It was one year ago today that I published the post How Much Did YOUR Kid Cost? It was the first post I ever wrote that went viral. In all honesty, I can’t believe it’s only been a year since then. That post was a natural extension to the purely humorous and sarcastic tone that Single Dad Laughing was at that point. It was written at a time when the pain of the girls splitting was still very fresh for me and the want to be something (anything) great was hard to find.
I wrote that post when I was admittedly upset. After all, the day I wrote it, somebody had asked me how much my kid cost, right in front of him. I remember with everything Noah and I were going through, it was a bit of a last straw for me. I still feel bad for the poor old lady who said it. I gave her a single look that said it all… You are every reason I hate every person in the world right now. Then I snubbed my nose at her and went home and wrote How Much Did YOUR Kid Cost?
Most of you weren’t around back then. In fact, only 0.2% of SDL’s current readers were around at that point. It’s amazing where my writing has mentally taken me since then, what has happened to my writing voice, and what I have learned about writing in general. Still, as I read that post, I can’t help but smile. It was dirtier writing. It was snarkier writing. It was less polished writing. But, it was my writing and it was written with real emotion behind it.
I think the sarcasm that was as thick as it was in that post has more or less lost its way from this blog. To some degree I am thankful for that. Sometimes I really miss it. One of the great things about that post was that almost everybody who read it seemed to get it. They got that the sarcasm was just that. Sarcasm. I’ve found that the bigger Single Dad Laughing gets, the harder it is to be sarcastic in a way that everybody gets. Any time I attempt it nowadays, I have somebody (or lots of people) jump down my throat telling me how inappropriate I am or how thoughtless and inconsiderate I’m being.
Looking back, it’s one of my favorite posts I’ve ever posted on SDL. Why? I’m not sure. Probably because I wrote it when almost nobody was following me yet and I didn’t feel the weight and pressure to write something politically correct or encompassing of everybody’s feelings. Writing then was less restrictive, that’s for sure. That post was probably the last post I wrote without the worry of the masses.
It was also the first post I wrote that used the word “damn” in it. Damn is a bad word in my family, and in the religion I had been a part of. Most of my dedicated audience at that point was still in that religion and I was afraid it would be the end of me. It was actually quite liberating (as silly and insignificant as that word is) to say what I wanted to say instead of what I felt others wanted me to say. And, believe it or not, it was doing that that gave me much of the courage to write The Disease Called Perfection which I’ll write about in one week on its first year anniversary.
One year. Had I known that writing How Much Did YOUR Kid Cost would be the catalyst to change my life the way it had, would I still have written it? Had I known it would lead me down a road that would cause me to quit an incredible and high-paying job in exchange for the unpredictable life chasing a dream, would I have done it? Had I known it would leave me so open to criticism and near-castration by people I never met and never meant to offend, would I have done it? Had I known that two months later I would have nothing to bank on, nothing to land on, and nothing to really hold onto, would I still have done it?
Probably not. After all, I still lived much of my life in fear at that point. I still believed I could control my life and the outcome of my life at that point. I still believed I had a say in where life took me.
Would I go back and change anything? Would I take it back if I could?
Absolutely not.
While I wouldn’t have chosen it, there is no doubt that I can look back and see that the journey it would take me on would be no less than amazing, liberating, and self-finding.
How Much Did Your Kid Cost? One sarcastic post that would change my life (and many other lives) forever more.
One year later. Wow, what a chain of events. Thank you for sharing that post. I still believe in the message of that post. If you haven’t yet, read it. If you want to be awesomer than awesome and keep it going, click like below or tweet it again!
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
love every ranting moment of it! One of my kidz has cerbal palsey...that's a whole other book. BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA HA
Just write what U feel, don't worry bout people liking it or not. If they don't like ur blog, they shouldn't read it. I like it, and I will always read it.
I never read this post before today. While I certainly could see the difference in race, I never even assumed Noah was adopted. What I see in the picture that went with the article was a father and son who had the same smile. Knowing now that Noah isn't genetically predisposed to your smile, I think you're both incredibly lucky to have found one another. Noah has cost you what every child costs their real parents- sleepless nights of worry, time spent caring for them when they are sick, and numerous other sacrifices that will hopefully result in a smile like that. Adopted children are the only children who can guarantee they were planned. I wasn't adopted, but I grew up down the street from a couple who had adopted a family of 4 bio siblings all together so they wouldn't be separated. I've always thought very highly of them for it- but they weren't done, they adopted 2 more. Don't you dare suggest to the original 4 that the other 2 are any less their siblings.
