How dare you fall in love with the person I once fell in love with?

 I have a guy friend that I've been in love with since high school. We never dated each other, but have dated other people throughout the years. He recently got married and I find that I really, truly despise his wife. I know I shouldn't, she's great for him, really. But maybe that's why I don't like her. We never got the opportunity to date, the timing was never right. Then I think, that's really just a lame excuse and I should have gone for it and now I can't. She's wonderful, they're MARRIED and he's happy so I've completely missed the opportunity. So I think now, when I hang out with them, I find myself getting extremely irritated whenever she cuts in on the conversation, because I'm really just frustrated with myself. Which really isn't fair to her, or him.

I feel like I'm having a "Best Friend's Wedding" sort of moment... only I'm not actively trying to steal him away. It's more in the sense that I should have realized just how much I cared about him and made the timing align so we could have at LEAST given dating each other a shot. Now he's married. I'll never act on my feelings for him, and I think if I'm able to let go of the "what could have been", I can simply be his friend and stop myself from cringing every time his wife speaks.

It is so painful sometimes to be human, to have feelings and to do things we wish we hadn't. You are not alone! I have so many things I wish I hadn't done, hadn't said. But in the end the best thing I or anyone can do for ourselves is know we aren't alone in this. Our bumbling about isn't who we are, it is just a small part of who we are. And that we even notice that we do these things, means we are learning from what we do. Acceptance and forgiveness is what we can do for ourselves. Live, fall down, pick ourselves back up and learn, then move on. That is the road of life that moves us forward to being better humans to ourselves and to others. Your self-awareness is awesome.

Hi Dan, I love you blog. But little bit of something you wrote in this did not quite open up for me.

"I mean, what would it say about you if you were to fall in love with a person that no other person wanted? What would it say about me if I were to fall in love with a person who wasn’t awesome enough to deserve the love of other awesome people?"

I feel there is something in that I do not understand. Is love a thing about deserving? I think not, it´s not like you have to be something or have certain qualities, be awesome enough to deserve love. Maybe you just put your words in a way i don´t understand, but I feel that everybody has right and all the possibilities in this world to be loved and it has nothing to to do with deserving it. Does anyone really deserve it and don´t we all? Someone once told me love is a gift and it can not be deserved. If I fell in love with someone no one else wanted, I would see it like I see treasure they do not see. It would say to me that I do not choose a person because she is desirable for lot of of people, but because she is special to me. Maybe there is something beautiful opening up, maybe I make a mistake but it´s life, it happens. Maybe it would make us both more awesome to be able to share love and not to ask any justification from people around us. Loving is caring selflesly about someone else and to me it sounds weird if persons value depends on the amount of people that has been loving her. Maybe my point is, my value or your value (or awesomeness) does not depend on who you have loved or who (if anyone) has ever loved you. Your value is enormous and cant be changed. So is everybody elses. Love is, at least to me, is not about deserving or choosing sufficient enought object for your feelings (someone who is commonly thought as "worth loving"). Love is accepting the other humanbeing and seeing stars where other see darkness. It´s about giving the most important,  the most valuable thing in the world for free, for someone else. It´s awesome and its free for everyone. I think if being loved would have to be deserved some way, acting or looking certain way or having certain personality, people would just start to achieve some common perception of perfection (they already are) and maybe in the end they lose the part of them where is the inperfection, personality. Just the things someone could love about them.

And how you define awesome? Who says what is awesome and what not? Maybe there is million awesomes, in a unique way. And my awesome is probably not the same as yours. If you or me do not love someone, it does not make them less awesome. I see the point that someone else loving the person you have been loving proves the point that the person is good and worth loving and maybe her choices are that too.But mostly this is, like you said, proving to yourself that you matter and are valuable. And you are, it just do not have anything to do with someone loving you (though that makes the feeling stronger). I just see in this post you dividing people into categories awesome (loved by people who increase your self confidence and make you love yourself more) and those not awesome enought to deserve to be loved. Who are those people?

Someone, tell me if I misunderstood. Maybe this is offtopic, but it would be nice to hear your thoughts about deserving love (if there is not post about it already?)

