If true happiness was an equation, I bet it would look like this:
I don’t really know what any of that means. I don’t know what this equation represents or what problem it’s trying to solve. When I look at it, I see nothing but lines, squiggles, and numbers.
But I do know this about math…
When something is missing from the equation, the answer will always turn out either a little or a lot differently and sometimes it becomes impossible to solve at all.
Happiness is the same way. There are very specific equations each person must solve if they are to find what happiness really is for them. Unlike math, however, there’s no cheating off of your neighbor’s paper because the equation is quite different for every single person.
And also just like mathematics, happiness is something that takes time to learn. Nobody just wakes up one day and solves complicated calculus problems without first learning the things that lead up to it. Even the best mathematicians and scientists in the world started by learning foundational principles such as 1 + 1 = 2. Likewise, nobody can fine-tune their happiness or delve into deeper levels of happiness until they first get the basics under their belts.
Learning what makes us happy foundationally is something we spend a good portion of our lives doing. It’s also something some of us, unfortunately, never quite figure out or are never given the chance to do.
For some, their primary source of happiness might be centered in social connections. For others, family. For others, accomplishment. Some might find the main source of their happiness in animals. Others in service. Others in fitness. Some will find it in spirituality. Some will find it in learning. Some will find it in children. Primary sources of happiness are usually personal and I think are often value or moral based.
Our secondary sources of happiness will be even more varied. Some will find happiness in cooking. Some will find it working under the hood of a car. Some will find it in painting a picture. Some will find it in taking risk or seeking adventure. Some will find it on Facebook. Others on blogs. Others on a walk at the city park. Secondary sources of happiness are usually personal and are often activity or hobby based.
We all seem to understand that it’s okay for everybody else to have their own secondary sources of happiness. We understand that some people will enjoy jogging and that other people would rather workout at the gym. We’re okay with that. We’re okay with the idea that one person may love to scrapbook while another person may love to fish. When one person loves dancing, we are okay that another person would rather be sitting in a bar playing trivia. Very few people try to force their secondary ideas of happiness onto the people around them.
Yet for some reason, most of us don’t seem to understand that it’s okay for everybody else to have their own primary sources of happiness as well. Most of us have a hard time believing that our primary sources of happiness could possibly be different than that of our spouse, our friends, our kids, or our family members.
Because our primary sources of happiness are usually moral or value based, we believe that they are universal and indisputable. We push our ideas of happiness onto others. We look at each other and we think that every equation is going to be the same for every person. We try to tell others how they should be solving their own happiness equations based on what we ourselves have learned while trying to solve ours.
But the truth is…
Some people aren’t happy sitting in a pew. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy working out six days a week. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy being in a relationship or being married. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy having kids or being with kids. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy having a dog. Or a cat. Or a bird. Or any other animal by their side. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy manually laboring to serve other people. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy working a nine to five. And they never will be.
Some people aren’t happy being constantly surrounded by big groups of people. And they never will be.
And… Some people are happy sitting in a pew. Some people are happy spending huge amounts of their lives exercising. Some people are happy being in a good relationship or being married to someone they truly love. Some people are happy having kids or being with kids. Some people are happy owning pets. Some people are happy going out and laboring to serve others. Some people are happy working hard and seeking professional accomplishment. Some people are happy when they get to be the center of attention or go out with friends all the time.
If you think about it, can’t you fairly easily believe it? In theory at least? Can’t you believe that the very things that make you happy (or unhappy) at your basest of levels might not fit correctly into the happiness equations of others?
Of course you can believe it.
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OnlyaLittleSugarCoated
My primary sources for happiness are: spirituality/nature: hiking, horseback riding, fishing, and taking pictures;discovering: reading, writing, deep discussions, going on "adventures" and seeing new places, authenticity/vulnerability: connecting with others by keeping my outside matching my inside. Sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. (I'm still trying to define this one, but at least for right now, when I start keeping secrets, or pretending I feel something when I don't, or keeping quiet to make other people happy, etc..., I lose myself REALLY fast.) Others' primary sources of happiness that make me miserable:religion. traditional gender roles. I've never tried being a mom, but I don't want to be. (They say you never know what you like until you try it, but being a mom seems like a much too big of a commitment to just "test it" to see if I like it.) I'm sure there is more, but those are the things that I tried to force on myself for a long time.
