Last night I posted Goodbye Brain. Hello Heart. It was both a look at some of the damage I’ve done to past relationships by having my head too much in the game, and also a look at the mental struggle I had in order to finally give up on my brain and instead start dating with my heart.
The responses that came in were very much what I thought they’d be. Some people thought it was a great post and a great way to think. Others thought it was a potentially dangerous or stupid way to think.
In the end, the place I write from and the place you respond from is going to be almost completely dependent on where it is we’ve been and what successes or failures we’ve seen along the way. All of life is a balancing act between heart and mind, and every person will be in a different place at any given point of time.
My place is a place that I’m at because dating and loving with my mind has hurt me. Bad. Not letting my heart help in the translation of what love is has made my love life not just damaged, but impossible.
But I wasn’t always that way.
I used to love with my heart and not my mind. I used to allow myself to fall in love. I used to allow myself to woo women. I used to enjoy the chase. I used to cherish and appreciate women in a much deeper way.
And I got hurt.
A few times.
Both women I ended up marrying I loved with my heart and not my mind when I courted them. And while both of those relationships eventually ended, they didn’t end because of the use of my heart. They ended because of two things. One, I started using my mind instead of my heart, and two, I eventually stopped using my mind or my heart really at all.
And so, at the ripe age of 31… I find myself single once again. I find myself wanting love once again. I find myself back in the dating game, refusing to give up just because some people tell me I should. I refuse to give up just because some people tell me I should be happy not dating. I refuse to give up just because some people tell me I’m sad, desperate, or acting out of an unhealthy place.
And I refuse to give up because even though I eventually landed hard on my face in both my marriages, the way those relationships started was among the best times I’ve ever had. They were among the happiest times. They were incredible. If they hadn’t been, they wouldn’t have led to marriage.
And yep, my heart got hurt. My mind got hurt. My soul got hurt. Both times.
Continued on next page.
Thank you.... I have not been divorced, but burned in a couple long-term relationships and at 32 find myself single again. This blog was encouraging, thank you for the reminder and just the honesty of your post!
I don't think you have to choose between Heart and Mind. It is the balance that makes you look forward to each day/minute/second you spend with [her].The relationship I am in now is so different from any other I have had, and this post got me thinking.
With every relationship before,during, between, and after my two marriages, I was motivated by the need to make [him] happy, and usually that meant things went way too far, way too fast, and I lost my true self. I only had a few relationships that weren't "comsumated" within a few days.
Now I am in love with a guy who has the same belief system I have, laughs at all the same jokes, and finishes my sentences. We are perfectly happy just taking things slow, and I finally have a perfect meeting of mind and heart. He stimulates me intellectually, and can send shivers up my spine with just a touch of his hand on mine, or a smile over an inside joke. In answer to the question [What have you done to find balance...], I would say, "I love his mind while minding his heart", and I'm sure he feels the same way.
Talking from my experience in life so far, trust in what you have discovered and trust in where you are heading now. I believe that love in itself cannot be analysed and dissected. True love, that inexplicable feeling you have for someone else, is all heart. But...a healthy, strong relationship involves a lot of thinking, discussing and yes, analysing. But I think that part definitely comes later. I fell in love with my partner through a shared experience, yet at the time, he was unaware of my feelings for him and was actually more interested in my friend! But I couldn't deny what I felt and later that year, we bonded through another shared experience and we began a wonderful relationship where it felt 'so right'. However, round about 10 months in, I could sense something was up. Something definitely wasn't right and it was killing me because I couldn't put my finger on it. The problem came to a head when he lied to me and I found a txt on his mobile to a girl who was a 'friend' and apparently 'didn't mean anything' to him. But he was talking to her in the way that you should only speak to the one you love. I was devastated. I didn't understand why this was happening, as he constantly told me he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. But then, if he truly loved me, this situation should never have happened. So I had to make a tough decision, be brave, and leave so that he could work out what he really felt for me. I was still desperately in love, but if he couldn't love me back in the same way, there was no way our relationship could last. Ultimately, it was the best thing that could have happened to us. When I left, he was completely heartbroken and began to work out why he was acting in this way. My partner is 32, and in his past relationships, he had been the one who acted straight from the heart. It had got him burnt so many times that when I came along, deep down inside, he couldn't truly believe that it was going to work out. So subconsciously, he wasn't committed to his own heart and let his head, fear and doubt get in the way. My leaving and being blunt with him, forced him to come to the same conclusion that you have. You can't live in fear. You can't analyse love. If love is there, there is a chance that you will spend the rest of your life with that person. There is also the possibility that you will get hurt...but, I think the hurt of never giving yourself the real chance to love is much greater, than having loved and lost. Since that horrible time in our relationship, our love has grown and our lives have become so intertwined that I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else. Trust in love...I hope with all my heart that you find it.
