Does Happiness Come from Within? I’m Not So Sure.

agree. I did this exercise long time ago, and found myself writing down 2 list, "times when I cry" and "times when i Smile". and the cry list sure did comes from within. The smile list, mostly when i interact with others. =)

keep up the good works,Dan!

Dan,

I agree that unhappiness comes from within....because you are constantly focusing on the negative. You are unhappy because you choose to be unhappy. I do believe it is a choice. Just as I believe happiness is a choice. All of us have things in our lives that are happy or unhappy, but it really is how you choose to think about and deal with those items that determine whether you will be happy or unhappy. For example, you can have a spouse that you love and married and some years later are completly annoyed by and are now unhappy. Has your spouse changed or has your thinking changed? Most likely your spouse has not changed, most likely this is something that you made a choice to ignore early on in your relationship and now you focus on it. And it makes you unhappy. Change your thoughts, focus on the positive things in your spouse, let the annoying habit go, and you can be happy.

This is why I also think that happiness comes from within. I do agree that happiness is affected by external factors such as going out with friends and such. But you must first be happy internally in order to be able to really enjoy the external factors. You can have a lifelong disease, such a Type 1 Diabetes, that totally affects the rest of your life and changes the way you live the rest of your life and still be happy. It is all on how you choose to think about it. Or you could totally let it bring you down and never really enjoy life again and be negative and unhappy. Depending on how you internally think about it will determine how you are affected by the external factors. If you are happy and dealing with it and focusing on the positives then you will enjoy hanging out with friends and will have a great time. If you are all negative and unhappy about your life situation, not only will you probably not have a good time hanging out with your friends, they will probably not have a good time hanging out with you. You will be all down on life and negative and that will show in everything you do and say.....and who wants to be around that?!

So, I do believe that happiness and unhappiness comes from within first. I do believe it is a choice. I do believe that sometimes you have to make tough decisions to turn your life around to be happy, such as quitting a job, getting divorced, or changing religions. But I also believe that sometimes you have to make a tough decision to change your thinking. Sometimes we are the ones in the way of our own happiness.

Sarah

I think, that happiness has to start from within first..otherwise all the other pieces won't really matter. they don't make for a lasting happiness. I'm truly content mostly happy since the beginning of the month. it's like i was slapped upside the head with a wake-up call. What makes me happy right now? Connecting to the divine and increasing my spirituality. My marriage is on the right track for the first time in at least 5 years. Creating jewelry with intent. Connecting more with my spiritual community. My little 'minions' randomly coming up and telling me "i love you" with great big hugs attached. The fact that i find my husband extremely attractive again. Finding magick in my everyday life. Starting my own buisness. Finding courage to take that leap of faith and taking it.

What was the cause of my sadness? Overly worring about my financial health (where's the money for the next bill, groceries, dr's visit gonna come from ..etc), fighting with my husband, not having the patience to deal with my ADHD child, not connecting with the divine, not following what i really wanted to be doing. trying hard to 'fit in' ..

this is a great post. it really makes you take time and examine what you want your life to be. thanks Dan!

My lists: Spending time with friends (meals, game nights, workouts, hikes, coffees) have added to my happiness. And feeling like I don't live up to other people's expectations of me, falling short, being judged for not being good enough - this has amplified my unhappiness. It took me some effort to write the lists, it is not comfortable to contemplate these things, but it is definitely worth it - I had no idea my lists were so close to what you described. It makes all standard "happiness is" -statements redundant and meaningless because you helped me see what happiness truly is in my own life!

Dan, Positive Psychology is a whole field devoted largely to the actual study of happiness: what it is, how we get it, how we can make ourselves happier, etc. You took on a huge subject here. One of the biggest things that influence our happiness is our feeling of control over our lives which come from the plans we set in place and the choices we make. Having goals makes us happy. Working towards them makes us happy. Keep up the good work!

I had a zen moment a few years ago. Friends of mine where discussing the old adage of how happiness is like the butterfly. You can chase the butterfly and have it avoid you at every turn or you can wait patiently for it to flit over to you and land ever-so-gently on your shoulder. Not content with either option, I wonder, "Why not just be the butterfly?"Happiness may be different for everyone, but everyone who wants it has to choose it.

