Today I want to write about something that has bothered me for the better part of a decade. I’ve carved out no fewer than a dozen drafts of this post, all strangely unalike, all ultimately failing to accomplish the job I’ve set out to do. Truth is, I’ve been trying to write it off and on for more than a year now, and the right words have been seemingly impossible to come by.
In the end, and in order to post it, I guess I had to care more about the message than I do about potential backlash. I’m not being facetious when I say that I hope I can get this message across without offending… well… everybody.
What I really hope is that this post will spark and encourage poignant and worthwhile discussion that will lead to some poignant and worthwhile changes in the lives of at least a few people who are hurting.
That being said, I believe some strong words need to be said today.
“God hates fags.” We’ve all seen the signs being waved high in the air by members of the Westboro Baptist church. On TV. In real life. It’s hard not to take notice.
Over the years, I’ve watched seemingly never-ending disgustingness and hatred spill across the media airwaves from those who belong to the organization. For those who don’t know much about that “church,” they have made a seedy name for themselves by doing drastic things like picketing beneath atrocious signs and hosting flagrant anti-gay protests at military funerals.
Almost every person of nearly every religion has no problem loathing and condemning the Westboro Baptist Church and its members, and perhaps with reason. They take freedom of speech far beyond what our founding fathers intended when they fought to give us that right, and they laugh at the rest of the world while they do.
But today I don’t want to talk about those idiots. I want to talk about you. And me.
And my friend who I’ll call Jacob.
Jacob is 27 years old, and guess what… he’s gay.
Not a lot of people know. He lives in a community where being gay is still very “frowned upon.”
I was talking to him on the phone a few weeks ago, telling him about my failed attempts to write this post. He was trying to hold his emotions in, but he eventually became tearful as we deliberated the very problem that this post attempts to discuss.
Before I go on, I feel I must say something one time. Today’s post is not about homosexuality. It’s not about Christians. It’s not about religion. It’s not about politics. It’s about something else altogether. Something greater. Something simpler.
It’s about love.
It’s about kindness.
It’s about friendship
And love, kindness, and friendship are three things that Jacob hasn’t felt in a long time.
I’m thankful he gave me permission to share our conversation with you. It went something like this.
“Jacob, I honestly don’t know how to write it,” I said. “I know what I want to get across, but I can never find the right words.”
“Dan, you need to write it. Don’t give up. I’m telling you, it needs to be said.”
I paused. “You don’t understand. It’s too heated a subject. It’s something people are very emotional and touchy about. I’d be lynched.”
My friend hesitated. “Dan, you are the only friend I have that knows I’m gay. The only freaking one,” he said.
“What do you mean? I know you’ve told other friends.”
That’s when his voice cracked. He began crying.
“Every single person I’ve told has ditched me. They just disappear. They stop calling. They remove me on Facebook. They’re just gone,” he said. “They can’t handle knowing and being friends with a gay person.”
I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything.
“You don’t know what it’s like, man. You don’t know what it’s like to live here and be gay. You don’t know what it’s like to have freaking nobody. You don’t know what it’s like to have your own parents hate you and try and cover up your existence. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this. And I’m so tired of people hating me for it. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.”
How do you respond to that?
I wanted to tell him it was all in his head. I knew it wasn’t. I wanted to tell him it would get better and easier. The words would have been hollow and without conviction, and I knew it.
You see, I live in this community too. And I’ve heard the hate. I’ve heard the disgust. I’ve heard the disdain. I’ve heard the gossip. I’ve heard the distrust. I’ve heard the anger. I’ve heard it all, and I’ve heard it tucked and disguised neatly beneath a wrapper of self-righteousness and a blanket of “caring” or “religious” words. I’ve heard it more times than I care to number.
About gay people.
About people who dress differently.
About people who act differently.
About fat people.
About people with drug addictions.
About people who smoke.
About people with addictions to alcohol.
About people with eating disorders.
About people who fall away from their faiths.
About people who aren’t members of the dominant local religion.
About people who have non-traditional piercings.
About people who just look at you or me the wrong way.
I’ve heard it, and I’ve heard it over, and over, and over again.
Hell, in the past (and to some degree in the present) I participated in it. I propagated it. I smugly took part in it. I’ll admit that.
And I did so under the blanketing term “Christian.” I did so believing that my actions were somehow justified because of my beliefs at the time. I did so, actually believing that such appointments were done out of… love.
Hi. I'm from Australia. I just stumbled across your site. (Was looking up images of the hanging naked man orchids) I am just blown away by this post. You nail it. I am something of a prodigal daughter to Christianity and I am *really struggling* because of these very attitudes you talk about.I mean to the point of my stomach cburning and heart in pain , feeling like I'm going mad at times trying to process the schizoid mixed messages in the church. And in myself. I don't want to give up that call I feel so deeply to return to Christ but I just can not accept so much bullshit I'm hearing coming from some quarters. God's love has got to be much, much , much bigger and much, much, much deeper than that. Thank you.
Wow! Beautiful. Thank you so much. Excellent job! I am of no religion and I have nothing but love inside. I have had to end some lifelong friendships because they were too Christian for my taste!
This is hard to do. I've done it, and continue to; but it IS hard. I'm not Christian, I actually try to live my public life fairly atheistically (mostly to avoid leveraging the most private of relationships for public gain of any kind), and it's hard to ignore when someone thinks you are valued on the assumption of similarity. I've experienced parallax shift between seen and invisible difference, and it's weird when people realize, and start treating you differently. I appreciate your call to inclusive arms, and appreciate the integrity of faith that provoked it.
Thank you for this! I was raised in a very strict Protestant upbringing and as an adult I converted to the Catholic faith. I also have not one gay son...but TWO gay sons! I love them both...I don't care that they are gay...it doesn't change who they are!! I also thank God for bringing some gay friends into my life BEFORE I found out my boys are gay. They taught me a lot about my personal Christian beliefs and how I can say - "God loves everyone...but you - gay man!" That is so beyond wrong. Besides - how does one hate what is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. This needs to be read by everyone who claims to love their faith and yet hate another human.
@DeeDeeDeeB Agreed! How anyone can claim to love Christ yet hate is beyond me as well !
Much love to you and your family
til I saw the paycheck four $8108 , I be certain that my mother in law was like trully bringing home money in there spare time from there labtop. . there uncle haz done this for only twenty two months and recently cleared the dept on their home and bourt a brand new Volkswagen Golf GTI . pop over here
@Kaatje Van der Zee YES !! Same to you.. May this year be filled with peace and equality !
Just wanted to give everyone a chance to sign. This is completely outrageous and must be stopped. Please open the link and sign.
Love IS Louder..
Excellent post. You remind us that it is not about the "religion" but about the faith and life we lead. Christ did his ministry not in the synagogue but in the streets and gathering places of the tax collectors and prostitutes. That is where we should be sharing his love.
It is about time that discrimination of any kind stop. It was good to see the Pope make the comment regarding gay people, "Who am I to judge?" But so many within a denomination or otherwise still not only shun gays and others but outright attack them. It doesn't matter what religion someone is, each religion and ethnic group as well has its haters. It makes it tough to function, to live, to love. Dating as a gay person is made easier by going to a place that reviews sites so that choosing a mate is easier than it would otherwise be. A site like: http://gayboyz.com/. Christian say they are "Christian," but they act another way at times if someone doesn't fit into what they feel is correct. No matter what Jesus or Buddha says. Too bad, too. Good luck to all the Jacobs and others like him who just want to be treated like everyone else, in a good way.
@Ono It certainly is a tough job, some days tougher than others!