OnlyaLittleSugarCoated
Silly question: How do I had a line break? I've done it before, but now I can't seem to figure it out... maybe it depends on which browser I'm using?? Anyway, if anyone could help me figure that out, that'd be awesome!
AnneMarieJones
I very deeply related to this post of yours. I spent years trying to save a horrible marriage because I was told that "God wanted me to," and that I would never be happy any other way. Now, two years away from that marriage, I have never been happier and I can't imagine why I ever listened to the people who tried to tell me that the only way I could ever be happy was to struggle to save a marriage that made me miserable. My primary sources of happiness now are my kids, my family, my pet, and my new favorite activity, running. Running is for me what hiking is for you. I can't not run. As far as something that i know cannot make me happy, that would be church. Been there, tried that for many years, doesn't work for me.
True happiness is internal and independent of external factors. All of the things you listed that make you happy are all external things. I have found that filling our needs though external things doesn't produce true and lasting happiness. You mentioned that if you couldn't hike you would be unhappy. To me that's not true happiness. External things can temporarily sway your happiness one way or the other but true happiness will always be there, regardless what is going on in our lives. Even while you were a member of the church you looked for it to fill your happiness, again looking for external things to make you happy.
“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” -Dalai Lama
JanelleAlleeBaker
I think you missed the whole point of this blog entry. Why do I think that? When you said, "To me..." and then tried to project YOUR feelings on whe writter. The point of this is that we all have our own version of happiness. If external stuff makes Dan happy then thats great for him. If you find happiness in internal things independent of external factors than thats great for you. I personally find happiness in beer. Hahah...I'm only kidding about the beer...kinda...anyways...I'm glad you know what makes you happy. When I figured that out happiness for myself it changed my life.
Lise
Music, spirituality, children, family and friends who are like family.... These are my primary sources of happiness. Singing is like breathing to me, and while I sing every day to whatever extent I can, I ache with longing that it cannot be more of my life at this time. I am a single mom, finishing my graduate degree in School Psychology and working 40 hours a week in an internship. Looking back at the choices I made (changing my degree from music to psychology when I needed more time at home with my baby), sometimes I wish I had done things differently. However, I am lucky that helping children is another primary source of happiness, if not quite like music. Every time I truly sing, or play my cello, my soul feels like it is soaring. I will truly feel whole when I figure out how to pull music back into my life the way it is meant to be. Spirituality, feeling my connecting to God, is also very important. I believe I feel this connection by exploring different belief systems. I "try on" different points of view and often times am in a state of totally questioning different theological ideas and perspectives. I belong to a faith system that embraces all faiths as being part of a greater plan of God, but I don't always agree with that either. Sometimes I don't feel I can be openw ith the fact that I really don't have it all figured out. I contemplate converting to other faiths for the experience, I really want to feel that I have the "truth", but I have come to embrace that I am a seeker, a questioner, who loves God, and maybe staying still is something I want to strive for.
ilik2BGoofy
Lise This is a great post. thank you for sharing it. I would like to offer a word that helped me all the times (notice I said times) I found myself in doubt. The word is prayer. Don't worry if you don't know how. He will hear you. The answers will come to you if you are still and know that He is God. I wish you the best experiences on this very important journey.
