrift with concern. Both times, he approached me and said nothing until I finished crying. Both times, he asked me if I was okay, and I told him that Dad was sad and that he was crying because crying makes things better. And, both times he responded with the same question. “Is it okay if I cry too, Dad?”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
Please share your comments on today’s chapter. What are your thoughts and beliefs when it comes to men crying. How do you feel about the way society views men who cry?
PS. Today’s post is the thirteenth chapter in a read-along of my new book The Real Dad Rules (which will go on through February of next year). Don’t wait to read the rest ofThe Real Dad Rules! Get your own copy today (Amazon, Kindle, iBooks,Nook, Hardcover, or visit the official Real Dad Rules webpage for signed copies). Get it for yourself. Get it for your kids. Give it as a gift. Just get it, and get in on the conversation!
While I wrote this book to everyday dads (from an everyday dad), I believe that its message can be applied to and appreciated by mothers and fathers alike. And thank you for sharing today’s post.
Thank you. Thank you so SO much for this.
Wonderful post! I remember my father crying twice. Once when my sister and I gave him an American Flag for his birthday an the other time was when we gave him a double picture frame with our pictures in it, each wearing white blouses, in the same pose. I cried too, both times!
I wish more people could have a chance to read this...If we didn't cry, it would mean we couldn't feel, and if we couldn't feel, how could we ever love. Thank you again Dan for sharing this one.
My husband Anthony gets teary eyed many times just playing with my daughter, or looking at her, or talking about her sometimes. I think its beautiful and makes him 10X more handsome than he already is. :)
My dad was very human. He wore his emotions on his sleeve and I loved him for that. Crying is good for the soul.
I have always told my children to let it out. There is no shame in crying. Real men cry, especially if they have children.
Amen, Sandy. Any man can be a father, your kids deserve a DAD!
I needed to hear that Dan....
yes they do
It's not ok to cry, but it's ok to kick your dog thru a hedge in displaced emotion/s, right? :(
Real Tough moms need to cry and laugh TOO!!! :' ( : )
LOL!!! Luv u single dad!
growing up, my dad taught us it wasn't ok to cry, "crying is for losers". my husband has taught me otherwise. He is the best at opening his heart to our boys.
YOU rule!
Crying doesn't have to happen on the outside. While I think most who don't cry stuff their feelings, crying on the outside of one's self need not occur; many people may experience strong feelings of sadness without tears. It doesn't mean they don't have real emotion; emotional responses are individualized.
That said, the "real man" idea of not showing emotion, and instead stuffing it, is unhealthy. To be balanced, we need to be able to experience emotions.
I dont like that picture..I find crying children heartbreaking...
I don't think a man who can't cry can be trusted....not with my heart...or my childrens hearts....
Fabulous thank you :D X
Hope you don't mind, but I stole your quote. :-)
Love it!
:)
I love this post!
I believe a large part of society talks badly of men who cry, but in my opinion (which is FACT - hehe) there's not much that is more touching and manly than a man who cries when he needs to.
Thanks for sharing this. I've always been a crier, but didn't see my dad cry until I was grown and he had learned to be fully himself.
People cry.
Boys, girls, men, women.
It's not a big deal, just part of life.
I was surprised by how tearful my 13 year old boys have been. They have cried as much as their sisters ever did, and over things that didn't seem tear-worthy.
But, whatever. Feelings are feelings, and life is confusing.
I'm glad they didn't feel personally ashamed of something as ridiculous as tears. (At least I hope they didn't.)
They grew up, and boys and girls alike became more stoic adults than they were at 13, able to articulate feelings without openly weeping most of the time. But when weep, we do. It's okay.
I work part time as a nurse and sometimes a patient will be crying and there is concerned over whether they're depressed.
No, they are not suffering from clinical depression. They feel like crap. This surgery/illness was not in their plan for today, okay? Is that not okay with you? Sheesh. Give them a few days to recover.
Cry away. That's why God invented Kleenex. love, Val
My dad was raised in a family of boys, none of those boys have I ever seen cry, including my father. But as a father to 3 girls we all knew that that didn't mean we couldn't cry to or on him, that didn't mean he didn't feel the emotions. He is a notorious channel changer - as soon as anything (news, reality or fiction) gets too emotional he changes the channel rather than risk crying. We girls sat their and sobbed as Bambi looked for his mother, as Anne held Matthew as he died....Dad was in the other room hiding from his tears.
Where were you when my sons were young? Yes, I know...you had no wisdom to share yet. My boys are now 14 and 16. I must have done OK, because when my wife left me for another man, my sons chose to stay with me. It seems like I cry all the time now. But not always for myself! I have watched (for the past year) my (soon to be) ex-wife destroy herself and her relationship with our sons. I have always hidden my tears from them, but on July 4th of 2010, I snapped. My mind (riddled with pain, guilt, helplessness and anger) snapped. I don't remember a lot except that I ran from the words she used to hurt me and drank. I drank copius amounts of alcohol, and ended up dead (blood alcohol level of .42) in th ER. I had texted my best friend and when he found me my wife was sitting calmly outside, waiting for me to die.
