This is Chapter 25 of my book The Real Dad Rules, and while written to Dads, certainly can apply to parents of either gender. >>
There is no doubt that as children age, they naturally become more and more independent until they one day feel sovereign enough to leave Dad and Mom and begin to live life on their own as liberated adults. For some parents, that move to independence is welcomed, for some it is feared, for most it is bitter-sweet.
When it comes to their children discovering and wanting furthered independence, there are many diverse ways in which parents respond.
Some parents fight this independence as it naturally begins to present itself, and they work to ensure that their children don’t just need them, but are completely dependent on them for any number of different needs which could include money, emotional support, confidence, or friendship. Parents who do this often feel that their children’s gradual loss of need for them is equivalent to a loss of love for them. Some of them have used their children as their only means to cover the scars left by some painful past. And, as their children begin to find independence, those scars begin to reopen, pushing these parents to do everything in their power to keep their scars covered and closed. These parents keep their baby birds in the nest long after they should have been pushed over the edge. The result is kids who never really learn how to fly and find food on their own.
Other parents find themselves going to the opposite extreme. They push their children into complete independence on a schedule that is far too hurried. They expect their children to give themselves almost any and all support, far before they’re ready or should have to. The children of these parents often are pushed into heavy working schedules at a young age, are given very little emotional support, and are rarely validated in their feelings and emotions. As their children get closer and closer to adulthood, these parents can hardly wait for them to come of age and move on. Their children are often viewed as a drainage of time and resource. The advantages and help that are offered to their children are infrequent at best. These parents shove their baby birds over the edge long before they’re capable of flying. The result is that their kids get hurt or broken when they land, and if they do ever learn to fly and find food on their own, it’s usually from the most uneducated of teachers.
Real dads neither keep their children dependent on them, nor do they push them into independence faster than they should. They let their kids grow up, and they also do their best to keep them from facing the grown-up life that they shouldn’t yet need to experience. They nudge their children to the edge of the nest, but they don’t push them over until they’re strong enough to fly and find food on their own. They give them many opportunities to look over the side and constantly take in the vast world in front of them. But until their children are ready to go out and experience life on their own, learning about the world from the safety of the nest is both important and crucial to their ability to survive once they do leave.
The nudging by a real dad starts when his children are still very young. He lets his child make small decisions that he knows are not the best decisions, knowing that each time he does, his child will have the opportunity not just to learn from her mistakes, but to learn that she is accountable for what she does or doesn’t choose.
At the age of four, I have the constant opportunity to give Noah experience with independency, though the temptation is certainly there to not. Just this morning he was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, once again happily playing with his Lincoln Logs. He had just started a new structure, and just as the time that I mentioned before, the foundation wasn’t level. Wanting to make sure that his new building didn’t tumble once it reached a certain height, I offered to show him exactly where the weaknesses were in his foundation.
And, just as the time I mentioned before, he quickly insisted that he didn’t want or need my help and that he could do it on his own. Everything inside of me was clawing at me to jump in against my son’s will and fix his little structure. I withstood the temptation, but offered my expertise again, assuring him that if he kept building it the way he was, it would most certainly fall over. He again declared that he wanted to build it his way, and so against everything within me, I told him that it was both his choice, and that he was smart enough to make choices like that on his own. This same dialogue has happened many times over the past year or so, and has offered us both many opportunities to learn.
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CarpeDiemTim Every day.
