On SDL’s Facebook page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure.
- I won’t always be able to hold your hand while you poop.
- Stop biting the dog or I’ll let it bite you back.
- Don’t use a screwdriver to pick your nose!
- Why did you color your pee-pee with a blue Sharpie?
- Don’t put your nose in the toaster!
- Your bum probably hurts because you ate too much chocolate.
- Tables are for glasses, not for children’s asses.
- No tattling until there’s blood involved.
- Please get the Curious George book out from between your butt cheeks.
- Did you really just hammer nails through the back of the couch?!
- When you fall, I’m gonna be laughing too hard to call 911.
- It is NOT funny to show all the other kids your poop.
- How many times have I asked you to stop sticking you finger in my butt?
- Where did you get those wire strippers and why did you cut the cord to the christmas tree?
- What do you need a hatchet for? You’re seven!
- No poopies in the tub… only in the toilet.
- Do not play tug of war with the dog using your teeth.
- No, buddy. We don’t drink out of the potty.”
- Quit pulling on the dog’s nipples!
- Stop eating the tampons!
- I thought I told you to stop touching his winkie!
- We don’t use our spit to wash the windows.
- Don’t eat the dog food, you already brushed your teeth.
- WHY did you give yourself a swirlie?!
- I know it looks like boys pee out of their belly button, but…
- Stop kicking the chandelier.
- Stop eating the dog’s food… We are almost out!
- You can play with your food as soon as you eat all your toys!
- Take the turtle out of your underwear! NOW!
- You’re gonna have to wear something besides gloves and shoes.
- Don’t lick the inside of your sister’s nose.
- Do NOT put your naked butt on your sister’s face! I don’t care if it’s clean!
- Your pee-pee does not need glitter.
- Oh that? It is just a truck that plays music for you. It always comes out in the summer.
- Sweetie, ‘Alcohol’ isn’t the best name for your new bear…
- It’s not funny to pee in Nana’s heating vents.
- Get the dog’s tail out of your mouth!
- Getting hair in your mouth is just what happens when you eat off the floor!
- Of course my boobs are funny looking. Every grandma has funny looking boobs.
- Great job wiping your bum, way less poop stains this week!
- All right. Who wrapped the dog in duct tape?
- It’s not nice to kick babies.
- Go wash the poop off your hands before you stick them in my mouth, please!
- Why are there butt marks on my scanner?
If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed it, be sure to read the other You Said WHAT to Your Kid? posts. They’re all pretty awesome.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Which were your favorites today?
I have an 8 year old who is a little scary (not like fearful of her scary... More like fearful of her growing up and what she will do/say scary) and she likes to do anything that will get a rise out of someone. If she knows that picking her nose and eating it grosses you out she will spend the next several hours (and sometimes days) doing exactly that right in front of you and laughing her ass off EVERY time she gets a reaction! She liked to not wear underwear to school - finally I had to break down and say "Cheyanne... You CANNOT go comando... It is NOT that I have an issue with it but honestly it is completely against the law to go outside comando before you are 18! Do you wanna go to jail?" It works most of the time... She is sneaky though!!
My son (was about 2 1/2 at the time) yelled to me from the bathroom... I went in and he was all upset. He told me that his "pee-pee was broken" because it wouldn't "go down" even after he kept "pulling it and pushing it down." I was not really sure how to reply so I simply said "It's ok honey... It's just mad at you right now... Leave it alone and let it get over it and it will go right back to normal!"
The next week the poor boy asked me how peanuts got inside his balls... Five kids and just one this damn curious!!!
You know I can't think of anything I said to my kids anything I thought I never would. I did manage to not to say the one thing I didn't want to say. Bill Cosby did a monologue on how Mothers curse their children by wishing that when they grow up they have kids of their own just like them or worse. I managed to never say that to my kids, tempting as it was.
Ah did think of one thing my middle boy was in the hospital when he was about nine months old and we were visiting him when my older boy (not quite 3) pointed to the small white box in the ladies room and asked "what's that?" My reply was "that's a necessaries box." That satisfied him and a woman that was also in the multi stalled room told me "that's the best explanation for that box I've ever heard"
My son discovered his balls and wanted to know how to get them out so he could play with them. "They are boring balls... I promise you, they won't even bounce."
OMG - I'm trying to read this at work on my lunch, but couldn't get through half of it without laughing loudly at my cubicle, scaring coworkers. I have to finish this later!
before we got our male cat neutered I found myself on more than one occasion telling my 4 yr old to "Stop squeezing the cats balls, even if they ARE squishy!" oh and "stop kissing the cat's penis!"
thanks for collecting these, makes me feel a lil saner.
before we got our male cat neutered I found myself on more than one occasion telling my 4 yr old to "Stop squeezing the cats balls, even if they ARE squishy!"
thanks for collecting these, makes me feel a lil saner.
LOL, these are funny. My daughter was six when I discovered her biting her toenails. I yelled about how gross that was, and she admitted "I always have been chewing my toenails for my whole life". I saw someone else comment that they had to tell their child not to bite their toenails too. I am glad I am not alone in having a funny kid.
