“Dan, I just wanted to write you and tell you that my wife read your blog post and decided she wants a divorce. Thanks a lot.”
This was an email I received the day after writing, Whose Life is it Anyway.
It was one of a more than a dozen I received after that post, all of which were people either telling me that my writing gave them the courage to leave or that after reading it, their spouse now wanted out.
And if I’m being honest… I don’t know if writing something that pushes people to do things that carry such heavy consequences is a heaviness I like carrying.
When I wrote the message, I wanted the people who needed it to make the hard choices. I wanted it to push those people (and only those people) to finally make the leap of faith from a life that they could never be happy in.
What I now doubt myself in is whether or not my message was clear enough that such decisions should only be made after everything has literally been given and even then happiness is not possible.
The truth is, divorce is not that serious of a thing. Not if you really think about it.
The effects of divorce, though, have an eternal ripple effect in the life a person, a person’s children, and clear into the generations that follow.
When divorce is chosen correctly, those ripples will bless people wherever they reach. They will be healthy and beautiful and powerful. They will lay the path for amazing things to happen.
When divorce is chosen poorly, those ripples will hurt people wherever they reach and they will be powerful in much more destructive ways.
When I write anything that I write, I rarely intend for it to push people to do things. I write what I write to push people to think about things and then do according to what they know is wrong and right for themselves.
To read something anybody writes and then quickly make such heavy and consequential decisions is reckless. Deciding how true another person’s words are shouldn’t really be done without deep contemplation, soul searching, and introspection, and I’m talking about the kind that takes days at least. Not minutes or hours.
I fear I published the ending where I should have instead published the beginning.
The whys of those major decisions are so important. The personal journey we each take to get to those decisions is crucial.
And that’s what these ten days of posts are all about.
They’re the whys. They’re the journey.
So please, for both of our sakes, don’t jump into such big decisions just yet. Get through these ten days of posts, first. And if you do, you will probably know so many things that I never knew when I made my big decisions. You will hopefully understand why you feel certain ways. You will most likely understand more fully if your life is something you can be happy in. You will definitely know with more certainty if you should make the big decisions or not. And, you may just figure out how to be happy in the life you have right now. Maybe you won’t.
I don’t know.
I’m not an expert in anything.
I’m just a man on my own journey. And part of that journey has been learning that sharing the intimate truths of my journey has the power to help people discover the same truths within themselves.
No two people will ever walk the same path in life. But everybody who does it right should end up at the same destination.
Happiness.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
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Mouse
It is good to think about possible consequences your writing can have. It's something anyone speaking or writing for an audience needs to be aware of.
It is also disrespectful to assume responsibility to someone else's actions. Regardless of anything else, each of us is responsible for our own decisions.
Also, a single blog post- regardless of how well-written or inspirational- will not lead to such drastic decisions. Give your readers some credit for thinking for themselves.
SnglParents
JasonShepardJenniferJordanMaassen
Ok Newsflash! Everyone has made their point and no one is going to convert the other! Now its getting personal. Lets both agree everyone is allowed their opinion and then lets move on with our lives. Smile! Enjoy! Move on! Please.
JasonShepard
SnglParents I will not "smile and move on" as long as someone is attacking my parents for their decision and telling me that the best thing that could possible have happened to them is a "selfish" act and never should have happened. You may be able to walk away from someone telling you that one of the most important happenings in your young life was immoral and selfish, but I am not one of those people. You are perfectly free, however, to quit reading anything I write and to ignore our conversation rather than dragging us out into yet another discussion.
You are correct in that it's getting personal. It's because I MADE it personal - but personal on my own behalf by exposing my own life history to public opinion. That's my right as a human being. If you think you are telling me that you are revoking my rights to speak about my own life however I so choose, you need to rethink your position. If Dan sees my posting as unfit, he is free to edit/delete it as he sees fit - just as I am free to "unfollow" a blog that censors its participants. While I appreciate your good intentions, I will also appreciate it when you stop telling me to move on and ignore the attack on my parents just because you don't like what I have to say. Thanks!
