This is Chapter 23 of my book The Real Dad Rules, and while written to Dads, certainly can apply to parents of either gender. >>
I have made it a point not to use any charts, scientific studies, or graphs in this book. I have always believed that dads are real dads because they truly want the best for their children in every realm of life, not because some statistic tells them it’s the right thing to do. They want their children to be healthy while they’re young, and they want to offer their children the best possibility for health and success in their lives as adults as well. A real dad doesn’t need figures and bar charts helping him pick and choose “acceptable risks” for his child. He knows that his child has the ability to land on either side of any statistic, and so he strives to take care of his child in every way that he can, thus maximizing his child’s ability to live a full and a happy life.
And as important as the health and happiness of his child is, a real dad makes sure to take care of himself too. He knows that he will seriously lack in his ability as a father if he doesn’t take the time to make sure he himself is doing all right. He knows that he will never parent to his highest potential so long as areas of health in his own life are dragging him down.
But what does it actually mean to be healthy as a dad? So often, when we I think of health, I think only of my physical health. I often forget that there are several areas of health that I must continually work to maintain if I am going to be the best father I can be.
Two or so years ago, our marriage counselor was laboring to teach me what she called the five areas of health. She drew the following diagram on her whiteboard, and I quickly scribbled it into my notebook. When I got home that day, I ripped it out and pinned it up on the wall next to my computer where I would constantly see it and constantly be reminded that there was much more to health than doing push-ups or jumping jacks. I’ve kept it there ever since and have looked at it at least daily. It is the only visual I will use in this book, and I share it because it has really helped to remind me of a very poignant reality.
I inserted the title of “REAL DAD” where my counselor originally had it labeled “total health.” Any time a father is concerned about his total health and not just one or two areas of it, he becomes a real dad almost naturally. Keeping the Real Dad Rules becomes simple for him and ultimately takes much less effort. He is able to perform his fatherly duties with ease because he does not struggle nearly as often with the weight of his own problems and worries.
The easiest area of health to understand for most dads is physical health, though it is often one of the hardest for many fathers to keep on top of. Many dads struggle to find the time or the motivation to exercise on a consistent basis. The stresses and pressures of work, chores, and family often leave a man feeling that there is no time for himself.
I know that for me personally, making sure I stay physically fit is challenging. Setting aside time for the gym or to schedule a game of racquetball with my friends often becomes a last priority for me. I sometimes see my time as too valuable to waste sweating to death on an elliptical machine. I’d much rather work on something I’m writing, play a game with Noah, or decompress in front of the television for an hour or so.
Yet, without fail, the further I get away from proper physical health, the more unbalanced I begin to feel. I begin feeling less confident in myself, and I find myself more irritable and short-tempered with Noah. Each day I look at the total health diagram, frustrated at myself until one day I just make time. I load up my iPod with something that I’ve been wanting to watch, and I force myself to go to the gym. It takes such little time to make exercise habit, and after only a week or two, I find myself unable to do without it, at least until life makes it convenient to give up again.
The reality I’ve had to accept is that exercise for me will always be a challenge. There will always be times when life gets in the way and I fall off the wagon completely. I’ve had to learn that I don’t have to be super-slender or extra-muscular to be healthy. I just have to get myself moving and sweating two or three times every week.
Real dads understand the same. While some fathers are able to exercise daily and never miss the opportunity, the vast majority of fathers find themselves struggling through the dips as often as I do. They do well to squeeze out a couple workouts every week, and they are okay with the fact that they’ll never be on the cover of a men’s fitness magazine. At the same time, they do not let themselves go completely. If they have crossed the line with their physical health, they work until they have fixed it. They understand that the ability to be there for their children might not be theirs at all if they live such unhealthy lives that early death might come looking for them.
And as important as being physically in-shape is, it is only one part of what real dads must do to be physically healthy.
Real dads are careful with what they put into their bodies. They do not let themselves be defined with addictions that make physical health impossible. A father who is a slave to cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol not only puts his own life at risk, he teaches his child that his body is worthless, and that the value of health is minimal. A real dad who has addictions, works until he is in control of them. He does not let his addictions control him or his ability to parent.
Continued on next page.
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KeelyShiraki
I love this. I was once told that in addition to these 5 aspects of individual health, there are an additional 2 areas that, when added create a balanced life. These are Financial and Family. Take each of these 7 and identify them as a spoke on a wagon wheel. Each spoke has 10 notches. Rate how you feel you are doing in each area on a scale of 1 to 10. Take a look at where each mark is. Are you balanced? Are you at a 10 financially but at a 2 with your family? Or are you struggling to reach a 4 socially while you are at an 8 spiritually? Connect each of your ratings in a circle. Do you actually have a circle? Or is your wheel a little misshapen? How often do we blame the road when in reality it is our wheel that needs to be fixed?