"Stop hitting your brother with that loaf of bread.""Cats are for petting, not for riding.""You cannot go to school naked, I don't care how warm it is outside.""That had better be peanut butter smeared all over the wall!" (as opposed to something else brown and smooshy)"We do NOT microwave Legos!""No, you cannot turn your brother into a zombie.""Get out of the dryer!""Find a reason!" (said to eldest child when middle child complained that eldest child was hitting him "for no reason")"Why is there a frog in the wall? Nevermind, I don't want to know.""Legos go in the toybox, not in the toilet."And on and on and on...
My 23 year old son just graduated from college on 12/16 and came home for Christmas break. While home he went to an all night party and early the next morning I sent him this text..."I am sorry for texting so early but please tell me you are still alive...If you are dead and ruin Christmas this year I am going to kill you" he responded with "lol, yes I am alive, see you in a little bit" lol not one of my more rational mommy moments.
You don't want to go there (Mcdonalds), it's a spanking factory. There's only a playground because Texas has a law that if you spank kids all day, you have to let them go outside and play twice a day.
My daughter asked me where something was and my automatic (yes, immature) reply was 'Up your butt'. It was completely accidental. Not only was that confusing for her, but I had to repeatedly ask her to never say that to anyone because 4 years old do not forget anything you do or say.
Of course your brother (our third) was a mistake. We only needed one child each to harvest organs from if needed.
LOL I always tell my son not to pull the cats tail because he will scratch him :) I am waiting for the day the kitten actually follows through with it. I also tell him not to bite the dog or he will bite him back. So thank you to whoever posted that one!!
Oh, and I had tell my little lady yesterday "We do not bite the chair. No, that doesn't mean you can lick it instead" and "The tags on the dog's collar are not teething toys".
At the park this afternoon. Emma on the swing, Raffy standing dangerously at clumping distance.
Me to Raffy: if she kicks you in the head its your own fault.
Me to Emma: .....don't deliberately kick him in the head.
"Stop biting the dog or I'll let it bite you back."
"No tattling until there's blood involved."
Shortly after having the NEVER shake a baby conversation with him, I had to tell my 9 year old to stop screaming at me and freaking out, I was NOT shaking his baby brother, I was bouncing him softly to sooth him. I had to get a teddy bear to show him the difference between shaking and bouncing. I am surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops when my son was shrieking "stop shaking my baby brother!!"
Public restrooms are the source of a lot of 'things I never thought I would say". My 3 year old daughter goes into the restroom with me and said the other day, to a full restroom mind you.."we do not talk about mommies sticky poop at Target". I have had that talk on more than one occasion. She now knows we don't talk about my fat bumbum at Red Robin either.
lol my kids say the darnest things..my youngest once told a male friend that has been staying with us for 2 weeks to baby sit while i started at a new job and had to be on the road a lot....she was 4 standing hands on the hips looking up at this 2 meter tall guy :" dont you think its time you go home we can take you to the bus station if you like" His face was priceless and I had to run to the loo to hide and laugh....
Ok so it wasnt so much what I said, it was more like sign language I guess...The kids and I were making shadow creatures on the ceiling by light of a flashlight tonight...we were getting pretty creative...reindeer, unicorns, aliens. My 8 yr old daughter says make a bird mom so I followed my first impulse (naughty) & "flipped a bird" The kids both gasped with shock, squealed & we all rolled laughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Bella claimed...mom! Its against the law to shoot birds in America...I said only if theyre bald eagles!
I have tears rolling from laughing so hard!
I have said a few things that I never thought I would say before I had kids. Alas, they all escape me at the moment.
"How many times do I have to tell you to PINCH THE LOAF" My son has python poop that clogs the toilet :(
My 10 year old boy has a problem with washing himself properly so I have to open the bathrm door to remind him to b sure and was his "nuggets & fry" well it makes me laugh everyone time and embarrasses him but he won't forget it!! LOL
"I can't get you to eat veggies but you'll eat mulch.. I guess it counts as fiber." and "Yes we see your toes, now get them off the table."
My brother David always threatens his kids with "Watch it now, or I'll take away your birthday!" Too funny.
I had to tell my son, he was 3 at the time, that is was NOT ok to color his sister's face green. (she was 7months)
My youngest two were 2 and 4. We had been driving for a while when they started hitting eachother. I told them to knock it off or I was going to pull over. Things were quiet for about 5 minutes when I heard "Mommy, she hit me back!"
To my 2 1/2 year old: "Do not bite your TOEnails!!!" :) and " Get your foot out of your cereal'l he has a foot thing apparently:)
Just today I had to say, "I know you are pretending to be Casey (our cat) but it is NOT ok to pee in the litterbox!"
I frequently have to ask my 2 1/2 year old to not get in the fridge or freezer. And then there's the somewhat frequent request of "Please don't put the cat in the dryer"
Oh, there are so many...as there are apt to be when raising an experiential learner. There are the standards like "get the caulk tube out of your nose!", of course. However, my current favorite (to my 9 year old) "Son, do NOT use toothpaste to wash your penis again!"