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I’m debating between two tough life choices right now. Go give Buddha a bath, or throw this ad up onto the local classifieds…

FOR BORROW: One Disgusting Dog

For anybody who’s interested, I have an English Bulldog who I’d be happy to lend out to you for a few hours. Please read the fine print below.

And because I believe in full disclosure, here is a list of things you need to know might find endearing about old Buddha.

  • I haven’t bathed him in three weeks. Maybe four. Normally this isn’t a huge problem, but being that it’s winter, he keeps going outside in the snow, getting wet, then coming back in to thaw. To touch him is to love him. I’d liken it to touching laundry that was left wet in the washing machine for a week.
  • He stinks right now worse than I’ve ever smelled him. I’d liken it to a stairwell full of ferrets.
  • His farts are worse than usual for some reason. Much worse. Could be that I’ve been giving him all the cheddar cheese from my Costco super-cheese-pack. And when I say worse than usual, I mean that he has the ability to clear the entire room with one tiny puff. I’d liken it to tear gas.
  • He belches. Like a human who just chugged a liter or three of root beer.
  • He smears. Keep an eye on your legs. All he’ll do is walk by and you’ll be left with a giant, shiny, silver smear across what used to be clean pants. I’d liken it to the smears that come from children’s snotty noses. Only worse.
  • He drips. If he sees food, if he smells food, if he hears a bag crinkle, if he sees you eating… make sure you don’t have bare feet because he salivates and drips it wherever he goes. I’d liken it to putting your foot under an overworking juicer.
  • He drools. If he’s been chewing on his toys or playing tug-of-war, you can bet he’ll have some long strands of nasty something dangling from his jowls. Have you seen the slobbery Bulldog on Rio? That’s what it’s like. But less cartoony.
  • He licks his paws like crazy. Always has. He does not like excess dirt or debris on his paws, so after he goes outside, he spends the next hour licking himself perfectly clean. The act isn’t so bad as the sound. I’d liken it to a 100 year old toothless man with severe dry mouth who has a Starburst stuck in his cheek.
  • About three times a day he starts dry heaving like he’s gonna puke all over the place. Then he swallows and it’s done. I’d liken it to… well… a Bulldog dry heaving and swallowing.
  • He sheds. A little. Just enough that the hair gets all over everything. I’d liken our floor to the floor of a discount hair salon.

FINE PRINT:

All I ask is that you bring him back a *little* bit cleaner than you took him. Choose a limb, maybe, and scrub it down. I figure if I can get six or seven people to borrow the old boy, he’ll get a full bath between the lot of them and I’ll be off the hook.

Also, you should know right now that he will do anything for a hotdog. This includes backflips and salsa dancing.

Ugh.

Fine.

I’ll go give him a bath.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. As much as I love my dog and you love your dog, what does he/she do that’s disgusting? 🙂 Do you find that your dog is a little more disgusting in the wintertime? Or do you have one of those cute dogs that’s never disgusting at all?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!