Last night I went on a first date with a, umm…. very *interesting* girl. It was the first time I’ve been on a first date where I ended up bleeding profusely from my face while she stood over me laughing maniacally. I’m just thankful I survived to tell the tale.
I met this girl on Match. Months ago. And for some reason our emails to each other were always several weeks apart. Eventually we talked enough crap about who could win at the batting cages that we decided a date was more or less necessary. To satisfy our own egos if nothing else.
Don’t ask me how, but before we ever met, we ended up betting a private jet ride to Cancun for the weekend on whoever connected with the most pitches. I don’t think either of us can afford that, so whenever we do get around to settling the score, things may get awkward.
Anyway, we went out for sushi.
SIDENOTE: The older I get, the more a love for all things sushi becomes an incredibly important requirement for somebody to be soul mate material. In case my soul mate is out there taking notes.
And there we were at Tsunami, my favorite sushi restaurant simply because it’s the only one close by. The first thing I noticed was how hungry she was. She ordered not just one, but two of the most deluxe, most expensive, most-laced-with-gold sushi rolls ever. And a giant bowl of edamame.
“You must be hungry,” I giggled nervously as I studied the menu for something tiny to offset her extreme appetite.
“So, you’re profile says you’re into yoga,” she said right after she’d ordered.
I looked down at my sucked-in fat belly that was bulging over my pants. “Uhhh, hmmm, ummm, yeah… I did Bikram yoga a few times and loved it.” I had no idea how into yoga she was at that point. “But it doesn’t say ‘into it.’ It says I liked it. Cause I did like it. And I wanna look trendy and cool to the ladies.”
I wasn’t impressing her.
I buried my nose back in my menu, searching for something that would now both offset her order and make me a skinny yoga guy by the end of the night.
“I’ll take some Splenda packets,” I told the waitress. Wrapped in seaweed. If the seaweed is free.”
“Not too hungry tonight?” My date started laughing.
I looked down at my bulging muffin top again. For some reason it wasn’t getting any smaller since the last time I looked. I was starving to death.
“Nope, not much appetite.”