Today’s post is a bit on the longer side. Forgive me for that, and I hope you’ll read to the end as it’s an important message I don’t think can be summed up to a few paragraphs.
Anyway, the post, I’m Christian, unless you’re gay has now been viewed more than 2.5 million times. More than eight thousand comments and emails have rolled in since I published it. It’s been up for a little more than a month.
And to be honest, I have to shake my head because, as well-received as it has been, and as beautiful as many of those comments are, a great number of the people who have read it really don’t get it.
And I guess that’s my fault. I guess in the end, it is my writing that came up short.
It was a difficult post to write and an even more difficult post to publish. It’s not so much that I worried about recoil; it’s that I had a message of love that I was desperate to distribute. And believe me. It was not lost on this blogger that if I did it incorrectly, love would be the last thing anybody would be focusing on.
And though I failed for some readers, I believe I almost wrote the piece I set out to finish. I believe I nearly hit the mark. Still, there have been many moments along the way that whisper to me, you could have done better. And, there’s a lot more to the puzzle, Mr. Pearce.
Sadly, there were a lot of comments which claimed to be supporting my original post while simultaneously preaching a gospel of discord and intolerance toward entire groups of people on all sides of the equation, particularly the groups of people inside and outside of religion.
I really wish I could believe that such a mentality was exclusive to a few random wanderers stopping by my pages. But it’s not. I’ve seen it plenty of times in my own life and I’ve seen it plenty of times in my own travels.
As I’ve mentioned before, I am not gay. I am also not religious.
And, you should know me well enough now to know that I’m not anti-gay. You should also know me well enough to know that I am not pro-religion. But I wonder if you know me well enough to know that I am also not anti-religion. Or that I am not pro-gay.
You see, to be any of these things goes against the very core of my original message. To be any of these things puts me in that place where I can so easily trade out the mandate to love my fellow man with my own inane need to judge my fellow man and thereby declare myself better than my fellow man.
And in reality, it’s not any of us being these things that is the problem. It’s the entire concept of seeing these things to begin with.
It’s seeing a person’s weight before we ever see the person.
It’s seeing a person’s apparel before we ever see the person.
It’s seeing a person’s sexual orientation before we ever see the person.
It’s seeing a person’s wealth or poverty, the color of a person’s skin, or a person’s profession before we ever see the person.
Now, this isn’t to say that seeing our differences is unhealthy. On the contrary. Our countless differences should be celebrated and appreciated. Rather, it’s to say that our differences shouldn’t be the first thing we process any time another person enters our gaze.
Impossible, you say?
Maybe.
Hopefully not.
The more amount of life I put behind me, the more convinced I am that the reason we have all trained ourselves to first see these things is so that we can each quickly and authoritatively gauge how we ourselves are better or worse than others. We do it because we need to see and measure how exactly we stack-up next to every other person who meanders across our paths.
For some reason, we each innately believe that every person on this earth must be either better than us, or worse than us.
The sad truth is, “equality” is nothing but an unfriendly mirage to the majority of us. It is a fantasy that we all say we believe in and we say that we want, yet few of us actually seek it as a viable reality.
Sure, we would all love if there was nobody on this earth that was better than we were.
Right?
Not really.
Not if you think about it.
Continued on next page.
I agree with you, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Condemning someone immediately based on something that is arbitrary to their character is a terrible thing to do. If all people were the same, I would agree completely, but there are people who are inherently bad - and this has nothing to do with religion, culture, race, beliefs, appearance, gender, sexuality or anything else you can nitpick. Thankfully, the vast majority of people people do not fit in to this category, which is why I am able to trust and even love most people right away; but if you have ever had the "pleasure" of meeting someone who is inherently bad, you would understand why I would not be so quick to give my love, something I cherish, to someone so undeserving of it.
