The Benefits of Hating Yourself

I just started reading your Blog today, and I admit that I saw a lot of myself in this. Over the last year I've dealt with a mental state where simply seeing other people enjoying themselves made me angry, because I could not understand why other people could and I couldn't. It's a nice emotional release to see someone so sufficiently sum those terrible feelings up in words. Thank You.

I have felt this way in the past, and still sometimes feel this way... more so when I used to truly loathe myself. I think the saying "what you dislike in others is a reflection of what you dislike in yourself" is so true. I used to resist the truth in that statement, and try to find falsities in the parallels between people I found to be repulsive and myself. When I finally got to a point where I was able to be honest with myself about my faults (and my strengths), was I able to see what I was doing was harming me and my social relationships more than it was harming anyone else. Your article "I'm Christian... Unless Your Gay," was a huge reminder for me to ask myself 'why do I dislike that person I'm judging in my mind right now?' 'why do I feel the need to put that girl and her outfit down [in my thoughts]?' Is it jealousy? Do I think I'm better than these people? No, and definitely no. My low self-esteem and uncertainty of self, desire FOR confidence, and fear of ego was all deterring me from having an honest relationship with myself. Once I got past that (it's something I have to work on DAILY), I'm able to work on being happier, not putting others down in my head, not feeling that unnecessary negativity towards others, and trying to overcome my snap judgments to feel more love and less hate of others and myself! Whoa! What a rambled mess. I love your blogs so much.

My biggest insecurity has always been about my body. It's a big problem for me for many different reason starting when I was very little. I was molested when I was about 5, and then my mom chose loser boyfriends who were (probably) sexually abusive with me and always told me that she hated me because I was prettier than she was. Always commenting on my body, one of them would always grab my thigh under the table at dinner and smack my butt and call me "moose". Then when I got married my husband began messaging his ex's and comparing me to them.

We've worked through that, but it still has left insecurities in me that on occasion take over. I see beautiful, "perfect" women and hate them for their "perfection"/hate myself for not being perfect. Especially now that I've had kids; the little extra stomach skin, stretch marks... Sometimes I just feel disgusting. However, I've been working really hard on loving myself for the last ten/eleven months and I actually have been able to go back to feeling sexy and beautiful more often than not. It's, for me, a state of mind. Whenever I feel gross about myself I remind myself of three things:

1) God made me perfect in his eyes

2) I selflessly sacrificed my body to bring two amazing boys into this world which is the ultimate act of femininity, which is a feat not many people are proud of anymore.

3) I am amazing.

your friend's phrase is perfect. 'self-hate is false humility'. i would add 'which is really pride'. which kills me because i think of myself as humble...haha. self-hate is an indulgence. it's like the ancient religious urges of self-mortification and the modern practices of cutting and maybe (i.m.o.) eating disorders; enduring pain makes us more worthy/noble. thoughts?

It is so brave of you to put words to what so many people suffer with. I have "slashed" myself for many years over all the horrible things that I created in my life. It eventually led me to destroy my marriage and family. I have excuses.... doesn't everyone? I had a very good friend tell me that self-hate was really false humility. By saying we can't be forgiven, or deserving more damages, we are telling GOD he is not big enough to save us. I try to remember that thought when I think about how awful I am.

Thank you for sharing!

Powerful! Dear Dan, After spending months reading your blog, I have no doubt whatsoever that God put you exactly where you are at, to be exactly who you are for such a time as this.Our ability to love ourselves, and consequently others, is to be found in the measure with which we understand and accept that God loves us. When one understands the enormity and immenseness that is God's love for YOU, then one begins to know how to love; both oneself and then others.

I read your post, and it got me to thinking. As a general rule, I don't share my personal journals because -- well -- they're personal. A few months ago, I wrote something in my journal that I think applies to this topic. Anyway, here goes ...

There are times, when I really hate being me. I often wonder how life would have been if I hadn’t had the childhood I did. My daughter is a wonderful young woman, in college, and headed for a life that I will never have. She told me about a study that was done with Kindergarten children in the 60s, I think it was. The teacher told the class that the children with “blue eyes” were more special, smarter and better than the other children. The non blue-eyed children were not as smart, they were less than special, and a host of other negative phrases. Within a very short period of time, the children believed it and lived it.

The blue-eyed children did better on tests and other assignments, without any additional help. The non blue-eyed children did worse, with the same instructions and teachings from the same teacher. It makes me think of my own childhood, where I was told some very untrue things that I came to believe because people in a position of authority said they were true. Like math and science teachers that exclaimed: “I don’t know why they put girls in my classes. Girls are too stupid to understand what I’m teaching them. They should take home-ec or something.” Consequently, my two poorest subjects in school were math and science. Fate or something else?

What if my mother hadn’t emotionally battered me my entire life? Where I wasn’t good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough. Would I be a different person if she hadn’t said those things? What if my step-fathers hadn’t been complete @$$holes? What if one hadn’t shown us that a woman could be beaten unconscious, or if another one hadn’t thought it was necessary to “teach” me things that no child should know. What if my own father hadn’t walked away until I was old enough to stand-up for myself?

What if I hadn’t witnessed the warped relationship between my grandparents, where my grandmother was subservient to my grandfather even when he was completely bed-ridden after a stroke? I listened to him talk, spewing his hatred for everyone and everything that wasn’t just like him. What if I hadn’t witnessed that?

Sometimes, I hate being me.

This was somewhat hard to read & actually think about... largely because I recognize in your character so much of who I used to be.

Understanding, empathy, & not judging others takes work for most people because we are trained to do the exact opposite.