I just wanted to say that I look forward with GREAT anticipation to your posts. I do have a request, though. For MY sons (who will have children of their own someday), could you make a poster (or just a list somewhere that I could print) for them of the "real dad rules"? It's such great wisdom and to have it all in a single place...
Thanks Tim for that suggestion (and for your powerful comment). That's definitely an idea. I'll pass it by my sister who runs the SDL store.
Wow, I'm seriously so sorry you had to experience that, Tim! :(
Very touching article. I wish you had picked a picture of a boy crying instead of a girl. It would have had more inpact in light of your subject.
I pretty much agree with everything you say, but I might add that often it's better done in private than public, except for very special circumstances, just because of society's views. Crying may not be a weakness, but it's often publicly perceived as such and we need to guard ourselves.
The males in my family didn't outwardly subscribe to the notion that men don't cry, but in practice it was almost never done. To this day I don't think I'd be able to handle my dad crying, if he were still alive. Myself, I try to keep my emotions in check in public or around the kids, but more and more I allow myself to give in if the situation calls for it. I pretty much kept my composure several years back at my dad's funeral, for the sake of the family, but a few weeks later I was watching old videos of my dad and the sorrow hit me like a runaway train. I barely had enough time to lock the bedroom door before I completely collapsed in sobs. To this day I regret not allowing my wife to come in and offer comfort at a time I really needed it. I do sometimes find tears rolling down my face when watching an emotional scene on TV, listening to certain music (Amazing Grace on bagpipes do me in everytime), or finding a touching video on Youtube (parents coming home from the military to surprise their kids, check).
As far as kids go, I resent those that tell their kids to "suck it up" and that crying is for wusses (whining and crocodile tears get no sympathy from me though). But at the same time I do tell mine that there is a time and place for it, and breaking down in public, particularly in front of fellow workers or classmates, is not recommended unless it's for a dire reason such as death of a loved one or similar tragedy. Just because of the world we live in.
I will say that I have a nephew with some emotional issues that happens to be stuck with a family that strongly discourages any outward display of emotion, to the point where he is actively belittled, if not punished, for crying. So whenever he is in our home I tell him he can always tell me what's on his mind when he's feeling upset, and I won't stop the tears if they come. And I've often had to hold him when they did come.
Sorry, didn't mean to turn this comment into it's own blogpost. Maybe I should start my own.
My father wasn't afraid to cry. He would cry if I came home banged up and bruised from a fall, more often than not I would be stone faced in the effort to just stand. (I had quite a few bad accidents on bike/skates when I was young. I'm amazed I'm not more scarred from them.) He would cry when he and my mother would fight. They would cry together and get past it together. He cried when his father died, when his sister died, and when his uncle died. He was raised in the 'tough guy' home, but came out able to cry in healthy doses. My father was a strong man, and wasn't afraid to admit to his hurts, his wrongs, or show his sympathy when his children couldn't stop crying. I must agree. Real dads do cry, and are not ashamed of it.
I learned to embrace crying once I got over the need to look good in the eyes of others. Now, I rarely hold the tears back and when I do, it's only because I decide my ego is more important than my emotion. So silly.
Your last paragraph brought the tears out. I can see my son doing the same thing. The lessons the little ones can teach us are immense. Such compassion they share. Our job is to continue to let them be that way and understand that their emotions (and ours) are valid and don't need to be put away.
I am a crier. When I feel really angry or frustrated, sometimes I just spill over. It is frustrating beyond belief because I know that it makes me look weak and that I lose respect of people that don't know me well. (I have cried at work in a very stressful situation). Luckily, I have a partner who encourages me to cry when I need to, who encourages me to talk about it. My daughter is a crier as well, especially in nervous or stress-inducing situations. That is a very hard one, because while I encourage her to cry and let it all out, it often happens on the first day of sometihng new, like junior high, Pathfinders, dance class...what-have-you, and I am so afraid that she will be picked on by her peers. She HAS been picked on by her peers. It is a fine line. We are working on this together. I try and wait for her to have her cry in the car before entering a new situation, but the tears don't come until she is knee deep in it. We then make sure she can turn her head or go into a washroom to wash up. I just don't want to have her feel it is wrong to cry. ACK! Any advice? Thank you Dan. You make my day every time I stop to read your blog.
Oddly enough, my dad was the stereotypical "tough guy" in all areas except crying. I've seen him cry quite a few times, although only at home with the family.