I thought this was pretty apropos...https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=224330084318762&set=a.151214718296966.38943.151206238297814&type=1&theater
Loved that movie and that character too! Loved it too much that I also created a post of mine quoting that same movie. http://missindependentatsg.blogspot.com/2011/11/hes-just-not-that-into-you.html
'There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.'
I really enjoyed both posts. You can put into words what I sometimes struggle to describe even to myself. Love truly defines our lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Love of family, love of friends, love of ourselves, and at special times in our lives the love of someone as a partner to share it all.
Ive done the same as you. I over analyze everything. I also learned though that thinking with your head doesnt spare your heart. You might think your heart wasnt in it but you find out too late that is was when its hurting.
you love your son with your heart :) and use your mind only to organize :) Other relationships can operate in the same way~
This comment of yours, "And I refuse to give up because even though I eventually landed hard on my face in both my marriages, the way those relationships started was among the best times I've ever had. They were among the happiest times. They were incredible. If they hadn't been, they wouldn't have led to marriage," is where I am. I am 3 weeks from finalizing my second divorce (at the age of 32) yet am determined to date and have fun and love again. The way my marriages started... fabulous! And, I am confident that one day, some day, I will be there again. Kudos to you for sticking yourself back in the game, with your heart and head on straight (for you), so to speak. It's hard. Very very very hard. But I am positive that one day it will be worth it - for both of us :)
I recognized this quote from the movie immediately! I absolutely LOVE this movie! And Gigi's character is one of my top 5 all-time movie characters. EVER!
Have had one marriage of each. Both times my heart got broken as well - which I found interesting with the head love because I thought I was adequately sheltering my heart. I am currently with someone I fell head over heels infatuation with my freshman year in college. He looked me up after his marriage crumbled due to his wife just killing his heart. It is so incredible to feel like I am 18 again - to be romanced and cherished and wanted and enjoyed. Hang in there Dan. Some wonderful woman is out there looking to win the prize that you are.
Always follow your heart. Mine knew the minute I met my husband. I fell in love, with my whole heart, at the tender age of 17. After a couple of years both our minds destroyed it. Questioning the strength of the relationship and allowing it to buckle under the pressure of settling down 'too soon'. A few years later we tried again having grown up a bit, but with him now in the Army there were different pressures. Again our 'over thinking' ruined it all within a year. Luckily our hearts finally took over 6 months later and we reunited for what I hope is the last time! We sat and went over past thoughts regarding marrying, having children, his career and realised our hearts had always told us we DID want to marry, we DID want children together and to have it all it didn't matter where we lived in the country. The only thing we had to do was make it happen. That was two and a half years ago, we're married and have an 11 month old son. Neither of us have ever been so happy, settled and in tune with each other! Your heart will tell you if you want travel a road with someone. Your mind should be the engine to help you get there, not the brakes.