Shanny
After lots and lots of bad luck in my family I have figured out that "invisible imperishible good stuff" is what makes for happiness in my heart. Mr. Rodgers was right on: “In the external scheme of things, shining moments are as brief as the twinkling of an eye, yet such twinklings are what eternity is made of moments when we human beings can say ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you,’ ‘I forgive you,’ ‘I’m grateful for you.’ That’s what eternity is made of: invisible, imperishable good stuff.“ Mr. Fred Rogers
My primary sources of happiness are my children, quiet, cuddles, exercise, dinner out with my husband, and nature. What I can't do that makes other people happy is believe in religion. I just can't believe. I wish I could because it would all be so much simpler, but I don't and I can't.
ilik2BGoofy
Please forgive me I do not wish to offend you in any way, but I am hearing in your post. Alot of things that add up to self satisfying things. Don't get me wrong here those things have a place. I am just saying maybe reach out...volunteer. As a volunteer no one cares about religious afiliation just helping hands. Committing to anything or anyone is tough I do agree. Many of us have been hurt and disappointd with things and people in our lives. There is always someone else feeling worse. We are so afraid to reach out and help anymore. That is how we became the great nation that we are. Which was founded on religious freedom. I am so excited when I tune into another Religion's viewpoint. It helps me to see God in a more complete way. I know what my heart knows. I have found that no Religion has all the answers. I know many moabites (a wealthy people who ignored the poor in the church) every church has it's moabites, false teachings and beliefs run through all Religions. I have chosen the church that has what I believe to be the clearest message. The core teaching of it align perfectly with my own core beliefs. I have learned to be careful about everything I hear or read. If it disagree, I like to use it as an oppotunity for further study. I hope I helped. That was my intent.
AudriGood
My Primary Sources of Happiness: Pets, family, learning/studying, TOUCH (snuggles, hugs, pats, etc - that may sound silly, but I will seriously go crazy if I'm never touched/never touch anyone),
Secondary: TV, music, laughter, movies, spiritual searching & growing, children, friends,...
My primary's are easier for me to identify... not sure what that means. o_O
Also, I drastically fluctuate spiritually. Every few years I alternate between a devout conservative Christian and more of a Unitarian Universalist. I must admit, when I'm feeling very connected to a conservative view of God, I'm one of those who believes that its the only path to true happiness, and I'm a pain to be around. I imagine this is because of my own insecurities and confusion about God though. Probably many people who push a one-size-fits-all approach are doing so because of their own insecurities.
ilik2BGoofy
AudriGood I heard an Evangelistic preacher talk about a group of people I had never heard about before and I have been studying religion for years. I have studied many churches but this was new information for me. Moabites were people that separated themselves from the poor in the church. They lived above them. Where they could observe the condition of the poor. The moabites didn't associate with the poor because they believed that if the poor would only follow God the same way they were that their poverty would miracously be a thing of the past. the preacher went on to say that the Moabite attitude is found in all churches today. The Moabites were later destroyed. God loves all the poor. Poor doesn't just refer to lack of money and resources. We can be poor in spirit, poor in health, etc. Many would have you believe that it is a sin to doubt, I say don't stop questioning you will find the answers you seek and even if you don't you will at least be on the path of your true calling. If we forget about ourselves and our journey and focus a little more on the poor. God (or higher conscience) will get many of those answers without having to work so hard. I hope this helps.
LuKohnen
This is now one of my favorite quotes! Along w/ this one: "A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." ~Roald Dahl~
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
LuKohnen Lu, that's a great Dahl quote. Is that from one of his books?
I have loved all of your happiness series posts. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflecting. I would like to know your thoughts on one thing....what have you or others done when you have noticed that someone close to you is not happy....especially with the choices they are making. They "seemed" to be happy for years, living a full and eventful life with family and friends around....smiling, laughing, loving....then something happened about 5 years ago that ripped this person apart emotionally. The "secondary" sources of happiness in their life seem to be ok, but the "primary' source seems to be the struggle. Everyone close to this person can see that there is one obstacle stopping them from having happiness again...it has nothing to do with religion, marriage, job....although... this person seems to go up and down about those things as well and didn't before. There's been alot of blame going on in all of those areas. What would you do? Do you try to lovingly help them try to see what is happening or do you let them go and hope that they will find their primary source of happiness. I believe that happiness can often be seen in a person's eyes and in their countenance and it doesn't matter whether they have religion or marriage or a good job. It's what is deep inside. And if I see emptiness and loneliness in a person's eyes, I would hope they would know that I love them and am there to help in anyway I can. I know and understand my happiness...it's just very hard when someone I love is struggling with their own happiness and I want to help....but I don't know how without over stepping my boundaries. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Love your blog!