KaceyMessier
If I say that everyone should find the nearest bridge and jump, only those who already had it in their minds to do so will. The same goes for anything. Your I'm Christian Unless You're Gay post did not make me do anything. I chose to call my mother, but I had been teetering about the decision in my mind for nearly two years. Nothing about your post was unclear. Several times you say after all other options have been exhausted, after you know you've tried. And you also say that these people already know and they do. Helping people find the courage to do something that is not easy is something you should be proud of. The fact that so many people find themselves searching their own souls after reading your posts makes you a blessing. You are an inspiring person, a muse if you will, but no muse can be credited or blamed for the actions that others take. While the last few weeks has been difficult and I have been overwhelmed with illness, school and work you inspired me to work harder on my own blog, MiddleBrickRoad.com a place that could have been lost and forgotten if not for you. It seems that largely you assist in the path of others, while they are looking for direction or even if they're not, your sign seems to point "this way" and when people follow or become inspired it is out of their own consciousness. You live in love, you inspire others and you are raising a beautiful son. Don't ever stop being that person, who reflects, who searches for truth, who says things that others only keep in their minds.
Just know that ultimately you are not responsible for anything anyone says or does as a result of your blog. I know, easier said than done but it is true. You are amazing, you encourage people to think, to explore. There will always be those looking for an excuse to do something and someone looking to blame saying "My wife did this because of your blog". Not your fault Dan, but I commend you for being aware enough to recognize you do influence others even if unintentionally and that you strive to post responsibly. I don't know how you do what you do with this blog but it is truly amazing, keep up the good work!
CopperAnna
I agree with Kadee... these people have already made their decisions and were simply sitting around lacking the courage to follow through. Something you said rang true with them and they acted on their previously made decisions. Years ago I learned a valuable motto from a training I took at a past job, it's from the Totally Responsible Person (TRP) training and it states:
1. Everything that happens to me provides me with opportunities for learning and growth (OFLAG).
2. No one else can be blamed for any negativity my emotional nature experiences.
3. I shall seek no exceptions to this belief, even when I'm not at fault.
The goal is to cut out the victim mentality and to take ownership of everything that occurs in one's life, whether good or bad, and to look at them as "opportunities."
Anyway, I love your blog. It's changed my life in small ways and I am sure that those will ripple into larger affects as time goes by... don't stop sharing, we need it whether we want to hear it or not ;)
SnglParents
Wife: "I want a divorce"
Husband: In shock, "Why, what happened?"
Wife: "The blogger made me do it"
Hearing the "D" word hurts. As would anything with the same impact, especially if without warning . Our initial reaction would typically be irrational and blame the blogger. Eventually we come around. As will he.
If he truly loves her, he'll fight for her. Maybe thats what they both needed; a shot in the arm. Wouldn't it be nice if we all could receive a warning sign or alert? Your Marriage is in Danger!, well before the blogger writes an eye opener for an unsuspecting reader.
"Whose Life Is It Anyway" is an eye opener. Being unhappy sucks. .. and in this case we cannot live vicariously through the eyes of others for any length of time. And Survive? If there are kids involved, then it gets more complicated.
Sometimes it just takes one to say the "D" word. In the end and after the storm, he'll realize Divorce wasn't the concern. He'll understand Change is what he is afraid of because its safer to stay put than grow.
Summer Rain
To all of those saying divorce is never a blessing, or that to divorce someone for any other reason than abuse is selfish, consider: People make mistakes. We can accept our mistakes and the situations that result from them, or we can make the effort to correct our mistakes.That is a matter of personal choice and responsibility, and no one has a right to make that choice for anyone else -- or to attempt to guilt, shame or pressure someone into making a particular choice because of religious beliefs or any other reason.
I sought a divorce from my ex-husband for reasons some people here would call selfish. For years, I was living in a state of quiet despair; I felt instinctively that the only way out of it would be to change my life drastically. So I did. It was the most painful, difficult and terrifying decision I ever made. And today, my ex is happily remarried to a wonderful woman who is much better suited to his lifestyle and temperament than I was; he is also enjoying a much, much better sex life than he ever had with me. Tell me: How is that not a blessing, to everyone involved???
If a person is truly miserable in marriage, that person is going to inevitably spread his or her misery to the spouse and anyone else within elbow distance -- including any children. I doubt most sane people want to be married to someone who is unhappy being married to them (and if they don't care that you're miserable so long as you stay in the marriage, then it's definitely time to run for the hills!). In these situations, a divorce may hurt at first, but it truly will be a blessing in the long run -- as ALL OF LIFE'S HARDSHIPS inevitably are if we allow them to be. This assumes, of course, that the injured ex-spouse is mature enough to learn, grown and strengthen from the experience rather than cling to the pain and bitterness -- in which case that ex-spouse has no one to blame for his own misery but himself.