Love from Finland,

Jonna

My struggle has been more about "losing" my guy friends to another woman. It is perfectly acceptable for me to remain friends with my female friends after one or both of us got married, but it is frowned upon when I want to spend time with my guy friends without their significant others. Not that I wouldn't welcome her to any activity we might plan. I just haven't met a woman yet that WANTS to be friends with her husband's female friend. On the other hand, I saw a quote on Facebook the other day.

"The best way to get revenge on the woman who stole your man is to let her have him. You don't want a guy who can be stolen"

I have never had a guy leave me for another woman, but I have breathed a sigh of relief when an ex hooks up with someone new, because I was glad he was now someone else's problem.

Been there, done that.

And it hurt a lot.

Awareness does not make the pain easier to bear, And when we are hurting, it's human to put the blame on someone else.

Eventually, we might never stop loving the person, and that person might always be special to us. But it does not mean we do not move on. After all, isn't every relationship different, and beautiful and unique in its own way?

Celebrate the love, and if it makes you sad, know that there's someone on the other side of the world willing to get you a beer and empathize.

Cheers.

You know I was thinking it's just human. I think we want to believe we were better for them even if we weren't. We want to believe no matter what happened that we might have been very special. I think in some cases that is very true. We were special and never forgotten - example- her reading your blog after marriage to someone else. You were special to her and maybe that scared him cus in the the end we all can see the unspoken truth. He knows you were special to each other and that can be scary for the person who came after you.

While I think it was too bad that you both erupted at each other and possibly ultimately destroyed any future friendships, I think it's a shame that he texted you to stay out of their lives. I guess she was maybe keeping you under the radar when she read your article, which is too bad. I know you guys left on a bad note, but it's still too bad that he's upset that she can't even read something you wrote and tell you it was good. That's just sad.

That was a very insightful and BRAVE look inward Dan... Good for you! and Thank you for helping the rest of us that may have struggled with a similar situation! We are all AWESOME! (just sometimes we forget...)

I have a perfectly innocent, junior-high (hand-holding only) crush on you after this post.

ya. been there and done that! SHE doesn't bug me as much as i myself just wondering why does he love her more than me??? i'm fabulous so why her and not me???? he should have picked ME damit!!!! oh well.................

Nicely put!! I think most of us have been in this position at sometime or another. However, you hit the nail on the head. You have elequently solved the mystery of what makes us feel this way. Thank you for giving us permission to have these feelings. You expressed that the actions we would like to act on are misdirected and yes, totally destructive. Its an interesting and painful dynamic and the angry really hurts the one that holds it the most. In this particular instance you disrespect the one you suposedly love. Thank you for helping us understand our inadequacies, so that we may feel better about who we are while going through the sting of losing out. I am/we are awesome and nothing changes that unless I/we demean ourselves with behavior beneath us.

This was such a powerful concept I had to post this link on my FB!!!

I stand in the middle on this one.

With my now husbands ex wife I have practiced always being kind to her and speaking well of her with his children. She is their MOTHER and while I LOVE the role of step mother I will never be their mother. She has had a hard time accepting me even though I have been with my now husband for almost 10 years. She became VERY angry when my husband and I chose to have a son 2 years ago. The children often tell me things she has said and I have to say "she is entitled to her opinion what do you think?" Even though his oldest will be 16 next week I hope to continue this practice for the rest of her life. It would be easy to lash out in anger because her mother says some Horrible things about me BUT it would not help my stepdaughter!

I was also previously married and I know now that the traits that I dislike in my ex husbands new wife are traits I hated in myself. If a relationship was abusive this is a harder lens to apply!Because I know I was chosen for my weakness NOT my good traits and I now know I have plenty of them!

I applaud the fact that you speak your mind and I find your thoughts touching and funny. Your honesty is refreshing!

I found this link after reading your post and thought of you.

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/01/nothing-good-gets-away.html

It's a letter from John Steinbeck (the author) to his son.

It takes a brave and honest man to admit something like this is such a public but also so-very-personal place. I'm proud of you for continually working on yourself and your relationships! I think if we all spent time in introspection and being honest with ourselves -- not to tear ourselves down but to figure out how we can change for the better -- the world would be a much better place.