What makes me happy.... my kids laughter, hugs, and success. Watching my son play sports... any sport as long as he is playing, triple venti white chocolate mochas from Starbucks, knowing I have raised to amazing children, my family and friends, my faith, my job, BOTOX, that I can pay my bills, being able to help my daughter while she is in college, the smell of rain, working out, yoga, meditation, painting (rooms)driving really fast, helping others, knowing that everything I do is because I want to and not because I have to.

What makes me unhappy..... gossip, the two negative jealous Nellies that work in my office, people who lie, that somedays my schedule is so hectic that I lose my patience, when I am too busy to work out, not enough sleep.

Are not these lists 'internal' lists! I still think happiness is what we make of it on a personal level, we can choose to do the things that make us happy, or choose to stay in the cycles that keep us unhappy. Sometimes happiness is simply making the best of what we're given, no matter how bad the situation. There is a bright side to every sad story, if you only know where and how to look for it.

What makes me happy?

My husband, my kids, being able to spend time working in their classrooms, knitting, being creative, blogging, spending time with friends, feeling connected to people.

What makes me unhappy?

Headaches. Feeling left out. Feeling less than. Letting myself get mired in what's wrong- I'm not clever enough or pretty enough or thin enough or a good enough housekeeper or a good enough mom or someone who people want to invite places as much as they invite other people. Then my husband tells me I need to BE the person they want to invite. Or I need to simply invite THEM.

My UNhappiness is usually fleeting, which is the good news. I never let my unhappiness swallow me whole.

http://troismommy.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/why-i-stop-firefighters-on-the-street/

I think happiness comes from both sides. But it really is about being true to yourself, doing whatever it is that makes you happy, not for anyone else. When we are truest to our selves, that is where we find the pure joy. You were unhappy before because you were doing thing that society/religion etc told you was supposed to make you happy. We all have the gift and ability to be everything we ever imagined, but we fear so much that we are magnificent. If you don't know Louis L. Hay yet (although I'm sure you do), I highly recommend reading anything by her or checking out her website. I have been so inspired by her to live a life for me and that is really is ok to do everything I want and be successful. It doesn't diminish anyone else because we all have the power to do so! You are on your journey Dan, and you should be proud of yourself. I am happier now in my life when I am being true exactly to my own ideas.

Didn't someone say, "happiness is not about having what you want, but rather wanting what you have." That sums it up for me.

@thelightsomelife I loved thinking about this. To your thoughts I would add that happiness is really all around us all the time. It is in nature, in the people we call our friends and family, it is in events, food, movement and so much more. I think when happiness seems to elude us, it is because we haven't made the choice to see it or even accept it. Happiness, in my humble opinion, is a choice that we make....it is already there just waiting to be tapped into.

True happiness comes from a good balance of dopamine and seratonin in your brain.

Even happiness has to start from within. What makes you happy, them happy and me happy are at least three different things and it depends on how you look at things on whether they'll make you happy or not. DYK that happiness is, in the relative scheme of things, the least studied of all the emotions out there? And that in itself is rather sad. You make a list of things that make you happy and things that make you unhappy. On the list of things that make you happy is maybe, your children. Today, they make you happy, you're so proud of them and what they might become in the future. Tomorrow? Tomorrow you're thinking about the friends they've made and what a bad influence they could be, thinking about college and how the heck are you going to pay for that?? So, while your children make you happy, thoughts of what might happen with them could make you unhappy. But, if you're taking the high road, you look for the silver lining and *that* is what comes from within.

Have you ever noticed how you might go to bed depressed about your life and how it's going? And amazingly enough, you wake in the morning with a fresh outlook and you're not depressed anymore. What happened? Did things magically change while you were sleeping? I somehow doubt that. It was more likely that the dream you don't even remember having made you feel better about things.

Most days that I'm depressed, I simply tell myself that it's time to buck up and do something about things you can change. It might take a while but I start by looking within for what I can do to make things better and it might include getting other people to help but within is where that happiness starts.

These are great, thought provoking topics, Dan! Thanks for posting these!!

I have always been of the Maslow's hierachy of needs school. What are you thoughts on this. This was a major discussion amongst family members who beleived that happieness is a choice.