My husband and I talked about this last night on a rare date and time away from our toddler. When I met my husband I was 22 and I was emotionally retarded. I watched my parent s have a HORRIBLE marriage that ended when I was 15. They HATED each other. So when I married at 18 and again at 20 the first a head love the second a heart love I watched both of those relationships crash and burn quickly. I have been with my husband now for almost 10 years and the longer we are together the more he has my heart. He taught me to love in a much healthier way and stuck around as I figured out who I was and How to REALLY love someone. He does not hold things I did during this learning experience against me. He was also married before and it was a "doing the right thing" situation. Things have not always been easy for us because the learning experiences you have to go through carry into your new relationships when there are children involved. And resentments and bitterness from other people can contaminate a new relationship if you let it. But despite extensive criticism we married almost 6 years ago. We had a son 2 and a half years ago and life is GREAT. Life is not easy it is not a fairy tale but when you love and share your life with your best friend each day is something you can get through together!
I have done my share of both, heart loving and using my head too much. I think the best is when you can be open with your heart and emotions, but still be wise in your decision making. Its a tough balance, but being a single mom, it's crucial to operate this way. Love great, and I love being in love, but I have to be logical, too, about who and what is right for my son and I.
15 years ago I thought I was in love with a man and we were planning on getting married, unbeknownst to me he wasn't as happy in our relationship as I was. 2 and half months before we were supposed to be married he called it off, so my friend and I went out to relieve some stress (get drunk) and we ran into a guy I worked with but didn't really know. The next week we went out again and ran into him again, this time we went to a restaurant after the bar and got to talking. Turned out we liked a lot of the same things and he was a great guy. We moved in together 2 weeks later and got married 6 weeks later. We have been married now for 15 years, we have 4 wonderful, sometimes rambunctious children and we are still going strong despite all the problems, the fights, the differences and everything life can throw at you. Sometimes you have to lose something you think is right to find something that really is.
I learned a lot of my lessons about life and love at a very young age. My mother moved us around A LOT, so I never knew what school or state I would be in for the coming year. I had to decide, early on, to either get in there, make the best of it, and enjoy the people and school while I was there or, keep to myself, keep others at a distance, so that when I had to leave, goodbye wouldn't be a big deal. I truly believe that has helped me along the way. I decided to make the best of it, so there have been a lot of goodbye's over the years. BUT...I made some great friends, met very interesting people, and lived in 6 different states (sometimes multiple places within each).
I try to live every second with my heart. I believe in love, prince charming (non-fairy tale type lol), and happily ever after. Every success and every failure have molded me into the person I am today so I can't discount the heartbreaks. If love is what you seek, then get out there! :) It may not be the best experience but you can't argue the value of any experience. Good luck, and thanks for allowing all of us to take this walk with you! Have a blessed day!!!!!!
You are exactly right. I came to the same conclusion about a year ago. After my divorce and a few awkward relationship attempts, I promised myself that I would stop letting my mind interfere and just follow my heart completely. And, yeah, I got hurt. Really hurt. But you know what? I had also never felt love so intensely and purely. Now that I know what it is like to feel that way, I cannot accept any less. I keep being told that I am looking for something unreasonable and I have set the bar too high but I don't agree. I am ok with never reaching that goal but I am not ok with living below it. I would rather be alone than to go through the motions of a relationship knowing my heart could hold so much more. I have learned not only to keep my brain from telling me to fear my feelings of love but also from ignoring the feeling in the pit of my stomach that says "this isn't right". In the end, you know who you are and what your soul needs. Nobody else does. So, raspberries to all the naysayers. Don't give up, Dan. You'll find what you are looking for. :)
I think Disney movies sabotage love. Love isn't perfect...it's messy, chaotic, profound, overwhelming, and almost suffocating...but all in a good way :) Love consumes every tiny part of your soul. And if it isn't meant to be (so-to-speak) it will eventually, inevitably crush your soul. It leaves you feeling stranded, lifeless, and breathless. But, when it doesn't come to an end, these things are the moments that also take your breath away. These are the moments that give you butterflies at work the next day, these are the moments that leave you singing your s/o's favorite song the next day (even though you really don't like it), these are the moments that leave you smiling randomly while you are sitting alone at your desk. These moments, these feelings, this chaos, and mess...it's beautiful...what a beautiful mess.
