It wedges me between a rock and a seriously hard place, you know… when the people you love tell me the secrets they should probably be telling you. The secrets they wish they could tell you. The secrets they are desperate to tell you. The secrets that they might not ever tell you.
Your wife told me a secret. She feels intimidated by you. You really scare her sometimes with your temper. She’s been keeping it bottled up for years and she’s about to break. She’s terrified of what will happen if she talks to you about it.
Your dad told me a secret. He secretly doubts the religion you share and wishes he could leave it. He’s been thinking about it for years. And he’s scared to death that your entire family will reject him if he tells you. He told me he’s come to learn that he’ll have to be miserable for life so that your mom will stay with him.
Your husband told me a secret. He doesn’t believe the same things you do. He doesn’t see anything wrong with drinking socially sometimes. He misses the freedom he had before you met when he had a say in what was right and wrong for himself. It’s been that way since you met, and he’s thinking about sneaking behind your back to get it back.
Your daughter told me a secret. She feels like you force her to go to church. She pretends to be sick most Sundays because it’s the only way you’ll leave her alone about it. She doesn’t understand why she is almost thirty and her life is not her own. And she’s afraid that if she even talks to you about it you’ll cut off your support for her.
Secrets.
Secrets.
Secrets.
From your husband. From your wife.
From your children. From your parents.
From cousins. From aunts. From uncles.
From brothers. From sisters.
From in-laws.
From ex-in-laws.
From neighbors.
From colleagues.
From strangers, even.
Secrets.
My biggest question is, why are the people you “love” telling me their secrets? And why aren’t they telling them to you?
In almost every case, I should be way down the list of people who “need to know”.
Yet for some reason, the people you “love” feel comfortable telling me their secrets. They feel safe telling me their secrets.
And they don’t feel comfortable and safe telling you.
You.
The one that “loves” them most.
Think about that for a second. Really think about it. Because it doesn’t sit right with me, either.
It wedges me between a rock and a seriously hard place, you know… when the people you love tell me the secrets they should probably be telling you. The secrets they wish they could tell you. The secrets they are desperate to tell you. The secrets that they might not ever tell you.
You don’t know how hard it is sometimes, when I am given unsolicited information that sometimes leaves me little choice but to do or say something to try and assuage the situation.
And then after I do, you sit across from me and glare at me. Angry that the person you “love” most would tell me something they wouldn’t tell you.
You.
My friend.
A person I love.
Are angry with me. Because somebody you love told me something that they really should have told you.
I didn’t ask them to. And I can see why you’re upset.
In fact, I agree with you.
They should have told you.
They should have felt comfortable enough to tell you.
They should have felt safe enough to tell you.
They should have felt like you would respect their intelligence, their wants, their desires, their beliefs, and their needs.
They should have felt like you weren’t going to judge them for what they were feeling. They should have felt like you weren’t going to punish them for what they were needing. They should have felt like…
Oh, I don’t know…
Maybe like you loved them.
No matter what.
And that you’d support them.
No matter what.
Yet you sit across from me. And are angry with me. Because somebody you “love” most told me a secret that they didn’t tell you.
Don’t be angry with me.
Instead ask… why.
Why me, and not you.
And then fix it.
Please.
I don’t want to know these secrets that should be yours.
It’s a heavy burden to carry.
And I don’t really know why they tell me.
I do wonder though…
I wonder if they tell me their secrets because they know I won’t judge them. I wonder if they tell me their secrets because they know I will love them unconditionally. I wonder if they tell me their secrets because they understand just how imperfect I am and also just how okay I am with that imperfection.
Oh, but Dan, the person I love most wouldn’t tell you the secrets they should be telling me. Everything is good between us. And if it’s not good, it definitely isn’t bad enough for that to be happening.
Ummm… Are you sure about that?
Are you really sure about that?
I’m not.
And based on what I know, you really shouldn’t be either.
But there’s only one way to know.
Tell them you want them to know that their life is theirs to do everything they want with it. Tell them you are just here to love them. Tell them you will always be here to love them. And mean it.