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
Ginger, yet another really great dynamic to happiness that can be explored. There's no doubt that many people have no primary source of happiness (yet), and the question of how to help them is a good one. I've marked it down as one to write for the series because I don't even know my opinion yet and I'd like to figure that one out (for me). :)
Single Dad Laughing Thank you Dan. I look forward to what you have to offer on this part of the subject. It's been one I've struggled with alot lately. Thanks:) :)
WendyTaylor
I have benn through so much, rape, illnees, lossing my vison, infertiility, substace abuseof my souce, and my son's brain tommer and you know whatt I have learnd? You do not need anything to be happy. Yes some things are pleasurable. They give us a breif feeling of happyness. They help us feel like we are in controle, life is normal but it is not actually real. Real happiness is quiet steady and unshakable. It exsists in the darkest places and keeps us alive through the unthankable. I can not show you how to find it but I can tell you it is there inside of you, alway. Skeing down the slopes or staring death in the face, it is there.
nlclampet
Firstly, Thank you so much for putting the feelings inside of me into words. I have been going through a very difficult time recently because my three year old daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy in October and has not had her episodes controlled for seven weeks now. I have become drained because she has been having 30+ seizures a day and I am a single parent who has not been able to work. During this time I have had some family members decide that it would be the best time to try to get me back into their brand of Christianity. I have also discovered that Christianity is not for me but it is their primary source of happiness.
This hard time has helped me to see that spirituality is one of my primary sources of happiness; as is motherhood, and freedom to learn. I feel trapped often as a mother but realize I couldn't live without it. I hope that in the future there will be a time where my three children are old enough so I can redistribute that energy into learning.
Thank you for giving this emotionally drained woman the respectful words to speak to her parents with love.
ilik2BGoofy
nlclampetSounds like you could use some love and encouragement too. Have you heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer? Google him you won't regret it . I have been a fan of hers since I was a teenage.
SarahTrottier
Primary Sources of Happiness:
*American Sign Language (interpreting, learning new things, linguistics, culture, etc.)
*Television - I adore it, I actually truly do need it. Maybe that's bad, but for me it makes me really happy.
*Spending time with people whom I adore (my family, cousins, boyfriend, etc.)
Secondary Sources of Happiness:
*Playing my violin
*Playing the piano
*Composing music
*Retreating into "alone" time
*Ice cream
I find that a lot of your posts resonate with me, I find myself nodding my head and relating to a lot of what you say. Specifically in regards to the "Plan of Happiness" church--that's my church that I was raised in my entire life. It's the church that many people in my life want me to become more orthodox and observant towards. But I truly can't become THAT person they want me to be. It's a vicious cycle--there's no measurable amount of "trying" that is enough, if you don't feel the same way...you are just not trying enough. That sort of mentality isn't something I can find happiness in--it's not something I will ever succeed at.
And I'm okay with that, I wish others would be too.
ilik2BGoofy
SarahTrottier Let the people around know that a belief in God is all you need for Him to find you. When our hearts get hardened toward Him it makes it harder for you to hear him. He never leaves you. Remember that many people once they find God they think that everyone should interpret the relationship their way. God knows us individually. He loves all of us. Even the Atheist. Don't tell them I said that. Hahaha
BelJean
I really enjoyed this article. I guess it all boils down to being true to ourselves. To sit back and take a long look at what REALLY makes us happy. So many of us just go through life getting through the day. I've had times in my life like that. I think also that different things can make us happy at different times in our lives. I'm not the same person at 50 that I was at 20. What makes me happy today is different then what made me happy then. So, I think it is time for a deep look into what really makes me happy...today. Thanks for helping me see it's time for some soul searching again.
EranRendell
This post really got me thinking... what actually is my source of true happiness? I am sad to say that I am not sure and haven't been in a long time. I believed in that idea that I will always come last and in being that person... I have lost myself.