Stormyz Mom
KeelyShiraki
I should have read your comment before I added mine.
LindaR
Definitely applies to both Momma & Dada -- I think I need a check up.
This was very good and it applies to both moms and dads.
zedseverywhere
Yet another inspiring and very informative post dan. I swear, when I have kids I am using all your parenting tips!
crosini1
Dan, great post. Looking at that picture everyday would be a great way to keep your self in balance. Physical is hard, we are stressed out, busy we eat fast we don't take enough time to go outside. I live in NY (not the city for those who think NY is only NYC. ITS NOT!) So come winter you have to get to the gym or go outside and snowboard or something. But all the other levels are so just as important.
I feel that yes charts and data in good and important but you didn't have to have it all showing in your blog, or book or whatever... Who care's all the time about a bunch of excel sheets filled with numbers that make you dizzy. You said it right, real dads are dads that want what's best for their children. Excellently put! Well i think this post was very well said. The visual is an awesome touch as well..
Keep up the good work.
Singleguywkids
Since my life as a single parent began, I have been forced into constant reflection of my own habits and the way I want my children to learn from my examples.
I enjoyed seeing the chart with the five parts of health and I think that it makes sense. Where one thing is lacking, the others suffer. So now I am off to join a gym, a church, get into group therapy, find some friends and cook healthier lol
Seriously, I must work on that physical aspect and like you mentioned, some other things may fall into place or at least be a bit easier like better sleep and energy. Thanks for the visual. It is definitely something to consider as I am always trying to be a better dad than I was the day before.
madderakka
I agree with a lot of this, but sometimes I think that the 'Real Dads' tagline is becoming a bit preachy. What is inherently wrong with using charts and percentages to make decisions? Some things require research such as vaccinations, surgery risks and many others. There are a lot of decisions that I have researched into exhaustion because a simple 'My cousin's brother's grandma twice removed did it and survived' isn't enough. Without those bar graphs we wouldn't have mandated car seats or bicycle helmets that have saved so many lives. Yes, you often have to go with your gut feelings, but sometimes you really need those numbers to make the best decision.
vamaxam
madderakka I agree about the preachiness and the charts. As long as you don't let them tell you how to live by controlling every aspect of your parenting, charts etc have their benefits. They have given me more confidence as a parent, because I feel more informed.
PamThomasParker
This goes for moms too. As a single mom of two boys I have stuggled the past three years with any and all of these areas. The uncanny thing is I developed my personal "Wellbeing Initiative 2012" to be intentional this year in improving the following areas: spiritual, mental, physical, financial, social, community, and environmental (micro scale - home). Small changes across the boards are already have had impacts. This wasn't a resolution. It was an intentional action plan to improve the wellbeing of myself and my boys. I have the entire year to work on each area, so there is no pressure to have it all perfect from the start.
Conversation from Facebook
Nicole Phillips Heller
For me it's mental/emotional health. I tend to beat myself up unnecessarily on a daily basis. In my mind I'm always doing something wrong . . . a syptom of my disasterous childhood surely. I've worked with counselors and talked to friends (including my incredible husband) - as well as journaled . . but the bottom line is that no one can get past this for me. I'm still missing that magic "ah-ha" moment I need to stop torturing myself for every single imperfection.
I work dilligently NOT to make this an issue in my son's life. I don't want him constantly striving for some unattainable perfection like I do. This would be much easier if I could just let it go for myself!
*sigh*
Natalie Smith
I used to struggle with it all until I decided a year ago that I count too and now I run regularly, eat healthily and play hard!!lol I enjoy spending time with my kiddies and the most important thing for me is realizing just how proud my kiddies are of me and my racing! I didn´t realize that taking care of me would make others so proud!
Lori Brett
I want to say physical but I don 't usually let my overweight/ high cholesterol self be stopped from hiking or other such activities. So honestly I must admit Spiritually. I know who I am in Christ but tend to shy away from assembling myself with other believers. In the process my children's spirituality suffers.
Melanie Langford
I constantly struggle with the social. I don't allow myself time away especially since I work full time I always feel like my time should go to my two kids. I am finally starting to understand that it is ok to have time to take care if mommy cuz when I am happier they are both happier. This has been difficult to overcome so we'll see how dating again and friends will work out battling my mom guilt :) great post!
