Noah’s soccer season ended a few weeks ago. And now that it’s over, can I just say… there are some dads that I’d really just like to smack.
Not because they were getting too “into” the game or anything. Not because they were going all Gloria on the coach. Not because they were starting altercations over team-treats with other parents.
No, it’s because they belittle their kids’ accomplishments.
And it drives me crazy.
Now, you’ll remember from an earlier post that Noah was struggling a little bit with the whole concept of “gettin-in-there” when it comes to soccer. He spent most of his games following the pack around, happy when the ball passed by him for a quick kick.
He also ended up having spurts of super-kid speed and strength once in a while. There were times when he would suddenly catch fire. He even scored a few goals during the season.
And whether he was simply trying to overcome his fear by getting more into the middle of the pack or was flying down the field like David Beckham, I was proud of him.
But boy howdy… when he was able to get that ball into the goal… you’d have thought I (and his mom and stepdad) had just witnessed the greatest sports moment of all time. And our excitement meant everything to him.
Halfway through the season, another kid on his team scored a goal. This was a kid similar to Noah in skill and boldness, and when he got a goal it was something incredible. And he did get a goal during this particular game.
And the coach started whoopin’ and hollerin’.
And the other parents started screamin’ and dancin’.
And I jumped out of my chair and celebrated for him.
And his dad, he wasn’t really watching. And he didn’t respond.
And that was sad because his kid had just had his burst of amazingness, stole the ball, and dribbled it all the way down the field for a goal you’d expect to see on a professional soccer field.
But his dad, like I said, wasn’t watching.
The coach noticed that he wasn’t watching or cheering and he said, “did you see that?! That was incredible! Johnny just scored a really good goal!”
And the dad looked at the coach and said, “I guarantee if he did it was an accident.” Then he started laughing.
And I wanted to smack him.
A couple games later another kid scored a goal. Different kid. Different dad. Only this kid was the team powerhouse. He was the driver that scored most of the goals. He was always in there kicking from the middle of the pack. He was something to watch.
And during this particular game, he emerged from a pile-up of kids, dodged incoming rivals, and pounded it in the goal.
The coach whooped and hollered.
The other parents screamed and danced.
I shouted his name and gave him a big thumbs up.
And his dad, he was watching. And he yelled at his kid. ”Jared, next time wait till you’re closer to kick it in the goal.”
There was no smile on his face. No excitement for what his kid had just done. Just determination that his kid will do it right the next time.
And I wanted to smack him.
Maybe that makes me imperfect or judgmental.
But damn, Dads. Your kids don’t suck. Your kids are incredible. And I’m betting they really wish you’d treat them as such.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Have you experienced parents downsizing their kids accomplishments? Have you experienced parents who only see the faults in their kids accomplishments and not the more amazing fact that their kids just accomplished something? As a kid did you experience that? Sorry to rant today. This is just one that really gets under my skin.
I see it all the time. My ex husband is one to do this and it breaks my heart.
This is something that drives me nuts too. I feel so sorry for the kids of these parents and want to say to them, do you know how great your kid is? Just a suggestion I have, for next year. If this happens again, and what I have done in similar situations is, at the end of the game when everyone is crouding around go up to each kid that did something amazing (or not) but wasn't acknowledged but their parent, is to tell them myself how great what they did was, in front of their parent. It makes the kid feel good and kind of puts light on the fact that they (the parent) hasn't done it, because I go on and on to the kid. Usually within a few seconds the parent is then saying something to their own child about how awesome it was too. Hope this helps and works for the hearts of all those kids that need a great big "that a boy or girl"!
With mine it isn't games but school work. When Varla was little they thought she would have to go to special needs school. I, my translator at the school social worker fought against it and she went to the village school. She is now 9 and can read and write in her own language (Ukrainian) as well as English. Like me, she is just basic at maths (add, subtract, multiply and divide). What did the powers that be want to do, send her for a psychiatric assessment because she can't do maths to a particular level. I have refused, and our village doctor is backing me up. So, she's no good at maths and as I say neither an I, but she can read, write and speak a foreign language (English), I can just about stagger through basic Ukrainian/Russia (mixed together).. My translator is taking her for extra maths lesson to bring her up to the level the powers that be want, but we all praise her up to the eye balls for her mastery of English. I challenge anyone to be great at every subject.
Hi Amy! I write a sports parenting blog (http://jbmthinks.com) and I loved your comment about your daughter's coach...I'd love to talk to you further about it...would you email me at [email protected]? Thanks!