I absolutely adore my children and they are certainly the most important source of happiness for me. They are at the core of all that is me. I have 3 from a previous marriage (14, 13 and 10), an 8 year old stepson and a brand new 5 month old baby girl. Honestly, my world gets rocked every time one of them travels to the other parent, even my stepson who lights up my life. I need to figure out what makes me happy so that the void is not so big when they are gone. My husband is another one. I feel so blessed to have found this amazing man. Sitting on the couch snuggling with him and the kiddos for family movie night is a highlight of every week and one that I miss when we don't have it.
I have a few secondary sources... hiking and kayaking for sure, anything outdoors.
I didn't realize that I was in as much emotional turmoil as I am until I read this post... thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Time to start working on me and not worry so much what others are thinking :)
SnglParents
I love that you mention fatherhood is a primary source of happiness. That is a constant that is now part of your being. Im not buying all those other things in your long list you mention such as hiking, skiing, etc.... those are extensions of you, but not what make you. Happiness is an inner peace you cant point to one specific area, religion or not. Its a state of mind and feeling found within. Im betting chances are if you have God or some supreme being in your life you are more than likely happy. You just know because you can feel it. If you didnt go hiking are you really going to be unhappy? The state of Happiness runs deeper. Are we going to allow others happiness or unhappiness impact us? Truly happy people love to see what makes others happy even we dont agree with it.
MOre constants will support your happiness such as WHat do you believe in? WHat motivates you? What fuels your energy? What do you feel? Does helping your neighbor weigh in on how you feel about yourself? We need people. We need to love ourselves. We need constants. Those are part of the equation.
All this being said, I guess you can find temporary happiness in a hobby. You are either always a happy person or you are an unhappy person who finds temporary happiness in superficial things. Look deeper.
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
SnglParents I'm not completely sure you understood what I was writing in this post as several of the things you seem to be correcting me on are the very message I was sharing.
To answer your question, yes I would be unhappy if I couldn't hike. Really unhappy. And it's not for the sake of hiking, it's for the spiritual connection I get when I do it. Hiking is the only way I have found to have that connection in my life and to have it powerfully.
Sarah Mickalson
Great post. My primary sources of happiness are my kids, working out, beng healthy, and socializing. It makes sense that not all people can find spirituality in church. Some people arent cut out for a desk job, and need to be on the go. Some people learn by being hands on and some learn better from books or a classroom. We are all unique and different and thats what makes us interesting. I too prefer to find my spirituality enjoying everything that god has created instead of in a church. I get ADD sitting in a pew. The most important thing a person can do is find what makes them happy and fulfills them. Happiness changes people. It changes their attitude. They are more apt to do good if they are happy. More willing to serve others and help others, they are more conscious of others happiness, etc. I also find happiness in my trials though. My trials help me appreciate all the good things in my life and they make me stronger.
sarah.naumcheff
Is it really so terribly bad that one of my greatest sources of happiness is shopping? Like I really NEED to shop (I dont need to spend money, but I do need to spend time at the mall if you know what I'm saying >.<). If I dont then I go stir crazy. Of course I have other sources of happiness, but honestly that is the biggest one. LOL. Maybe its cause I dont have kids yet? I am religious, and I enjoy my church and my God, but I honestly can't say that it's a big source of happiness, maybe a tertiary source.. haha. I also derive extreme happiness from nature, from being surrounded by the beauty of God, literally the first thing I did when I moved to my current town of Vacaville, CA was look for hiking places and lakes and whatnot (if you're ever in the area an amazing place to hike is Tennessee Valley Beach near San Fran, its AMAZING! :D )
If I took your list of sources of happiness the one that I would say actual provides unhappiness for me is definitely fitness, I try to work out, but it really is more of a chore since I know that I need to work out in order to be healthy, but it for sure does NOT bring me any happiness, which is funny since if you read ANYTHING about exercise online they spout all this crap about how it will counteract depression and the endorphins and stuff, but honestly I never feel better after exercising. lol.