I think you are just so awesome and a damn good guy to actually know you were wrong and able to admit it, in public. You get kudo points for that.

When my ex husband told me he was dating someone and later on married, I couldn't have cared less. Our marriage was way over before our divorce. I should have done it sooner than I had. However, his wife and I get alone fine. She is a wonderful person, too good for him but its not my business.

After my divorce and later on I dated this guy and fell madly in love with him. He, like you wasn't ready to give his heart, love and trust. He was brutally honest but I kept thinking he would come around. After a couple of years, I finally realized I was only fooling myself. The relationship was not going where I wanted. However when me and my current husband started dating, the ex boyfriend found out and had a whole new turnabout. He asked to give 'us' another chance. But mind you he had a year between our breakup and my now hubby entering my life but never said anything.

I was then brutally honest with him. I told him he had me but didn't want me. He had almost 12 months to pursue me when I was dating. He gave me NO choice but to find love in another place. It is his loss. We wish each other well and we stay in touch through occasional emails stating I am happy and he is still looking. Hmm..

When my Hubby walked into my life, everything fell into place.I look back and think the ex and I would have never made it together. It would have been just further heartache and a great friendship would have been dissolved.

You will find that special someone! Just know what you want and never accept any less as you ARE worth it!

I see this a lot. I understand the feeling of desperation of why it didn't work and the promise to make a go of things again. Sometimes things are not in the plan and we have a hard time accepting it because of the wonderful feelings and times inspired by and with that one person. I have a few like that, we all do, but the one I was most sorry to have let go was for the best. When I finally was back in touch with that person I was thrilled the person was happy and the person they were with was happy. It was hard at first glance but through that love between them they shone brightly and compliment each other so lovingly. I only hope that I can do that with my husband. That people see him and go, wow, they really do love each other.

Dan, I hope you find that one person that makes you shine and compliments you and you her.

Two of my exes that I was very serious with at some point in my past both just got married this past December. It was easy for me to see the bright side of it because I have been married for over 5 years now. I am so happy to see them happy and equally happy to know that I must fall into the same category and level of wonderful as the amazing women they married. We are all friends and my husband and I were very excited to celebrate such a special day with them!

Obviously the problem stems from believing you're awesome in the first place. I know I'm next to worthless. That my wife stays with me is beyond me. I know eventually she'll realize she could do better and I hope for her sake she finds that someone better--God knows there's plenty of them out there. And I won't begrudge her or him. I would have had my time with her for which I'll always be grateful. But happiness is not a right; it is a fortunate happenstance. I am grateful for it while it's here but know that it will ultimately depart and that's, sad, but it's OK. Maybe other happenstances will occur later...

borrowed ;)

Honest Man, Sharing...what a concept. Thank you!!

applaud*

We should appaud those who can handle the things we cannot

What an amazing quote Dan!! and story of course

Stole that quote - thanks for sharing.

I remember how hard it was for me after a breakup, when my ex started seeing someone that I couldn't deny was great. I didn't even have the denial thing going, and I remember saying 'Man, I wish I could just HATE her, but she's so damn nice!" I didn't have that hate comfort thing going on.

U ROQ!

As always your posts are from the heart and honest-Thank you:)

Rejection is hard. I've been in two instances where I internally reacted differently, but came to the same feelings. The first is with someone I dated for almost 6 months. He was younger than me and was not ready for commitment, even when he was really sleepy he would constantly whisper "Would you marry me?". It was a great relationship, but after being apart for a couple of months, he just didn't feel anything anymore after that. We broke up and a few months later I found out he had feelings for one of my close friends (who was also a friend of his). Because I had so much love for this friend, I could do nothing BUT support it. The second time was with the guy iwas with a good friend of mine. I was on the other end of his ex girlfriend, who stopped being my friend, after we started dating. It was a short fling, but I felt something for him. After a while he broke it off, not that it was completely serious, only because he knew what I had not realized at the time, that we were just ment to be great friends in this lifetime. I was hurt. Both times I was hurt, but this time I was the one feeling spiteful toward his current girlfriend. But as the months went by and as I got to know her, I knew she was a better match for him than myself. She could keep him on track better than I could, just as he could for her. She is awesome and I would consider to be friends with her, not close, but still friends.

