Wanna Lower the Divorce Rate? Here’s an Idea…

I don't think that school can teach such dynamic and complex emotional and psychological traits.  These things are learned behaviors, something you will get from your parents.  My parents had a lifelong marriage, as did their parents and so on before them.  I also married a man whose family was very similar.  Very strong family commitments, strong sense of loyalty and the determination to work through issues and the understanding that things/problems come into play during life that need to be addressed.  I meet too many people who seem to 'give up' way too early in a relationship and a marriage.  As if they have completely unrealistic expectations on what life is going to be like.  My father was a wonderful example for me, I saw the way that he adored my mom, and I saw their dynamic relationship and it showed me what to look for in a partner.  I actually married rather young by today's standards, though I married for the person...not necessarily the timing.  I knew when I found him, almost from the start.  I have three siblings, all in long term successful marriages, and I'm also in a 23 year happy marriage.

Dan, I came upon this blog from the "Rants From Mommyland Ladies"

I don't disagree that kids need an education on dealing with emotional crap. But I think this has to come from learning through life to deal with emotions. I think many parents prefer to shelter thier children from things that suck until they are "old enough to deal with it" as if some magic age will suddenly instill the coping mechanisms that have not yet been taught the way that other developmental things just show up. Not so, maintaining emotional health is a skill that must be practiced and nurtured.

This is an education that must start at home. Our children will be more likely to divorce and be selfish and awful to each those around them if they don't see their parents (and other adults in life) making compromises and being kind to one another. We also have to teach them to understand the difference between actually loving someone (which is not easy) and just paying lip service to the idea.

School is probably not the answer for most people... what you've described is something that parents should be modelling and teaching their children (I'm sure you are doing so with Noah).  The best learning is experiential, rather than taught in a classroom; how could you make a safe enough environment to share this outside of the family?   In most cases where the parent is capable and invested (not obsessed) with their children, I'd like to think that their children will have the tools to succeed.  It all seems quite cyclical to me. School might break the negative cycle, but it will do little to help foster the positive one.

I usually do not comment on your posts, but this is a classic example of an ideal "solution" that has very little chance of "working" in actuality. I am a high school teacher--junior year English--and I love it. I love the kids. I care so much about them and their lives and happiness. I could tell so many stories that could break your heart, make you smile, and make you cry for sadness or for joy. In an ideal world, I would love to teach a class like you're describing.

But, alas, there is no way to do this and NOT accidentally also teach kids YOUR life philosophy, YOUR ideas about how they should be introspective. I am very careful to help kids be kind without teaching them what I believe, but other teachers are not. Parents would blame the teacher if their child came home and decided something you decided in your 20s--"I don't believe our religion," for example--and it would cause family strife. There's no way to grade this class, and schools are not going to jump on the idea of class where success can't be measured. And students who think the class is stupid or think they don't need it--and there would be a LOT of these kids--wouldn't try at all, especially if there weren't some sort of accountability.

Also, the part of the brain that develops foresight and thinking about how your decision affect you long-term, that part of the brain isn't fully developed until about age 25. The class could do some good, but people under that age commonly make life mistakes, sometimes big ones. And it's not because no one taught them to think things through, it's because they are young. Paradoxically, teenagers are already naturally introspective. They are constantly thinking about themselves and how everyone else's actions affect them, when what most of them really need is more time serving others. My best classroom moments are often when I see people helping one another when it's not required, when we've done school wide drives to help a cause, not when kids are thinking solely about themselves. Students involved in service-oriented clubs or are just kind to others in general are usually the ones I see also making solid life choices. And usually they got that mindset from having a good home. Schools easily supplement the good things taught in a loving home, but it's hard to make up for all the broken homes just through public schools It's too much to fix, though we try as hard as we can. (We being good teachers.)

Noah is lucky he will get a good emotional start at home.

I recently read about something in our area of Sydney, Australia called the Kind Kids project http://www.kindkidsproject.com/ that teaches skills in building emotional intelligence and resilience. I think the current generation of children at school actually do have access to programs similar to what you're describing. In Australia at least, this is still very ad hoc and driven by individuals rather than being part of the formal government curriculum.

I think that's a good thing to teach kids.  However...schools were not meant to (and are not funded to) teach a child every life skill he or she will need.  It's really easy to just say, "schools should" but a lot of education, especially the stuff that isn't strictly academic, should be coming from the parents and the community.  Why not go down to the local Boys & Girls Club or YMCA and offer to facilitate a class like this?