Ask them if they really believe what they feel they are required to believe. Tell them it’s okay if they do and promise them it’s okay if they don’t. Tell them you love them no matter what they believe. And mean it.
Ask them if you ever scare them. And be sincere in your desire for a truthful answer.
Ask them if they feel safe when they’re with you to live the way they really want to live. And ask honestly.
Tell them that nothing they could say or feel could make you stop loving them. Tell them that if anything, it might get you to thinking about some things, too. And mean it.
Tell them you love them. And mean it.
But even more importantly, show them that you love them.
And just… see. See what happens. See if you don’t learn something about this person you love that you didn’t know before.
See if you learn some poignant truth that moments before you didn’t know existed.
I promise you, it is truth you want from the people you love, even if you think you don’t want it. Because you do love them. I know you do. And so do I. And I love you. And the honest reality is, there don’t need to be any secrets at all.
Just love.
Because when the only thing that exists is love…
When the fear of judgment is gone, when the fear of anger is gone, when the fear of inferiority is gone, when the fear of the next big fight is gone, when the fear of rejection is gone, and when the fear of you no longer loving them anymore is gone…
And the only thing that exists is love…
Then there will never be a need for secrets, at all.
Ever.
Why are the people you love telling me their secrets instead of you? And why are you telling me the secrets you should be telling the person you love most?
Maybe it’s time we all take a closer look at that.
Please.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Would really appreciate your comments today. Do you feel like people keep secrets from you? Why? Do you feel like you are one that people bring their secrets to? Why?
I wrote this post as more of a personal letter to so many of the people in my own life. There is no doubt that one of the most shocking things I’ve learned since finally living life for myself is that so many people have secrets that they’re desperate to share with those they love. And of course, if I’ve learned anything about my life, it’s that so many other people are probably experiencing the same thing and so I wonder if both the intent of the post came through, and the universalness of it.
This is the eighth post of The Happiness Dynamic Series. A little while back, I published Whose Life is it Anyway which sparked a much greater multi-day discussion of happiness here on Single Dad Laughing. To view all the posts in this series, click here.
When I tell not-the-person a secret, it's often because I already tried to tell the-person, and they refused to hear. Not always, but often. When it comes to the people I'm closest to that's what usually happens.
I've been fighting for years to separate myself from my family. Because my mother spent my entire life at home with her, and as much as she could of the years after I moved away before I finally pulled away for good, trying to bully me into being exactly who and what she wanted me to be. I was never good enough, smart enough, strong enough.I used to get hour long lectures at the drop of a hat about how horrible I was and how ungrateful I was- if I really loved them, I wouldn't do this thing, read this book, wear that shirt, make that grade, love that person.I never got the balls to tell my family I was queer. I never told them that I'm polyamorous, and not Christian, and not the little academic they always expected me to be.I dropped out of college when I was 18. In my Junior year. Midway through the semester I'd turned 18 and come out to them about the fact that I was moving in with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I'm 21 now. When that boyfriend turned out to be abusive, I couldn't tell them. Through the subsequent confusion and fear, I couldn't tell them. When I was homeless twice, when I was evicted again two years later, I couldn't tell them for fear of what they'd say or do.
In two weeks I get married. Without telling them. So that I can get financial aid without their information or assistance, to go get the kind of education /I/ want. (Culinary school). I love my family, I never wanted to do any of this behind their back. I just can't live with the fear anymore.
Thank you for posting this.
I lie, I lie everyday to the people I love. It's not because I want to, it's because the people I love don't want to listen. I told my family I don't believe in the religion that they all believe, all they say is one day I'll come back to the church, they say its just a phase, they say it makes me exactly like my dad, they look at me with disappointment every time I say I'm happier with my life now then I was when I went to church. When I'm honest they treat me like a stranger, they act like I'm a huge disappointment to the family, my family is way more judgmental than they appear. So now I've stopped being honest about who I really am, I've also stopped telling my family anything real about my life and myself. My family still thinks I'm going through a phase, they think I'll come back to the church soon. I don't like lying, I feel awful telling a lie. I no longer lie to people but I still feel like I'm lying by not being the real me around my family. Everyday I wish they could accept me for who I am, I hope one day they can love me for who I really am. I wonder if there are others that lie because their family doesn't believe the truth. The more honest I am with my family, the less they talk to me, telling my family the truth doesn't hurt them, it hurts me.
