For the past several months (when I remember), I’ve been keeping a list of some of the most funny, most clever, cheesiest, mushiest, and most random Facebook status updates I’ve seen roll across my Facebook homepage. Enjoy.

  • There’s a lot of runners and cyclists out on the road this morning. I’m so proud of all of them and I think it shows as I wave to them from this McDonald’s drive thru.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • I’ve been in Hawaii for 1 month. Cowboy sightings = 0
  • i am pretty sure my uterus’ favorite food is pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
  • Hate it when I’m on the phone and can’t understand a word the person is saying… Then it goes silent and sounds like they may want some sort of response… “Oh, haha, that’s awesome…”
  • Feeling like someone dumped a bucket of sweat all over me!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • who knew i’d hear the best advice i’ve ever received about dating from a hammered guy.
  • Eat cake eat cake!!!
  • If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him… is he still wrong?
  • What I lack in humility, I make up for in awesomeness.
  • Wow- 2 brothels in town. Stay classy, Greenbelt.
  • had a dream that i got put back in 3rd grade billy madison style, and then kept getting in trouble for flipping off kids.
  • Taking 3 children to a 2 + hour fondue dining experience is 1 of the 3 stupidest decisions we’ve ever made.
  • Five 24′ box trucks, two days, and 166 man hours later there’s a 13 year old girl who should have a pretty damn good birthday.
  • I heard my son making some weird noises in the other room so I walk in and ask him what he was doing/saying and he says, “Oh, nothin’. Just beat boxin’.”
  • Baby teeth are a cruel form of punishment. Cruel!
  • Headed to Walmart with my “extreme couponing” strategy.
  • Just found out that dogs, cats, elephants and dolphins have bellybuttons! Kangaroos don’t.
  • There is nothing more tender than a child riding on the back of her very obese, grandfather’s jazzy.
  • There is some kind of animal in my attic… I barely like my own so wtf do I do?
  • When I say “The other day” It can mean any time from yesterday, to 364 days ago.
  • my 9 year old said… “I don’t kno why they call it Social studies cuz its nothing social and all studies!!!”
  • You know that little thing in your head to keep you from saying things you ain’t supposed to? Yeah I don’t have one of them.
  • So which cow goes to the butcher 2morrow?
  • I forgot how good horsey fly repellent smelt!! Love it!
  • When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Give little kids lollipops so they are running around w/ sticks hangin’ out of their mouths, then send them to play on a steep, grass hill – brilliant.
  • ‎$0.35 from the washer, $1.00 from the dryer. Just 740,741 more loads of laundry until I become a millionaire!!!!
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS, thanks to my awesome Facebook friends who supplied the awesome content for today’s post. No disrespect intended. Your status updates made me smile!

Which were your favorites? Also, be sure to check out past Facebook Status Roast posts!

SHARE
Previous articleThis is Beautiful You
Next articleWhy are the People You Love Telling Me their Secrets Instead of You
Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!