Sarah Mickalson
Summer Rain
I believe the best way a divorce is a blessing is because the people involved have a chance to learn from their mistakes and become better people. After my divorce I learned a lot about myself and took the time I never did before to better myself. Could I have done this in my marriage? No. I tried but was with an abusive person who wasnt happy himself.The people being hurt in our marriage were our kids who witnessed everything. I dont believe any person leaves a marriage for selfish reasons. It is very unselfish to leave a marriage because you no longer love the person you are with or you no longer can make that person happy. They deserve to be with someone who loves them. My ex husband left me for another girl and i let him. Why make him miserable if he wants something else, and why stay with him when he doesnt want to be with me?
So, I agree with you. Plus, who is to judge if your reasons are selfish or not?
Chea
You cant blame yourself. These people are just looking to find blame in someone else, instead of looking at themselves. There is a reason they want out. Its not like you made them do it. If their step to happiness is to get out of a non happy marriage, then that is their decision, not yours. And obviously there was something there (or not there) in the marriage before you even wrote that blog entry. Blogs dont MAKE people do anything. 99.9% of us all know you only mean well. Those people blaming you need to look at themselves and the marriage to see why this is happening. Not you.
justlittlecajunme
Don't let those people burden you when they blame you. You are not to blame. It is their choice and their doing.
LindaIsabellaMayoh
Some people like to displace their anger on others instead of themselves. Its not your fault Dan. I do blame you in one way, and that is me becoming addicted to your blogs :-). Any second date with Yogagirl?
AnnCrosby
Dan~The people writing you these emails are "blaming" you when in fact the marriage was probably over with anyway and they we too blind to see it. Don't take it personal and keep writing the way you right. You have touched so many peoples lives and 99% of the time in a good way. :o)
Meandmyhappiness
I believe that a persons happiness is in there own hands. When I was young I had a young bride and I tried EVERYTHING to make her happy. Thinking it was in my control. but no matter what I did or didn't do she was never happy. In this process I lost myself and my own happiness. And when you look in the mirror and the reflection is a stranger it is time to make changes... So I did. I stopped trying to make her happy and focused on myself. Well this seemed to enrage her. She hated that I stop trying to make her happy so now she couldn't reject my efforts. So the unavoidable happened. We divorced. Which in all honesty crushed me. Broke me is pieces not being able go home to my children everyday. But what can you do. You repair, for your sole survival. Well 10 years later she still blame everything one me. lol. But I have my happiness (And my daughter because our 12 year old stopped trying to make her happy) and nothing can touch my happiness. It is mine and mine alone. I will fight for it like it is a part of me. Like it is an extension of my body. It is no ones job to care for it but mine.
tchfrn
I wanted to write this when I read "Whose life is it anyway?" but didn't have the courage. I wish I had.
Stop looking for happiness.
Since I'm a woman, I see it from a woman's perspective. A woman should leave if she is in danger, if she is being abused, if her children are being abused or are in danger, or if her husband is cheating and not going to stop. But because she's not happy? No. That's not a reason to leave. Happiness comes and goes. Three months after getting married, I decided I had made a mistake, because I didn't feel happy. That spell of unhappiness passed, and years later, I realized I was very unhappy with my husband. He wasn't bad. I just didn't like him at all. But I decided that my wedding vows said as long as we were both alive, so I decided I would live with it for that reason, not really for the sake of my two children. After a few years, something happened that I won't describe, because you will think I am the most shallow person ever, but which made me see my husband differently. That was about 20 years ago. We have been married now for 38 years, and he is my best friend. We babysit our grandson together. I am so glad God gave me the strength to do what was right rather than what I thought would make me happy.
Happiness is elusive when it is pursued. It comes from pursuing a relationship with God.
JenniferJordanMaassen
tchfrn Exactly. I completely agree. You have beautifully articulated what I think and what I should have taken more time to say (below). You may still get some nasty comments, though. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Nov3mberMist
tchfrn I both agree and disagree with you. Three months of marriage isn't enough to be happy or unhappy; the first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest. And you're right in that happiness comes and goes. i think the point Dan was trying to make is if you're stuck in a life that isn't your own. You shouldn't have to give up every part of yourself for the sake of your marriage; that's wrong.