I knew one such person. His first impression was worthy of an Oscar, and because of that I made the mistake of being his roommate. Each subsequent impression was damning. He often bragged about the many ways in which he had abused people from his past and was far too happy to tell about the permanently damaging impact he had on them - this was his way of impressing his peers. He didn't hurt the people around him because it was the only way he learned how to treat people, he did it because it gave him pleasure and sometimes he even found it funny. I made the "mistake" of asking him to help out more around the house and to take responsibility for his behaviour, and he lashed out at me so unbelievably hard that he made people from my past who nearly drove me to suicide look like saints.
I firmly believe that every picture tells a story. His picture tells his future, not his past like most people, and I feel the victim's pain already. Thankfully, he's far enough away from me that I will never have to look at him again. If you ever encounter someone like that, don't be foolish and give him your love. Don't even give him your hate. If you love yourself even the least bit, give him nothing and keep yourself a safe distance away from him.
@RolyPolyPickle I'm in substantial agreement with you, Roly. The one place in your post I'd like to expand on is your statement "there are people who are inherently bad". I'd like that a lot better if you changed "bad" to "harmful". There are indeed people roaming this earth who are dangerous to know, and many of them are in disguise. But "bad" is a value judgement that is both nebulous and frought with meaning. "Harmful" is much more accurately descriptive of what these people do.
There will always be harmful people in the world, because just like GLBT's they are most probably born (though unlike GLBT's they are ALSO made). Attach an EKG to a man and make him watch videos of skaters crunching their nuts on rails, and if he's 'normal', his EKG will show some sympathetic pain on it. But there is also a chance that instead of feeling sympathetic pain, the man's EKG will actually show him experiencing pleasure at the misfortunes on the video...keep in mind that in this experiment, the subjects of the video are not doing comedic pratfalls, they are experiencing real harm.Some people just like seeing other people suffer because it's the way that they are wired.
My comment is too long... http://stillme-thejourney.blogspot.com/2011/12/tell-them-you-love-them-or-say-what-you.html ...and I'm not discounting what Dan said... I just needed to sort out my own thoughts.
Thank you Dan, needed that more than you know....
makes me think of a quote I read years ago. Hurt people, hurt people...but after this! I can find some healing and learn to love. you are a good person, and I LOVE YOU!! :) feels good to say it.
My comment is too long, but I'm hoping it'll matter enough to read.
https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=346781752002981
@ChewbackaGrizelda I wrote something similar on my own blog... Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
@ChewbackaGrizelda I read it... and while I agree to a certain extent I agree with Dan too... He isn't saying that loving someone means you let them walk all over you and do whatever they want. He is (I believe!) saying that 'you' as in 'me' need to step out of the cycle. We can't do anything about anyone else. we can only change ourselves, so let's start there. Loving someone means not allowing them to get away with abusing you... I believe at least. And as someone who has been in that place as a child, you don't have to stay there. Kevin Leman writes a book called 'why your best IS good enough' Highly recommend it. Have you read the orginal post "I'm christian unless you are gay"?
And The post "memoirs of a bullied child"?
I've been following the posts 'Perfection', 'I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay and now this one... a song from Brian Vander Ark came to mind... it's called "I Don't Want To Be A Bother"... his lyrics are as follows and pretty much sum up the broken road of life...
The first time I was born again
Everything was one more sin
I had Jesus on a notebook then
And a fear of His Father
Born again a second time
Conception wasn’t so divine
“You’ve gotta marry that girl and stay in line”
I didn’t want to be a bother
The third time I was born again
I left that girl that cheats and then
I found Nirvana from within
Swaddled up in dirty flannel
A family that misunderstood
Why I had to leave that neighborhood
Well God’s reception wasn’t that good
The Devil had a clear channel
And so I packed my bags and I left the sticks
And joined the class of ‘96
Where MTV’s an empty fix
With all the other weekly flavors
Manson preached a devil’s spell
But to teenagers that’s an easy sell
I said “to be rebellious you should tell them
Jesus is their Savior”
So they cast me out like an exorcist
Into the arms of a late night evangelist
And for a thousand dollar vow I made the list of
All his weekly prayers
Well I guess I would be quite surprised
If you were the devil in disguise
It would be more clever to hide behind
A political agenda
And so I turned to the government to make some noise
‘Cause I had one vote and I had one voice
I heard “you can’t be religious and pro choice”
I don’t know why I even bother
Now I believe in God there is no debate
But I believe in separation between church and state
I went back to the church to seal my fate
They took me to the father
He said “you can’t come in with that point of view
Just ask yourself what would Jesus do?”