Oooh, owww! This is a hard one, Dan. Intellectually, I get it. It's that little corner of Self that doesn't wanna get it yet.

I think its because rejection is very difficult to completely heal from... Even when all parties have moved on, even when the break up is for the best, even if we initiated it... We want to protect ourselves from the idea of rejection.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Unfortunately, politicians don't follow this rule and it works, so that's the lesson we see played out over and over again.

I like what you said "Then she fell in love with this other guy because life took her there."

Yet another wonderful post. Thank you!

Hindsight! If only we could see that at the time we show our worst in a situation like this!

I posted a comment on the blog. I hope you can find time to read it.

We were just talking about this, this morning.

@danoah thank you, a unique perspective and something to think about xx

(srorry, i had to post in two!) was done with him, didnt love him anymore, didnt want to be with him anymore. so what did i care that someone else did? it was the failures in my that cause the demise of my marriage that had me hating this woman...not the woman herself! *sigh* and while i know all this, and certainly, Dan, you do too, its a visious cycle and one we are likely to repeat until finally, we just no longer do. but the key in knowing we do it, admitting we do it, and seeing what we are about to do before we actually do it...so no one gets hurt with words, with action, with anger...its hard to say "Im sorry"...and mean it. kudos to you for doing so...now i have an email on myown to write...to my ex and his lovely wife :D

in earlier years, i was the QUEEN of tearing others down to make myself feel better and the reasons for it..you are right on the mark! we do it because we feel inadiquate, we feel unlovable, we feel unworthy. but we arent. we arent just beacuse someone comes in and "takes our place" no one can ever take anyone elses place...for if it was really "our" place, there would be no room for another to come into it! when i left my 2nd ex husband, he started dating a woman right away...she was moved in within 2 months of me leaving...they are married now. and i hated her...loathed her. oh i had my "good" reasons to...she was the office assistant in his divorce attns office, i mean just how they met alone was worth me hating her. but i got over it...how? because it dawned on me...I LEFT HIM.

Wow.. there are so many things this brings up for me.

My ex, I want him to be happy. I pray he finds the most amazing woman ever, and I also pray she makes him happy enough that he wont treat her like he did me.

But also, I deal with a guy Im dating now, whos ex wants to use their child as a pawn to cause issues if he is dating me, and it is so frustrating. Being on both sides, Its hard to understand why some people react the way they do with hate, and others, love so much, they can only hope for the best with an ex.

Im glad you saw the light.

When my ex got into a relationship with someone I had to actually meet, I was terrified. (Until then, it hadn't much mattered to me.) Afraid that she would believe him about all the awful things he says about me. Afraid of what I should/could/must say. Afraid for her, that he would con her. But then she wanted to meet me. And, terrified, I agreed. I answered her questions as neutrally and unemotionally as I could. Trembling all the while. Trying to be honest with her but not tear him apart. Afraid that if she believed me, she would break up with him, and he'd take it out on me. Afraid that if she didn't, maybe I was delusional after all and I really was the reason everything was bad in my relationship with him.Then he asked her to marry him, and she said "not yet." Four days later, he asked another girl to marry him and she said yes. Eventually the first girl caught on and she broke up with him. And yes, he blamed me. Yes, he took it out on me. But then it was over. And I realized that the other girl was smart enough to figure it out for herself, unlike me when I was about to marry him. The second girl is much more like I was then. Trusting, believing. He's married to her now. And as much as I sometimes worry about her, I realize now it's not my problem. I can't save everyone. Goodness, I can barely help my daughters.

But I admit to being a little afraid still. I am in no hurry to get into another relationship, knowing the fallout I'm likely to get from that quarter, similar to what you are talking about here.

I don't even really know why I shared it, other than that your post brought up memories. Chin up, Dan. Mistakes are made, but at least you're trying to change yourself.

