It was 12:32 AM. I was over at Mike and Meryn’s house having fun late into the night, talking about cosmetic surgeries, overly disturbing movies that never should have been made, and the oddities that sometimes are our kids.
It’s an almost weekly ritual.
What’s not a weekly ritual is my phone ringing at such a late hour. When that happens, you can almost bank on something being wrong, somewhere. This night was no different. My pocket started buzzing and before I even pulled it out, I somehow knew that it was Noah’s mom and that something was wrong with our little guy.
Sure enough, Andrea’s name blared across the caller ID, and I immediately bolted from the room to see what was wrong.
Noah had been suffering from a nasty chest cold, and had been fighting off the virus for nearly two weeks. Things seemed to be getting better. At least until I got the phone call. The first words out of Andrea’s mouth were “we’re taking Noah to the emergency room.”
In my head I started thinking about my little boy on the brink of death. My adrenaline started racing. I started strapping on my shoes before she could even tell me what was wrong.
He had been coughing and couldn’t stop and then his nose started bleeding. Unable to contain it, they had already left their house and were headed to the hospital.
I left Mike and Meryn in a cloud of dust, and went triple the speed limit to the hospital which was only 18 minutes away though it seemed more like an hour.
I burst through the doors like a soccer mom on steroids, and I said “my little boy is already here! Where is he?!”
The front desk lady pointed me into a check-in room just around the corner, and when I walked in, this is what I saw.
That’s Chappy. Noah’s step-dad. Holding my kid.
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What a beautiful post. Noah is one lucky little boy to have 2 dads who love him so unconditionally. He is also so lucky that he won't ever have to feel the pain and hurt of feeling like he has to CHOOSE between the two of you. You are a good dad!
What a blessing! My oldest stepson is 8 & I wish he looked at me that way. He loathes me & my daughter. His mom encourages his behavior and treatment of me. It's really hard on all of us. I wish his mom & stepdad would co-parent even half as well. Your son is lucky to have so many people in his life that care. I will just care from a distance and feel sad for my stepson who it will affect most of all.
And THAT is what co-parenting *should* be. What I wouldn't give for even one other adult like that in my daughter's life. (Her bio-father has been disinterested from day one and I have chosen not to date. I'm it, 24/7/365)
we have a wonderful family situation...most of the time. we have 4 really, really (REALLY) involved grandparents. its taken me MUCH longer then you to figure out that in these moments it is something to celebrate, even though, deep down i want to snatch up my baby boy and hold him. im selfish and human like that.
Wow! I wish I had the same feeling towards my childrens step mother. I wish she was this comforting I would celebrate it too!
You all are extremely blessed to have everyone that loves and only wants the best for Noah. Unfortunately, it's not always that way and it's the child that suffers. No matter how bad your emotions wanted to take over, I applaud you for being mature enough to keep the peace and let Noah feel the love from everyone.After my divorce and my children were little and I started dating again, I sat my children down and told them my new guy wasn't going to replace their dad, he's just another person in their life to love them. Who wouldn't want more love right!
Thank you for encouraging dad's out there - dads, and step-dads, and grand-dads, and uncle-dads, and stand-ins, for seeing love for what it is; simple, open, generous, accepting. Totally digging your blog - single mom style - with a love for writing as well.
You both sound like awesome dads, he is so lucky to have you both.
This is such a touching post. I lost my step dad almost 3 years ago. I did not realize that, although I loved him, that I loved him as much as my biological Dad too. At his funeral my Father stood up and said "I couldnt have picked a better man to take care of my daughter when I couldnt be there. I am very lucky she had 2 Dads" and I already think my Dad is the best one on Earth, but that was one of those moments where you know that your Dad is a real life superhero who would do anything for his kids, even when that means sharing them with other people.
I love this and all your other posts, While I don't have any children, I placed a baby girl for adoption, there is not doubt that her mom is her mom but I am so grateful that she allows me to love her and hold her once in a while too, that's what this made me think of
This brought tears to my eyes, thank you. I am very blessed to be a step mom and to have a mom in my child's life that allows me to be one.
Wow. Just wow. I have been a step-parent (twice). This was a true gift you gave to someone who knows they can never have your special place in your child's heart. Choked me up. It seems rare to see examples of folks who truly know how to put their child's welfare at the top of the priority list. Well done.
Wow. Good for you brother. Focusing on the kid and his needs, having the guts not to make it about you - inspirational.