I would’ve said Jesus was a rebel too
But I didn’t want to be a bother
The last time I was born again
I found nirvana from within
The eyes of girl that took me in
Swaddled up in dirty flannel
We went back to my neighborhood
And heard you can’t get to heaven by just being good
I smiled and I said that I understood…
I actually just wrote about this very thing on my blog and I got to that point via your other post "I'm Christian, unless your gay", Dan. You're point wasn't lost so don't feel bad. There are those of us out there that did get it. I wrote about decency. Being decent to people. In my quest to get over my torments of being bullied, I had an epiphany. Ironically enough, it was during a Matchbox Twenty concert when Rob Thomas was setting up for the song 'Unwell".
He said that everyone will hopefully have this epiphany that everyone in the world is just as messed up as you are and that's ok. Somehow that made so much sense to me and at the time, I really needed to hear it. It's true. People are better than you. People are worse off than you. It's the way of the world, really. But you are ok. Exactly as you said, "You are a good person, and I love you."
Liz, why do you disagree with Maya Angelou? I think what she says is totally true!
@ Jenn Jones Lewis. I read this post and after reading your response I re-read it. I am so sorry that you feel that you and your faith or beliefs was under some sort of attack. It saddens me that out of a message of true love you still felt attacked. I am so glad you have found such support in your church and your church family and in your faith, however I see no ill will towards you or any other christians or any faith at all in this post.
“You are a good person. And I love you, too.”
This is so very true!!
Yes, I have a problem with seeing peoplesometimes, but I am glad for the words to use and to reassure my self.
"you are a good person, and I love you" that is a thought I will try to keep in mind. I fight the urge for negativity, for judgement....though i often wonder how much is my quest to not be judged myself and am I that person who over compensates by judging others instead.
You are a good person, and I love you....somehow that is so easy to think of for my children, but not for my neighbours, my coworkers, the girls at the bank...
You are a good person, and I love you...Thank you for that reminder Dan!
Thank you, Dan, Thank you for saying what needs to be said and doing it in such a way that all ears can hear your words. I like to think that I am truly compassionate, nonjudgemental and accepting of others. Heck - I make friends with everyone - young, old, good smelling, and not-so-good smelling. But as I was reading this article I realized that I have a lot of room for improvement. Your 9 words that will certainly change everything in my life are so simple yet so profound. I am sure I would be in a very different place today had I learned this before now. I vehemently agree that responding to kind words as well as harsh words with the same generous, accepting and loving words can and will make a significant impact on others. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND I LOVE YOU.
I am so glad you quit your day job. :)
I don't know that it isn't human nature to have an instant thought about that very first impression of someone. What I have learned to do is make the immediate thought after that to be "So what?" Maybe eventually those first thoughts will be gone. Until then, fake it til you make it.
Bottom line is treat others the way you would like to be treated. I love the post. I just wished that the
person that had sent it to me would have really read it. She definately doesn't get it
This is a great post, as are all of the SDL posts I've read so far. You hit the nail on the head: in our quest to determine our own worth, we often gauge ourselves against others, and one of the hardest things in the world (for some reason) is to view others as neither better nor worse than ourselves, but just as confused and in need of love. It's an interesting peculiarity that as we judge others, it is the negative - the "beneath us" - that we look for, when the very same senses we use to spot the negative could serve us just as well to spot the positives. It might prove a useful exercise for all of us to spend time actively attempting to love other people - especially people who, at the first glance, we find ourselves mysteriously prone to dislike. You are doing a great thing here, Dan!