@GriffinPicket I am going through the exact same thing as you. I lie, all the time, just like you. And I cry all the time because of it. I have always felt so lonely because everyone around me has always had the freedom to talk about their religious thoughts. But you have made me see that I'm not alone at all, and that there is someone that feels the exact same way.
@GriffinPicket Your comment broke my heart. I've been lucky that most of my family is not this way... but I have watched friends go through EXACTLY what you are talking about. And I went through it at first. I remember my mom telling me how much she loved me, and I sobbed, "How can you say that? You don't know ME! You don't even want to know me. You want me to pretend to be someone I'm not whenever I am around you. I can't take that. Either love ME, or let me find a family who will... There are people who will love me as I am, and will not expect me to be someone else... If you can't be that, then please at least admit it, and don't lie and tell me you love me."That pretty much started our relationship. She started asking me questions, and she actually listened to the answers. I recognize it could have gone either way: She could have said, "You're right, and if you aren't willing to be who I know you are deep down inside, then I don't want you in my life..." and I would have felt frustrated, and I probably would have chosen to not be around her anymore...I feel incredibly sad at how people treat the ones they "love" as nothing more than a tool to be used... an extension of themselves... they don't see their children, spouses, parents, friends as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. It's all just a game of pretend, and it hurts. A lot.
1. We are raised to lie. Every person I have ever met was forced by their parents to lie when they were children. Whether it is something as simple as saying sorry for something you aren't actually sorry for, or lying about things you or someone in your family thinks/says/does/believes, or whatever else. I have yet to meet a single adult that wasn't forced to do that as a child- or one who doesn't force their own children to do so. We are raised to lie.
2. People screw up. A lot. When someone judges us, gets angry at us, hollers, hits us, ignores us, [insert other punishment here], etc., most people internalize that, especially as children. The reaction may or may not have had anything to do with what we did, but it affects us just the same. We learn to judge others- but, more importantly, we learn to judge ourselves. Because someone else screwed up & then went on their way without ever taking responsibility for that. Judgement becomes ingrained.
Having learned lying and self-judgement from such an early age, it is abominably difficult to change such basic ways of being when you are older. Very few people even realize they are doing it. Even fewer manage to change it.
So, lets say someone in your life realizes what is going on & over ___ time-frame completely stops judging you. Would you ever hear that? With so much lying and judging going on in your own head, such unconscious self-recrimination, would you ever be able to even *recognize* that there is someone there who doesn't live that way? Almost certainly not.
This is why people tell outsiders or even complete strangers their problems & secrets. The judgement of someone you don't know or who doesn't know every in-&-out of a situation isn't as important as the judgement of someone you feel like really *knows* you, someone whose opinion you sincerely care about. Strangers' judgements can be blown off without too much trouble.
Not everyone can do this, but I am a person who has very few secrets. My life is pretty much an open book, and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't stick around.... And yet most people tend to stick around. They tell me their secrets, too... Probably because my open honesty sticks out and they feel that they won't be judged by me. Or they feel comfortable enough that they believe I'll keep their secrets safe... And I do. I have all kinds of quirks that are beyond the "accepted norm".... I'm bisexual, I'm pagan, I don't follow politics, and strangest of all, I actually loved going to school. The funny thing is, the thing that made most of my "friends" walk away was loving school. That was when I figured out that true friends don't judge, they accept you for your differences and love you more for having them. My true friends are all vey different from me in many ways, but it seems to be the differences that bring us closer together, far more than our similarities.
Great post Dan. I hope that the people I love feel they can tell me their secrets. I try hard to understand what they are feeling and why. No matter what they chose be it to end their marriage, or leave their religion, it isn't about me, it is about them and what is right for them. Who am I to decide what is right for another person? It is their life and not mine, and they should live it how they want and if it makes them happy then that is all that matters to me.