My daughter played soccer this year for the third year in a row. She always seems to have the unlucky team that never wins a game. This year was different, though. This year she had a PHENOMENAL coach. I could not have asked for a better man to coach her team. He was ALWAYS positive with the kids, even when discussing how they should do something differently. He was very animated on the sideline, once even throwing himself on the ground and beating the grass at their bad luck, yelling "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! WE MUST BE THE UNLUCKIEST TEAM EVER!!!" Which, when typed, seems like he was mean, but it was so funny...all of the kids and parents laughed hard at that one.
My daughter played goalie for him, and is emerging as a possible good goalie, but this was her first year. She, like many 8-9 year old soccer players, tends to drift off and not pay attention at times. She just barely stopped a shot from the other team and the coach told her "Great job, but please, pleeease pay attention better...I nearly had a heart attack!"
He always smiled, he always cheered every single good thing they did, no matter how small. This year, my daughter told me she can't wait to play next year. She has never said that before. Her team lost every game this year, just like the last few years. But because of a supportive coach and great parents on the whole team, she didn't just like playing soccer this year, she LOVED it.
The way adults react makes such a huge difference to kids...I wish every adult remembered that.
I have a ten-year-old nephew who recently made the A and B honor roll at his school, and his name got published in the local paper here along with the names of all the other honor roll students. My wife & I told him how proud we were and showed him the newspaper clipping (which he didn't know about). A small thing really, but it really made his day knowing he got his name into the paper. I mean, what could be more exciting to a ten-year old? What was sad was the reaction from his own parents: not a peep.
I totally agree. That makes me so furious! They are setting their kids up for an entire life of self-consciousness and problems that can even lead to aggression. And what do you think these kids will do to their kids when they get older? It's a vicious, senseless cycle and it really pisses me off.
Ugh, I was a little league baseball coach for 3 years and I saw this EVERY. DAY. Kids (5 - 8) would regularly confide in us (the coaches) that we "were nicer to them than their parents" and it just broke my heart.
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I've learned a lot during soccer season. I've learned how to encourage my kid and how NOT to encourage my kid. I've learned how to best cheer and how NOT to cheer. And I've learned that some parents are kind of jerks. In fact, recently I wrote my own blog post about a dad who surprised me with his high expectations.
http://troismommy.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/my-dad-made-me-give-back-my-trophy-is-that-really-better-than-everyone-winning/
We had a situation last spring where my 12 year old son was pitching during a baseball game. His older brother is a pitcher and he had been begging the coach to let him pitch all season. (His usual position is catcher.) One pitch went too close to the batter and several parents on that team yelled at their player to "charge the mound"! You should have seen the look on my son's face - and he was doing his best. Luckily, that player chose to ignore those parents and he looked completely uncomfortable too. The umpire did nothing nor did he say anything to those parents. Come on - this isn't the World Series. The sad thing is, my husband, his dad, said something stupid along the lines of what you're talking about. My son came to me all upset about what his dad said to him. I'm passing along this blog to my husband. Sometimes he needs to be reminded and realize what he's saying is stupid without it coming from me.
Great post!
When I was an INFANT, my parents went to a parenting seminar thing, and my dad told her that his standards were so high, his kids could never meet them. And the teacher lady said "Right, but now that you have kids you realize that they aren't what you expected, right? And you adjusted your expectations?" No. He never did. I'd get an A-, "Why not an A?" I'd get an A. "Why not an A+?" I'd get an A+. "That class wasn't Honors or AP, so it must have been too easy."
The NICEST THING HE EVER SAID TO ME was when he was driving me to school one day because I had drawn something in art class (High School) and it was in a frame, so I couldn't take it on the bus. The teacher had chosen to enter it in a district-wide art exhibition. My dad said "You're a good enough artist you could be an architect." Basically, he told me my passion could be channeled into something practical that he approved of me doing. But for once, I was GOOD ENOUGH to at least do something acceptable to him.
I learned a long time ago not to bother living up to his expectations.
That just makes me sick! To me there is nothing more amazing than the excitement my children have for their accompishments and I CANNOT imagine never appreciating/celebrating those moments with them. I wanna smack em for you!
My son hasn't quite finished his football season as yet, but some of the coaches drive me nuts when they holler and rant and, I think, bully the team with their thoughtless comments. Our coach tries his best to always bolster the boys, no matter how they've played. He never yells or says anything that would destroy their confidence and I admire him for this. There are some Dad's round the touchline that whoop and holler for all the boys on the team and sometimes for the other team!!! But we have one lad that thinks he's the next best thing to Tim Tebow!! He rarely listens in practice, doesn't pay attention to the plays and goofs about distracting the other boys. Now, him I want to clip round the ear!!! Poor coach is patience personified. How he maintains his cool demeanor I'll never know. I'd flip and kick him off the team. But like you I hate it when I hear demoralizing comments from parents and sometimes it's the parents that have pushed their kid into a particular sport, whether they wanted to play it or not. My husband supports our kids in whatever they decide to do. He's so determined to be there for them because his own Dad was utterly useless and he never wants them to feel that way about him. (I know I've gone off the plot somewhat, sorry).Well done for being a fab Dad to Noah. I love reading your blogs (although my husband can't understand why I'm reading "some chap's" page?!!!!
