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Paintin’ Butts on Pumpkins

Last week, Noah and I went to the grocery store looking for pumpkins to carve. Five days before Halloween and they were completely sold out. Now, I don’t want to rat this store out for destroying every chance we had at being happy, but I will. It was Walmart.

So, we headed five miles down the road to the next closest store where they had giant bins full of pumpkins. The pumpkins were absolutely gorgeous. Symmetrical and sexy. Exactly what every professional pumpkin carver wants.

I pulled Noah out of the cart and told him to pick any pumpkin he wanted.

You’d have thought I was letting him choose his future wife or something. He studied each pumpkin for flaws, broken handles, and scuff marks. Whenever he found one he liked, he would insist that I show him the other side so that he could make sure it also was perfect. We must have walked around that stand (which was freezing, I might add) for 20 minutes and no fewer than 320 times, yet he never could be satisfied with any one pumpkin.

Then out of nowhere he grabbed his crotch, looked at me with a burst of panic, and said as he pointed to a random uninspected pumpkin, “Dad, I want that one! But I gotta go potty.” I picked it up, it was probably among the most perfect of all the pumpkins he had looked at.

Right underneath it was a very imperfect pumpkin. I wanted to pull it out of the stack for a closer look, but Noah’s strained face told me that would be neither acceptable or without dastardly results.

After a sprint to the restroom, a race to unload, and our usual contest for cleanest hands, we headed back out to the pumpkin bins. I asked Noah if he still liked the one he had picked on the fly. He studied it over carefully and declared that he did. I went back to the spot with the imperfect pumpkin.

Noah started laughing. “Dad, look at that one! It looks like a butt!”

So I bought it.

I guess you can say I’m a champion for the underdogs.

Now, our original plan had been to carve these bad boys, but after picking out a butt-pumpkin, I felt like paint might offer more creative opportunity, so I mentioned it to Noah. He quickly decided carving was the very inferior approach when dealing with our squashes.

I pulled some paint out and Noah jumped right in as if he’d been painting for years. He knew what he wanted and he got to work.

“What ya paintin’ pal?” I asked him.

“I’m painting mine to be a guy in a hat!” he sqealed.

I told him that was a great idea. He didn’t hear me. He had already shifted back into “the zone.”

Then he suddenly sprung away from his work, excitement pouring from his expression. “Dad, I want to paint mine like a butt so it looks like yours!” I started laughing and told him he could paint it however he wanted.

“Dad, you paint yours like a butt, too!” he said. “Let’s paint butt pumpkins!”

I agreed.

I mean, how could I not?

25 comments
stella
stella

Thanks for the laugh, Dan! How fun! Joe the Plumber is simply awesome.

I've been meaning to say this for a while now - Noah is such a handsome little man! And he is very lucky to have you for a dad. :)

EmmaJewel
EmmaJewel

CJ couldn't go trick-or-treating here at home, we were on our way home from my grampa's funeral - he was able to T-R-T at my gramma and grampa's independent living facility, so he did get to grab some candy from some very sweet "old ladies" (as my gramma has said :)

We got home late last night so we're home today - and tomorrow CJ gets braces. So CJ was able to chew on some candy before getting braces.

We'll see if we do something for next Halloween. He'll be in 8th grade next year so maybe a halloween party will be in the works :)

RachelSalaun
RachelSalaun

I think you should open a butt pumpkin painting contest Dan !

Mike Raiford
Mike Raiford

I laughed through the whole post. :) Great fun!

Faith McCausland
Faith McCausland

Noah's butt looks like a kid's butt. Yours looks like a plumbers, so I'd say they both worked out appropriately.
Hope your halloween is happy even though you aren't trick or treating with your little one. I'm exhausted from going with mine (but grateful that I got to!)

Just JJ
Just JJ

We planned to carve pumpkins this year - our first carving in many years since we've been opting for the safer, more creative, painted pumpkins so they can last all the way through Thanksgiving. In fact last year they stayed on the porch until February when they finally decided to start decomposing. But I digress. The plan was to carve this year but the days and nights and weekends flew by far too fast and the next thing I know it is Halloween and we never got around to it. Luckily the kids have been so busy that they have not noticed or commented. Maybe we can turn them into turkeys for Thanksgiving instead...or maybe we'll make butt pumpkins. :o)

Tuvara King
Tuvara King

You made me remember why I love your posts! I actually did a women's arm wrestling event with an entourage following the Luscious Lioness of the Wizard of Odd the great descendant of the Cowardly Lion. I was the Lollipop Kid's Mama. I sold my lollipops for $1 and the lap dances were free!Tonight I'm passing out the leftover lollipops thanks to my niece turning on the beacon/porch light.

zedseverywhere
zedseverywhere

I just carved my pumpkin and it looks awesome!! :D

LoganMitchell
LoganMitchell

I, too, chose an imperfect pumpkin this year. My daughter was not nearly as selective as Noah but she got a pretty good looking one. My pumpkin, however, I chose specifically for its unique shape -- it was very similar to the shape of a skull! You can see it here-> https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/299704_267355239968742_116755025028765_686933_495876035_n.jpg

My daughter is carving hers today, so I won't see until I get off work. But I'm sure it will be very creative (and more than likely have something to do with "Tangled").

TraciDotsonShirk
TraciDotsonShirk

Noah scouts for the perfect wife...errrr, I mean pumpkin (smart man). My twin 7 year old sons both insisted on a long and draw out, narrated "let's try out as many pumpkins before we marry...I mean pick one." version. They were looking for something "different." A wife..errrr, pumpkin...PUMPKIN, with "uniqueness." Uniqueness being code for: 'there's a reason it ain't found a home, honeys." My boys found their wives...I mean pumpkins. They lived happily ever after! ;)

KimberlyStoker
KimberlyStoker

I have painted my pumpkin for years. I think it started when I didn't trust my niece or nephews with a knife and I figured paint washes off, eventually. My nephews' (both) looked a lot like Noah's. I don't think we ever got as creative as you, lol

This year, I am going back to the knife but I left it to the last minute.....like today. We'll see if I make it a permanent change or if I go back to the paint. The carving gives me a chance to play with pumpkin guts......a true part of the Halloween experience :0)

hopeforthebest
hopeforthebest

Oh, Dan, you are such a dork. But an awesome one! We'll come admire your butt in person in a couple hours... (Can a big sister get away with checking out her little brother's butt?)

Non-Stop Mom
Non-Stop Mom

We carved. But I lucked out when I went to the grocery store and found some huge pumpkins - the biggest one was 55 pounds! I thought having huge pumpkins was a good idea, until I realized that it made the walls of them that much thicker and harder to carve - but it was fun.

NancyKhouryBrown
NancyKhouryBrown

This made me laugh, and I needed a laugh today. LOL Happy Halloween to you and yours. <3

OurLifeOurLove6409
OurLifeOurLove6409

Halloween was canceled for us here in Massachusetts! Due to a major snowstorm that tore down power lines and trees. It's not safe to go outside, but we're lucky enough to have power! most people don't!

Aria Dia
Aria Dia

I am carving pumpkins... and as this also not my year for trick-or-treating nor was it my weekend this weekend... I have yet to see my kids since friday. Its depressing.