dreamfeathermassage
My mom always quotes her favorite line from my grandmother: "Your children are only on loan". She's tried very hard to live up to that and in my opinion she did a wonderful job.My husband and I like to say that we are not raising children...we are raising the adults they are going to be....and if we do it right, they will be prepared to soar.My daughter and I (she just turned 10) watch Glee together and use the time after each show to talk about the issues that come up. One evening in response to the two teen characters wanting to get married, we talked about growing up, parenting, and becoming independent. She was worried about being 'let go' too soon, so I used this analogy."You and I are driving a carriage pulled by many horses...all of them with separate reins. After a time riding together I hand you one of the reins and let you steer that horse. If you mess up, it's ok, I have all the other reins and I can help you learn how to handle that horse on your own...and if you drop the rain I'm there to pick it up. After a while you will find that driving that horse is 2nd nature to you...and when it is, I will hand you another rein. Along the way I'll keep handing you new reins as you are ready to take them on. Sometimes you'll fumble and drop one, but I'm there to help with that and pick up the slack if you falter. Pretty soon you'll realize that I've handed the last rein into your control...but I'm still sitting there next to you to help you out.When I think your ready, I'll jump into the back seat....there to give you encouragement, but you'll need to pick up any reins you drop on your own. Eventually you will realize that I have left your carriage and am riding in my own. We'll still meet down the road sometimes but now it's up to you to make your own turnings and decide your own path.That's parenting. If I hand you all the reins too early, or make you wait til I leave the carriage and you are forced to pick them up on your own...then I haven't done my job"It was a lovely conversation and we both understood well that I am only a temporary caretaker to the reins of her life...it's her job to take them on when she's ready and it's my job to let them go.
SarahBarnard
dreamfeathermassage
Love that analogy...it's a great illustration of parenting as it should be,
Out of curiosity, to what extent do you think the need to provide every one of your own 'extras' in your youth contributed to your later issues - specifically your drive for a better job, more money, more things?
zedseverywhere
Some parents just dont know how to cut the umbilical cord. lol.
crosini1
Dan, your post get better and better each day. It's hard to top the last one, then you do and with style! You put so much hard work and it shows! This post was very deep. I think you are correct when raising a child you can't just correct them but educate them. Growing up my dad like yours helped me along but showed me the value of hard work. If i wanted something i would have to earn it. My parents would help pay for some things but growing up and not being that child asking for this or that and making a scene makes me look back and smile.
Independence is very tricky, we just have to really play it by ear. Sometimes we have to let go and watch our kids struggle a little so the know and learn but always let them know were there to catch them... My parents helped were there big time for me as a child growing up but also the past several years as i went through my divorce.
Tonight I was at my parents tonight. I went over for dinner cause as a single dad with 2 jobs I 1. dont get to see them much and 2 get a free dinner and left overs! But as i left my dad gave me a big hub. He usually gives me a hug yes but this time his arms were so far out it just made me smile. I love my dad so much he has been an inspiration and he is one of the reasons i try and work and do so much for my child to live up to him. Your post made me realize how amazing my family is, how amazing a dad you are, and how i hope to be to.
From one single dad to another...
Thanks Dan,
If I may say if I were there I would not only thank you and shake your hand, but give you a big hug for all you do...
Keep posting my single dad brother...
kekah1689
In no way is this meant to be rude, but I knew all this already. :D This is exactly how my father raised me. I half thought it was because he is technically the age of my peers grandparents, and therefore had a different life view, which in a way I'm sure is true, but I couldn't be more thankful. I had chores I had to do around the house, I did not get an allowance for these. There were chores my mother and my father both had, and if I went out of my way and did those chores, Dad would give me something for going 'above and beyond'. He also owned his own business, in which I was welcome to work, and when I did, I made a paycheck. I was required to put 10% in the bank, and not touch it, but was welcome to the rest of it. When I played sports and became a cheerleader, i was required to make my own money to provide for the uniforms and such, but mom and dad would usually cover the initial cost of me getting into the them. Dad bought me my first car, and when it broke down completely he co-signed a loan for me, and told me that the rules were this: If I did not make a payment on time, he would make that payment, but by doing so, he gained control of the vehicle until I re-payed my debt to him, and payed the next payment as well. I was required to pay everything that went along with the car, insurance and basic maintenance and gas. He said I had no reason to miss a payment because if I could not find a job, or had lost my job I always had a job in his shop in which to continue making money to make my payments, so he would brook