On SDL’s Facebook page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure.

  • I won’t always be able to hold your hand while you poop.
  • Stop biting the dog or I’ll let it bite you back.
  • Don’t use a screwdriver to pick your nose!
  • Why did you color your pee-pee with a blue Sharpie?
  • Don’t put your nose in the toaster!
  • Your bum probably hurts because you ate too much chocolate.
  • Tables are for glasses, not for children’s asses.
  • No tattling until there’s blood involved.
  • Please get the Curious George book out from between your butt cheeks.
  • Did you really just hammer nails through the back of the couch?!
  • When you fall, I’m gonna be laughing too hard to call 911.
  • It is NOT funny to show all the other kids your poop.
  • How many times have I asked you to stop sticking you finger in my butt?
  • Where did you get those wire strippers and why did you cut the cord to the christmas tree?
  • What do you need a hatchet for? You’re seven!
  • No poopies in the tub… only in the toilet.
  • Do not play tug of war with the dog using your teeth.
  • No, buddy. We don’t drink out of the potty.”
  • Quit pulling on the dog’s nipples!
  • Stop eating the tampons!
  • I thought I told you to stop touching his winkie!
  • We don’t use our spit to wash the windows.
  • Don’t eat the dog food, you already brushed your teeth.
  • WHY did you give yourself a swirlie?!
  • I know it looks like boys pee out of their belly button, but…
  • Stop kicking the chandelier.
  • Stop eating the dog’s food… We are almost out!
  • You can play with your food as soon as you eat all your toys!
  • Take the turtle out of your underwear! NOW!
  • You’re gonna have to wear something besides gloves and shoes.
  • Don’t lick the inside of your sister’s nose.
  • Do NOT put your naked butt on your sister’s face! I don’t care if it’s clean!
  • Your pee-pee does not need glitter.
  • Oh that? It is just a truck that plays music for you. It always comes out in the summer.
  • Sweetie, ‘Alcohol’ isn’t the best name for your new bear…
  • It’s not funny to pee in Nana’s heating vents.
  • Get the dog’s tail out of your mouth!
  • Getting hair in your mouth is just what happens when you eat off the floor!
  • Of course my boobs are funny looking. Every grandma has funny looking boobs.
  • Great job wiping your bum, way less poop stains this week!
  • All right. Who wrapped the dog in duct tape?
  • It’s not nice to kick babies.
  • Go wash the poop off your hands before you stick them in my mouth, please!
  • Why are there butt marks on my scanner?

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed it, be sure to read the other You Said WHAT to Your Kid? posts. They’re all pretty awesome.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. Which were your favorites today?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!