Last week I published Whose Life is it Anyway, a post that covered a smorgasbord of complicated life dynamics centered around the ever-complicated theme of happiness.
The aftermath of that post has been completely different than anything I’ve ever published. The traffic was through the roof. Interestingly though, the share counts were low, and so were the comments (in relation to the traffic). I also received more emails in the first few days of that post than I ever have before.
And maybe that doesn’t mean anything to most of you, but I live and breathe this blog. I keep my ear to the tracks here. And because there is generally a lot of traffic on SDL, things are measurable. Major differences in the way things happen usually mean a significant change in dynamic is going on.
In this case, the question is what?
Based on all the emails and comments I have received, I have my theories.
But even more than that, I realize that there are a lot of dynamics to this that still need to be discussed.
The Happiness Dynamic, as I’ll be calling it, is something that I’ve spent most of my life contemplating and thinking about. I don’t have all the answers, but I sure have fallen down a lot in the attempt to find them. I’ve also always gotten back up and learned a few things every time I did.
And so, I want to have a discussion with you over the next ten weekdays about this (hopefully starting tonight). I originally thought I could sit down and write a single follow-up post, but when I started listing out all of the dynamics I wanted to discuss, I realized that clumping it all together would be impossible.
I hope you’ll all get in on the discussion. Everyone benefits so much when we get to hear the insight of others, whether we agree or disagree, and let’s be honest… each of you have learned a thing or two about happiness (or lack thereof) as well.
Right now, these are the posts I’ll be writing, though don’t hold me to the titles (and definitely not the order).
- Are You the Common Denominator of Unhappiness?
- Does Happiness Really Come from Within?
- Selfishness vs. Self-Care
- When Something I Write Brings Heavy Consequences
- Wanna Lower the Divorce Rate? Here’s an Idea.
- The Two (Very Different) Kinds of People in Religion
- The “Fearful Sharing” Phenomenon
- Are You Making it Impossible for Others to be Happy?
- That Damn Family Pressure
- Why are the People You Love Telling Me their Secrets instead of You?
Wow, I better get writing.
Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll post at least a couple lighter/funnier posts as well as Beautiful You throughout. I don’t want things getting too heavy around here.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Are there any other big “happiness dynamics” that you think really need to be covered? Do you think this will be a helpful conversation? Which title above stands out to you as super important?
How about something on the 1) 'Happiness Trap' like Russ Harris writes about, or how 2) how to remain miserable and ..... 3) NEEDS vs wants, e.g. too much stuff makes us unhappy and modern life breeds the 'need' for too much stuff we don't need, finally 4) love vs money = time & support vs being a commodity.
Dan, one of the reasons I follow your blog, is that you take it seriously. You take US seriously... and somehow, in your life, you always find a way to address OUR problems and you GENUINELY care about people. Just look at what you're doing! You basically took a bunch of emails... a lack of comments... and the presence of mind to know that something bigger was going on here... and are A) going to help hundreds, maybe thousands of people... STRANGERS even... with their problems, B) turn it into a bloggosphere of awesome, and C) Change the world.
There are very few people in the world that care enough about people in general to take on such a task. There are few who care enough to even notice that something needs attention. We need more of you in the world.So, yeah... "and this is all true."
Did I REALLY just use 'bloggosphere' ...? I need to get off the internet for a while.
I'm looking forward to these! I've written about a lot of those topics myself... Trying to find my own way through this crazy life... My favorite thing in the whole world is discussions with others trying to do the same thing. It makes me feel alive! And I also know I have a LOT to learn.
Awesome....waiting for Selfishness vs. Self-Care!!! @sandeep peters
I really look forward to this series Dan. I am especially interested in your thoughts about #1, #5 & #6 and the comments that will follow. Thank you!