no arguments. I had chores I did every summer, and those I got paid for, cause it was much harder work than my normal household chores, I also got paid for each A on my report card. To this day I do something at least once a year and hit myself in the head thinking "WHY OH WHY did I NOT listen to dad when he gave me this advice 15 years ago?" Then I call him to tell him that once again I didn't listen and learned this or that and he always very lovingly says "Yes, honey, I told you so." LOL! Now, he rarely forces his advice unless he truly sees its needed, but usually he is the first one I call when advice is needed, cause so far.....he has always been right...annoyingly so. But, I am getting ready to have my first child, just found out it's a boy...due in July....and I think I may be making many more calls for said advice...and will also be following along on here cause you seem to have a very good idea about what is going on...so, thanks for that! :D
scootershell08
This is SUCH an important thing for parents to learn! My son is only 3 so I'm kind of a long way from him leaving the nest, but even now, as I'm typing, he's wanting to do things for himself that previously he couldn't do. I'm constantly reminding myself to let him have a go and not butt in. I think my parents did a really good job of helping us to independence (although my hubby would have liked me to learn to cook before I married him :-) ). They generally did an awesome job of holding back and letting go, especially during the teenage years. My mother-in-law, however, has really struggled. My hubby and his sister are in their late 30's and she still treats them like children. She hasn't come to that crucial point of understanding that her children have different opinions and values than she does. She's a wonderful woman in so many ways! But this has caused intense pain in their relationship, to the point that her kids avoid her. So please, parents, even though it can be REALLY hard, let your children become independent adults! You will get SO much more from your relationship if you do.
JenB
Dan, My boyfriend and I love reading your posts, this one included. In fact, it made such a impact for me, I want to buy your book. The thing is, I don't have kids. I'm 26, and my boyfriend and I are trying to build our relationship with the knowledge that one day, we both want to have kids. We both agree that your book will be a lot of help for us to read, and stock up on knowledge on how to raise our kids. You've given us a good path to explore, thank you. :)
the Motherlode
Oh, Dan. As I ponder the journey my oldest son is about to take in September; to go off to university for the first time, potentially in the UK, I struggle with comprehending all the skills with which he has equipped himself because I allowed him to grow up at his pace, and in his way. And although I am not ready to see him off on this journey across the ocean, I know that he is. I celebrate that I have given him the freedom to grow so that he feels ready for this adventure, but I look at him and see the little boy I want to make sure I have taught all of the little lessons he might need. I don't need to. What I have given him are the skills to manage the mistakes as they come along, advocate for himself, engage the necessary supports and to be resilient. When he does leave in September, I will surely cry because I will miss his company, not because I am concerned he is not ready. This is the gift I have given him as a parent.
Conversation from Facebook
Heather Eaton
Amen...and I need to remind myself of this often. Thanks for this. Gonna have to copy ;)
Susan Leonhardt-Shearon
understands this and is patient with your decisions.
Susan Leonhardt-Shearon
Silka you are in a tough situation and I know personally what you are going through one of my sons is in that same situation but is able to maintain a 40 hr. job and keep his apartment but he is a lot older than your daughter. It isn't easy for him and I worry about him every day so there is an open invitation for him to spend some nights at our home and his dad's home when he needs to. But as I said he is a grown adult your daughter needs to have some stability in her life right now before she goes out on her own. Mental illness changes everyone's lives and there are support groups you can attend as a family or group that are free. And feel free to chat privately with me anytime. I can share some more details with you that I can't in this message. Hope Chris
Silka Clark
Thank you for this post, it is timely in my life right now as I have an 18 year old daughter that struggles with mental illness. I let her off the apron strings for six months last year after years of hearing her say she can't wait to move out. She struggled living on her own in another state and is now back home with me again. I feel that in the past no matter how many boundaries and rules and life skills I tried to teach her, she was convinced she knew it all and was ready. Now she is more humbled and I feel I need to use this time to teach her how to be an adult. She is not ready to be on her own yet. The problem is my husband, her step dad, sees her as just a free loading teenager living on our couch and wants her out. We are not seeing eye to eye at all and it is hurting our relationship. I feel I need to do more to prepare her for life on her own, and she is trying very hard to find work, but it just hasn't happened yet. I guess my point was that sometimes its not both parents. I'm not trying to hold on to her and prevent her from leaving the nest, but I know if I push her over the edge now she will fall to the ground, and I want her to soar. I did realize by your words that I need to instill more responsibility in all of my kids. Thank you for writing it.