HI Dan,
I'm the one people tell their secrets too. I guess we're the same in that way. People feel comfortable telling me their secrets. They always have. I'm not sure why, but I guess it might be because I, like you, am slow to judge. It IS sometimes a big burden to carry. It is also an honour to know that I am that trusted.
Unfortunately, I was NOT that safe person for my husband. (He found someone else and we're going through a divorce.) However, the reason that happened is because his actions caused me to lose trust in him. I didn't tell anyone about it. Instead, I died inside and kept up the facade in public. It is strange how I continued to be the 'safe' person for most of the people around me, but didn't feel I had anyone to be mine.
I am now very happy, and have met a lovely man on a certain dating site that I know you're familiar with!
Thank you for writing about this difficult subject. Maybe it will help stop other people from going through what I have.
They're scared of catching my feelings or getting bit by something which clearly has bitten me ... ?
I have been where you are Dan. With people so angry at me, because someone they loved talked to me... what those people don't know is their loved one TRIED. They didn't listen. They didn't hear. They judged. They got angry, sad, or scared. They completely ignored what was said, so that they didn't have to face their own pain. I do know, that if my loved ones felt unsafe talking to me, I would be glad they had someone to share with... I'd feel sad that I had let them down, but how could I blame them for not talking to me if it didn't feel safe??
If someone is angry, because their loved one has found some place that is safe, how can they say they love them? While I understand feeling jealous, wouldn't love desire the safety and happiness, and wouldn't that outweigh jealousy??
I figure the people that talk to me know I won't judge, don't feel like what they are telling me would affect me, I do have a lot of life experience and I am empathetic. I've been through a lot of therapy, and have learned how to be validating... Which is all that most people need when they are sharing their secrets: They want to hear that even with this "deep, dark secret", they are still lovable.
I've also been one that kept A LOT of secrets. I thought I was supposed to protect everyone else, so I never shared my pain. I believed others couldn't handle my emotions, my thoughts, or (in reality) ME. It was terrifying when I finally started sharing. It worked out pretty darn good, though. I found that people COULD handle me, my emotions, my thoughts, and more than that: I found people could love ME, the real me that I had hidden for so long.
@Elisa I hope you don't read the Bible like you did this post, tittle only.You can never pass judgment on something if you haven't even read it. My Gosh, if your happy with your life than why can't you except that others are to. Everyone must take there own path and just because the one your on is right for you it doesn't make it right for everyone. If you don't like what is written here or in your case the tittles than move on.
I like it when people say "it isn't for everyone". But really, really according to Mormons, IT IS!! That's why they baptize dead people. Don't tell me that if I embrace the gospel I will e truly happy. I DID! I WASN'T. I am very happy now. Thank you Satan for tricking me!!
The comments seem to have derailed from addressing the post on your blog. My favorite line from the post: "Don’t be angry with me. Instead ask… why. Why me, and not you. And then fix it. Please." As far as the whole "the Gospel is better than Disneyland" discussion, I would say that every major faith and religion can make that claim. I don't see many Christians losing sleep over the possibility that they may be wrong because Islam could be the "one truth path of happiness."
"You are correct Dan, it isn't for everyone. Not everyone is cut out to live it, it's a very daunting task to live God's law and abide by His principles." The way I see it is that you're trying so hard to earn something (salvation, God's love) that has already been given to you freely and with no conditions attached. People who do so are not free, though they claim to be. They are clinging to chains of humanity's making that were broken a long time ago.
religious folks, not all, but many, just cannot conceive of happiness outside of their faith. they would rather believe, truly believe, that everyone who is not of their faith is unhappy regardless of the evidence to the contrary. now I've seen this so often there is no denying it is true, but why they choose to be blind to other people's happiness, I do not know for sure. I do have guesses, of course. but I'm getting to the age (middle age) where I don't ponder such things as much any more. I've never been Christian (none of the sects) and have never wanted to be. the religion I was born to works for me. "Everyone has to get to Heaven in their own way." is my mantra for those who judge a person's life, happiness or truth dependent upon their own. No, I have not read the post yet, so my remarks are not about it as of yet. Keep on writing on.