And be honest in your posts. It means more from the heart. Damn the offended.
Write what you feel. That's why we love to read it.
My kids? Only my heart. And well worth the price.
Someone asked my husband "where my daughter came from" because he assumed she was adopted. He had adopted his daughter from China (I am chinese, husband is caucasian) & automatically assumed my daughter was adopted. Apparently he said this in front of my daughter! Bottom line, people in general have to be more careful at what they say about anyone's child. Period. If you can't say anything nice....well you know the rest.
I believe that was the post that led me to your blog and hooked me in. I read it, and went back and read your earlier blogs because I loved your writing style and what you had to say!
I agree with all those who have said it... Dont' edit yourself! Be who you are and write what you have to say. What I'm sure a lot of us fell in love with about your blog was the fact that you SAID what you wanted to say and didn't filter it. (to be honest, I have skipped a few of your newer posts because they have started to lack that flair that I first loved).
Dan, I discovered your blog not long before that post, and I cheered REALLY hard for you in the way you handled it!
People can be rude and insensitive, but it seems most of that comes from out-and-out stupidity. The rest is just bad manners.
We had similar encounters when my twins were small, and their Dad and oldest sister (she's 14 years older) would push the stroller around the mall. Women gave him dirty looks for robbing the cradle and the men would wink and give him a thumbs up, think she was his pretty little trophy wife. He was sorely tempted to have a shirt printed that said, "No, ALL OF THEM are my children!"
Thank you for bringing this to me today! I absolutely believe it and will be sharing.
Don't edit yourself! Write from the heart. If people don't like it they can stop reading. Don't let them steal your joy!!!
I had NICU baby as well and he is call our Hundred Grand+ Baby, but his life is worth every cent
A year ago I read that post, we had just got home from the NICU and hadn't yet got the bills.. So I kinna had an odd perspective to the post. $700,000+ just for his spot in the NICU. He is probably getting close to $2mil now. :P. Oh well :)
Btw.. My hubby is one of 8 kids, 5 of them (including him) were adopted.
Thanks for pointing me to "the way beginning". <3
I have two younger brothers - one was carried in my mother's womb and one arrived at the age of 18 months after having been gestated and kept elsewhere. They are both my brothers and they were both royal pains in the buttocks when we were growing up! :)
I remember that post. :) I'm adopted, if I had a $1 for everytime somebody asked me a question about my "real" parents, I would be rich. Keep writing from your heart, not anybody else's! :)
Actually, I don't pay attention to how much my children cost me. I do pay attention to how much my bills are only cause I hate them and have to pay them. My children are my joy and I willingly pay for the things they need with the money left over after paying the bills. How much exactly or even estimated, I really don't know. All I know is that its worth every penny I spend.
While going thru a trying time my Grandmas once told me, "sometimes the only reason we go through things is so that we can be there for other people when they go through the same thing."
Dan,
Thank you for writing. Thank you for being real. Thank you for, at one time, being a "small" voice that one day suddenly "went big." Thank you for sharing here, in this post, a bit of what it has been like for you as a writer to go through that transition. You are an inspiration and I'm grateful you chose to open up and write!
Thank you!
Angie
Well, I'm certainly glad that you did have the courage to write it, and that you wouldn't go back and re-do it, because it was The Disease Called Perfection that brought me to your blog, and all the good things in my life that came with it. Thank you.
I think that post went viral because you spoke your truth without fear of the audience's reaction.
The bigger you get, the more critics you will get. It is hard for anyone in a creative endeavor to stay true to your own voice.
This post inspired me to go back and start reading the posts I've missed. I'm amazed and in awe (and often recommend this site to dads I meet or know). You have been given many gifts; the best being Noah and the least being your ability to share yourself through your writing. It is wonderful to see a man truly embrace being a father. Yes, I'm sure you aren't perfect ... but to so many, you represent what we wish we had for ourselves and for our children. My daughter will never know the love her father. She can not remember him, as he passed away when she was not yet 3 years old. Thank you for reminding me that there are men like you ready to be the fathers that so many of us wish for for our own children.