It's great to see you exploring this! A couple years ago I had the chance to study positive psychology under Robert Biswas-Deiner, whose father pretty much invented the field. It really was life changing. The idea that we could actually study happiness is pretty revolutionary for some reason, but we're already learning some awesome things about it, including how to cultivate it in our lives. They are coming out with a new movie called "Happy" that I haven't seen but am excited about and recommend to anyone interested in this kind of thing. Also, the University of Pennsylvania has an Authentic Happiness website where you can register and take free surveys for research purposes. My favorite is the VIA Survey of Character Strengths, which helps you identify your top strengths and makes you feel good about yourself :) I recommend it to all my friends. I'm not associated with any of these projects or anything, I just think they're super important and that access to the information can help you live a more fulfilled life. I'm looking forward to this series and the discussion that it's sure to bring. Happy day, all!
I can't wait! Thank you Dan!
Here's a possibility, what about "common things that lead to an unhappy life"?
I read through everyone's posts and I still feel the most relevant topic is number 2....does happiness really come from within. I've been through many losses, including my own infant son, father, grandmothers. I've been as low as low can be after I said goodbye to my baby as I held him for the first and last time. The minutes, days, months, and a couple years to follow I felt nothing but sadness. Deep despair. There was no happiness in my heart or soul. What was there to live for...yet, something deep within me kept me going. It took me much soul searching to deal with all my emotions. What it came down to was a choice. I could choose to live and be happy for myself and for my son, for that is what he wants. Or I could choose to be miserable and wallow in my despair. Don't get me wrong. I still have my days where the tears fall and I miss my son EVERYDAY I open my eyes and EVERY NIGHT I close them. BUT, I TRY to take each moment in my life for all that it is. I try to enjoy what I'm given. No, I'm not the annoying optimistic. No, I'm not the perfect parent, nor do I want to be. But I am very aware that it is up to me whether I will be happy in my life or wallow in sadness. (and as I read from another post, this does NOT touch on chemical inbalances. those are very real and very serious conditions that require medical help. I would never expect someone with medical depression to just chose a different path on their own. That is asking too much.)
As someone who had to cut a father figure from my life, I really related to your "Whose Life" post. Thanks for putting that out there! I look forward to the selfishness vs. self-care post, because that's one I feel very strongly about, and that people OFTEN guilt-dump about.
looking forward to read them :)
I think it's also helpful if a person takes the time to truly think about what would make him/her happy. If the elements of that list involve having tons of money, sex, booze, etc., I imagine that person needs to dig a little deeper because none of those things will make us happy in the long run. Being happy is such an individual thing, and we can't get on the right path toward happiness if we can't define what that actually means for us.
Does happiness really come from within? OR does your environment and people in your life bring U happiness?
Funny you should bring this 10 day challenge now :D I just finished reading a remarkable self-help book about humor in every day life, and how to find humor in everything. Humor doesn't necessarily equal happiness, but without humor, happiness would be very difficult indeed. I'm looking forward to all of them, but I'm particularly curious to hear your ideas about marriage and divorce.
@Mimissis I would really like to know the name of this remarkable self-help book about humor in everyday life. Please could you share the title. I would love to read it. It is close to something I've been trying to do for myself is find the positive in everyday events...
I'm particularly looking forward to "Selfishness vs. Self-Care".
Cant wait to continue reading and commenting
Excited to read:-)
It goes along with what you said about some people don't even realize they are unhappy.
I think being aware of our own errors in thinking is along the path to happiness. I know when I stopped judging other people and let go of my own idea of "perfection," it set me free...
I am very eager to read all of these, but especially topics 2 and 3 (I can REALLY relate to those right now). I'm going to extend Jane Cavanaugh Smith's additional dynamic though: "Stop taking life so seriously- learn to laugh and try to determine which things are truly worth fighting over."
Happiness dynamics should really contain a section on health/diet as it relates to physical and mental well being, Dan.
I'm really looking forward to these posts. Out of your list above, I really like the one about selfishness vs. self care. It's one of those things which has a fine line and is also hard to wrap our own heads around. My personal struggle with this one is that I used to be one of those perpetual people pleasers...you know the ones...hardly ever say no to any request. When illness and a car accident struck it was difficult even for me to learn that I was not being selfish by not granting every wish. Then there were the other people in my life, many of whom are no longer in it because once the favors dried up, so did the relationships. At the time it was painful, but now it is something I'm grateful for because the people who are in my life now are there just because they want to be and I want them in it.
