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Oh man. You know what we haven’t done in FAR too long? A “You said WHAT to your kid?” post. Am I right? Today I’m just in the mood to laugh my butt off, how about you?

Some time ago, on Single Dad Laughing’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure. All just as innocent as the moments that made them.

Today’s list comes 100% from the comments left on previous “You said WHAT to your kid?” posts.

  • Stop licking your brothers butt.
  • I don’t care if the cup fits in the toilet- you may not drink the water!
  • No honey! we don’t play with skulls.
  • I don’t care if you don’t like it, I’m getting that booger out of there!
  • Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to touch it ALL THE TIME.
  • Get your fork out of your underpants!
  • No, I will not kiss your butt better.
  • Noooooo! Don’t pee on that cheesecake!
  • How did you hurt your vagina and elbow at the same time?
  • Peeing on the slide does not make it a water slide!
  • That is not mud, that’s dog poop, please go and wash your hands.
  • The baby doesn’t like it when you put the pillow on her face!
  • No, the snowman cannot come inside and sit on the couch.
  • Get out of the dryer.
  • Yes, that is pretty… wait, is that my lipstick you colored it with?
  • Did you poop behind the curtain?!
  • Eat your ice cream and then you can have more ketchup!
  • Chainsaws are for trees only, not brothers!
  • We don’t put candy in our butt.
  • Stop chewing on that Tampax!
  • Please stop licking the tub.
  • I told you before. I can’t hear you when I’m going pee.
  • How did you get you leg stuck in the cat tree?
  • You can’t have any more cereal until you eat what’s on the floor.
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!