My hubby was coaching our 5 year old son's soccer team this fall. All the parents of the kids on the team were awesome. Cheering all the kids on, never once yelling at the kids, like you describe. Now some of the other teams parents and coaches were a totally different story. Come on, they are only 5 and you are screaming at them to do better, run faster, kick straighter etc. I remember one game where BOTH the Mom and Dad were screaming at their kid the entire game. Hubby is pretty laid back and could care less if the kids win or lose, as long as they are having fun it is a good game. However even he wanted to smack the Dads/Moms/Coaches and tell them to stop belittling their kids. He told me that the worst coach he saw was actually one of the Moms!
This kinda hits me in a sore spot and one that I've been dealing with now that my mother has passed away. Growing up I played sports, soccer, water polo and on a competition swim team. During our games or meets every game it was, "Call us when it's over". They willingly missed (and were retired and did not work) every goal, personal best record, and making team captain. Thank you for this post, Dan. I hope parents can realize their potential lack of interest can be very damaging to a child when all they want is for someone to be proud of them.
I love you for this post. I see this all the time and it drives me crazy and breaks my heart all at the same time.
My husband needs to read this. He is one who see our son do something great but then mutter to me, well, he should have done it this way or next time he should do it that way or that was a total fluke. Ticks me off to no end. It doesn't matter how great the kids are, parents should be supportive no matter what. The coaches job is to coach..the parent's job is to bring up their self esteem and tell them great job no matter what the outcome.
I've said many times that we should start filming "Real Soccer Moms of Oklahoma" because of the way some of the parents act. Granted, it is typically the dads who are the most vocal. My oldest (7) has played 5 season of soccer and for the last 3 seasons he's had more or less the same teammates. One of the kids dads is a football coach for a school in a very rough part of the next city over. I've watched him mellow out and I know his heart regardless of what he voices and with every "you should have done it this way" there's a "good job son" close by. Even so, I know he rubs 99% of the other parents wrong just because he's loud and gruff sounding.
My dad used to tell me when I would bring home an A-, "What you couldn't get an A+?" A smack was definitely deserved, especially coming from a B/C student himself.
@ktidwell1977 Same for me. It was never good enough. And if I did good in one area, the conversation was not about how proud he was for that, but rather why everything else wasn't up to par.
I understand. If I got 100% on a test or homework, my dad used to ask why I didn't get 101%? He thought he was joking, but it was hard trying to always meet more than his perfect expectations... @ktidwell1977
My husband grew up with a mother who was very critical and never complimentary. Even now, when I tell her how amazing her son is (and he is truly an amazing and gifted man in so many ways) she'll say, "Oh, he doesn't do that naturally - he gets that from his father," or "I think that's your influence on him because he was never like that before," and then she'll go on to list several things about him that she sees as flaws. I don't understand it, and it really makes me angry, especially since my husband constantly seeks my approval as a result. He sends me every kudos email he receives, and tells me anything impressive that he says or does during the day. So, it isn't just dads. There are some mothers out there who deserve a good smack too!
I see the same thing with parents and cell phones/Ipads. Their kid is doing something cute, or cool, or saying something profound, and they swat them away with an "uh-huh" or "in a minute". I realize you can't pay attention every second, but your facebook game or text to a potential mate should not come before enjoying your kid. I love being an expert on my sons, knowing everything I possibly can about them and appreciating all that they are and all that they aren't.
Sadly, I know a lot of these dads.
I was fortunate enough to have parents who did support me in everything I did, and offered positive reinforcement. I sometimes wonder what the point these dads you want to smack are trying to accomplish...if it's to make their children insecure about themselves to the point where they simply shut down, mission accomplished.
It's so sad that parents treat children this way when children think the world of them and develop their love of self from their feedback.
My story is a bit different. I have two sons that played sports. While they both played different positions either in football or baseball, my ex and the coaching staff was always comparing them to each other. The youngest has lived in the shadow of his brother his whole life and when he tried to break out and do other activities that was separate from his brother, their father was not engaged with these activities. Once they both reached adulthood, my youngest said to me one day, "it's sad that the only time dad cared about me was on the football field".
