>> I wrote this entry and published it on my Babble Voices blog, and I’m only permitted to post a snippet of it here. Read the snippet below or read the whole thing and comment on Danoah Unleashed >>
Today I’m just in the mood to reminisce and ramble for a moment.
Noah is about to turn five. Not to sound cliché, but these five years have really flown by. From the very beginning, I have done everything I could to put my child first, to never mess up as a parent, and to always keep everything in my own life in perfect order so as to give him the best advantage possible.
Ummm… yeah, right.
As it turns out, keeping my own life in perfect order hasn’t been something I’ve been very good at. One divorce later, I really questioned that. Two divorces later, there was nothing left to question. Perfect order became a fantasy to me. A holy grail of sorts.
Never messing up as a parent, that also wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Sure, since the day he was born I proudly exclaimed that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t secretly think I was that perfect parent. Then I yelled at him once for almost no reason. Then I tried to spank him once even though I swore I never would. Then I learned that sometimes I couldn’t give him the time he should be getting from dad. Yep, as it turned out, being a perfect parent wasn’t something I was very good at either.
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Jacob, this is cool.
Someone commented to me not long ago " You can't protect (her) from everything..." It stung initially. I felt slightly defensive, particularly on the subject at hand, but I knew they were (ew) sort of right. Already, in five years, my kid has had three major things happen that I had described as like having to stand by and watch an emotional train come at her and-do- nothing. The pain made me want to fight, but I knew I would be throwing punches at the air and all the energy I would expend would be better focused on taking care of myself and of her in ways within my control ...so that life during and after and between life's train wrecks would be not only bearable but strengthening. I cannot be a person I am not- trying would teach her to be ...ingenuine (lol I don't think that's a word) I cannot create an atmosphere where she learns that mistakes don't happen or are not acceptable (talk about an awful and insane way to grow up.)
You are an awesome dad! Great post!
Proverbial! When do they get to be full adults and be completely responsible for themselves? Just because they said so? LOL! Ask them to make a decision for you that effects you only! Scary how childish their decisions are, not just about you, but themselves. Maybe we never grow up, but just keep trying to be better than our parents and have more sooner? I guess that could be a good thing for each generation. This world could use a lot of improvement. Maybe our future generations will finally get it right! I know we didn't , although we like to think we worked hard at it, and gave our children a great life. Or is that the problem itself? We are trying to make this an unreal world for children today.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, even when you think you've put your kids first, it doesn't necessarily feel you've done the right thing by them. It certainly is not easy being a parent even when they are full adults and completely responsible for themselves.
I commented in your other article, but might as well do so here. I'm very blessed by your honesty, and your desire to be the best parent you can be despite the numerous slip-ups in the past.
Keep up the great work, Dan. You may not be perfect, but your heart is there. Frankly, (and sadly) that's already more than many dads I know. God bless you, man.
To the best of my ability, I put my two sons first as well. Perfection? LOL....So far from it. The ghost of Martha Stewart would turn in her grave (if she was dead...since she isn't...one glimpse around the house and it would put her there...). Most of the things I do with, for or to my sons is with a sense of doubt. The only thing that I know for sure is that in most cases what I need to do for them is NOT what others tell me I should be doing.
My boys are now 9 years old, and I can honestly say that there are not two people on the planet I would rather spend time with. I figured I would always love them, but I was not aware I would also like them so much.
I am sitting here on a typical Friday night...waiting to put them into bed and then go onto my date for the evening... my DVD player. It is kind of a steady thing...we have another date tomorrow night.
I wish there was a road map on how to do this thing right... or a cartidge I could load in with the right boy-input software.... bu there isn't.
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is model how adults are. Real adults - not those fake people portrayed on TV. We're not always perfect and we don't always do the right thing and even when we think we're putting our kids first and looking out for them well, sometimes it turns out we're not.
For me it was always more about being real with my kids than trying to be perfect. Noah's doing fine and so are you. Just keep writing that brilliant story of "your life" together :)
Heh, I understood from having kids myself that my parents thought considerably less of me than I do my kids.
Or be a child recipient of it.
Thank you Dan for always being open and honest- I love reading your posts!!
Thank you for this.... Today of all days I needed to read it. Single- parenthood sure can have its highs and lows, for sure
Yes he is and I definately say the same as my Dad use to say you pay for your raising when you raise your own. There is no way any person can comprehend how deep love is until you have a child of your own.
He is a beautiful boy!
Putting your child first doesn't mean you always make the right choices, because you (and I and everyone else) don't know everything yet. Hence, while I have spent the last 7 years doing EVERYTHING with only my childrens' best interest in mind, even at the expense of my own sanity, I sit here questioning every decision I have made because some have hurt them.. some have caused them pain.... some have caused me so much pain that they saw their mother go through things no child should have to. All because I was putting them first.But we can't have perfect parents. We can't be perfect parents. But when we really grow up, and have our own kids (and when ours grow up) we will all be able to say... we had the perfect parents for US. For us to become the people we needed to be, to learn the lessons we needed to learn and have the experiences we needed to have. I do believe that with all my heart.So, I keep making every decision I make trying my best to be sure it's what's best for those little people I'm in charge of.... right now that involves making some huge, really difficult decisions that could end with me very unhappy.. or them very unhappy.. I don't know. But I'm gonna do my best.
I can relate to this in a big way. Since my divorce, I have been raising my three kids alone. I wonder whether I make the right choices all the time. I have learned to put my children first in a whole new way. No more dating, nights with the boys, and no more hobbies. LOL I don't mind though, but I would be lying if I said it was an easy transition.
I too am waiting to see if the decisions I made will pay off for my kids in the future. So far, so good, but only time will tell.