The Phenomenon of “Fearful Sharing”

I shared it on FB.  Absolutely.  And my real life friends - as opposed to FB friends - will know exactly why.  I am not one to hide my opinion or my feelings, so if people don't like it, they can leave my page.  

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love what you write, and the heart you write it with.  

I shared Who's Life is It Anyway publicly on Facebook. I'm so glad I did because an online friend, who I'll likely never meet in person, read it and reached out to me to talk about some things in her life.

It was okay for me to share it for the same reasons it was okay for you to write it. I've been through some of those changes over the last few years. The process sucked and it wasn't all my choice, but I put my life back together in a way that has left me happy and content for the first I can remember. I had, no joke, coast-to-coast gossip about the choices I did make.

It's not perfect, but life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Hm. I don't normally share blog posts, so I'm not probably the audience you're addressing. The only one I think I've actually addressed is the "I'm Christian Unless You're Gay" because there were people I felt needed to read it. People I felt needed to perhaps rethink how they paint the world with such a broad brush. I don't normally share other posts. I don't know why, I just don't. Nothing personal - I don't share other blogger's posts, either, although I do talk about what I read in conversation with people all the time. (Maybe it's because my blog posts never get shared, so it never occurs to me that it's something people do a lot.)

Anyway, that's not what I came to say. What I came to say is this. I don't actually know anyone who I THINK would fit this description. Or at least, maybe they are on the inside and aren't manifesting it on the outside. But who am I to give them a blog post and think they need to take action based on something a blogger - not a mental health professional - says about his own life?

I share on my own blog about my own feelings. I've shared about my depression. I've shared about the time I spent in the ICU and found out if we'd made it any later I could have met a very different end - and how that has shaped my life and what the residuals have been. I've shared secrets. I don't know how a total stranger would get them to do open up when a trusted friend couldn't, but maybe that's arrogant of me. Most of my friends don't really read blogs at all - they read mine because they're my friend, and it's sort of a chore to do so sometimes. Getting them to read ANOTHER blog is something else entirely. LOL I'm a rare bird in my circle.

http://troismommy.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/why-this-80s-girl-was-more-affected-by-a-monkee-than-a-houston/

I read it to my roommate. He loved it. He asked his ex to read it, so maybe she could understand what he has gone through. I'm afraid to share with others, because I'm afraid of offending them: If I don't choose happiness the way they think I should choose happiness, they'll feel hurt and sad, and I don't want that. Mostly, I don't want them to feel hurt or sad, because I am not quite strong enough (yet) to let them feel that without trying to fix it... And I KNOW I don't to go back to that way of being. Eventually, though, I'll be ready to be as open as I want to be.Dan, why did it take you so long to write this? 

I shared it on my Fb after I saw it on a friend's feed.  I generally post anything that interests me on my Fb. My list of friends understand me enough to know I will do that and it's not a judgement on them or directed at anyone in particular.  I think everyone has the opportunity to reflect on their lives.  I believe your post was one of those that had some very uncomfortable questions that everyone asks at one point or another.  I'm all about getting through uncomfortable to reveal what's really going on with me.  I made some very questionable choices in my life and am only just discovery my path to happiness and a lot of my friends are going through a similar journey.  My speculation about why people share in secret is that they think people will question whether the sharer is going through a similar situation to yours and they do not want to be questioned or judged.  Some might think they are being passive - aggressive by posting (As I've seen quite a bit on Fb) and others may simply want to read and reflect in private so it cannot be 'blamed' on the stuff they are reading (as you experienced with the husband who accused your post of prompting his wife to leave).  

I am pretty sure I did share that one on my FB wall. However, there are other posts you've written that deeply resonated with me that I haven't. I'd say the main reason I resist sharing some things is likely based in fear, but it's a fear of being passive-aggressive. If I read something that I believe someone on my friends list "needs" to hear, but I'm not willing to offer it to them directly for whatever reason, I won't post it at all. Passive-aggresive communication has become a hot button issue for me so I'm trying very hard to be aware of my motivations for saying or doing things and posting something in an attempt to send a direct indirect message to any one person feels bad. If my motivation is to share in a general way, I'm way more likely to do so.

After my father disowned me when I posted the link to "Congratulations! You Just Broke Your Child," I now feel empowered to share anything that makes me feel deeply. I do not apologize for my thoughts any longer, because I know that someone else may be helped by my sharing.  I am valid and what I have to say does count. If someone disagrees with me, if they love me we will engage in honest discussion, that I hope makes us both understand each other more. If they don't really love me they leave, and I count myself lucky to know where I stand. I don't deserve unsupportive, toxic people in my life, and I don't believe any one else does either.  We only gain deeper love and respect for each other if we are willing to reach out and build those bridges to understanding. Dan I thank you for helping me have the courage to be who I am, and for helping me realize that we are all fighting our own battles, and need back-up. No one's life is easy, but maybe by sharing we can help just one person live a little easier.  Keep up the great writing Dan, I enjoy you very much!!

I used to be afraid to share things for fear of the extreme judgement that goes on in my area (UTAH). But I don't give a rats ass anymore because they NEED to hear it so that we as a society can grow together and become better people....and stop nit picking each other to death like you've mentioned before.