Dan, I'm thoroughly enjoying this series of posts, and I'm with you every step. Next month I will celebrate 6 years of sobriety, and the program I use is Women For Sobriety's "New Life Acceptance Program," which contains 13 statements. Ever since I started reading your blog I've felt that you are tapping right into the wisdom this program encompasses. For example, the third statement states "Happiness is a a habit I will develop. Happiness is created, not waited for." I know that when I came to the program I read that and was hopefully doubtful. or doubtfully hopeful. ;-) I knew I wasn't happy. I also knew it wasn't my drinking that created that unhappiness. My drinking was a symptom of much deeper things, which included the belief that I would never have joy outside the church. Since I did not believe in the church anymore I figured that left me pretty much screwed. Isn't cognitive dissonance a funny thing? I didn't believe the gospel of the church, but I was holding on tight to the fear messages. Anyway, as I embarked on my journey of recovery I realized that I needed to let go of all those old beliefs that were holding me back and begin to embrace new ones. WFS to the rescue! :-) Here's the thing though. Happiness is not, nor will it ever be a stand alone thing. As you already wrote, Dan, happiness is a constellation of several different factors aligning. If I am constantly berating myself for being less than perfect, I will never know happiness. Those cancel each other out. If I do not live life with passion, I will never know happiness. If I hang on to the past and constantly pick at the scabs, I will never know happiness. Happiness is the thing we call the whole ball of wax when our lives, values and priorities are in alignment. I now think about happiness as a baseline emotion. I certainly have moments of great sadness, stress, anger, frustration, etc. Yet when I stop and check in with myself (you called it zooming out and I actually call it "The Art of the Zoom"), when I step away from my immediate feelings and situation I see that my life is a happy one. By my standards and mine alone. That's the another thing! Comparisonitis has NO PLACE in happiness. Sure we can emulate or admire, but once it becomes comparisons, we need to take some time and work on what has us feeling less than. I promise if you're drooling over your neighbors car in ways that make you feel like a loser, it isn't about the car! If you are seeking happiness with a "when, then" attitude, you're doing it wrong. "When I have $20K in savings, then I'll be happy." "When I meet the right peson, then I'll be happy." "When my boss dies in a horrible car accident, then I'll be happy." Lies. Total lies and self-delusion. Happiness is created, not waited for. I'm creating something quite beautiful over here. <3

Have you read "The Happiness Hypothesis" by Jonathan Haidt? I think you'd find it interesting.

Here's a video of the author talking about the book: http://www.aifestival.org/session/psychology-happiness

"If we look at the evidence, happiness is finding a balance of internal peace, contentment, joy, love, and dedication at the same time that you’re getting your physical, social, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs met" I truly think that this may be one of the best definitions of happiness that I have ever come across. I truly believe that happiness is more about your own reactions to your surroundings (and environmental factors) than anything else. Plenty of things can happen that can make you unhappy at that point, but it is how you deal with them, how you react to them, what you tell yourself about the situation that determines whether it is an unhappy moment in a happy life or an unhappy life.

Great post, Dan! Such a complex, yet simple topic. People go about their whole lives searching for this thing called happiness, but so many fail to find it. I think I agree with the people who say that happiness is a choice, but then again, so is unhappiness. People CAN be happy no matter their circumstance. While external sources may contribute, I have learned that it is not the main determinant of whether you are happy or not. I used to be one of those people who depended on those external factors to make me happy. It took me many years to learn that my happiness depends on me, not other things or people.While my life isn't exactly where I want it to be right now, I have learned to change my perspective positively. I am trying to choose to learn from my experiences and love it. When your negative circumstances are out of your control, I think attitude is key.

Happiness and sadness and all other emotions are fleeting states. We tell ourselves stories about them. Oh, my child made me angry, my husband made me sad, my friend made me happy and on and on with the stories we tell ourselves. (I"m channelling Bryon Katie now. I love Bryon Katie and her 4 questions with THE WORK. I highly recommend it to everyone.).

It's all true and none of it is true. No one, not even yourself, really makes you feel anything. If you just wait five minutes, an hour, a day, your feelings change. Even toward the event that triggered the orginal emotion.

But we believe when we feel an emotion we are stuck that way. We will always feel that way and if it's a negative emotion we should fix it as soon as possible. If it's a positive emotion, we aren't content, we are waiting for it to end. We also tell ourselves stories about what type of person an emotion makes us. We find ourselves unable to change direction.We believe our thoughts and our emotions. IT's all just a story we tell ourselves, that events around us are good or bad.