On the other hand, he often thought we kids were crying for stupid reasons, so he decided to "give [us] something to cry about"- ie. just hit us until we learned to stop crying.
My mother is the epitome of bottled-up emotions. I think she's cried maybe twice in her adult life. For a long time I considered her the stronger one because of the seeming lack of emotions... it took me a number of years (& lots of therapy :P) to realize how backward that was.
Our youngest was stillborn about 3 weeks ago. My husband, my father & my older boys sobbed. It showed me how very much they cared.
I love your point of view on this subject. My father was always one tell us we were weak if we cried. I myself learned not to cry around my dad because he would belittle me if I did. My mother, on the other hand, cried over everything - especially to manipulate others. I find it liberating when I cry over a problem or something that's been causing me stress. It leaves your head clear to think about the situation logically.
I've been married 19 years and I've never seen my husband cry. I sometimes seriously wonder if he has any emotions beyond anger. I don't feel safe crying in front of him so I too have learned not to cry. However, my 12 year old son knows it is ok to cry and he will come to me when he is upset and crying. I'm hoping we broke the cycle with him and that he can be emotionally whole.
You may want to look at tantrums and whining as expressions of very real emotions too. Kids do grow out of these things but I think it is important for them to feel safe to have a tantrum or whine if it is the only way they know how to express that emotion. It doesn't mean we give into what ever they are upset about (although I recommend giving in 90% of the time), but they should feel safe to express all emotions.
I know that my husband came from a pretty strict family and he was a Marine. ( I think they teach you not to cry in the Marines) However, for the birth of our children he cried, when they are seriously injured he has cried or been very emotional. I think it is important not only when you are a child to know that it is okay for you to cry, but as an adult too. My husband knows that I am not going to critisize him for or make any comments if I have seen him crying. Also, as far as emotions and raising children, you are right. It is easy to say be a big girl or boy, stop being such a whiny baby... however, I have learned over the years that children take a long time to learn how to express their emotions. From stomping their feet, to screaming and crying, they are just learning their way and what works for them, so I allow it. It is not easy all the time. My motto has always been, all children are different, and unfortunately there is no parenting handbook, we just gotta do what we think is best for our kids and hope it all turns out all right. And Kudos for stating that you seek professional help. Many people associate professional help as having a mental illness, or that something is wrong with you. Although, many people and I whole heartedly believe that ALL people should seek therapy. It's Good!
When I miscarried at 5 months my husband cried. We already had 2 beautiful children and while this child was a suprise, we were still excited to have him. My miscarriage was very bad to the point I almost died. I had a BP of 60/30 and a huge amount of blood loss. My husband told me that he thought he was going to lose me. And then to have lost our little "Graham" on top of it was just too much for him. My husband is a strong man [deputy sheriff] and I love that about him. But to see that soft side, the gentle side, it made me love him even more. It showed me how strong he truly is.
There is a happy ending, we had another suprise a year later, our beautiful son Evan who is absolutely wonderful.
Bravo!!! Much appreciated!!
As important as the gift of tears is saying to your child "I made a mistake, I'm sorry," which it seems like you've done when you have found one of those societal expressions coming out before you catch it. That's something I work hard on... telling my son when I'm wrong and that I"m sorry. I know that's a bit off the crying topic, but when I read that you correct yourself, that stood out to me more than anything!
I have only seen my father cry a handful of times, but to see him express himself in that way was very touching to me. Real men do cry as far as I'm concerned and it appears that society makes it seem that crying is a sign of weakness. My husband and I both express to our son(3) and daughter(5) that crying is okay, happy tears, sad tears and hurt tears are all a part of life. I don't want to teach my children to keep their emotions inside because society/family members view it as unacceptable. When our 2 year old nephew fell and hurt himself at his birthday party, he started to cry. His father said "Get up, suck it up, be a man! Real men don't cry!" My husband and I just looked at each other and shook our heads in disbelief. We have never even thought of saying something like that to our children. Although I do have to admit that my husband doesn't really cry, only a few times that I can remember, but I'm thankful that he tells our children that it is okay to cry.
That was beautiful, thanks for the good cry!:)
I've seen my dad cry twice. First when my mother had a miscarriage at 4 months along, then second when my three month old passed from heart defects.
I passed this along to my husband because I feel he's not allowing himself to grieve our lost son. He holds it in and has told me he's not "supposed" to cry because he's the man, the husband, and the father. He needs a good cry and to feel the emotions he is avoiding.
Thank you for posting this. Well said.
I saw my Dad cry maybe 2-3 times; once at each of his parents' funerals for sure. I know, though, that there were many times in which I went to him with tears flowing, and he was always there to hold me tight and pat me, most of the time wordlessly, but I was safe and I stayed as long as I needed in his arms. My Dad was amazing, and the best man I have ever known. <3
I have only seen my dad cry once and that freaked me out.lol.