I think this is a great idea!My oldest three children are in high school right now.  As teenagers my kids have been pretty darn good, but that doesn't guarantee adulthood (college, marriage, parenting, careers) will be.  Sometimes we don't notice problems because everything else LOOKS good.  Stay with me, this is relevant.  Example: My oldest is brilliantly academic. With his GPA and ACT scores the counseling office told me he'll get full-ride scholarships, no problem.  Which is fantastic, except I noticed a blip when he was about to take those ACT exams.  When he should have been studying for the ACT, he didn't study...AT ALL.   The first time he took it he didn't even crack a study guide.  He reported to me, "Geometry was a little hard, I need to brush up on it."  A class he took 5 years earlier, so completely understandable.  Without knowing his scores I signed him up for the next ACT and when it came time to study geometry he did ONE practice test and "looked" at the correct answers.  He didn't rework any problems.  All I could get him to do was one practice test and "look" at the correct answers, total time of 45 minutes.  I was all huffy and pleaded with him to study when it hit me, "you don't know how to study do you?"  He responded, "Duh, of course not!  I've never had to!!!"  He was sooooo correct!  School has always been especially easy for him and so I assumed, his teachers assumed and his school counselors assumed he has study skills.  When in fact he doesn't, he has excellent memorization skills and now I'm concerned on how he'll hande college and have been trying to help him develop study skills and habits.  Now bringing it back around. Walking down any high school hall students that obviously struggle with life in general can be easily identified;  gangs, stoners,  pregnants, etc and fellow students, teachers, administration, parents  automatically put them in that category, but who reaches out and tries teach them skills to change their situation?  Then there are the kids who appear to have it all together, who really don't, they are overly-active and overly-compensate to deflect inadequacies and the group that wants to be invisible and then there is the group that is really okay.  All those groups need LIFE skills!  I honestly think the majority of parents are better qualified to run Physical Ed classes than teach their kids reflective introspective problem solving life skills.  How many parents know how to work through their own problems and teach their children the same?  Do either, parents or children, know where to seek help if needed.  Our children take Finance and learn things like how to write checks and balance a check book, how to read a credit card statement, what interest rates mean, how to shop for a house...in my opinon those are parental responsiblities also, yet as we know parents fail at that and education has stepped in.  My point is, I think it would be good for society to have useful life skills taught at school.

Right on Dan.  It takes a village.  No matter how we do it.  We gotta take care of each other and help each other, school, church, neighbors.  I read somewhere that to be a really healthy kid - said kid needs 6 significant adults in his/her life.  SIX.  Where do I sign up?

You're on the right track here but it sounds like you're advocating turning over parental responsibility for the emotional well being of a child to the public education system. They can hardly properly teach math, what on earth makes you think they can teach happiness? I agree with you about the root of the divorce problem but adamantly disagree about the solution. My family subscribes to and lives by the unschooling philosophy. Even if I believed in the value of the public school system, I would never believe that family values, morality and self-understanding fall within the scope of responsibility of the school. If anything, it's likely that eliminating the compulsory education system would go further toward strengthening the family unit. A huge part of happiness is a deep understanding of personal responsibility. One might even say that is the key to happiness.

As a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,"  this idea of knowing who you are, and the importance of marriage, home, and family, and preparing for the future, is a fundamental part of who we are, and what we are taught starting as children. When you understand that you are in fact, a child of God, no matter what family problems you have, or how bad junior high was, it creates a different perspective. Even all of the fairy tales that are written don't end in a happy ever after, until after the trials that they face. A lot of them have to figure out who they really are. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are right, children need to be taught all the things you wrote about. But, I think it needs to start within the home...and at church. Divorce should NOT be an option. When children are young, they need to be taught that families are forever, not until "death do us part," and that your parents are always going to love each other and you. Does it always work out like that? No. But if that is what the "focal point" is, then thats what's expected. I also think one of the main problems in society today is pride and selfishness. It's easy to think, "Well, so and so isn't doing this and he isn't doing that, and I work more than him." It's hard to think, "What can I do for so and so, how can I make so and so happier." When you are constantly putting one person's happiness before your own, and they are doing it to you too, then you have a relationship that is co-dependent on each other. Is that hard...yes. Anything worthwhile is going to be hard. It's easy to be selfish and self-centered than focus on what other's may need. A marriage HAS to be nurtured, every single day. Just like a seed. If you plant it and then stop taking care of it, it will die. Just like a relationship. Children need to grow up knowing what they want out of life. They need to decide at a young age, that marriage is important. They need to know what kind of person they want to marry. And stick with it. Keep high standards and work hard. Once you get married, it isn't over. It has just begun. It can be a hard journey, or it can be an amazing journey. In the end, it is up to the families and the churches to teach what you wrote. The schools have enough to worry about with science, math and writing. If we try to put all of the responsibility on the school systems. It just isn't smart. Besides, parents have longer lasting impressions on children. That's just my opinion. :) 

It is an admirable idea, but you have to really look at what you're asking.

1. More classroom time, a lot more. Schools don't give our children anywhere near ALL the practical skills that they need to survive in life, much less thrive. Many, many kids graduate knowing how to solve algebra equations but not knowing how to balance a checkbook, check the oil in their car, boil water, change a diaper, solve a martial dispute, or thousands of other basic and vital life skills. If we really and truly want schools to be the kind of "social vehicles" that you are talking about, being the source of instruction for all important life skills, then children would need to spend many more hours each day in school in order for these skills to be thoroughly and successfully taught. Heck, one could argue for the need for boarding schools in order to be truly effective for this ideal.

The fact remains that most people (and most likely including you) still believe that children are better off at home with their parents. 

2. And this brings up the second point: there is no possible way that everyone in this nation of diverse peoples and beliefs could (or should) agree on what are all the necessary skills children need, particularly in the grounds of relationships and introspection. Most everybody can agree that children need to know the multiplication tables, but do you really believe that everyone could or should agree on what makes a successful marriage? Or what the ingredients are to be happy with yourself?

Our current system leaves a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of the parents, and I think most people agree that that's how it should be. Sure, there are going to be plenty of parents who drop the ball, some miserably so. But do we really want to trust bureaucrats with the upbringing of our children? Do you really believe that there is a universal system of life skills instruction that can be carried out more successfully through the government than through parents?

It is true that a lot of things are missing in most peoples' "educations", but the solution, I believe, if for parents to be depending LESS on the government to raise their kids, not more.