Some other commenters wrote about "choosing to be happy", I don't think we really choose our emotions. They just are there. They change frequently if you view them a little more objectively. You don't have to get stuck in happiness or sadness or anger. You can detach yourself a little and go "Hey, all this stuff is going wrong in my life. And I'm feel really crappy about it right now." and then you cry and rage and throw a tantrum. And after you finish that, you realize that supper isn't going to make itself and you go make supper and you gain a little perspective on the situation and you come up with an action plan and you start to feel a little empowered about the whole thing. And once you are out of the situation, you look back and wonder why you were so upset in the first place.

Depending on what situation I'm thinking about I can conjure emotions in my body. I can think about something really crappy that people have said to me and get really down on myself. Or I can think about how much my husband loves me, or how it feels to snuggle my face into the crook of my youngest child's neck and feel pure joy. I can think about when my elder child finished fifth in the school wide spelling bee, or how it felt to finish my first novel and I feel pride.

And that's all I have to say about that ....

Dan, very good post today. I think in life most people would put family friends their kids and things like that on their happy list. I think a lore more people like to admit their job would be on the other list. I mean if we could we would love to spend more time with our loved ones and not working a job, or in mine and other cases 1.5 jobs... But one of the best things about being human is the fact that we are all different and all have out own opinions and are creative in our own ways.

Happiness... Weather it lies from within or found around us is a something we will all ponder, but i do feel if we wake up wanting to be happy we most likely will be, and if we wake up mad or in a bad mood the that pretty much sets the sage. No matter how much is on your plate always remember life is a gift and we all got that one in a million chance to live it... So take each day as that gift...

I read this earlier today and pondered what my list would look like and everything that makes me happy is entwined with being a Mother. My kids make me happy! Doing things with them, for them, watching them grow into fine young people. I was told just a few weeks ago that I have wasted my life because I have been a stay at home Mom for 16 years and gave up collage and a career. At first I was angry when They said that but I got the biggest smile on my face and replied," I hope my children have kids so I can waste my life all over again because I have love ever minute!" I have never know such happiness like the joy I feel being a Mother, it has been my calling and if others don't understand well that's OK .

Now that I've read the whole post...

Very, very interesting way of looking at it, Dan. I think for me, the way I've always tried to look at the "happiness comes from within" spiel is that if you know something is making you unhappy and can change it but don't, then the unhappiness you're suffering is your own fault. Of course, if it's something you can't change, then it's a little trickier. I know some people would say that there's nothing you can't change if you just have the courage to take the plunge, but I'm not sure it's always that black and white.

Your saying that "unhappiness always comes from within" hits a bad nerve with me, I must admit, but I suspect that's from all the times I've heard that "No matter what crap situation you're in, you can CHOOSE to be happy". I just can't believe that. Or maybe I can - if you have enough denial of self and lack of self-esteem, you probably can make yourself at least believe you're happy in all sorts of dreadful situations. That doesn't mean that it's healthy nor good.

I've got a bunch more thoughts and ideas on this, but it's all getting tangled up in my head and not making a great deal of sense, so I think I'll stop here for now and maybe come back when I've had more of a chance to mull over it. :)

This is the topic that I singled out from your original list. I feel that happiness is a choice, but that choice requires commitment...or effort. My lists, personally, would mirror yours almost completely. I would only add that your un-happiness list hit home to a deeper degree than I have ever admitted to myself. While I can say that I'm a happy-go-lucky guy, and people always ask what I'm grinning about, the unhappiness is always there, just buried below the surface. The pressure to please everyone but me.

I decided in November that 2012 would be the year of Happiness, and have already begun to make changes to support that. My boss talked to me as if I were a very very bad puppy for two years. As of last Friday, she is no longer my boss! I am blessed (especially in this economy) to have several offers to choose from. He helps those who help themselves...all I had to do was take the leap of faith that lands me on the road to happiness.

I took care of my father, who was blind and suffered from dementia, until his passing 2 years ago. I've spent this past 2 years caring for my mama (that's how we spell it) who is also special needs. This Spring she will move in to live with my sister and her family, which will be a richer experience for her. I'm happy to have had this time with them, and I will be happy to know that I did the right thing, but it has been a lot of pressure. When someone is on oxygen, yet cannot see what they are doing, there is no going out with friends after work...

I want her to be happy at my sister's place. I want my sister to be happy that she is there. I want to be happy this year, and it will be up to me to make that happen.

PS-your list just mirrors mine, man.