Dreams. I’ve had a lot of weird ones. Some that were absolutely insane. Like the time I dreamed that I was sitting with an ostrich, a hippo, and a giraffe in a hot tub, and the hippo turned to me and said, “dude, somebody’s gotta tell the ostrich to scram.” I was too chicken because this particular ostrich was well known for pecking people’s eyes out. The giraffe told me to man up and grabbed the ostrich by the neck, swung him around his head, and threw him across the parking lot. Oh, did I mention the hot tub was in the middle of a parking lot?

And that got me to thinking… would it be as funny or weird to hear about other people’s “craziest dreams?” So, I asked you on Facebook to share your craziest dream in 40 words or less. These are the first half of your hilarious, weird, and somewhat disturbing replies.

  • When I was pregnant. I dreamt I had two babies. One a head of lettuce. The other, a turtle. I was horrified watching the turtle eat the lettuce! Very strange nightmare!
  • The Golden Girls and I were trapped in a video game, and Betty White kept trying to chop off my head.
  • I watched myself eating a bowl of Cornflakes. Seriously. That was it. For like half an hour.
  • I VIVIDLY remember dreaming, as a small child, GIANT Mr. Clean heads growing in rows on my Grandpa’s farm.
  • I had a recurring dream that I found a baby on a hill but then lost it and panicked only to find it perched on my shoulder like a parrot.
  • When I was pregnant, I dreamt my husband did a c-section on me so that we could see the baby. Held baby with placenta still in belly with cord still attached. Then put him back.
  • When I was 9, I had a dream that I was picking up Michael Jackson from the airport, but Mr. T was jealous, because I was his girlfriend, and tried to beat up Michael Jackson.
  • I lost my dog. I couldn’t find her ANYWHERE. Opened the fridge to find her shrunken in the veggie crisper.
  • I have a recurring dream where gnomes chase me with little pocket knives and lots of tornados in the background.
  • I once had a dream where I was scrubbing breadcrumbs off the floor and the floor started to bleed through the breadcrumbs.
  • When I was super pregnant I had a dream I was stuck in an elevator with Flava Flav and he had to help me deliver my son, big clock and all. He held him up for me to see and said “It’s a BOOOOYYYYYEEEEEEE!”
  • Willie Nelson was pushing me in a shopping cart down a large hill. My last sentence: “Slow down, Willie! You’re going too fast!”
  • Dad died. Casket in a wheat field. We were all dressed like Amish. Casket caught on fire and I lift my long dress and start running around casket yelling “Hot potatoes, hot potatoes”.
  • I spent a night dreaming that people were trying to swipe their debit cards down my butt-crack! Woke with the worst pain in my shoulders from having my hands guarding my ATM all night!
  • I gave birth to a litter of kittens that I kept in a christmas shirt box in the toilet.
  • A former boyfriend (from 25 years ago) and I were taking African dance lessons together and as part of the class we had to raise mosquitoes.
  • My friend killed Harvey Keitel and hid the body in her fridge, then me and people I worked with drove on a race course straight out of Mario Kart throwing turtle shells and banana peels at each other.
  • Me in the backseat of a limo with the Beatles. I’m a huge Beatles fan. It was awesome.
  • A disembodied Jamaican guy head, bobbing around my bed saying, “Hey, mon! Let’s PARTAY! Get up and PARTAY!”
  • I was married to Woody Allen and we were on a game show where he had one minute to get me out of a car and win the big prize. He smashed the window and pulled me out but the glass cut my belly open and all my guts fell out. The door was unlocked the whole time.
  • As a kid, dreamt I was being chased by a pork-chop with legs that was wearing red Converse high-tops. Fred Flintstone appeared and offered to let me hide under his sofa, but since it was made of stone, there was no way to get under it.
  • I was pregnant and the doctor and I were looking at an X-ray and instead of a baby there was a perfect pineapple (leaves and all) in there. His comment was : either way, that’s going to hurt coming out.
  • I dreamt I gave birth to twins, but they were hamsters and I used a shoebox for their crib.
  • In a check out line, a large red ape comes over, starts wrestling a man in front of me. They argue about who had the best move, Manager comes up, he can’t judge, he calls President Obama over, he judges.
  • I was beheaded by Queen Elizabeth (the 1st). As my head fell off the Tower of London, it turned to face up and I was able to see her laughing at my headless body.
  • I dreamt there was a tiny Mexican man wearing a very large sombrero living in the cupboard above my stove. every time I would open the cupboard, he would smile & say, “sopapilla?”. Apparently, he made them on demand.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. What was the craziest dream you’ve ever had? And what was your favorite dream above?

SDL’s Quote of the Day
“Dreams are answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.”  ~X-Files

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!