Iv'e not given up in my heart, I still have this idealistic view of love (in a disney movie type way) but I've given up on seeking it myself. In my experience people have not been too kind. There was until recent years a sense of optimistic naivety in me (almost in the same way as in a child). It was a sad day when I realised I had lost that, I remeber it vividly and think I will forever. It was during a conversation with my dad, his response was nothing short of the realist he is and was as follows "its called growing up".
Maybe this is so but I have to say life and love has been no where near as enjoyable since. Everything is tinged with this strong stench of fear. I am yet to realise whether it can be overcome. I do believe there is a difference between being hurt and being hurt so badly you are left with lasting impressions on your entire personality. How do you ever come back from that? If anyone find out please let me know.
just discovered that it is true, I still love him but it no longer hurts because I realize that he ´s hurting too..
You find it by NOT looking for it. I found Mr. Right by being just friends for the first couple years.
Hey. I don't usually post, but I read your blog all the time. I feel your pain, and your joy, most of the time. I had written down my thoughts on love back in January of 09 in my notes and just wanted to share them with you. Love.
I believe in love.
I believe in love at first sight, it happens to me all the time. (Anyone know who said that?)
I believe that love, is like energy in physics. It cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be changed.
I believe that love doesn't divide. It only multiplies.
Love never dies.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
Love offers many chances.
There is no purer love on earth than the love you feel for your child.
Love can make you cry, kill, steal, cheat, lie, and this is true all around the world and throughout history.
Love is blind, and deaf, and dumb.
Love has no rhyme or reason, no season and no mercy.
The heart wants what it wants.
True love overcomes all boundaries.
Tragic love is beautiful. Romeo and Juliet, Cyrano, Dangerous Liasons.
Old love can be viewed as if under glass, set back by velvet ropes, with fuzzy lighting, making it thereby, perfect. Untouched. As it was. Also beautiful.
I have only been in love once lol and I am 31. I have seen a fair share of heartache which would not typically denote such a youngish age lol but once again it is what it is- I think I have met more people with that same description than not but that could also be the science of relationships at work (we tend to gravitate to likeness.) Risking sounding trite I would say This is how I feel: sure it would be nice if things were more perfect and painless...if beauty could be untainted and truly valued and truly protected and all that jazz...but the fact is for better or worse we who have suffered are richer for it. It's a hell a price to pay and often this kind of experience is sprung on us without regard to the sacrifice we will pay or learn to...but there is always the choice...to proceed inspire of ...and I believe that the treasures inherited are beyond gold- one Convo with our kids and we know it's true
Hit send too soon. Improper nutrition to those in their care while pulling in billions in donations. I cringe when people quote her.
Love the movie reference...and If I understood correctly you I agree with the concept that our journeys are our own and when it comes down to it nobody else could truly judge if we are doing it right, if we are ready, if we are moving too fast or too slow- if we are caught up in fear or if we are being cautious and wise...I feel like this phrase which has come out of my mouth so often in the last couple years rings true here: it is what it is. I say that in a spirit of "accepting things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." so my precious comment to you that I deemed you are showing growth in your journey I only observed the forward motion- which is always good.
She and her nuns also shackled children to beds, used dirty medical equipment and provided improper nutr
"He's just not that into you." is a better book than movie. Check it out. Thanks for your inspiration. I always lead with my heart; right now, it hurts, and I've been tempted to filter things through my head; but, I agree with you...one of the extremes feels more worth it. Thank you.
@Skated My experiences of "being hurt so badly you are left with lasting impressions on your entire personality" are not those of being hurt by a man but those of being hurt as a child by adults. And, yes, I am coming back from that. I learned that first, I had to forgive. Forgive and let go of what was done to me. No, it is not easy ( I did not reach that point until about 20 years after those things happened) and it does not change the fact that those things happened to me. Then, I had to realize that I do not have to be controlled by what happened. With the grace of God, I can move on and allow those events to make me more compassionate, more understanding and kinder to others; but not allow them to control me and my character. I am not a psychologist, simply some one who has endeavored to move on. If you would like to talk, feel free to contact me...[email protected]