For someone that writes a blog for a living and obviously knows the power of words, (just think about how those words innocently spoken by an old lady that this post is about made you feel, and none of them were swear words)I'm surprised you would call any word silly and insignificant. How silly and insignifacant would it sound coming out of Noah'a mouth? In our deteriorating society most people don't consider "damn" to be a swear word any more, but there are many who do, and I'm sure not just in your past religion. If it is so silly and insignificant, why was it so liberating to finally use it? Why anyone feels the need to use any swear word is beyond me. Does it make you feel smart? Powerful? Important? Tough? Accepted? With as much time and thought that I believe you put into your posts, you can do better than resorting to swearing.
you might not like swearing, i can understand that. But you seem to miss the point of what it means to break away from an oppressive religious/family system that defines every notion of right and wrong for you. To believe in yourself enough that you trust your own values regardless of what pressure/manipulation or rejection you might face. These fears are very real and something that can be hard to fight against for those of us who have been "enchained" by them. I understand (though i'm having a hard time verbalizing it) and celebrate with Dan on this one point because (at plenty of other levels) it hits home for me too...
I've been a reader of your blog for over a year now, and remember reading that post when you made it. I loved the way you used to write, when you didn't have to worry so much about how many people would jump down your throat. I've always loved your frank honesty and insight. I hope you don't change too much in order to keep the peace; It just wouldn't be.. you. Good luck and best wishes!
I loved "How much did your kid cost?".. much like I've loved your other pointed posts- Perfection, Worthless Men/Worthless Women, Time vs Broken Heart... But then, I've always liked pieces (written, music, movies, etc) that make you sit back and think.
Thanks again. Keep writing!
Love your blog Dan! LOVE that you say what you feel. I personally like the "old sarcastic Dan" better. He wasn't worried about making the masses happy. Congrats on your Beautiful life and the places it is taking you.
The original post is what got me following you! I totally get what that post was saying. I have a bi-racial daughter who we adopted when she was born. The question I get all the time, and it is getting old, is: Where is she from? Or where did you get her from? I mention a town nearby and they are all shocked and amazed. I am not sure if they are thinking of all the adoptions from African countries, or if they think domestic adoptions don't occur any more.
Thanks for posting this because it gave me a chance to look at the original post. My kids are biologically mine and I get asked periodically if they are adopted because their father is black and I am white. I guess people just can't see past the fact that they have slightly darker skin than me even if we have the same exact smile. Anyway, that is another issue, but I have always thought it was so insensitive to every bring up adoption in front of a child. Some parents choose not to tell the child and that is their choice. I appreciate the post because it gives some good rules for people who might not know they are saying something insensitive.
When my kids were younger, I was asked several times how much they cost (while walking through a store). They are biologically mine and my daughter looks like me. I took it as the person asking thought they were cute and that I must have put out lots of money for such cuteness. I suppose I may have been offended if they were adopted. I don't think people want to know how much you paid to adopt the kids, but how much you "paid" for such cuteness! (I've also been asked what aisle I got them in.)
Not to worry, never fear, every word out of your mouth will P.O. someone, so just be who you are. BTW, just how much DID your kid cost? you think there's a sale? bahahaha
I LOVE this post. I am a single adoptive mom of two girls from Moldova. I have had the same question from people. And you just want to say WTF? They are not deaf.
I try to think that they "know not what they say" sort of thing but it is rude to say the list.
Love you posts and blog. Keep up the good work.
Just FYI, I am part of that same religion, and I sometimes use words much harsher than "damn" over on my blog when I get really worked up over something. (Just don't tell my bishop, please?) My point is, sometimes you have to remember it's your blog and sometimes to properly express yourself you have to relax the PC standards. That's what being real is about. Bringing it straight from the heart, even if it may be unfiltered.
Dan, I love your writing and how you aren't an apple polisher, you just say what you feel. I think more people need to be like this. I get into trouble all the time because I am extremely honest and make people feel bad, but I think it's better to speak the truth and have somebody hurt for a moment than to lie and have them feel good when they shouldn't. Besides, do they really feel good when deep down they know they are wrong???
Anyways, I am a young mother of 4, wife of 8 years and I get asked all the time if it's my first husband or if the kids have the same dad or all sorts of crazy, inappropriate questions. I just try to come up with funny or sarcastic answers. :)
BTW, swearing is NOT against the commandments!I know you didn't necessarily say it was, but I am sure you come from a family that believes so, as I am also from Utah. It drives me crazy that people think it belongs up there with murder and other horrible things. It may be offensive to some but it's not as bad as many things we find acceptable; such as manipulation, browbeating and other truly damaging things.
Love your posts!
Nice to know I am in that 0.2% ! Dan, it is a BLOG....YOUR opinions....YOUR thoughts....your feelings...write what you want. If people don't like it they don't have to read it. I am tired of having to re-think every little thought because it isn't "PC" and might offend someone. I love your blog and have sent it on to many of my friends. Keep doing what you do...you never know when something you write may touch someone in a special way. My favorite is "Congratulations, you have just broken your child"...I'd like to give out copies to some parents.