"You are correct Dan, it isn't for everyone. Not everyone is cut out to live it, it's a very daunting task to live God's law and abide by His principles." Yup, that's the dogma that is so deeply seeded in the church. Anybody who doesn't believe it, just isn't good enough. "Couldn't handle it," "Didn't have the kind of faith it takes," "Just weren't Celestial material." Hateful, judgmental, self-important vitriol, trying to disguise itself as "virtuous".
The common misconception among those who have left the church, is that you can't have all of that LIVING the Gospel. It is possible, I do it everyday! Even as a member of the church, you still have to have BALANCE, that is what people don't understand, that is why people feel overwhelmed and judged, like they don't measure up! I am a faithful, happy member of the church, and I love my life because I have BALANCE. I truly believe that whatever religion you choose, you must have balance to ever really feel and enjoy happiness.
Actually it has led to pure authenticity in all emotions! I believe religion, especially the Mormon religion, dulls the ability to experience any emotion truly authentically!
Actually it has led to pure authenticity in all emotions! I believe religion, especially the Mormon religion, dulls the ability to experience any emotion truly authentically!
Molly, I disagree, I experience all emotions VERY authentically every single day! Sometimes to a fault! lol Ask any one that knows me!
religious folks, not all, but many, just cannot conceive of happiness outside of their faith. they would rather believe, truly believe, that everyone who is not of their faith is unhappy regardless of the evidence to the contrary. now I've seen this so often there is no denying it is true, but why they choose to be blind to other people's happiness, I do not know for sure. I do have guesses, of course. but I'm getting to the age (middle age) where I don't ponder such things as much any more. I've never been Christian (none of the sects) and have never wanted to be. the religion I was born to works for me. "Everyone has to get to Heaven in their own way." is my mantra for those who judge a person's life, happiness or truth dependent upon their own. No, I have not read the post yet, so my remarks are not about it as of yet. Keep on writing on.
I can't imagine a more dysfunctional and (esp if you don't fit in) hurtful organization, than the Mormon church. I'm so glad I got out. Life is MUCH better now! I'm a happy humanist!
Dan, your writing really is beautiful! I too used to live with the secret of not believing the religion I was raised in. I, too, lived the "gospel" fully. I totally embraced it.Then I finally acknowledged that I didn't believe it. When people talk about "one true path to happiness" I have to disagree. Everyone is different, therefore everyone's path is bound to differ. Leaving the Mormon church led me to a truly authentic life. Which means pure, authentic happiness. I don't believe that's possible in Mormonism, or any religion really.
You are correct Dan, it isn't for everyone. Not everyone is cut out to live it, it's a very daunting task to live God's law and abide by His principles. Most days I am perfectly happy being an example of what I believe in my heart, and ignoring the blatant distaste from those who decide that it isn't for them, but today for some reason it was too much. I as much as you or Stacey, or anyone else who is all riled up over my comments, has the right to express our opinions openly, and I'm grateful for that fact. I go back to my previous statement in which I said that whatever is in a person's heart will eventually come to fruition. Whatever path you choose in this life, you will be comfortable and happy with because it rings true to what is in your heart. So that being said, I suppose there is a natural separation because birds of a feather flock together. That isn't to say that we stop expressing our beliefs and things that we are passionate about. There does have to be a mutual understanding and respect for all human beings to choose to be true to whatever is in their hearts. So, I suppose we have to agree to disagree on terms of religion, but we do agree on one thing, that no matter your religious beliefs, political beliefs, or any other belief you may have, it is always possible to love.
Ooops - hit enter too soon. I meant to add that I have carried one or two secrets myself for years because I was afraid of judgement and also of disappointing those who loved me. It is a heavy burden, and deep down I know I probably haven't given my loved ones a fair chance. I've struggled alone in these respects because of it. Also, to Elisa: have you considered that it is possible to embrace the Gospel - to love Jesus - and want NOTHING to do with the church? To not need the church? That's where I am. I have never been happier and I have never felt more loved and accepted by God. I haven't had any truly negative experiences in churches like some have. But I have come to see that it's not about me and what I do/don't do at all - the love of the Triune God is truly unconditional. Knowing that allows me to finally breathe and to finally live. The church doesn't allow me to do that, and so something is wrong there.