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
sarah.naumcheff Haha. Heck no. One of my greatest (secondary) sources of happiness is shopping too! It's why I have like 50 pairs of shoes. I've been collecting them for more than a decade now and I have a very hard time throwing old shoes out. :)
NerdBliss
sarah.naumcheff Exercise is a tough thing for me, too. I find most workouts dull as dirt. But, like healthy food, I do think there is something for everyone as far as a way to get that moving around in a way that you'll enjoy. I love to swim, second to that yoga is nice. I've also found Wii is a great tool for getting up off my butt. Just Dance is currently my favorite, but I've used (borrowed) Wii Fit in the past and it's fun.
tomiannie
I hesitate to post my thoughts, because I know I'm in that group that irks you -- the people who love you and hope that you will find your way back. But let me say this: I think a whole lot gets lumped into "the plan of happiness" that doesn't have anything to do with it. A lot of lifestyle, appearance, and other secondary, totally-irrelevant-to-God's-plan STUFF that doesn't matter. THAT is the stuff that causes all this negativity -- us believing or pushing others to believe (whether we mean to or not) that the secondary stuff IS the "plan." It's living the shoulds -- we should look a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way in order to be loved -- that trips people up. I do believe that God has a plan for us, and some very important, core, eternal things are the same for everyone. But I also think a lot more is left up to each of us than most of us give each other credit for.
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
tomiannie I agree with much of that, sis. And please always feel free to comment on anything. :) The phrase you did write that doesn't sit right with me is "the people who love you and hope that you will find your way back."
I believe as strongly in my beliefs as you do in yours. But I also believe my life would make you miserable, and so I have no desire for you to leave your life to live my life. I'd rather you just be in the group "that loves me" and I'll be in the group that "loves you," and we leave it at that.
"Finding my way back" would mean going back to something that made me absolutely miserable. Why would you hope for that for me?
Dedicated Mommy
Single Dad Laughing I completely agree with you. I'll give you first a little background about me. I am not religious in any sense. I was not brought up in a church or preached at and I have absolutely no interest in being religious. However, people get this confused with thinking that I know nothing about religion and that I'm lost, which is also not true. As far as my views of religion, I believe in human connection - that people can do good and people of good nature will gravitate towards each other and achieve greater than good. I find happiness in a world of people who strive to achieve good, whether alone or as a group. And if those people are "good natured" or "good hearted" and find that strength in God, then I still support them because the end result is essentially the same: positive. However, I choose to put the strength and credit of doing and being a good human into myself rather than God. I don't feel like people give themselves enough credit and that makes me sad. They give the credit to God because "he got them through it"... why not be proud to have toughed something out on your own?! I pride myself on being the best mommy, family member, friend, coworker, etc. that I can for others every single day.
With that being said, the comment from tomiannie of "I hope that you find your way back" really bothers me to the core. I don't understand why religious people view non-religious people as "lost"? What gives you the right to say that you are right in your beliefs vs. I am wrong with mine? Do you find yourself superior? I've already stated that I fully support your beliefs only because it makes you a better person. And if mine make me a better person, why isn't that as equally appreciated? I don't go around trying to convert people to not believe, or have the assumption that they are sick inside... that's absolutely not my business! Nor does it really affect my life, it's of no bother to me. Why are the non-religious of such a concern? I honestly feel like the religious are far less open-hearted to others than those of non-religion and free thinking. In fact most wars and problems are created because of religion (because religion is judgmental and breeds hate), so I ask you to consider how much things would have been different from the beginning of time had religion never played a part. I accept and love everyone for who they are, no matter their race, age, gender, sexual preference, etc. And I will stand up for ANY of those as I believe equality should be the biggest focus... we live in a world of hate and judgement and it makes me sick. And I find that the biggest judges of all, I hate to say, are people who follow religion.