Let me first start by saying, I am just as guilty as every one else for being judgemental. By no means am I a saint. However, for the past several years, I've been having thoughts along these lines. I never could quite put into words what you said, but I've had conversations with friends and family on this very subject. I personally believe in God, and because of that, I've been trying to get my life on the right track. The problem I have found along the way is that many of the churches in my area are led by people that would pass judgement on people that they thought should be better, should be different, should meet their expectations, etc. My thought was always, "You aren't God, so who are you to judge?" Here recently, I had a leader of a church tell me they would not let gays in their church because they were" sinners," and the leader did not believe in their way of life. My personal thought, "If you are so righteous with the Lord, then you are supposed to walk among "sinners" and have undying faith. You are supposed to reach out to "sinners" to help them see "your way." And if you were really living your life like Christ, then you should be loving unconditionally." I am not trying to go into a sermon here, or to advocate my faith, but I have came to a major realization here recently. Everyone, and I mean everyone, deserves unconditional love. I used to be horrible about holding grudges to anyone that had wronged me. In the journey of trying to live my life the way I believe I should be living it, I realize there is no wrong that is unforgiveable, and there is no one that should be loved any way other than unconditionally.
You're post puts into words exactly the point I have been trying to express to others; that maybe we should just stop putting conditions and expectations on everyone, and just love and accept them for who they are. We need to stop saying, "I love you as long as you don't do this, or wear that, or look this way, etc." We need to stop saying, "I support you unless you do this, or wear that, or look this way, etc."
Thanks for putting out there what needed to be said!!!!
I think there is more to it than just seeing people as good people. After all some people have done some really bad things in this world that have caused indescribable pain to those around them. But even those who have done terrible things deserve to be seen as human beings. I noticed in your list you did not once mention anything that can be classified as criminal. But I have noticed that the people we most often project our most violent hatred on are those that have committed some unspeakable act. And while the act itself may be worthy of hatred and deserving of lawful punishment, I cringe when I hear a person or group of people described as monsters, deserving only of a horrific painful death, and I hear that often enough. So I want to extend your thoughts with my own experience. My dad is a sex offender and I was the victim of the abuse. I think that would give me more reason than most people to hate him, but I don't. I don't excuse his actions, but at the same time I can see the humanity in him. He has good traits and he has bad. He has hurt people and he is hurting. He paid the legal consequences for his actions (which I fully support!) and thankfully has repented. I think the point is, if you are going to apply this principal, you have to apply it equally, and look past peoples actions, good and bad and realize they are a human being with their own story that has shaped them, just like you are. There isn't good or bad people, just people who have done both good and bad things, and who have had others do good or bad things to them. And that includes every single one of us, although legally most of us don't fall into the criminal category. And if my dad's bad actions towards me have resulted in me being able to see the human in everyone and to learn true forgiveness and unconditional love (well, that is still a work in progress realistically speaking), I wouldn't even change my experiences. The attitude of judgement and even retaliation may seem justified on the surface, but all it leads to is more of the same, and breeds hatred which leads to many more hurtful actions. If we really want to change our world we need to do the hardest thing of all, forgive and not pass judgement. Where we can, we need to defend the defenceless without hating those who are persecuting them.
I think it was today that I realized this very thing - my partner and I are restructuring our relationship. In the common vernacular, we are divorcing. But I hate that word and all it implies. We are still very much in love. And yet, my rage has at times been overwhelming. I tell him all the horrible things he's done over and over again. I want to show him how wrong he's been and how right I've been. But what I finally realized today is that all my screaming at him was me shouting, "I deserve to be loved, dammit!" Over and over and over again. And I do deserve to be loved. So does he.