Oh gosh, I hope the people in my life do not view me as judgemental and wouldn't be afraid to share something like your Whose Life post with me. I've made many unpopular choises for my own life in my pursuit of happiness and still feel the weight of the judgement of others upon me for making those choices. I'd never want to do that to someone else on purpose. However, I think the fact that the message is getting out there is the important thing...regardless of share method. 

I think that one reason some people might be afraid of sharing it directly with someone is that we don't always know how someone feels about their own life.  We don't want to risk upsetting them by suggesting that we think they're unhappy or they need to make major changes.  Maybe that's also a reason why people wouldn't share it publicly.  I don't know.  I didn't share it either way, but only because I rarely do that.  Regardless, I appreciate your writing your own truths and putting them out there for everyone to see.  It takes courage to do that!  You never know how many people might find that one or two of your truths are true for them, too.

I shared that post.  I believe in living authentically and true to yourself.  You are the author of your own life and this is not a dress rehearsal (enough metaphors & cliches yet?) 

I share your posts because they speak a truth I need to hear.  You're a funny, articulate writer who looks at the heart of things and at this time in my life, with my husband in critical condition with a number of potentially life threatening medical issues - I need to remember happiness. I need to keep some joy in my life for my kids and myself, because otherwise I am overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of the stress going on. 

Thank you for your posts. 

Sometimes I get random huge hits of traffic on my blog and I have no idea where they come from either. lol.

There have been times in the past where I've read a blog post that resonated with me and that I thought a friend or few would appreciate the post in a similar way, or I hoped that it would trigger something in said friend(s) that would motivate them to reflect on their life and maybe make a change so they can be happier. And doing that privately rather than on my Facebook wall feels more respectful of my friends and what's going on behind the scenes in their lives. "Look, I know things are weird right now. I saw this post, and thought of you. I hope you take something from it." (Not that I'd post that publicly on my wall anyway!)

I can't force my friends to absorb the text in those posts, or to become inspired to make a change in their lives that everyone around them sees they need to be doing. But if I can provide them food for thought, all the better.

So for me, it's not entirely "fearful sharing" with them when I do it privately. For me, it's more a respect of their personal situations. Mind you, if I posted something on my wall, maybe I'd find out that another friend that I wouldn't have expected to have a need for such food for thought actually did get a lot from it. It's hard to say.

I shared it on Facebook and never once thought anything of it. The post was inspiring to me because it talked about doing what you need to do to better your life. It talked about ignoring the sometimes oppressive expectations of those around you and making decisions based on your needs. It was a post about finding yourself. That's what I got out of it. That's why I posted it. If people read more into it than that, they didn't say anything to me about it. I find it odd that you expected people to be offended by it. And I find it odd that your readers feel that their friends or family would be offended by it. Finding yourself can mean many different things. It can take many different forms. One person's path to finding themself is not the same path as another's. In that post, you described the path that you took and decisions that you had to make for yourself. It inspired me to think about what things I am unhappy about and what I could do to change them. It did not inspire me to do the exact same things that you did. People need to learn to think for themselves and not take everything so literally. The path to happiness is a unique path for all of us.

I don't know who might actually see this post (or if you see it, Dan) but there is a book that is pretty cool. It's called, "Please Understand Me". Your post "Who's life is it anyway?" really goes hand in hand with it. The book pretty much talks about there are things that work for some people and things that work for other people and we should really take a second and remember what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person. Go figure. I will be unafraid to share this post to friends and family. It needs to be said. period.  :)

I shared it. I usually have my FB set to very private, this was the only thing I posted as public. People need to hear it and see it.

Because, really, who's life do we live? Ours, or someone else?

I think there are too many people who care what others think. And I think there are too many people who are miserable in their own lives that they bring other people down.  There are too many people who judge, expect, demand or manipulate other people in their lives that those other people become afraid or ashamed based off of the judging or manipulating persons thoughts or opinions of things. Some people aren't strong enough to take the next step they need to make to be happy. They are paralyzed by fear. The articles you write are extremely thought provoking...keep writing. You are doing excellent. I was divorced several years ago and recently left a church that I feel was too much for me. At every turn I make in those decisions, I have not had any regrets. I wish others could see that there is so much more than being stuck because of other people. That's why it is so important who you keep close in your life and who you just can't anymore. I still go through some judgments of others from time to time. But now, I just don't care what some people think. Only the ones that matter.-Jen

I believe in divorce. In fact, I'm probably divorces biggest fan. I've never been divorced, but I have been through 2 of them. Do I wish marriages were always happy and life long. Sure. But that's not reality. Reality is, half the time, you just aren't happy with the way things turned out, and you need to change that. I don't understand Fearful Sharing. I don't really do that. I am who I am, and I like what I like. What I don't understand about fearful sharing is why people feel the need to do it. There is no need for you to tag someone, or even make a comment at all on the post, just share it. You're simply passing along a message to whoever is going to read it. It may not be the person you want to read it, but you can always send them a private message or whatever, telling them about your post and that you think they would like it.

People are afraid of drama, and perhaps that's where the Fearful Sharing comes from. They don't want people to question their motives, or start a fight.

Wow, no comments yet.. although now that i have typed that i'm willing to bet this shows up 3rd or 4th on the list.  Anyway, this post definitely brings up something that is prevalent in everything we see and do in our daily lives.  We are so hung up on what other people think of us that we don't always do what we feel is right for us or even for those around us, its a sad situation but until people stop worrying about being "perfect" in the eyes of those around them they will always be held back .