I had to go through many many roles & come to the realization that no matter what I had looked like, what my economic status was, what clothes I wore, how much I weighed, etc... I was the same person. I wasn't fundamentally different when I was heavier or skinnier, sort of well-off or dirt poor. I was me. I was a person. And so is everyone else. Realizing that opened up the world to me in a completely different way; it allowed me to see *people*.

For me, the process of getting rid of that judgement & negativity was integral to not hating myself- but it came first. I had to understand others & allow them to be who they were without judging them before I was able to begin doing the same for myself. I had to ask myself "Why is it okay for Jim to do that, but not okay for you? You are no better than him (anyone), so there shouldn't be any double standard there."

I'm trying to see what you mean by a benefit, but I've not been able to come up with one; I only see benefits for *realizing* you're hating yourself/others, not for actually doing it in the first place. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

There's no value in hating myself, but still I do. Why?

Somehow during my life I received the message that validation from others is very important. Unfortunately I live in a situation where I find neither validation from my husband, nor at work, the two places I spend most of my time. I can't change neither of those situations right now. And even though in general I do a lot better than I used to there are still the really bad days. Today is one of them. Today I don't see all the good things I have or the beautiful person I am, I just see the bad and I hate myself... I'm that pathetic insecure person today...

I've been working on upping my self-worth for almost 3 years now. I have started to see the true me shining throught. But it's a tough battle to undo the messages I have received in the past and replace them for possitive ones. Today I've failed misserably, I will try again tomorrow. Thanks for your post, Dan...

Our beliefs about ourselves are so hard to change when we have been functioning within their limitations for so long, it takes some seriously deep rooted pain to establish a stong belief that you are unloveable. My own rejection expectations manifest themselves in a more subtle way than yours. I protect rather than project my insecurities. Having spent years introverted and not allowing others to know me for fear of rejection, I am now far more confident...but often just as lonely. Still fighting the urge to protect myself and avoid vulnerability, I know that sometimes I am selective with what I share...maybe this comes across as ingenuine? My occassional attempts at being open are also often too brash and frank and somewhat intimidating and confusing. (Is there any wonder I don't get invited to many social events...or just for a casual cuppa and a chat for that matter!) The grace of god has been my salvation. Although I am a work in progress and my negative self beliefs are still present to some extent, they are now more like stubborn memories rather than actual beliefs and the rejection expectation is slowly fading. I know that with patience and faith, the long established negative beliefs will gradually be worn away until I am a shining beacon of his love and functioning to the maximum of my potential.

I have let my phone go to voice mail because I know who is calling. I've picked up my mobile and checked texts as a (rude) hint to go away to the boring person in the doorway of my office. I've avoided eye contact so as to deter an unwanted invite to converse. I try not to demean fat Lucy's (I was one until Weight Watchers saved me - ha!), however I confess I sometimes look down on those who can't control themselves... who are annoying... who aren't quite "smart"... who drain me of energy...

But now and again my high horse stumbles and I'm reminded to get off it and walk - sometimes it's just a quiet inner voice telling me not to be such a bitch... but especially when someone puts a big ass rock in the form of a blog post in the way that reminds me hating on people is just hating on myself.

i believe you've described every "nice guy" i've ever dated. the only benefit i can see to hating oneself, is the realization that comes when you decide you can't do it anymore. i think it's a part of the human process. we're trained to self depricate, in the hopes of this motivating us to reach our full potential. how cool would it be if we let all the external "motivators" go and realize that we were born with everything we need, but were taught to ignore it? that we already posess the ability to be whatever we want, to have whatever we want? it'd be a whole new world. and yes, i sang that like jasmine. :/

I gotta' say, I've spent most of my childhood as fat Lucy, or one of the other characters you listed that were less than appealing. It never took me very long to see what people actually thought of me, regardless of what their words indicated. Growing up as an outcast is a lonely, depressing road. You start to believe the lies that people feed you. You start to buy into the idea that no matter what you do, you will never be of worth to anything or anyone.

I still remember the moment that it dawned on me that as hard as it was to fathom, there's usually someone who feels much worse than what you do. It was at that moment that I decided that I would be a friend, no matter what, to my fellow misfits and outcasts. I'm not always great at it, but it's a rule I still try to live by today.

The world would be a better place if we'd all open our eyes and stop hating others for the things that make us different from one another.

Dan,

This is a book you need to write and publish. I want to hear more and find out how hate gets traded for love and happiness.

There is no benefit to hating yourself. As your post so succinctly illustrates, it only warps your perception of others. You are AMAZING Dan. A gift from God to the world. And so is every one of your readers. Some of them just don't know it yet.

I remember that person. I was her. Then I met a freaking awesome guy (that I never actually met in person) who taught me to value myself. I cannot wait to read the revelation on how you changed your views.

LOL I"m still fat, but who cares? I do my best to eat healthy & stay active. It's not WHO I am anymore... I'm the awesome girl... who happens to be fat ;-)

One of my favorite quotes is this, by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It's so crazy that instead of choosing to believe that - that YOU (yes, you!) are a talented, creative, brilliant human being with infinite potential - so many people choose to try to "feel better" by putting others down. Of course it's self-defeating because you never like yourself more that way, you only come to despise everyone around you and yourself most of all.

Why not, instead, go through life respecting and loving EVERY person - including yourself - as "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Maybe it's easier, less work to say: "I can't do it. I have no talent. I'm ugly." It's also less frightening to remain in the little box of hating ourselves - small, boring, but familiar and reliable. Who knows what might be asked of us if we were to venture outside? Maybe we would decide to write a novel, begin a new relationship, apply to a challenging new job, run a marathon, learn how to do graphic design (like I did this week!)...

For anyone reading this comment (and who recognizes themselves in this post) I HIGHLY recommend "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. Really it would be subtitled "A course in learning how to love yourself and discover your own potential." NOT just for "artists" - for everyone, because every human being is creative.