I also don't think this is the place to tout your religious beliefs.
tchfrn Thanks for writing what I was thinking! People run around life hurting a lot of OTHER people in the attempt to find their own happiness...unknowingly hurting themselves, as well.
beyondcompassion
tchfrn I disagree. For those of us who are not bound to finding ourselves in a deity, happiness comes from a choice within to know oneself, to have the courage to grow and in humility, become what we can be, and to be able to fully accept oneself.
OnlyaLittleSugarCoated
tchfrn I'm a woman. I left my marriage because it wasn't good for me... and it wasn't good for him... but I didn't leave after three months. We worked hard. We learned a lot. And there came a time when for both of us to progress and move forward and find lasting happiness, we had to do it separately...I don't know Dan's intentions, but I know when I talk about leaving my marriage because I wasn't happy, I'm not talking about the fleeting happiness. I'm talking about happiness that is deep within and so much more than just the emotion of happiness... I am not sure the right words to use to describe deep down, in your heart and gut, happiness... Maybe peace is the best word??
I am SO glad you did what was best for you (staying in your marriage), and I'm so glad that it turned out just the way you wanted.
I am also SO glad I did what was best for me (divorce), and I am SO glad it has turned out just the way I wanted.
Crazytwinmum
tchfrn my parents were married 38 years before my father suddenly passed away. He was a wonderful father & I miss him terribly even still, 5 years on. But he was a horrible husband and my mother was a horrible wife & I am now a wife and mother to four amazing kids & I would NEVER stay with my husband if I was that unhappy!! I had an awful childhood. There was no violence or abuse, no cheating or anything like that, they just simply didn't like each other. They were not only miserable themselves but they made us miserable to! I was robbed of a childhood all because my parents thought they HAD to stay together. For society, for the church, for God & for us kids & it was so so wrong. I would wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning as a young child to hear them screaming at each other, they would play us off against the other parent trying to get us on 'their' side, they were NEVER affectionate with each other, I remember giving my mum marriage advice at 14 years of age, I very very rarely had friends come to stay as that didn't stop them from bickering, & at 16 I WANTED my parents to get a divorce as I knew even then that separately they would be HAPPY!! I remember standing in church one day & looking down the aisle to witness my older brother (I was about 14, he 16) & seeing tears stream down his face as he just couldn't take it anymore. I went to him & we stood there together hugging & crying for all to see. But what were we to do, where were we to go?? Our home should have been our soft place to fall, our comfort zone, a place where we could just be kids & be HAPPY, but instead we all looked for places to escape to. I have wonderful memories of my brothers growing up & some great ones with my parents by themselves, but together as a family - a big resounding NO!! I apologise for the length of this but I get very angry at people that think just because they stayed in a miserable marriage that everyone else should too. I am a product of a very broken home and thankfully, for my kids sake I have broken the cycle, but not before hitting rock bottom a few times. My children will never be subject to the misery that my parents forced on me & if my husband & I ever go in different directions & I can't stand the sight of him then yes I will divorce to ensure that I provide them with a happy home!!
kayseypage
tchfrn I am also a woman. I chose to end my marriage.Why? Because I knew that my happiness was not defined by my life with another person. My happiness could only come from me being my own person and unfortunately,the person I was married to was not happy with me being me.. We were together for 9 years, married for four before I ended it. Him and I still talk and are good friends. Better friends then we were husband and wife but at the end of the day? We were just VERY different people and wanted different things.. I want family and children; He wants a big job and lots of money, travel etc etc..
Dan-I have been struggling with both my job and my religion recently. I'm sticking with my job because, even though it makes me unhappy, it's income that we need to pay the bills. I am looking for another job, but until I find one to help out with the bills, I'm still going to work every day, and I'm ok with that, as long as I'm doing what I can to find a different job that I would enjoy.
I'm staying in a religion that I'm not sure I believe because I don't want to let my family down (especially my parents) by walking away from the religion I was raised in. I want to believe it, and I'm trying to, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing that because I want to or if I just don't want to be judged by others.