One life dynamic which has become really important in my life is that the energy we put out there is the energy we get back. Even the self talk and thoughts we focus on make a huge difference in what happens. When we are always using the words can't and don't, that's exactly what we get...usually. :)
Can't wait to read these Dan. It's time for my happiness to get an overhaul!
UN-Happiness... just a ditch to pull yourself out of, or is it a medical/chemical issue?
Just thought that this may be included in your discussion. Many of us function and the unhappiness ditch we fall into, we can generally pull ourselves out of. However, as time progresses and it seems the unhappiness turns to depression and gets more difficult to pull out of, many are afraid to seek medical help because they think it's just a funk they should be able to pull themselves out of. I know, I became a 'functional' depressive, meaning that I would do the absolute minimum to get through the day... shower, go to work, put on the false happy face, come home and feel more drained and even worse when I got home and not do anything. I'm on meds now and I'm feeling better, but I can now see more clearly those things in my life that needs to change so that I can truly be happy again. Just thought I'd start the conversation on it.
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@deleted_2131978_Sarah Mickalson Bipolar... that is an animal I have not had to deal with, well not the bipolar most think about. I applaud you for marrying him not once, but twice. You knew there was a problem, but unfortunately he could not face his own issues or his own humanity in the situation. From my understanding, with most bipolars, it's difficult to keep them on their meds even when they know there is an issue because the meds make them feel off. I'm actually diagnosed as bipolar II, which is not to the extremes that a bipolar goes into, but I have my highs and lows too.
I find it infuriating that your husbands family wants to blame you, instead of accepting the responsibility they had in his life too. Maybe if they had been willing to take a united front with you and approach him and ask that he at least seek medical advice, he would still be here today. To play the blame game now only hurts you and your children.
@b1empath I'm so totally with you there. I think this is an important thing to think about when looking at happiness and our ability to be happy. Especially since there is still a sort of social stigma around depression, despite how prevalent it is these days - people who've never been there (and even some who have, or who are there now) dismiss it as something you have a choice about and if only you'd *choose* not to be depressed you'd be fine.
People like that make me want to punch them in the face, but depression leaves me too apathetic to do anything about it.
@BlackCat People who have never been there cannot understand it and it was a long time before I even understood it about myself. Some of my issues are physical that affected my mental state too, but some are mental issues too. When you talk about it with friends and family, they're supportive, but when it comes to the actions of really being supportive, it's more difficult. We all have busy lives and if they don't hear from you for a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months, they don't think about it or how you may be dealing with your issues. I luckily have a sister who talks to me regularly and helped me without even knowing that she was.
@b1empath Yeah, there's a difference in support through words and support through actually being supportive when and where it counts. Fantastic that you have someone who helps you like that not because they're trying to help but just because they want to stay in touch with you. Sometimes that helps more than anything else possibly could. *hugs*
Looking forward to this!!
I'm kind of curious about the family dynamic when you purposely cut ties with family members. I won't go into my reasons why, but I don't visit with or call my family. Not sure it would fit into the blogs you have planned, but I'm curious anyway. I do know that since I have decided to live my life my way and not let them influence my decisions and cut those ties I am happier than I have every been before.
@Terowl Teresa, I have a large family, three brothers and three sisters, and the dynamics are amazing. There are two that I can spend inordinate amounts of time with and never be bothered and others, I can be in the room for all of two minutes before I feel like I want to punch them. And the others, I can either take or leave. But I do have to say that Facebook has helped in keeping apprised of everyone without having to talk to all of them. :-)
The other thing about family is that they generally don't see you for who you are today, but who you were then and will treat you as such and when this happens it irks. Sounds like you're doing what I had done which was leave so that I could grow, but I'm now trying to bridge those relationships, even the ones I can only take for a few minutes. ;-)
@Terowl I dunno, sometimes when your family or family members are poisonous they do more harm than good. If you have done all you can and they just keep bringing you down you need to cut yourself off. Especially if they are using you to further their bad habits (also called enabling). I think there are two types of family. The one you don't get to choose and the one you do, meaning relatives and friends. Everyone needs a family whether its the one you were born into or not, so I would say that his advice is probably something you can take into any relationship, whether you're related by blood or not. or maybe I'm just crazy.