I will never find happiness in religion. In fact, it would probably disrupt many other very happy parts of my life that have nothing to do with it and cause me to lash out. It would actually do more harm than anything else because I would be angry feeling brainwashed and forced into life choices. I enjoy my freedom of choices in my life. And I further enjoy making the right choices knowing that I chose to do so, not because of fear of God or religious repercussions swayed me to. Please do not pray that I find my way, because I'm already on my chosen path. My path, unlike yours, is chosen by me, not by God. To tell me I'm "lost" is nothing but sheer offense and doubt and I take that very personally and degrading. If people can tell me something tangible that I need to change to be a better person then I will listen and strive for better. But to say that I'm wandering because I don't believe in God the same way as you - I find it egotistical and offensive. It translates to me as "I am superior and you are ignorant." That shuts down all lines of communication from the very beginning. I just ask for the religious community to realize that good people do exist outside of religion, and stop trying to change that. It breeds hard feelings.
ilik2BGoofy
I almost decided not to reply, but I will take a moment and just say, keep moving forward allow all those who are not on yourside to naturally fall by the wayside. Do you know about Sisophus? I know I missed spelled it so you might have trouble finding it. It could help. Follow your heart and you will be respected by a group of your peers of which I am one. I am religious, but I choose to not use unrighteous dominion over another. May the road rise up to meet you.,
Chris B
tomiannie
I do not know you and have never met you, so I hope you can take my comment as the view from someone who can relate. I hope that it doesn't offend, as that I surely not my intent. I merely would like to share an observation of someone in a similar position.
I also used be a member of the same church. I, truly, could have been a poster child - handing out BOMs on a High School trip through Europe, achieving scripture mastery in each book in release time seminary, taking notes at each session of Gen. Conf., President of all 3 of my YW groups, etc. I left the church in 2006 and as soon as I had made the decision (after much personal agony, I assure you) I knew immediately it was the right decision for me. All the time that has passed since then has confirmed this decision for me, and I hold no bitterness or issue with the church or any of my friends and family (all still VERY active). I honestly am happy that they have found and can rely on what it is they believe. I also don't wish for them to change their behavior or beliefs when I am around. I do however feel very disrespected when they use phrases like "hope you will find your way back".
I also know that *because* of your beliefs, you really can't NOT feel this way. That accepting our choice means you are "okay" with the vast ramifications you "know" will play out. But to tell us this, though we are aware of it, does not convey your love for us. It does not remind us that you love us. It does not demonstrate to us that you want us to be happy or that you want what's best for us. What it DOES do is convey that our beliefs are not respected, that our ability to make an informed choice to believe (or not) as we now do is not respected. In a very passive aggressive way, it implies that we made a wrong choice.
I don't believe this is what anyone who says or portrays this is really trying to convey, but unfortunately, that is ultimately what is being said. What we would prefer, and more than that, NEED is, as Dan noted, for you to tell us that you love us. That you care about us. We need you stating just that and nothing else. Stating anything beyond that, with regard to our or your beliefs, serves to only undermine your message of caring and love.
Again, I hope that I did not offend. I am so very happy that you, my family and many of my friends have been able to find truth in this religion - one of the things that is core to their/your happiness. I just hope that someday they can realize what Dan has conveyed here: "[Their] Happiness Ain’t My Happiness", and that they can be happy for me, too. :)
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
Chris B tomiannie Chris, this is a really powerful and kind response. You hit it right on the button and so eloquently too. :)
ilik2BGoofy
Funny thing here, I get the same treatment by some in the church and I have never left it. For me it has been one of my greatest blessings. Every religion has these kind of people in it. I look at it this way if there weren't then why would Satan be in them trying to get us to get offended and leave. I have studied many religions throughout my life. Mostly because I was treated very well by people from many different religions as I grew up. That made me curious to see what made them so happy. One church does not work for everyone. That is so Okay on so many levels. I personally believe that if we reinforce our own personal relationship with God he will direct us where we need to be. I am grateful to my religion for what it has brought me through. I am glad for you that you found some peace in where you are at. If we ever cross paths someday...let's go have a cup of whatever and I promise I will never utter the words..".I hope you find your way back". How does that sound? By the way some of my family has disowned me pretty much too. I can honestly say that my behavior has contributed, I have changed but they are still holding on to the person I used to be. I say they just don't get me and they never will and I am okay with that. My life has been so much better for it. My advice is limit your contact with them and embrace your new found family. I figure when we get to the pearly gates, Peter will sneak me through somehow so no one will know I am even there. Did you know that 85% of Mormons are married to non-members and most of those marriages have worked well. I guess some people do live by Article of Faith #11. Sorry I am assuming here based on your text that you were talking about the LDS church. I apologize if I got that wrong.