Beth Dumpert Brown
you bet. We raised our children to become adults. They have surpassed my expectations. That first time I let the oldest ride her bike to the city pool (4 blocks) by herself was trying, but worse for her dad when he got home from work :)
Lydia Loeskow Söderberg
Not easy to find, I intented to write!;)
Lydia Loeskow Söderberg
I am the mother of three now teenaged sons, 14, 16 & 18. They are wonderful people. I love them so much. And I have to let them grow away from me, because of that love... It is hardest with the youngest, we have been so very close. Now he is turning more and more to his dad, and needs to do so because he is turning into a man. I am glad I can share the parenting with My husband, but I have to work on My feelings of loss. To My kids I am open with feelings but/and also encourage them to do their necessary growing anyway and ensure them it's totally ok. We have a warm climate in our home(Gothenburg,Sweden), I really hope everone in it feels safe, accepted and loved. Sometimes I feel My husband pushes our oldest son to harshly, but maybe that is necessary for a Dad? It is not East to fond the right balance...
Lisa Mills
Amen.
Lynette Minor
My eight user old son & I are going through growing pains. It so hard for Mommy (me) to let go, stop trying to do everything for him & let him struggle & strive. But it is nessaary & healthy - for both if us! Sigh... :) I am very proud of him & let him know it!
Ann. Hudson Stone
This was great Dan!
Steven Heath
Well, everyone can relate. We all experienced one of the three.
Rebecca Peterson
My husband and I get told all the time that we are "too strict" with our daughter. We have expectations set for her which are all things she can accomplish without our help. Yet, these same people see how fiercely independent she is and it makes me laugh. She's independent because she has enforced boundaries and knows that she can ask for help. I think many of the problems society blames mental issues on is a child's insecurity based on having no set boundaries.
Cheryl Greenfield
Yep... please don't do everything for your kids; let them do as much as they can for themselves, as is developmentally appropriate. You are not raising children; you are raising people who one day need to be functioning ADULTS!!
Rachel Raucher
wonderful parenting wisdom!
Sandy Peel
I do that and it is amazing to me how people with out kids think I'm crazy ! Lol
Lisa Haveman Simpson
Love it!
Ardan Sharp
Another beautiful post :)
Chris D'Amico
Amazing post, one if my favorite yet from you...i am a single dad as well and I have been reading you for a while....even started my own blog because of u, I'm not the writer you are but it let's me write how I feel and that's all that matters
Amanda Osborn
I read somewhere that the two of the most important things a parent can give to their children is wings to fly and roots to come home to. Makes watching them grow up a little bit easier....
Stacey Robertson
My ex has this issue and it's caused a few arguments between us. Myself I'd rather they make decisions now that I can help them with, rather than be clueless adults on their own. I started them when they were young letting them make controlled choices, now as teenagers and young adults they have the tools to make informed decisions.
Nathan Tompkins
When I was growing up my parents thought the idea of me cleaning my room was an amazing thing...then they came to the conclusion they were wrong. It was actually me keeping my big mouth shut.
Crystal Campagne
It can be hard to stand back and let them risk failing. But if they never take that risk, they can never truly succeed.
Sarah Baines-Garza
Love the quote. Going to repost.
Like SDL on Facebook!
It's always bittersweet reading your parenting advice, Dan, because on one hand, I take note of all this good advice that seems to really make sense. And on the other, I resent my own father for not doing the same, and honestly, I feel less loved because he didn't make that effort (or at the very least, I respect him less as a parent). So I wonder, does anyone else here ever find themselves feeling the same thing when ålearning a new parenting lesson?
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