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You said WHAT to your kid?

Oh man. You know what we haven’t done in FAR too long? A “You said WHAT to your kid?” post. Am I right? Today I’m just in the mood to laugh my butt off, how about you?

Some time ago, on Single Dad Laughing’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure. All just as innocent as the moments that made them.

Today’s list comes 100% from the comments left on previous “You said WHAT to your kid?” posts.

  • Stop licking your brothers butt.
  • I don’t care if the cup fits in the toilet- you may not drink the water!
  • No honey! we don’t play with skulls.
  • I don’t care if you don’t like it, I’m getting that booger out of there!
  • Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to touch it ALL THE TIME.
  • Get your fork out of your underpants!
  • No, I will not kiss your butt better.
  • Noooooo! Don’t pee on that cheesecake!
  • How did you hurt your vagina and elbow at the same time?
  • Peeing on the slide does not make it a water slide!
  • That is not mud, that’s dog poop, please go and wash your hands.
  • The baby doesn’t like it when you put the pillow on her face!
  • No, the snowman cannot come inside and sit on the couch.
  • Get out of the dryer.
  • Yes, that is pretty… wait, is that my lipstick you colored it with?
  • Did you poop behind the curtain?!
  • Eat your ice cream and then you can have more ketchup!
  • Chainsaws are for trees only, not brothers!
  • We don’t put candy in our butt.
  • Stop chewing on that Tampax!
  • Please stop licking the tub.
  • I told you before. I can’t hear you when I’m going pee.
  • How did you get you leg stuck in the cat tree?
  • You can’t have any more cereal until you eat what’s on the floor.
    , , ,
    142 comments
    CrystalCalliou
    CrystalCalliou

    My friend to her daughter (trying to get her to stop hanging off her and go play): "Addison, why don't you take Zane to his bedroom?"

    Me: "Oh, the things you won't say to them 15 years from now!"

    jill
    jill

    stop licking the boys ass


    mike
    mike

    boys stop putting your tongues in each others peenis and honey please let the boy finish dinner before you lick his butt no you can not put your tongue in his butt 

    mrscasa3112
    mrscasa3112

    "boys, stop touching tongues in the bathtub"

     

    abby
    abby

    Because of my boys darn Toy Story doll - "Nate, did you hear that, Cohen says he used to have a little Woody too."  At which point I realized what I'd said and turned bright red.  Wouldn't be so bad if Cohen weren't a college student...

    amlykken
    amlykken

    Okay Dan, now you need to do a "Kids say the darndest things". I've got LOADS of those! LOL

    amlykken
    amlykken

    I also found myself asking the exact same question from an earlier post "WHY did you give yourself a swirly??"

    amlykken
    amlykken

    There was a moment that I yelled, "PLEASE! STOP STICKING MY MAXI PADS TO THE WALL!! THEY COST MONEY!!" I refer to that moment as "You know you're a mommy when..."

    Merhumina
    Merhumina

    I know it isn't what I said but wanted to share... My son told me one night, "Mom, I don't want to go to Heaven." I said, "Why is that?" and he said "Cause it is just a bunch of dead people."

    I LOVE the way children think!

    Janice Jimenez
    Janice Jimenez

    I recently told my 6yr old to eat his Jello and No he can not have the asparagus in the fridge. I keep thinking I need to write this stuff down.. All the stuff I never thought I would say to my kids..

    AmandaWagar
    AmandaWagar

    While driving home tonight.... Billy (who is 4) "Mommy, I want to be a little man who lives in the toilet!" Me - "You don't want to live in the toilet sweetheart. You'd get pooped on and then you'd be dirty and smell bad all the time." Him - * Starts laughing hysterically "But Mom, that would be reeeeeally funny!"

    karla from colorado
    karla from colorado

    This one isn't what I said to my son, but...

    We were driving on a 'roller-coaster' road and I asked my son if it tickled his tummy, and he said, rather gleefully, "No.. my penis!" (Later, telling some friends about it, one of their husbands sidled over and, while still looking at his magazine, asked, "which road was that?") :D

    Mikki Joiner
    Mikki Joiner

    Thankyou for the post and funny comments. I have been in hysterics reading them.

    naturallywellhealth
    naturallywellhealth

    "If you don't use that gun properly I'm going to take it away." From a mother to her son who was hitting his younger brother with a toy gun.

    Dian Newland
    Dian Newland

    Why is there a cup of pee in your closet?

    Dian Newland
    Dian Newland

    Me to my son last winter (he was 10) : why is that icicle yellow?
    He gives me a sheepish look but no answer.
    Me: we don't pee out the windows. Especially when the bathroom is right next to your bedroom.

    chrissyPWNS
    chrissyPWNS

    "In this house, you need to at least wear underpants at the dinner table."

    That's what the fancy people from the South would call "getting dressed for dinner. LOL

    Serena Zentner
    Serena Zentner

    my 14 yr old pulled my 5yr olds pants down and i I had to tell my 5yr old, when you go to school today you are not allowed to depants anyone!.

    MaryJane Axford-Baker
    MaryJane Axford-Baker

    To my potty trainning about 3 yr old son "that is a pocket for your penis, not goldfish crackers!!!" And the one that everyone still talks about was my ex-husband right after our son was born and the Dr asked him if he wanted to cut the cord "No I'm not touching that...it's a bio-hazard!!!" This was after pre-natal class and people were told they couldn't bring the placenta home with them to "plant" in their gradens! Dev still gets called a lil bio-hazard babe at times :0)

    My Tempered Tantrum
    My Tempered Tantrum

    Don't pee on the cheesecake? I bet there's a good story to go along with that one!