But one thing you didn't mention is that, first and foremost, we need to love ourselves. To tell ourselves that we are worthy of love, good treatment, and appreciation. With this knowledge, we can stand unflinchingly and without doubt in the presence of someone who's still screaming for love the way I was - with insults and degradation. If we recognize our worth and have faith in it, we won't be swayed by the person starving for love, desperate for it. Love is like food - we need it to live and we'll do whatever it takes to get it, especially when we don't get enough of it.
We are conditioned left and right that being worthy and love-able is about being better than others - more beautiful, richer, younger, more religious, less religious, etc. It takes courage to stand up to that conditioning - to the other good people who have been brainwashed into believing they need to be a certain way to be worthy of love. To tell them, "You are worthy of love just the way you are - even if you lose your faith, your money, your beauty, your youth, your job,...your husband." To tell others this, you must first know it yourself. No matter what you've done or what's happened to you, you always deserve to be loved.
@MHM
I also thought that that was missing, although I sense that Dan is very much aware of it and it somehow just did not emerge in the words he shared here. In fact, I think that the whole need we have to be loved by others stems first and foremost from our own fear that we may not be valuable, and that the way to combat it is to learn to love ourselves. Well said, MHM! This was a very important addition to Dan's post!
Thanks for the post--it really touched me. :)
I take my Christian faith very much to heart; yet I found your words to resonate with so much truth to me. To me, it seems like the real message of this post is "Always live true to the very best within yourself, no matter what your personal belief system." So for me, I greatly value what you wrote.
I read it to the end, and i don't believe for a second that you're not "anti-religion". The part you wrote about religion makes it painfully obvious that you are like so many other atheists... that you look at Christians as just a bunch of judgmental hypocrites. That is so far from the truth. I'm not saying they're not out there... we are all sinners, struggling every day to live like Jesus. But we make mistakes. Lots of them. We're not perfect, just forgiven. I am not sitting in my church pew every Sunday looking around, deciding who is making mistakes and who is "lesser" than me. I'm soaking up the Word, God's love, and support from my church family, asking God for forgiveness for my sins, and in awe of the love and faith and trust that those around me have in God. They hold me up when I can't hold myself up. They pray for me when I'm having a rough time, and they are THERE for me. Always. I've never felt so judged because of being a Christian as I have from the posts I've read from you. I'm out.
My 5 y/o is now noticing differences. After he notices them, I ask him to point out something that is the same as him. I will now add these words when we talk about how people are different/same
I can understand where you are coming from. I too was bullied to a certain point, I was always shy and quiet and just kept to myself. But as I grew up and looked back over the years I can't help but to be saddend how children are treated in their own homes. I do believe this comes from how they are raised. I see the hurt in their eyes, the longing to have someone say I love you and mean it. Thank you for sharing your story. We can only pray that children could live in happier homes and given the love they so need and desire.
Let's be ''love each other'' is the way of living. LOL........
I absoloutely adore the way your mind works, sir.
YOU are a good person with an incredible gift of writing and perspective ty for being an inspiration and a changer of hearts and minds
Powerful! Way more complete than the 'I'm Christian...' post! My emotional response was overwhelming enough to leave me with tears in my eyes...will be sharing with my kids tonight!
Love this post - has had me thinking all day.
You are a good person. And I love you.
and Yes, I am gay. I am not religious. And I am not recruiting. Thank you for your kind words. We ALL stand to learn a valuable lesson when we LISTEN to the words of another. Peace <3 and Happiness to you and your son this holiday season.
And allow your self your sad moments, it makes you appreciate your happy moments that much more, we all have them both. :)
Thank you! That's all I want to say. Thank you!
A lot of times I'm not judging as much as I am grateful that things have worked out for me. Having become disabled & lost my job I am grateful for my husband & his job because he kept me from being homeless. The homeless aren't bad people, just unlucky in that they don't have a roof over their head to keep them warm & dry. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope it follows with what you are saying.
thing is, sometimes you can stand in front of someone and tell them that they're a good person and you love them, but they won't accept it because they dont' believe they are a good person and they don't love themselves... But it's a start.