I have 2 boys ages 10 & 8...my wife and I have been married for 11 years. The oldest has brown hair and looks just like me. The youngest has very blonde hair, and only our faces resemble each other. One day in costco, a little old lady approached me and commented on how cute my kids were...they were about 2 & 4 at the time. I replied with "thank you"...she then said "one blond and one brown hair?" I said "yes". She then asked "are they both yours"... I proceeded to tell her "yes". She turned her nose up at me, said "hmmm" and turned and walked away. The nerve of some people!
Dan, I totally get that you don't want to offend people. But there is freedom in realizing that you are almost INCAPABLE of offending. Each and every person chooses to be offended. If people look at the intent of your blog, they can see it. To enlighten, uplift, and bring attention to parenting, relationships, thought provoking events. I say write what you feel and want to say. It is YOUR blog. If people choose to be offended, they can go find some perfect blog somewhere else. Keep up the great work!
Hear, hear! Totally agree with Dawn. Our lives are a little bit richer because of you and Noah, even though we've never 'met'!
I've been with you since before you wrote that post. But it was one of my favorites
I was around reading your stuff back then. I do miss your earlier writing style. But I don't want you to pacify me. My grandma always told me that you cannot please everyone and if you try you will end up unsatisfied yourself. So I say write what you like. After all that is how you got to this point :)
Anyhow blessings to you and please keep writing. As a mother of 7 who homeschools I have related to the things you write.
So true. And in all reality, the people who love and appreciate that writing style outnumber the people who don't 99 to 1. The problem is the 1% is sometimes 99% of the voices that are shared. LOL.
If she meant that comment truly about the adoption, then of course it is completely inappropriate. However, I have been asked a handful of times "what aisle did you get him on" or "how much did they cost" or "careful before you take him out of the store, I hear theres a no return policy once you leave" about my biological children. Is it possible it was a good humor grocery store joke that may have been taken the wrong way instead of an actual question about his adoption costs?
A few people definitely brought up that possibility last year. Haha. I've had people say that just kidding around, and it's not offensive. But there was no doubt she was asking because she could see he was adopted.
I love your "assume the best and doubt the worst" attitude! :)
I've only been around here for a short time, but I think you should bring back that sarcasm. Back then, you weren't writing for an audience. I lost that fervor in my own writing once I knew people were reading and had opinions about my writing.
So, my point. Keep writing like this blog never went viral and screw what other people think :)
Em, I actually agree and have been working lately to get it back. I think it makes writing a lot better, that's for sure!
I have two biological children. I have NEVER been asked how much my kids "cost", and with good reason. Does anyone care what my hospital co-pay, or maternity clothing, or time off work "cost"? I doubt it. The litmus test for whether or not a question is inappropriate is to try to transfer it to a different yet similar situation and see if sounds asinine, which it does in this case. But all that aside, I'm SO glad you wrote that post. I wouldn't have found your blog otherwise. And you wouldn't have changed so many lives because of it!!! Happy 1 year anniversary of your "viral post"! ;)
I was one of the .2% that was reading your blog back then and I remember that post well. I loved your sarcasm and was glad you had an outlet. Keep up the good work Dan! I love to read your posts....you can add back some sarcasm for me!
Lisa, you're in the .2% who are the rockstariest of all the rockstars! :)
Because we can't have biological children together, my husband and I are currently looking into adoption. While I would never ask someone "How much did your child cost?", I have ask friends how much the adoption process cost them, so that we can understand what we are facing financially. I don't think I would ever go up to a stranger and ask them either question.
Which is the appropriate way to ask it for sure. Just not in front of the kid! :)
Adoption is amazing. I really hope I can go through the process again someday.
I find it odd that anyone would even ask such a thing. Maybe because I'm the product of a mixed cultural marriage, and so are many of my friends. These days, I just don't get why anyone would even question it. I was not a reader a year ago, but until this post reference, I just assumend that your ex was hispanic.
I also find it really odd, being that he very much looks like he's half Caucasian.
He really is a beautiful boy. 1/2 Caucasian, 1/4 Panamanian, 1/4 Jamaican.
You're right -- he's gorgeous! As is our son, who was also adopted. He's half Caucasian, half black, and yet when I was alone with him in a store when he was young, a woman said it was so nice of me to take care of him. Like I was the maid!