This was so sweet to read. How amazing that you can realize his step-dad IS his dad, too. I'm sure it hasn't been easy, but it is sweet.
I wish my exhusband could understand this. He gets angry when Annyka refers to my significant other (whom we've lived with since she was 4 yo) as her "other dad." It's not meant as an insult. I've tried to make sure she understands how lucky she is to have extra people who care for her, but he just doesn't see it the same way.
I am really grateful that my two kids have a wonderful parenting team of four adults - myself and their step-dad, and their dad and his fiancee. They have so much love to offer, kids do, and it's beautiful when they're allowed to offer it freely and not worry that they're hurting someone. Love shouldn't be a painful thing, and I love seeing them be happy with any of us. I know they love Aaron as much as they love me, or their dad, and he plays just as important a role in their lives. I imagine it is the same with Janet, or if that bond needs a little longer to build, that's okay too and it will, in time. This post warmed me, because I know in my heart that kids love and love and love, and teaching them that it's ok is amazing.
I am a 'step-mom'. Technically that's the term. I met a woman who had 3 kids. Three beautiful, incredible girls. They have their issues, yes, but they are amazing. We dated, we moved in together and a few months later, I lost my job. So, just in time for summer, I became a stay-at-home mom. And that summer, I taught 2 out of 3 of them to swim (and the third one became a better swimmer) in our apt. complex pool & then I took them to the community pool where I had to argue about whether or not their mother & I and the kids constituted a 'family' for purposes of buying a family pass, and 2 of them took their first jumps off of the diving boards. These 3 little girls, 7, 8 & 12 when I first met them, are now 10, 11 & 15. After a car accident on the way home from a float trip with the oldest and youngest (the middle child, who has Aspergers, was concerned about the possibility of large spider webs across the river and elected to stay with her dad for the weekend instead), I realized that this was my family and so, I proposed & we all trooped to Iowa a couple of months later (including their dad, who asked to come) and their mother and I got married. 6 months later, I came home from a study group to find that their mother had packed them up and left, driving half-way across the country to be with an ex-girlfriend. I learned that she was NOT who she pretended to be at all and that she was much more emotionally unstable than I'd ever guessed. Because she couldn't justify running out on our marriage to hook-up with an old girlfriend, she told everyone that she left b/c the kids were afraid of me. The same kids who spent the previous week on spring break coming up to me randomly & giving me hugs & saying, "Meredith, I love you." The same kids who begged me to chaperone their school trips, who literally threw themselves at me on roller skates, knowing that I wouldn't let them fall. The same kids who were bouncing to see what I thought of the christmas present 'they' got me-a mug with pictures of them that says, "We love you Mamma Meredith". And so, no matter what ANYONE says-their mom, the courts or anyone else-they ARE my kids, they always will be and I couldn't love them more if I HAD given birth to them. I'd do anything for them, to protect them, to help them, and to let them know that I'll always love them. And I'll always hope that my time with them has given them tools to help them in life & that they'll smile & think of me whenever they go swimming.
@Meredith McLaughlin How heart broken you must have felt. How cruel of your wife! I hope 1 day these children come find you and they understand what she did was wrong. <3
i, like some others here, have had a similar situation but ... not. :) my daughter is not my "birth daughter". she is biologically my neice. my boyfriend lives with us and together... we are a family. he's so crazy about her! the other day she was in trouble and had been sent to her room. he went in to talk to her about it and I heard him whisper in her ears "I'm so glad you're my daughter". I almost cried. but that isn't the part where I relate. there is not really any competition or anything because, together, we serve as mother and father. it's from her birth mom, my sister. last year, she came down for our daughter's birthday party and met her friends and her "Nashville" family (my boyfriend's sister and her kids). at one of our next visitations, she told me that as soon as we had the money, she wanted me to go through with the adoption proceedures. she said she knew she loved our daughter and could give her a home but she ALSO knew WE loved her and had already given her a home. for the first time ever, she wasn't threatened by our connection. what a blessing to know these children are so very very loved!
very informative details and very useful post. Thanks for share with friends.
Now that's a dad who knows how to be a step-parent. Done right, step-parenting extends the family, contributing to an amazing experience for the kids. Done wrong... we've all heard the horror stories of drama and emotional damage done to kids and adults alike.