@Sally Jones
That hurts way deep down where kids shouldn't be allowed to hurt ....
Go see the movie Courageous. I guarantee that you will bawl your eyes out the entire movie. It makes you want to be better than you are. It is the best movie about parenting ever. I love your heart and how you share Noah and how cool he is with us. You are a great dad. I never wanted to smack you.
I was the team fotog for the U-8 team my boy was on this year, and I was very fortunate to be on a team where all the parents were 100% behind every player both on our team and others. Always the parents had a "Way to go" ready when it called for it. We celebrated every goal likewise. There were some parents on the other teams that would do as the "Iwanna smacka" dads for your team there too, and it amazed me that the more the kids were getting yelled at by their parents, the more they would get furturated and resort to dirty field tactics that would have earned them a red card.
Congrats to Noah on a great season, Next year he is going to be a power house!
I need names and addresses, so I can personally go kick these Dad's asses. Who's with me?
When I hear stories like this, it makes me want to hug my dad the next time I see him. So I do. And he invariably looks bewildered, shrugs, and says, "well hon, I was just being a dad." Like his having been an amazing, supportive, strict-but-fair father was just...what you do. Like he wasn't a superhero who took the raw materials of a little girl like any other and actively helped to raise a tough, smart, empowered woman. So I use a line from SDL: Keep being awesome, Daddy.
I'm so glad Noah will be able to look back at his dad's actions during his childhood like I do, and I'm so sad every time it's pointed out to me that this isn't everyone's "dad experience."
My parents NEVER congratulated me on anything unless it made them look good. Heck, they never even bothered showing up for anything. Seriously. School plays. Track & field events. Basketball games. Volleyball games. School award nights. Choir concerts. It was bad enough that my own mother decided that playing Bingo was more important than coming to my college graduation ceremony. I swore to never be a parent like that, to be much more hands on, and I was. I'm a single parent myself and I have a 19yo son who is in his second year of university for an Engineering degree - and I am cheering him on every step of the way. School award nights? I was there. Band concerts? I was there. Soccer games? I was there. High school grad ceremony? You'd better believe I was there.
I saddens me that so many parents can't encourage their children and cheer on their accomplishments. By being so critical all they are teaching their children is that they aren't good enough. And it makes me wonder what will be good enough in the eyes of those kinds of parents. Probably nothing, even if that child becomes wildly successful and brings in a large income. The parents will still find something to criticize their children for...and it is disgusting.
I no longer give a damn what my parents think of me and my accomplishments. I know that I have succeeded further than they ever will or than they will ever give me credit for. And my son has grown up with something I never did - the full support of a parent in everything he does. To me, that is the most important accomplishment in my life. And, Dan, continue being the awesome dad you are - every child should be so lucky.
Thats why I quit coaching high school bowling a year ago. I loved what I did, but to be afraid to turn your head away from the parents felt almost dangerous!
It lead me to make a decision I hated to make. I was willing to give up the sport "I" love to help kids and a few parents helped me decide to go back to what I love!
We had a 13 yr old who also had been the youngest at the time to throw a perfect 300 game. I believe he still is. But his dad would get on him everytime he would bowl. One day, this young man turned to me and said "dang coach, my dad showed up" mY heart sunk into my stomach for, he didn't even want his dad around to see his accomplishment! To me, that's the saddest story I ever experienced in my life. It felt worse than anything I ever went through as a child.
Thanks for posting this, b/c its happening all over the place like a disease!!!
Good luck to Noah on his soccer adventures. I spent years as a child working on my soccer game and make Team USA when I was 13. My mother told me after all the practice, and training, and making the teem, " your not going to Canada" or anywhere else to play. That ended my hunger for the game.
Please don't let that happen to Noah!!!!!!! :( Good Luck!
I grew up - blessedly - with parents like you. I also grew up with friends with parents like you describe though. I was a very competitive horse show-er for years and rember sitting in the ring, waiting for results and watching friends cry, knowing they were "gonna get it" from a parent when they got out of the ring because of a mistake they made. When they won, it was "about time" or something similar. Needless to say, those friends didn't find the joy in competition I was allowed to relish. Like you, my mom and dad always complimented other kids when they did well and encouraged them when they didn't and all I can hope is that some of those encouraging uplifting moments stuck with them.
My parents were the latter...the do it right next time folks...I have vowed that my son will never experience that kind of rejection. Because that's exactly what it is...rejection and it hurts deeply. I am proud of even his most insignificant accomplishment and so is his father...we both grew up with critical parents and have made a commitment to him and each other that he will only EVER see pride and love in our eyes for his accomplishments!