Thank you for this post. I too, belong to that "Plan of Happiness" church, and while I am comfortable with it, my husband is not. We've struggled through most of our marriage because of the expectations of friends and family that my husband will be an active member of the church. Most of the time, I am accepting of his choices, and supportive and loving. Sometimes, though, the pressure from outside gets to me and I start worrying about our place in the grand scheme of things, and then I unfairly criticize him for not feeling the same way I do. Thank you for reminding me that he has a right to his own source of happiness, even when it's different from mine. I think, in the end, all I want is for each member of our little family to be as happy as can be. I find my happiness in our two adorable daughters, and in the love of my husband, who is a wonderful man.
Single Dad Laughing
moderator
Alicia, you. are. a. rockstar. I am so happy that you see that your husband is a wonderful man even though he has different primary sources of happiness.
lovindmutts
Primary happiness: kids, friends, family.... If I were in that elite club of motherhood, my primary happiness would come from simply being a mom to my own children.. I'm just not there yet. For now, it's friends, family, and others' children, when I get to work with them.
Secondary happiness: accomplishment of any sort (finishing a project, marking things off my to-do list), writing (see my blog- godslove-myworld.blogspot.com ) , experiencing order (vs chaos.. yes, I like cleaning)....
Conversation from Facebook
Kim Cordon Mathews
Oh thank you for this one. I really needed it.
Jacquelinne Arce
Love it!
Steven Heath
Wonderful post Dan! For me, the primaries are being with my daughter and around children in general, communing with the Universal Energies, and talking with my two best friends.
Heather Odell
One of my favorite articles you have written to date! I have struggled with guilt over things that make me happy, that uber religious folk disagree as being happy makers. Your writings have been making me feel comfortable being *me. Thank you!!!
Michael Jones
Such gentle, loving wisdom...yet I have relatives who would pop a blood vessel just reading it.
BreeAnne Barker Stanger
Love this!
Dahna Moldt Woolf
So true!! Have a sister who thinks this way, if u don't think or act how she thinks you should then you are all messed up!! Ha!
Kendra Arenz
I'm reposting :)
Michelle Carter Millburn
Thanks! I reposted - hope you don't mind! :)
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I'm just starting to find out what MY real primary sources of happiness are after years of trying to play the part...or fit the mold. Much like you, church tried to sculpt me into something I honestly believed I wanted. After years of depression, unhappiness, resentment and very good acting I walked away. In the last six months I've removed myself from the distractions I had in my life...or should I say "covers". For the first time in my adult life I have taken the time to look at things from MY perspective, not the one I thought I should have. Yes, I've felt guilty...surprisingly over the little things rather than the big things. But I'm seeing ME, the real me, the me I stuffed away...the me I never found...for the first time. This is what I have discovered....My primary sources for happiness are honest relationships and balance. I cannot let myself get sucked back into a world of only black or white. Of revolving around everyone else's happiness and never mine. Of thinking my happiness depended on everyone else's. I am too allowed to have my own. Of course there are my secondary sources that keep me plugging along...blogging/writing, walking, disappearing in music, traveling to uncommon places & laughing with my kids and my best friend. For the first time since I was about ten years old, I can say that I am deeply happy. I'm no longer letting others project their outline of happiness on me. Thank you for your amazing blog...I say amazing because you write things that I've been trying to get into words for years...Its like you're in my head! And I must say, I'm pretty amazing too.
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