It's wonderful that all the adults in your extended family are so grown up and have their priorities straight when it comes to Noah :)
Maybe it's because I've spent the last two months only seeing my 2-year-old daughter on weekends. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant. It certainly isn't because I can relate - I'm still married to Little Miss' dad, and the only times I've ever had to refrain from taking my daughter from someone else's comforting arms was when Daddy was closer to her when she fell than I was.
Whatever it is...this post made me cry. I just recently found your blog so I'm not really versed in your situation and the history you have with Noah's mom and step-dad. But the fact that you were open-minded, wise, and loving enough to recognize, no less OPENLY ADMIT that your son's step-dad is as much a dad to him as you are really touched me.
It takes a lot of confidence, courage, selflessness, and certainly LOVE to write something like this, and I honestly had tear-streaks on my cheeks while I read this. Thank you for giving me a warm, fuzzy feeling today.
Merry Christmas, Dan.
PS - I hope Noah is better now. :)
I read this post a few minutes after it came out, and I left one of the earlier comments. There has been something nagging at me about this ever since. As I've read each response that comes to my email, I was hoping that someone else would put their finger on it, and my mind could rest. I was thinking about what Noah gains from you having this awareness. It finally came to me as I looked back here at his picture ... Noah has learned that he can trust something bigger than people. Call it God, Love, the Power of the Universe, whatever you want ... but I think that's what the child gets out of the situation when the parent sets his or her own selfishness aside and puts the child's needs first. The child learns to trust God. Cool stuff Dan!
I've had a similar situation, but at the same time, opposite? Lol. My mom passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago from cancer that had gone undiagnosed for at least a year. Recently my dad has gotten engaged to this wonderful woman that I adore, but it is still an incredibly hard time for me. My parents had been high school sweethearts and been married for 26 years when my mother passed.
Last week my dad was in the hospital with chest pains (and the fear of becoming an orphan, even as a young adult, is still terrifying) and when I got to his room in the er, there was really nothing for me to do. Sheri had it under control, and her touch and her voice did more to relax him and make him smile than he has in years.
I loved reading this! Noah is one luck child to have so much love in his life! Divorce can be brutally difficult on children, and it is heart-warming to see how step parents open their hearts to step-children in such an all-inclusive way.
Our society traditionally sees the step-parent as the protagonist in family relationships. But it truly doesn't have to be that way! Just because two people who have children cannot live together any more, doesn't mean that there cannot be mutual respect and love in order to give the child exactly what he or she needs.
My own divorce was amicable and there is mutual love and respect between my children and their step-parents - and between all the parents themselves. You will always have children in common for as long as you live. It is critical to figure out how to live peacefully after a divorce so that the contention and conflict doesn't affect the kids.
Congratulations, Dan! Job exceptionally well done. :)
I understand the sentiment and it is a very mature way to view the situation. I am and have been dealing with the same exact situation for some time. My only comment would be that no step parent will ever love a son or daughter as much as their actual parent. I don't care who, what, where or how. They can be the absolute best persons in the world. They may even be better at ceartain parenting skills, or have a unique perspective or specoal skill set that the parent (father) in my case does not. They may be a wonderful influence and great addittion to the life of the child HOWEVER they will never ever love the same way. They may love and even sacrifice but they cannot and will not understand the take me instead or throw yourself in front of a bullet for kind of love a parent has for his own. Great article and good sentiment but the loves are profoundly different!!
@ChrisWilliamson HI IM MELISSA AND MY SONS DAD WALKED OUT WHEN HE WAS 7 HOURS OLD AND NOW 6 YEARS LATER HE WANTS TO START SEEING HIM HE TRYED KILLING HIM AM I A BAD MUM IF I CHOOSE FOR MY EX TO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SON
@ChrisWilliamson I agree with you, whether by birth or adoption, there is something special about a parents' love.
While as a single mom of a 4 year old little boy, understand your feelings (the thought that someone else could love my son as much as I do is hard to believe), but as a "step-parent" I have to disagree as well. I am for all intents and purposes a "step-parent", I have been for 10 years. They are now 15 and 17 and they are my WORLD, my EVERYTHING. I have done and will continue to do ANYTHING for them and be there for them whenever they need me until the day I die. I love them more than life itself and I WOULD throw myself in front of a bullet for them, go to the ends of the earth if it meant they wouldn't hurt. They know that I would be there for them just as much as their bio mom will be. I am there more for them than my ex-husband is. I honestly believe that a step-parent can love a step-child just as much as their own children. I hope that if you have the opportunity to have more people love and care for your children as much as you do, that you will allow that to happen and be confident in the fact that your children love you because you are their parent, nothing will ever change that. Please look at it as an chance to give your children an opportunity that not a lot of kids have...to have so many people loving on them that they don't know what to do with all the love and to know that they will always have someone there by their side that loves them no matter what.