Oh my gosh.. "accident" remark brought tears to my eyes. How people can express such hatred (and yes, that's what it is) for their own children is beyond my comprehension. I'm no super-parent but Sheeesh!
My dad was utterly unimpressed when I got accepted into a graduate program, conducted research, and wrote my full manuscript. He was actually downright rude with his lack of interest and made me cry at the dinner table when I came home for a visit. He then explained that he didn't want me to think that my worth was tied up in accomplishments, and that I don't have to be the best, or more impressive than other people to have value.
@jillhill I'm sorry to hear that. I know how it hurts and that kind of hurt from someone we are so invested in can last a lifetime. Let go of it. Allow your friends and other loved ones to celebrate you. I don't even know you and I think you rock!
@jillhill I's funny. In a weird way, I can really relate to this. And I am kind of jealous. My parents believe EVERYTHING is tied up in accomplishments. Sometimes I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am as a person, and that's it. Interesting how we are being hurt on both sides of the argument.
@NatashaReeves@jillhill
For any parents reading this who are wondering just how you can be enthusiastic, supportive and still accept who your child is, here is something that might work:
Praise the 'be's instead of the 'do's. For example, if your child scores a goal, instead of saying "You scored a great goal! I'm proud of you" you could say "You worked REALLY hard to put that ball in the goal! I'm proud of you" or "You practised really hard to become this good, that shows great dedication and determination! I'm proud of you."
It's a small difference, but that small difference changes the focus of the accomplishment from the scoring of the goal, to the child's positive attributes.
'Things' accomplished aren't really important compared to the character traits shown or developed through the accomplishing of it.
@PaulineGates
The red pen story hurts the worst. The empowering thing about adult life is we realize that we were all born with a whiteboard. We had people while growing up write what we were on this board. One day, we realize that we have the dry erase marker- and the eraser! I have reinvented my whiteboard to depict what I value. And everyone else can take it or leave it! :)
@RuthStowers @NatashaReeves @jillhill
Oh my gosh. THIS. SO much. I know this is old but I had to post...
You just gave me a light bulb that was over 20 years coming. I could never figure out why my parents praising me never helped me feel good. They would have said they were very supportive. But now I realize that they put all the focus on what I did. They were so happy that I got all A's, I believed that I *had* to get A's or they wouldn't love me. Their overemphasis on my accomplishments cancelled out when they said that they would be "proud no matter what" and "didn't care what I did as long as I was happy." Even if that was somehow true, it was obvious (to me) they cared *more* when I did what they considered important and did it best. If you focus on the grade and not the hard work, don't be surprised if your kid ends up cheating, or just cracking under the pressure to succeed like I did.
When I said I wanted to be a writer, Dad was "concerned" that I wouldn't make enough money. I gave my mom a poem and she took out a red pen and started "correcting" it. I had to ask her to just read it and tell me how it made her feel. This is why good intentions pave the road to you know where.
As much as parents will hate to hear it, supporting your kids aren't enough - you need to be supporting them in the right way!
Dan, you should really do an article about this, focusing on the 'be's instead of the 'do's, I would definitely share it! It's just so important to give our kids the right kind of encouragement!
@RuthStowers@jillhill That's how I have always felt. We should be praised and appreciated for our character, for being human beings. For just being us. A "list" of achievements does not make a person.
@NatashaReeves@jillhill
Really interesting feedback ladies...thanks for helping me see it from different POV's
Parents do that at football games too! it makes me furious. love your children people!
This is just one of a few types of parents that deserve a smack upside the head. Another is the choosey parent. I actually ran into a perfect example of this last night. I am a divorced dad and was picking up my daughter from my ex, similar to you we get along pretty good most of the time. Anyways she was at a plaster painting place near we live and asked me to meet her there and pick up my daughter. I walked around the store twice with my daughter looking at the things she could pick out. She finally made her choice. Now "the choosey parent" came in with his family (wife, two daughters and son) and the son who I would say is around 8-10 went and picked something small and simple to paint. The dad told him to go pick something else out. No reason given just I dont like it go pick something else out. Under my breath I kept saying let the kid pick what he wants out not what you want.
Oh and another type is is the ones who go out for a fun/special day with their kids and either dont participate or control the kid. During the winter before my daughter was in school I would take her to Chucky Cheese restaurant. It has video games and rides and things for kids to do and run around. I have seen many parents who bring their kids around the 5-6 year age and sit down with a newspaper/book or some sort of computer (ipad) and pay more attention to that then to their kids. Or the kids want the parents to come and play and they wont because they are afraid of embarrising themselves. Me I have stiff necks and sore bones from the amount of times I have climbed through those play tubes because thats what my little one wanted...ok enough ranting. Maybe I should get my own blog.