@sarah.naumcheff This is exactly what they are like. I only speak to them now when they call me. And even then I keep it to the bare minimum that is polite. I prefer to choose my family (as in friends) and have several who are my support system now. They are always there when I need them. That's what I feel a family should be.
Not really sure how exactly this would fit into your dynamic, but two things I struggle with are the role of material possessions/money in happiness (because it irks me when people dismiss their role entirely or conversely think of them as the root, I think its more complex than that), and also, how to deal with a very unhappy world. I feel like even if I have a great day I get online and there on the news is some new tragic story of violence, human rights violations, etc. which makes it difficult for me, at least, to be happy. Love the blog :)
I didn't respond right away, because it made me think, made me ponder. And I didn't share it, because co-workers read my fb! And that's the one (of the three major areas you mentioned) that I'm considering changing due to unhappiness!
I am looking forward to this! I have been on my own journey for happiness (aren't we all) and love to see what others say on the subject.
This cannot come at a better time. I am really looking forward to the read.
I am very excited to read this series!!
This was a fantastic book:
The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World - Eric Weiner
There is much discussion of just what defines happiness.
I'm really looking forward to this series. Thanks!
I can greatly relate to 3. How about with 6 expanding to people that are not religious or don't believe? I've been told that I'm evil because I don't believe and that I shouldn't have children. Maybe tolerance is more the issue or understanding. I just believe in being a good person and doing my part in the world and that's what I have taught my children. It irks me that I am judged because I don't conform but at the end of the day I sleep well because I know I'm a good person. I did have a purpose to my rant but I have completely forgotten what it was...turning 40 this week and I think my memory is going. Haha
Great topics. Another that came to mind: "Would you rather be right, or be happy?"
The standout titles, for me, are #2 and #9. Let me admit here and now that I missed the post you refer to, but will be catching up. Happiness does come from within, we simply must learn not to let the bad attitudes around us influence our lives. We also have to learn to love and appreciate family, while being able to say, "no" when no needs to be said.
Each morning when I place my naked feet to the floor, I pause to wipe the slate clean. I forgive everyone, and hope they forgive my behavior, as well. I choose to do this. It is a new day, like a canvas waiting to be painted, the happiness I find in my new day rests in me.
Just a request that when you write about the divorce rate... don't quote the false statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. It's completely incorrect. Here's an explanation of where the number came from: http://visual.ly/vizbox/debunking-50-percent/index.html and if you want more accurate numbers, I recommend the book For Better by Tara Parker-Pope.
I'm a fan and I'll be reading. If you have a chance and have not done so - I highly recommend Brene Brown's video on TED Talks. She talks about connection and the vulnerability it takes to connect with others. Think about your own vulnerability to put yourself out there through your writing. Not everyone is going to agree with you and sometimes the comments are hurtful. It takes great courage (root is Latin for heart!) to be vulnerable. I think it is also vulnerable to own your own feelings - especially happiness. We are taught to devalue ourselves, to put ourselves last even though most every major religion has a rule about loving ourselves, forgiving ourselves, and trusting ourselves FIRST so we can appropriately love, forgive, and trust others. Consequently, if I hate myself and the things I think and do, then I'm not going to like you so very much - or respect your opinion. So, Dan, I applaud your courage to take this on. I hope the deeper meanings will come out for those who seemed to think all you were talking about last week was how to get out of or stay in a loveless marriage.
Happiness does not involve money.
WOW. you just touched on about 8 topics that we have been having some pretty heavy discussion sbout in my house over the past few weeks. weird! talk about right place at the right time. can't wait to see how it goes. thanks Dan
Dan .. Sandy from BL2012GR here... Just got my hands on a book= Flourish by Seligman.. Pick it up.. It will inform this topic.