@ChrisWilliamson I disagree. My son was adopted at 14 months old from foster care. I love him just as much as my bio daughter. Trust me when I say you can fall in love and hard with a child, it doesn't take long or much. :)
@MelissaOrange
:) back atcha Melissa. Maybe I will feel differently on the other side of my own personal situation.
I wholeheartedly disagree. My stepfather has loved, sacrficed, and provided for me since I was 3 years old. He was at my high school graduation and he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. There is not a doubt in my mind that he would lay down his life for me in a split second. Did you know Noah was adpoted by Dan, and therefore not "his own" by your definition??? I think his blog has demonstrated on a daily basis that a child does not have to come from your sperm/egg in order for you to love them with your entire being.
@LucySkyDiamonds
I'll reflect on your comments. I could be biased from my own experiences in dealing with a similar situation. Thanks for the response.
@ChrisWilliamson @LucySkyDiamonds A very mature response, Chris! :)
this was beautiful!!
I was just writing about things such as this. It's so great to see another parent who actually "gets" it. Thank you! http://harleysmusings.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/children-of-divorced-parents/
I'm so glad to read such maturity among Step families. :)
Our kids are the luckiest. Yours has two dads and mine has 2 moms. I could not have asked for a better stepmom for my daughter. Stepmom has stepped aside when I arrived and I do the same for her. Awesome moment for you! I hope he gets well soon
Growing up I had 2 Mom's (Judy & Betty) and 2 Dad's (John & Paul), all very supportive and awesome people for the most part, and I was fortunate! (8 Grandparents, and whole load of countless family members)
At least until I came out. Then everything changed. Many choices made by many people, effected a whole lot of relationships and reshaped my whole world. (None of these choices were my own.) All I could do was move forward, and live my life. I never look back with regret and always look ahead to the future. They did their best in my formative years, and for that I am grateful, it has shaped me into the man I am today, and I am STRONG. ☮ ♥ ♋ ツ ♫ ☯
Showing Noah this same love will make him strong, even if none of you are there for him when he is older, and it's important he can survive and thrive without you.
How absolutely wonderful! For both you and Noah...to have that comfort. That reassurance. That trust!
I agree wholeheartedly! :)
I find it interesting that often parents have a hard time with this when it's an ex's new spouse (kudos to you for being able to get past that!) but would be fine with their child being comforted on the playground by a teacher if they skinned their knee or something. Like really, what's the big difference??
No man carries within his chest a heart so large than the man who loves as a father.
If that is the only love I would ever know, It is enough for a lifetime.
wish more dad's would get on bored with that statement for real !!
The photo brought tears to my eyes. On the one hand, it made me hurt for you. But on the other, I think it's wonderful that you realize the blessing of having more than one Dad in Noah's life. Kids need more, not fewer, people who love and comfort and protect them.
I have to admit that I have a love/hate relationship with your blog. However this post is outstanding. Thank you fir sharing this
I'll be honest - I don't know that I would have reacted that way. My son's step mother is a good woman but I would expect her to allow me to comfort my child once I arrived. I don't doubt her love for him, or his for her - but that is my son. That may sound selfish, but I endured 7 years of heartache trying to conceive. He is my miracle..
That was beautiful. I'm sorry Noah had to go through it all, but I appreciate the beauty that came out of his ordeal.
This is an incredible attitude and not a very easy one to have. I think most of us are selfish to a certain extent and worry that there isn’t enough love to go around. I don’t think I would do very well walking in and seeing my child hurting and in pain and not being the one holding and comforting him. You are truly amazing!
I would add one dynamic as well. Although I don’t know your situation, I do know that the vast majority of first parents (birth parents) have this same love for their children that your son’s step-dad has and would love to be included in the mix. Just as you have said here that Noah loves his step-dad and his step-dad loves him, there is a whole other extended family out there that loves him as well, and seriously how can it be a bad thing to have even more people love your kid?
@m3lbblog loved that. That little boy will grow up very, very loved!
@yvonnejessome I know! Loved it so much.