Jennifer Ann Mortenson
As the old saying goes, you can't feed anyone from an empty bowl. Allow yourself to be filled with health, love and light and teach those around you to do the same. Self care is an important thing to teach your children, the best way is to lead by example.
Nicole Phillips Heller
The thing is - "me time" is different for everyone. There are people who DO need to get away from time to time and, obviously, there are people who don't. Parenting and family life is not a "one size fits all" sort of deal. You need to do what works for you and your family and not make others feel badly because their way of dealing with family is different than yours.
Melissa Martineau
I went from having 4 kids to having 9 kids when I got married last year. Talk about a life change! You really do have to take care of yourself , but I think health wise is the key. If you aren't healthy then everything else suffers including your kids. If you aren't mentally the best you can be and physically the best that you can be, then you aren't able to give your all to your family.
Ruth Randall-Winn
thanks for the reminder Caren. I've been trying to remind myself of that more often - especially when I feel the need for adult/intellectual conversation.
Jennifer Houston Thomas
Caren, I love what you said. I agree. :) My 'me time' is taking a long bath. And that's about it. But I don't mind. Like you said, the time dedicated to them is really so short in the scheme of things.
Melanie Langford
So true! I have finally learned to overcome the mom guilt of taking care of me to take better care of my two kids.
Caren Knox
The prevailing belief (and practice) that "you have to have time away from your kids" damaged the relationship I have with my kids more than just about anything else. I would feel angsty and unsettled, and would think, "I need ME time!", and find a way to get that. The thing is, the me time was never quite enough, or if it felt like enough, then next time that feeling came up, which began to be more and more often, I would look for a way to get away from my kids.
I've since learned when that feeling comes up to move *toward* my kids, giving them myself, my presence, fully and heartily and full-heartedly. Guess what? No more angsty, unsettled feeling -- or, very, very rarely, anyway.
I've been thinking about deep connection and full presence, and how so much of our culture pushes *against* that concept. I used to believe that, in order to give my kids my full presence, I needed time away in order to "recharge", "find my SELF", etc. Especially as an introvert! "I NEED time aloooone!" But I found that instead of my full, unadulterated presence in the times I was with my kids, I would be truly with them for a bit, then would be thinking about the next time I could "get away".
Since beginning the practice of moving toward my kids, being really HERE more, I have found a depth of connection I didn't believe was possible. I like my kids, I like spending time with them. They are my favorite people on the planet. Being with them feeds the parts of me I used to believe could only be fed doing "me time".
At one point, I wouldn't have believed these words, or I would have dismissed them, thinking they were written by some kind of Stepford mom, with no life of her own. I am SO SO grateful I found this path, the path of connection and being together. The time they need me so intensely is short, a blink of an eye. My guys are 19 and a week away from 13 now, and I'm grateful for every single minute we've spent together -- and regret ever falling into the false promise of "me time".
I am a whole person, I have many interests outside of home and parenting - I feed those passions as I'm able, AND my kids come first, because the time they need to come first is brief, and the payoff, in relationship, connection, trust, and joy, is HUGE.
Amy Bradley
Funny you should ask- I'm struggling with appreciating my own "self" for all I have accomplished; I struggle with how to teach my children self love/ honor everyday, because it is so very hard for me. All I can do is move forward, no matter the size of my steps.
Melanie Sanders Johnson
Definitely Social. Who has time!? I'm lucky to get the gym in 3-4 times a week - and when they are with Dad - I have to get everything done I can't do while they are here. Stinks.
Shonda Lucas
as a single mom I totally needed this!!!
Sarah Anderson
I struggle most with the social. I love going out but just dont make it a priority. Something to work on for this year!
Sarah Stoneberg Humpherys
I hate saying this, but I think my family struggles w. all of those areas in one way or another.
Veronica Bulger
I really like the flower diagram, simple and to the point, it makes a great visual reminder. This article reminds me a little of the book we picked up for our daughter, The 7 Habits of Happy Kids (which is also applicable to adults). I love the tree poster that illustrates the 7 habits,
http://www.theleaderinme.org/resources/7-habits-posters
Elise Loomis
For me the Physical has crashed and burned with chronic illness since 1998, and that's seriously unbalanced and destroyed the other circles too. Finally getting some medical help these past couple of years but still a long way to go. Finding the right doctors for mystery illnesses that leave me housebound is frustrating.
Melanie Sanders Johnson
Amen!!
Anne Parks
Just like one of the first rules in diving. You can't save anyone if you don't take care of yourself.
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I think you need one more area of health - financial health. Real parents budget and plan for the future of their children and spouse. You don't have to be rich but you have to make sure your family is well cared for. If this area is overlooked, it will be hard to have emotional health due to the worry.
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