    LucySkyDiamonds
    LucySkyDiamonds

    NO! Do not bring the running garden hose in the kitchen because you need to wash your hands!

    KaylaRenckly
    KaylaRenckly

    No you do not have eggs in your butt, it's called eczema

    Don't fart on your brother's head

    Doesn't it hurt when you do that? (as my son tries to push his penis back up inside itself)

    No! don't stick your finger in your butt hole!

    Please don't shake your naked bottom at me

    How did you get poop...EVERYWHERE?

    mrsrobertson
    mrsrobertson

    Me: Go put some undies onThe boys: Why? Where are we going?

    Please don't put the smurf on your penis.

    My son in regards to a disabled veteran at the store.. "LOOK!!! He has a toy leg!!!!"

    For all the "kiss my butt" "kiss my penis" ones, I just kiss my hand then touch the "ouchie" part of the affected area. Say "okay, there, now run go play." Thankfully that's worked in the past for us.

    jessfile
    jessfile

    My 3 year old, Wayne, wanted a popsicle, it was 7 am. - "No, it is too early for a popsicle. Here, have this cookie."

    "Wayne, pull up your underwear and quit shaking your dinky at those kids!"

    My 3 year old: "Uh oh! Mom, Jolene (my 10 month old daughter) doesn't have a dinky!" Me: "She sure doesn't. She is a girl." Son: "Here! She can have mine!" Me: "No! Quit trying to pull your penis off!"

    "Kenneth, is that pee? In the vegetable drawer?? Did you pee in the refrigerator?!"

    Amanda Wagar
    Amanda Wagar

    "Yes, Billy, that house does have a green light on it. No, that does not mean that the Green Lanter lives there. No, we cannot go find out."

    There is a house down the road from us that has a green buld in their outdoor light socket. My son is adamant that this MUST mean that it's the Green Lantern's house.

    Kristy Calkins Griffard
    Kristy Calkins Griffard

    Overheard my sister say to my niece the other day: finish my ice cream or you can't go to bed.

    Kathryn Frost
    Kathryn Frost

    To my youngest son, when he was 2, visiting some friends for spring break, friends who have a clear plastic container of multi-colored dog biscuits on their kitchen counter, after several small, carefully worded, and yet still useless explanations as to why those "cookies" are for dogs and not people... "You may have only one per day, and you can choose the color."

    Catherine Jennerjohn Wolf
    Catherine Jennerjohn Wolf

    Not 30 seconds ago, I said to my 4.5 yr. old son: "Please do not bite me while I'm on the phone."

    mortotesta
    mortotesta

    I don't care if it used to be food, it's poop now. (after telling my son no food in the bathroom he responded that poop used to be food) Yes she has a vagina too, all women have a vagina so stop asking. (after talking to my daughter about her parts she would randomly ask women if they had a vagina)

    MeganHansen
    MeganHansen

    I can soooo relate to this one: "In this house, you need to at least wear underpants at the dinner table."

    My 3 year old HATES wearing clothes, but its a rule that she has to at least wear underwear to the table. Seeing naked butts - even my own daughter's very cute one - is just off-putting when you're trying to eat. Just last night she had a meltdown about the underwear rule that lasted til the rest of us were almost done with dinner before she finally caved and put some on!

    KerenaDyeClifton
    KerenaDyeClifton

    Me to my 2 year old "Stop, don't pee in that Tupperware container! What in the world were you going to do with it anyways!?"

    IreneTesterman
    IreneTesterman

    I was smiling laughing to myself during this list, but I laughed out loud at the- Why are you eating your scabs one... ugh. lol

    A few years ago, my son called another student an a-hole. When the teacher asked where he had heard that- he said, "my dad calls me that all the time." So now when he says something crazy, we say, " No, that did not happen, and your dad did not call you an a-hole either."

    KerenaDyeClifton
    KerenaDyeClifton

    My 3 year old said to my friends 5 year old daughter as we were traveling in the car, "Does going over hills make your pee pee wobble back and forth too?" Friends daughter "NOOO!"

    MissyPrysak
    MissyPrysak

    I recently told my son; "NO! We do NOT stick our binkies in the puppy's butt! ....NO! Not the cat's butt, either!"

    Elise Smith
    Elise Smith

    "liam please stop trying to smother your sister with the unicorn." my 17 month old loves to torture my 6 week old

    Rob Hill
    Rob Hill

    What are we doing dad, we are going to run some errands, what errands, going to get gas, car washed and the bank, I like going to the bank better with Mommy...why is that buddy- cause she takes money out of the bank and you just put it in the bank...laughing ...good point buddy! Pretty good for (4) years old!!!

    Rob Hill
    Rob Hill

    Daddy when you pee... are you pushing it out; or sucking it out of the toilet; like a straw....does;

    My sister said that to my Dad when she was about (3) years old....I will never forget hearing my Dad LHAO in the bathroom to come and share with the rest of us...too funny....!

    TracyFisher
    TracyFisher

    "Jesus is not a sword"- said to my 4 year old son who found a crucifix and turned it sideways to make it into a weapon.

    Betsy Kraat
    Betsy Kraat

    "Stop putting rocks in your foreskin!"

    Schelle Pone
    Schelle Pone

    "No, sweetheart, a man doesn't lose his balls like the dog does when he gets "fixed""

    chrissyPWNS
    chrissyPWNS

    @KaylaRenckly

    My kid does the same dang thing! (item #3). He's almost four, but I've seen him do it since he was about 2. It does NOT look comfortable, but then again, I don't have one of those, so who am I to judge?

    MeganDaileyStanish
    MeganDaileyStanish

    @mortotesta Oh, I can so relate. My 3-year-old daughter asks about that, too, although fortunately she asks me, not them.