I sent my husband the link to this post the day you wrote it, and that evening, he asked me why I sent it. I mentioned work and religion, and he asked, "is that the only reason you sent it to me?" I have never thought about divorce, and I sure wouldn't have made a spur-of-the-moment decision after reading your article to get a divorce. I would talk to my husband first, and if I felt like my concerns about our marriage were falling on deaf ears, THEN (and only then) would I even consider it. This guy just needs someone to blame for his lack of communication with his wife about their relationship, and he chose you. Don't take it personally, and keep writing. This was just the kick in the pants that she needed to start her own journey towards happiness, and if ending her marriage is what will make her happy, then that is her decision. You didn't force her to choose that. She decided that all on her own.
Something you said strikes a chord ... what religion? You can email me privately ([email protected]) if you would rather. If it's what I think it is, I have insight. :)
BAMOM
I struggle with the exact same thing with my religion. At what point should I just leave and not care what other people think...but then again I don't want God to strike me down. I don't know....care to share some insights? [email protected]
StephanieC
BAMOM I'm only sharing this because I found it interesting in my own journey to discover my spirituality. I had the moral conundrum that you're having of, "What if I choose to let go and I'm wrong?" Strangely enough, Pascal's Wager is what convinced me to let it go. Pascal wagered that all things being equal, if there is a God and you choose not to believe - you're doomed. But if you choose to believe and you're right, then you're saved. So he thought it best to believe, as that is the safer bet. I guess the way I looked at it was that I didn't want to "believe" in something simply to be "safe." I didn't want to just settle. I wanted to have conviction in my beliefs and passion in my soul for my spirituality. I wanted to know what that felt like. Just like Dan was talking about in the "Whose Life Is It, Anyway" post, it's a choice between doing what you "should" and what would make you happy. But honestly, you never will know until you let go. You can't fly stuck in a cage. How do you know if you'll crash to the ground or soar? You DON'T until you take that chance.
BAMOM
StephanieC Thanks for sharing. I totally agree. I guess other than the fear of God striking me down, I sadly have to consider my husband's job and the ramifications of what my choice of leaving the dominant church in our area would do. The fact that my husband and I are considered "liberal" in our "orthodox" type church has already taken it's toll with friends (apparently they weren't friends anyway), with potential clients, and family. And I suppose it also has to do with our children and what we want for them. My kids would miss their Sunday school lessons I think...but sadly enough when I talked to my leader about all of my concerns he just said " I don't know" and shewed me out of his office. My religion has a lot to offer and has done a lot of good in the world, but maybe it is time to listen to my own heart. Thanks for the encouragement. There are so many things about my church and it's culture that do not coincide with what it TEACHES, there are so many things that don't make sense, and I've seen enough damage by those "called of God" to make me second guess everything about it. Sorry for the rant...I guess I needed to vent a little....it's been 3 years coming now.
beyondcompassion
BAMOM At what point should you leave and not care what other people think? - When you can confidently make decisions not based on what others think of you.
God, if the entity is as is described in the various texts, decided to stop "striking people down" somewhere about 2000 years ago.
BAMOM
beyondcompassion Haha yes true God doesn't technically strike people down but my whole life I've been taught by my parents and church leaders that those who leave the church suffer "serious consequences" and will "never feel the spirit again" and will not be "blessed" until they have the spirit again. Sometimes I just wish there was no such thing as religion and that we could all just focus on being good people rather than rules. But I understand that church can serve as a supplement which is why I stay I guess.
Amber Hefner
BAMOM On religion whichever you so choose to participate in if you let go of the "people stuff and go to the true message at the core of every religion they are all saying something similar" Religion was not invented by god but rather by man. It has served great people for centuries to control/demean/enslave/ect other people but these are not the truth from god. The core of all religions is the same be kind, dont judge, love one another, help each other, dont steal, lie, or kill/harm another ,try to eliminate the bad "human traits"such as lust, greed, jealousy and envy. (traits we all have and struggle with) So if you feel like you don't beleive what other People are telling you to believe remember that is just their interpretation of what GOD says/wants but if you listen to your heart and read the core of the religious text you will find that the message is simple be a good person and you will find grace with god.
beyondcompassion
BAMOM It is really difficult to reason with thoughts that have been ingrained since birth. I understand completely. It's been a journey and not an easy one for me.I might ask what your age is and whether you live independently (and for how long). Distance (literal) is often the best way to give yourself a chance to begin the process of sorting through your thoughts. If this is not possible, the next best solution is to simply not discuss your process with them, or the church, until you have come to your solid conclusions (and let them sit with you for a while).Can you hear the need for control by using fear/threat in the words "serious consequences"? If those consequences are actually named, there's a good chance not a single one is tangible or earth side. If they are earth side, it will be something like what you stated next "blessings". This manipulation through fear of the unknown or uncontrollable in one's personal (survival) life is a technique used (for millenia, I might add) by institutions world wide, where control of the masses by the few is desired. It is scary when you're on the receiving end, and it only works in the minds of those who've been conditioned to the point where they will be responsive (fear response).If you have any specific thoughts or questions that I might be of any use to you for, send me a note. Otherwise, I wish for you courage and quietness so that you can hear your own voice.
