I better start this post by saying… if you are a woman, and you are thinking about going on a date with me (you know who you are), and this is the first post of mine that you see… SKIP IT! Please. For the love of everything holy.

Everybody else, read on.

Whew. Hopefully that worked and I’ll still have plans this weekend.

Anyway…

A few months ago I installed this sweet app on my phone. It’s a secret app that is so secret I literally don’t know the name of it. What it does though, is amazing. Every time somebody types in the wrong code to unlock my phone, it takes a picture of the unsuspecting hacker and logs it so that I can see who I should trust and who I should start immediately brawling with.

When I first saw the app for only 99 cents, I was like “HECK YEAH! LET’S DO THIS!” I downloaded it and set it up to run in the background.

And, just like every other thing I bought for a buck in this life, I forgot it was there.

Until that is, a few days ago when I saw it, and I was like “HECK YEAH! LET’S SEE WHO’S BEEN SNOOPIN’ IN MY BUSINESS!”

And I opened it up.

And I started thumbing through the pictures.

And all I saw was…

Me.

And more of me.

And even more of me.

Yours truly.

And unruly.

Nobody else had tried to break into my phone. I had nobody to brawl with. I just had a giant folder full of pictures of… me.

Now, I really don’t know why I’m sharing these photos with you. After looking at them myself, I can only guess that the times I mistype my own code are the times that I am the most tired, most grumpy, and most…. anything but happy and smiling.

What’s worse is, they’re all taken from this weird angle that nobody in their right mind would take a picture of themselves from.

Oh well.

They made me laugh so maybe they’ll make you laugh, too. Enjoy.

And now you see why I am asking potential dates to SKIP this post. I'm warning you now. Get out while you can.
And now you see why I am asking potential dates to SKIP this post. I'm warning you now. Get out while you can. This is a mild one.
Here's a fun one. Somehow my jaw doubled in size which is always flattering.
Here's a fun one. Somehow my jaw doubled in size which is always flattering.
I love this one because I'm pretty sure there is some chocolate smeared on my face under my lip.
I love this one because I'm pretty sure there is some chocolate smeared on my face under my lip. Please don't tell my urologist.
I want you to point to the place where you lost the crayon, Mr. Pearce.
I want you to point to the place where you lost the crayon, Mr. Pearce.
You can't see me, but I can see you.
You can't see me, but I can see you.
This is an example of GOOD DRIVING. Keep your eyes on the road. Do not ever look at your phone. Especially if you see a cop ahead.
This is an example of GOOD DRIVING. Keep your eyes on the road. Do not ever look at your phone. Especially if you see a cop ahead.
This is an example of BAD DRIVING. Especially if there is a cop ahead.
This is an example of BAD DRIVING. Especially if there is a cop ahead.
Oh crap, the cop saw you. Play it cool, man. Play it cool.
Oh crap, the cop saw you. Turn your phone off. Play it cool, man. Play it cool.
And you're SURE you're pointing to the place the crayon is.
And you're SURE you're pointing to the place the crayon is.
Why do I feel like a picture from junior high snuck into the stack?
Why do I feel like a picture from junior high snuck into the stack?
Sadly, I think this is one of the sexiest ones in the bunch. Maybe because it's not predominantly made of chin.
Sadly, I think this is one of the sexiest ones in the bunch. Maybe because it's not predominantly made of chin.
This is my "don't mess with me or I'll stab you" face.
This is my "don't mess with me or I'll stab you" face.
Hey, I was *almost* smiling in this one!
Hey, I was *almost* smiling in this one!
I look like I'm concentrating WAY too hard on unlocking my phone here.
I look like I'm concentrating WAY too hard on unlocking my phone here. This is why I don't try to figure people out. It creeps them out.
Based on my skin tone and super happy expression, I think I may actually be dead in this picture.
Based on my purplish skin tone and super happy expression, I think I may actually be dead in this picture.
One more time because I'm having a hard time believing it... where is the crayon?
One more time because I'm having a hard time believing it... where is the crayon?
You caught me playing hide and seek with my neck.
You caught me playing hide and seek with my neck.
Based on the shower curtain, this must have been a middle of the night still-tipsy trip to the bathroom in Vegas this New Years.
Based on the shower curtain, this must have been a middle of the night still-tipsy trip to the bathroom in Vegas this New Years. And how did the lower part of my face double in size? Does alcohol do that to you?
I just wanted to show off my fancy sun roof here.
I just wanted to show off my fancy sun roof here.
Look at me, actin' all "I don't know there's a camera on me right now."
Look at me, actin' all "I don't know there's a camera on me right now."
Is it the awesome taster I have going in this pic that MAKES it? Must be.
Is it the awesome taster I have going in this pic that MAKES it? Must be.
I am 90% certain I was trying to unlock my phone in my sleep in this one. Also in Vegas. Also still tipsy, I am guessing.
I am 90% certain I was trying to unlock my phone in my sleep in this one. Also in Vegas. Also still tipsy, I am guessing.
YAY! A HAPPY ONE! Thank God because the next two are not pretty. In fact, they're so not pretty that you have to go to the next page to see them. Again, if you are a girl that is thinking of dating me, and you have ignored my previous warnings, STOP NOW! Do NOT go to the next page.
YAY! A HAPPY ONE! Thank goodness because the next two are not pretty. In fact, they're so not pretty that you have to go to the next page to see them. Again, if you are a girl that is thinking of dating me, and you have ignored my previous warnings, STOP NOW! Do NOT go to the next page.

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