Hi Elisa - I admire you for your courage to speak up regarding something you feel so strongly about. LDS members who understand and exercise their right to free speech are truly a positive effect on this world, contributing greatly to our public discourse and often acting as a voice of reason when others get overtly offensive. As a lifelong LDS member who completely immersed myself in the "work of the Lord", I was constantly seeking the happiness that you mentioned. I thought that if I studied a little bit harder, prayed a little bit more often, and preached the LDS gospel a little bit more fervently, I'd be happier. Upon returning from my mission, I felt that while I had learned a lot, I was never done learning, so I continued seeking to learn more about the church. I genuinely, fully, and unrelentingly immersed myself in the LDS gospel. The problem with my approach was that I ended up finding a lot of disturbing truths about the history of my church. For all of my dedication and study and faith, I quickly came to find out that the LDS church had its own list of flaws, shortcomings, tainted history, and dishonest positions. In fact, I learned that it was really was no different than any other church - it teaches great and wonderful values through a story and a worldview that make its followers feel safe and secure, but it's not any more or less true than the others. I was chasing an ideal that didn't exist, and defining my own happiness based on catching it. When I decided to leave the LDS church, I was able to step back and reconsider what was important in my life. Today I feel like a much happier, more fulfilled, more loving, and more open-minded individual because of this change in my life. I feel such happiness about this change that I constantly feel the urge to get up and shout it from the rooftops! I almost feel as though, if everyone just did what I did and left the LDS Church, they would all know the happiness and satisfaction that I feel! I want to knock on doors and share my precious message, so that others might know my joy. Of course, I realize that not everyone wants to hear my message of nonreligion. Just because it makes me happy, that does not mean it will make you happy, and many people love their faith every bit as dearly as I loved mine, and as I now love my nonfaith. However, when people ask me why I'm always so happy, what should I say? Do I make up some other reason, so as to avoid offending them in case they are LDS? No, I simply state that I have left my religion, and it has brought me joy. If people care to engage me in conversation on the subject, I'm happy to oblige. I don't know Dan, but I assume he feels the same way. Neither he nor I will likely ever knock doors to ask people to leave their faith, but we are sure busting at the seams with excitement and happiness about our views on life, and sometimes, that spills over into a Facebook update, a comment in casual conversation (like this one), or an observation on events taking place around us. We'd kindly ask you to smile and let it slip, the same way we often do when people do the same about God or their church: "Thank God for my neighbor", or "Look at that sunset! Heavenly Father's creation is so beautiful!", or "Things are so tight for me right now. I'm so glad I pay my tithing - I can't afford not to!" Sorry for the very long comment, but I thought you and others might benefit from part of my perspective.
This post really resonated with me, Dan - as so many of yours do. Thank you. I walked right over to my 4-yr old daughter, looked her in the eyes and said, you can tell me anything, always. I will never be angry with you for anything, and if I forget that, you remind me that I told you that you could tell me anything and that I would dnever be angry.
This post really resonated with me, Dan - as so many of yours do. Thank you. I walked right over to my 4-yr old daughter, looked her in the eyes and said, you can tell me anything, always. I will never be angry with you for anything, and if I forget that, you remind me that I told you that you could tell me anything and that I would dnever be angry.
This post really resonated with me, Dan - as so many of yours do. Thank you. I walked right over to my 4-yr old daughter, looked her in the eyes and said, you can tell me anything, always. I will never be angry with you for anything, and if I forget that, you remind me that I told you that you could tell me anything and that I would dnever be angry.
I tried to "truly live the gospel" for 24 years. I did EVERYTHING I could. Since leaving the church, I've never been happier. I'm no different than I was before, it's just that now, being a good person is finally good enough. I don't have to constantly remind myself of how I'll never measure up. And I have finally seen the lies that I was told my entire life for what they are. You can keep telling yourself that the only way to happiness is by blindly staying the the church, but I promise you, you'll never be able to taste real truth, until you're ready to accept that you may have spent your entire life swallowing a lie...