For about a year now, whenever things go south with the man I love or when he starts acting out toward me, I know it's about him, more than anything, so I say, "I love you, you're a good person, and nothing you say or do right now is going to change that, but I'm going to give you some space to figure it out. Be here waiting when you're ready."
It usually works out pretty well, but it will not work permanently until he learns to love himself.
Maybe we all need to start by saying this to ourselves, every day. Maybe that would start the change in the biggest way.
This article is very powerful and so it your comment. I've really been struggling - needing someone to say this to me to such an extent that I have no room to love others and give this back to them. But what you say is true. It's hard to maintain when you're so empty. And it's hard to give when you're empty. Let me re-phrase, it's really hard to maintain the love when I'm so empty and it's hard to give it when I'm empty. I know this quotation is religious/ spiritual which is contrary to the article. But it seems to go with the article to me: "There is only one mind. The mind of the Creator. Each living being is an idea in Divine Mind. We are not separate, as it seems. We are linked through the mighty power of breath. Since we are one, you cannot give anything away; you can only give to yourself. When you give, you receive. When you receive it is reflection of what you give. Since we are all one in Divine Mind, we should make a commitment to always give the best." - Iyanla Vanzant
@joyjoyfuljoyous
I think you're amazing and with out knowing you I love you :)
@joyjoyfuljoyous Just a suggestion... no judgment! :-) You might try looking into your eyes in the mirror, knowing you are your own unique manifestation of AllOne, and saying, "I Love You!"(I really like to 'pretent' I am the Creator, speaking to my human self when I do this)
Blessings! :-)
This is good work you're doing here. Thank you. It's made a difference in the way I look at things.
This is what I do. I love people. I do this because we all need to do this. I don't always get it perfectly. I do my best. I am going to school to have the "right" to tell others this same thing, that you are a good person, I love you, now you need to just be that person and love others. I am a life coach and that is where I coach from. I don't care if you yell at me, cuss at me, cry at me, I still love you. You are not all of that, you are you. I LOVE this! Love that you are bringing it out and talking about it. It doesn't matter if you get it right, or perfect. Just that you do it. It put you on that path of getting better at doing just that, loving others, and loving yourself. Can you stand int he mirror and say those words? Can you look at your kids and say those words? HOW yes you, YOU, HOW can YOU add this to your life? To improve you, to improve your part of the world? Just ask yourself HOW? and it will come to you. Start now, don't wait.
Thank you for this. Thank you for putting into words what I have desperately tried to convey.
You are a good person. And I love you.
<3
AWESOME follow up post Dan! You ARE a good person! And I do LOVE you! :) and I love reading ur insightful and meaningful posts! Very powerful words today... I am going to try to remember these words and put into practice these words... Thank you.
Excellent post, Dan, thank you... It reminds me of something I've learned recently in my journey of recovery. When someone does or says something that prompts me to react negatively, it's well for me to examine myself for that very same behavior... All too often, I find that I do or have done the exact same thing that ticks me off when someone else does it...
@JacksonWBarnett "It is a spiritual axiom that whenever we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US." Unfortunately, the ability to do this.. even UNDERSTAND it, escapes a whole lot of people.
Have to say this is one of your best follow ups!!!
My heart is full! My Spirit is overflowing! You've written a powerful message! It is one that I firmly believe in and have been attempting to share. It can be difficult to come up with the right ways to say stuff.
You did it!
And you did not fail. We are all on earth to learn and grow. We are all at different places in our lives.
The people who 'don't get it' are the people who aren't there yet.
Some people need to fall further to learn.
Some people don't know there is learning to be done.
Some people just don't understand that life is about love.
It isn't about you. It's about them.
You said everything right.