LindaR
Oh, Dan.
The words were "SHE DECIDED she wants a divorce". SHE DECIDED. She read, she decided, she acted. One must hope that SHE did the thinking in all that ... SHE thought about the "why" and the "why not". You don't (and can't) do that for anyone. You provide fuel for inspiration and consideration.
"Thank you" man just can't see past his hurt / anger right now. He may never. He may NEED it to be your fault and not his.
Please, never stop. Never. Well, maybe if you need a short vacation or something, but we'll expect guest writers or something.
denisesmedley
LindaR Took the word right off my keybord, Linda. I totally agree. Sometimes people think they need to blame others, but it's more productive to look within ourselves and in his case, also open the lines of communication up with his wife. I feel compassion for anyone going through a divorce, but in the end it's between husband and wife.. not husband, wife, and Dan.
beyondcompassion
LindaR Well put... and maybe that man is actually thanking Dan....
OnlyaLittleSugarCoated
LindaR I was trying to figure out how to say what you just said. Thank you. SHE decided. SHE made the choice. Not her husband. Not Dan. Not anyone. She made those choices, and they are her choices to make...
JenniferJordanMaassen
While I agree with other posters that you are not responsible for the actions of others, I must strongly disagree with you that divorce can be a good thing. My
religion, as well as most religions of the world, teaches that it is a tragedy. The reason for this teaching is that it is true. The post's title was telling. It isn't just our life. To teach that divorce can be a good thing is still a disservice to your readers, and the reason why I am no longer one of them.
ValerieBarlowHorton
JenniferJordanMaassen So Jennifer you are saying even if you are not happy you should stay for religious reasons? I don't like the idea of divorce but I must say that yes it can be a good thing. It allows you to move on and find the true happiness you deserve. Staying in a marriage for any reason other than love is detrimental to everyone. If I ever became unhappy in my marriage and I couldn't work it out with my spouse I would have to get out. It is that simple.
JenniferJordanMaassen
ValerieBarlowHortonJenniferJordanMaassen Yes, that is what I am saying, Valerie. You and I do not see this issue the same way. I have been married for 22 years, and not all of it has been perfectly "happy", but is it quite realistic to expect that? Is the purpose of marriage to make you happy? Marriage is a lifelong commitment for me and my spouse. We have stuck around to work out problems as they come up, and happiness always returns. Love that is genuine is not just a feeling, but involves unconditional acceptance. It is a commitment to stay with that person and to actively support and sustain them as you would yourself. You are legally free to place different conditions on your marriage, but we clearly disagree about what those should be.
PaulWiklund
JenniferJordanMaassenValerieBarlowHorton I am happy that marriage is a lifelong commitment for you and your spouse, but when you say that you should stay in a marriage for religious reasons, please understand that not all marriages are like yours, and not all people in marriages share (or want to share) your religious beliefs. As an atheist, I am certainly not in a marriage for religious reasons.Some people in a marriage may be subject to abuse, or suffering through the abuse with their children. In those cases, I don't believe that a shared faith (or the idea of faith at all) is worth the safety of anyone concerned, and marriage may be for the best where all parties are concerned.Shared beliefs are a wonderful thing, and can be a great foundation for a marriage, but they should not be used as justification for marriage unless you are sure about the character of your spouse and the love that you feel for them. In which case, you have a strong bond with your spouse, regardless of your religious beliefs.
JenniferJordanMaassen
PaulWiklundValerieBarlowHorton Paul, you get the award for the most civil and considered response so far. The strong bond with one's spouse develops as part of a decision to prioritize him or her above other considerations, and that choice is inseparable from my commitment to God.
PaulWiklund
JenniferJordanMaassenPaulWiklundValerieBarlowHorton Jennifer: I understand that, and respect that. I am also glad to you and your family are happy in both your faith and your commitment to others.