I tried to "truly live the gospel" for 24 years. I did EVERYTHING I could. Since leaving the church, I've never been happier. I'm no different than I was before, it's just that now, being a good person is finally good enough. I don't have to constantly remind myself of how I'll never measure up. And I have finally seen the lies that I was told my entire life for what they are. You can keep telling yourself that the only way to happiness is by blindly staying the the church, but I promise you, you'll never be able to taste real truth, until you're ready to accept that you may have spent your entire life swallowing a lie...
I tried to "truly live the gospel" for 24 years. I did EVERYTHING I could. Since leaving the church, I've never been happier. I'm no different than I was before, it's just that now, being a good person is finally good enough. I don't have to constantly remind myself of how I'll never measure up. And I have finally seen the lies that I was told my entire life for what they are. You can keep telling yourself that the only way to happiness is by blindly staying the the church, but I promise you, you'll never be able to taste real truth, until you're ready to accept that you may have spent your entire life swallowing a lie...
I tried to "truly live the gospel" for 24 years. I did EVERYTHING I could. Since leaving the church, I've never been happier. I'm no different than I was before, it's just that now, being a good person is finally good enough. I don't have to constantly remind myself of how I'll never measure up. And I have finally seen the lies that I was told my entire life for what they are. You can keep telling yourself that the only way to happiness is by blindly staying the the church, but I promise you, you'll never be able to taste real truth, until you're ready to accept that you may have spent your entire life swallowing a lie...
" While I respect everyone's personal journey, there really is one path that leads to true happiness, you know it and I know it."... I believe you are the one being deceived. I've never been happier in my life and leaving the church did that for me. If you are happy believing in that church all the more power to you, but I've personally witnessed atrocities associated to it that have literally made me sick to my stomach. I wish you all the best in your life but that church is not the be all end all for everyone, myself included.
Well said Dan. We are all human and want the same thing: to be seen, to be heard, to be understood, to be accepted and truly loved with all of our warts and differences.
Elisa, one thing I find interesting about the LDS church is that they believe and teach that there is "only one true way to happiness." But that is so black and white. There are many, many, many people who can't be happy as Mormons (or as part of any specific religion) no matter how hard they try or how much they embrace it or how perfectly they live it. And it is these people who more often than not are miserable because of two things. First, they can't leave due to outside pressure, and second, everybody around them is telling them that it's *their* fault. *They* aren't trying hard enough. *They* aren't embracing it the way they should. *They* aren't praying hard enough. *They* aren't doing what they need to do. It makes good and incredible people feel worthless, and unworthy, and unloved (by God and man). It is insulting to be told that those of us who leave the church are deceived and that our thinking and opinions are *wrong* or that we don't actually stand for anything just because we don't stand with you. Since when were opinions wrong or right? They're just opinions. So many human beings believe they have the one ultimate truth. But they don't. None of us do. Real love for others is the only way. It's the only universal language. It's the foundation for everything good and happy. And no person, religion, or race of people has the monopoly on love.
Elisa, one thing I find interesting about the LDS church is that they believe and teach that there is "only one true way to happiness." But that is so black and white. There are many, many, many people who can't be happy as Mormons (or as part of any specific religion) no matter how hard they try or how much they embrace it or how perfectly they live it. And it is these people who more often than not are miserable because of two things. First, they can't leave due to outside pressure, and second, everybody around them is telling them that it's *their* fault. *They* aren't trying hard enough. *They* aren't embracing it the way they should. *They* aren't praying hard enough. *They* aren't doing what they need to do. It makes good and incredible people feel worthless, and unworthy, and unloved (by God and man). It is insulting to be told that those of us who leave the church are deceived and that our thinking and opinions are *wrong* or that we don't actually stand for anything just because we don't stand with you. Since when were opinions wrong or right? They're just opinions. So many human beings believe they have the one ultimate truth. But they don't. None of us do. Real love for others is the only way. It's the only universal language. It's the foundation for everything good and happy. And no person, religion, or race of people has the monopoly on love.