I've never had to deal with this. I'm pretty protective of my ex... I think he deserves someone really awesome. I love him. I WANT him to find someone that loves him and accepts and makes him happy. My biggest hope is that she won't mind that he has a friend that also happened to have been married to him... but I also understand it might be hard for her... when I saw how happy he was when he started dating a girl, I cried happy tears. When he told me that they fell asleep talking and holding each other, I did have a slight twinge of, "Why did that never happen for us? All of our years together, and it was never that nice," and then I felt SO EXCITED that he could have that with someone. And I felt like our divorce was probably the best thing... all those years together without that? That's not a good sign. When she broke up with him, I was sad for him...

Our divorce was a mutual decision. We decided together it was best for both of us.

Maybe it would have been different if he had left me (or vice versa). It would have felt like one of us lost, and thus a new lover "won"...

Isn't loving someone wanting them to be happy?? Even if it's not with you... you love them and you want them to be happy, and you wish them well on their journey. I admit I'm naive, it just seems like that's the kind of love I would want in my life. But in order to love someone else like that, first I have to love me enough to know that if someone doesn't want to be with me, it's okay. Their desire for me does not make me "good", nor does their lack of desire for me make me "bad". If I hate myself, their leaving will just confirm that I SHOULD hate myself.

Dan - I also applaud this entry. Your willingness to look at yourself and continually try to improve YOU is amazing to me. Thank you for going on your journey, and thank you for sharing your journey with me.

When my ex got into a relationship I had a hard time, because sometimes we see a romantic relationship (any romantic relationship) as validation that you are living a good life or are a good person.

I faced this head on while my ex was vacation in Europe (with his new girlfriend). At that time he sent the first and ONLY e-mail he has ever sent through my e-mail address to my children. He sent it on Valentine's day and highlighted what a great time they were having, all the great places they were going etc. My kids didn't like the e-mail either, because it didn't ask about them, and they felt very separate from the experiences he was having. Like they had been left behind. I felt that way too.

Despite how much it hurt, I don't think he did it consciously. Whether he did or not doesn't matter.

I had to spend a lot of time reminding myself that I was taking time to heal and grow, to not jump into another relationship. I was making a choice and his relationship doesn't invalidate me being a good person, or leading a good life. I also had to remind myself that though the day to day of parenting lacks glamour compared to European vacations, what I am doing is important to me and I choose to do it.

It has always been helpful to think his girlfriend must be a pretty good person. My kids like her which is a very good sign. I had a mean and crappy step mother, so my kids having a likable 'step mom' is important to me. I fell in love with him and I am a pretty good person. It follows that she would be too.

I think it is great you apologized. Hopefully it offers you some peace.

Oh man. I have felt all kinds of weirdness in that situation, but slightly different.

My longest relationship before my husband (even longer than I've been with him so far actually) was with this guy for 6 years. Most of college, then living together for a year and a half. It took me a loooong time to realize what an unhealthy relationship it was and that I was being emotionally abused. As much as I was glad to be free of him, it still hurt to give up someone I'd loved for 6 years.

We stayed "friends" on Facebook, until one year on his birthday and I had to keep seeing my friends wish him a happy one over and over and I realized, that's it. I do not need ANY connection to this man. I un-friended him. It's not like we'd been chatting or anything. He'd also moved from MA to FL.

A few weeks ago, my sister got engaged. I noticed him wish her "congrats" and saw his user pic was him kissing some girl's cheek. I couldn't help it. I was curious. I clicked on his name and saw "In a relationship with so-and-so." How nice. My first thought? "Whew, she's fatter than me. I'm definitely cuter."

I immediately hated myself. I mean, REALLY, I certainly don't miss him, my husband is AMAZING, etc. But I'm a heavy girl with low self-esteem (how cliche) and this made me feel better. For a moment. I also felt bad for her and hoped he'd learned his lesson and was treating her better. (I did get the whole "I was an ass, I'll change, take me back" song and dance when we broke up. Maybe he's changed.) Even the most happily married person with an ex they NEVER want back will compare themselves to the "new person." It is SO natural. At least that's what my sweet gay friend told me on Twitter when I confessed my sin. My husband wasn't as amused. :P