ValerieBarlowHorton
JenniferJordanMaassen I never said that it is easy to be married and I myself have been married for 15 years and no it hasn't been easy. There have been times I wanted to just walk away but marriage is a two way street you cannot do it alone but if one partner has given up the fight then let it end and move on. I am not saying it is right for everyone I am saying it may be right for some. You cannot say that all divorce is bad because you have never been there. I haven't either but my husband has and if he hadn't I never would have met or married him. So lady get off your religious high horse and realize not everyone is you.
beyondcompassion
JenniferJordanMaassenValerieBarlowHorton Perhaps seeing the forest, not just the tree... The point isn't bailing when it's not harmonious or when it's tough. Fundamentally, foundationally, at the core... when the situation is not right for anyone involved, regardless of all the rules and expectations put forth by social order devices, if one does not choose to change their life, the situation remains limiting and sorrowful.
AmyWood
JenniferJordanMaassen Divorce can be a good thing. When two people can no longer speak to each other civilly and the children grow up thinking that is a normal way to treat each other or much worse-they cower in fear anytime the parents talk-how can you possibly think divorce is a tragedy? My divorce was the best thing ever for my children. They grew up with happier parents who found people that they loved and could have calm conversations with. They now have parents that can spend time with them without stressing out over all the marital issues. There are many reasons to stay and many reasons to leave. I cant imagine any religion that would tell a person to stay in a relationship with abuse because divorce is a tragedy.
JenniferJordanMaassen
AmyWood To be clear, I never said that anyone should stay in an abusive marriage. I really doubt that many level headed people would advocate that. I am concerned when I hear people leaving marriages because they have some kind of vague sense of "unhappiness". There is a big difference. How many divorces involve abuse compared to those that involve plain selfishness?
PaulWiklund
JenniferJordanMaassenAmyWood Ahhh, but how many marriages are based on love instead of infatuation? Many people rush into marriage without really knowing themselves or their partner in any way that is more than superficial or sexual. My wife and I did that, and it took the prospect of divorce for us to begin communicating in a positive manner again. We are fine now, but it was a near thing.
beyondcompassion
JenniferJordanMaassenAmyWood What is abusive.
astreamartinez
beyondcompassionJenniferJordanMaassenAmyWood Abuse is when your spouse tries to control every aspect of your life or intimidates you regularly or puts limits on who you can speak to or hang out with. Abuse is when you continually ask to be kept up on the finances and that is denied over and over again all the while your credit is being ruined. Then there is the kind of abuse that is traditionally thought of when someone says the word "abuse". Physical abuse is certainly one type of abuse, but it isn't the only kind. Abuse is also be made to feel less than human day after day. When nothing you ever do is good enough. When everything you do is continually overlooked in favor of your faults. I keep saying it, but divorce was NOT a tragedy in my case. It was a blessing I gave to myself.
sarahalainhart
JenniferJordanMaassen I know I'm jumping into this in the middle...
I am divorced and my ex and I have a much better relationship then we did when we were married. I am LDS and I think that if you are going to go the divorce route or to stay with your spouse and make things work you need to really ponder about both avenues. There is a lot going into both divorce and staying. If I would have stayed with my ex, my child would have grown up thinking that yelling at your loved one consistently was okay. That is not how I chose to raise my children. There are so many, many reasons why I left my spouse that I don't feel needs to be disclosed at all. I think everyone needs to realize that there are couples that can make a marriage work and those that can't. I am free to make choices just as my spouse was and because of choices my spouse made I chose to leave him. It had to do with my happiness and so much more then that. I think it is ridiculous that people are so quick to judge a person and why they left their spouse or why they did this or that. I had people like that in my life; people that were family and I was close with. Everyone just needs support and love. PERIOD!
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I believe your writing does help people make decisions that they are ALREADY pondering about and thinking of doing. I'm sure the woman who said she wants a divorce was already thinking of going that route and what you wrote just gave her more power and strength to do it. You didn't tell anyone to do a certain thing. They chose to do whatever and your blog may have opened their eyes or helped them but that person initially chose to leave their spouse; you didn't tell them to do anything. I find it really ridiculous that someone would put that blame on you instead of taking responsibility for the lack of their actions. Obviously there was an issue in the marriage before you ever wrote that post.
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