I so agree with you Dan. I wish I could write as eloquently as you, probably why you have a blog and I don't. :)
After reading some of these comments and the couple emails I've gotten, I can see this post has made several people uncomfortable. Mission accomplished. That being said, it's also been a bit misunderstood in that I actually wrote this "letter" to the people in my personal life. I think I'll do a follow-up post for sure because I'm not sure the true reason for today's post is carrying the way I hoped.
You are right, I didn't read the whole post, only the heading, but it read just like every other post. I suppose what I vented to you earlier(of which obviously didn't penetrate a layer), are things that come from a sadness not for myself, but for you. The Gospel is a beautiful thing for anyone who embraces it, unfortunately not everyone will, but like I said perceptions are clouded with deception, so let's not pretend that this isn't going on. It's simple to be a mediator isn't it? Not choosing one side or the other, I suppose that is the beauty of journalism, preparing a neutral platform, not really standing for one thing or another, just letting people vent their troubles, while validating your own points. While I respect everyone's personal journey, there really is one path that leads to true happiness, you know it and I know it. I know I take a risk jumping into the shark tank with my comments, and I'm sure some of your following like Miss Price will mistake it as my own "heart aches". But the truth is, my heart is whole and well, the words I speak are words that will only be heard by those who are on the same wave length. I tell all of my secrets, even the darkest ones, to my companion and best friend, my husband of 9 years. I have been discontent in our marriage, but for reasons that were deep inside of me from long ago. After I faced those demons, I was able to truly commit to this wonderful man in a way that people only write about. Everyone has worries, troubles, heartaches, discontentment once in awhile, that will never change. Just be grateful that you have the courage, and also a blog to express yours, and also to be validated by your readers. I am also grateful that I have this courage inside, it is the reason for the joy in my life. Peace be with you friend.
Miss Stacey, no I'm not actually, just making an observation. If I were judging him, I wouldn't love him, I do love him, he is a good friend, and good friends are honest with each other, even when it is uncomfortable.
And Trish, I do actually know him quite well. You are sweet to defend him though. Like I said, jumped into the shark tank. I can take it, or I wouldn't do it.
It's ok, @Elisa. Everyone's truth is different. Maybe there's something you need to heal in your own life that makes your heart ache so.
As strange at it seems, confiding in someone not always about solving the problem so much as having a need to be understood. So sometimes, when people share "secrets" like the ones you describe, they just want to hear they're not crazy from someone whose judgment they trust and respect. Because of your writing, I suspect a LOT of people feel they know you (or at least the "you" presented in your 'blog) and because of it, they respect your opinions and ideas, even though you don't know them personally.
Elisa my long-time friend, if you really read my posts, you'll see that I don't encourage anybody to leave their religion. I encourage people to be true to what they feel inside and to what they know will make them happy. Religion is just a big one for a lot of people because it's something many people are born into and feel trapped in their entire lives. Your LDS faith is not a beautiful thing for everybody. I'm glad it is for you. I don't try to persuade anybody to any set of beliefs. I work to bring a face to the pressure and judgement so many of us constantly place on others in all areas of life. Be careful not to fall into the trap of "if somebody's not for what I believe they're against it." And I'm not telling people they're discontent. It is the people who surround me that constantly tell me (and only me sometimes) that they're discontent. That's what this post is all about. Whether you or I like it or not, there are a lot of people with a lot of secrets that none of us ever would have guessed. There are a lot of people even in your life with a lot of secrets.
Why can't some people just read about another's life experiences and perceptions on those around them and take away whatever works for them and leave the rest? Elisa up there not only judges Dan (like she knows him intimately no less), but pronounces senctence and restitution. I do not get people like that.
Why can't some people just read about another's life experiences and perceptions on those around them and take away whatever works for them and leave the rest? Elisa up there not only judges Dan (like she knows him intimately no less), but pronounces senctence and restitution. I do not get people like that.
Why can't some people just read about another's life experiences and perceptions on those around them and take away whatever works for them and leave the rest? Elisa up there not only judges Dan (like she knows him intimately no less), but pronounces senctence and restitution. I do not get people like that.
Trish said it better. :)