Four million, five hundred thirty seven thousand, five hundred and eighty.
That’s how many people visited my blog in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday it was slightly less than that.
I received more than three hundred emails today. Almost every one of which was somebody telling me how much me or my blog means to them. Telling me how wonderful they think I am. Telling me how incredible a person they know that I am.
More than two thousand new comments were left on my blog posts in that same time span. Many of those people told me the exact same things.
I am loved by many.
So many.
Yet I am loved by no one.
The day is long departed. Depleted of all mental energy and at the end of an ever-shortening emotional rope, I crawl into bed, pull the sheets around my shoulders, and I find myself unhurriedly surveying the moonlit empty pillow next to mine. Wondering. How am I so loved.
And so alone.
If I look at the pillow long enough, perhaps I will wake up from this dream and she will be there.
The love of my life.
My confidant.
The only person who can tell me the one thing I need to hear.
Surely she exists. Surely I am worthy of such a blessing. Surely this glimpse of reality can’t be mine. It can’t be real.
But she doesn’t appear. And finally even the moonlight begins to abandon me.
Just before I drift into blackness, I think of Big Al Jones. Einstein. Honest John himself. And those words he said that so often haunt me.
“It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”
Four million, five hundred thirty seven thousand, five hundred and eighty.
My work is loved by many. I am loved by many.
So many.
Yet I am known by no one.
“We know you,” people say. “You are an incredible person,” people say.
“You are a horrible person,” other people say.
Many other people there are that tell me exactly who I am. Who they know that I am.
But nobody knows me.
Nobody.
The empty pillow next to mine teases me with this unsolicited awareness.
The empty pillow where she should be.
The empty pillow where I fantasize that she will quietly appear because surely I am worthy of such an approbation. Surely I have lived a life deserving of her.
The love of my life.
My confidant.
The one whose soft shoulders absorb my tears when the world hurts me.
The one whose pleasant smile accepts me when the world rewards me.
The only person who can tell me the one thing I need to hear sometimes.
The only person who can actually tell me, “I know you, Dan.”
“I know you are a good man .”
“I know you are incredible.”
“I love you.”
The only person who really knows me.
But what about your child , some will say. Surely he knows you. Surely he loves you.
My child loves me. Yes. My child knows me. Yes.
But my child cannot be that person. My child cannot be that confidant. My child cannot fill the space above that empty pillow.
I can never ask him to take part of this burden from me. It is not his to bear. It is not his to fix. My shoulder was created for his tears, not the other way around.
The weight of my deliberations press me further into my bed.
And then.
Blackness.
Reprieve from the reality of this phenomenon. Reprieve from this singularity that so few people on earth will ever experience or understand.
“It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”
It is strange to be so loved. And to fall asleep, watching an empty pillow.
I have known loneliness in my life. But this loneliness is different.
This loneliness swallows the words of thousands, the thoughts of millions, and the love of countless others. This loneliness smothers the moonlight itself. This loneliness laughs at my aching eyes.
My eyes that are forced to watch that pillow.
That empty pillow.
People think they want to be loved and known by thousands. People think they want to be loved and known by millions.
I just want to be loved and really known by one.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. I started writing this blog post last Wednesday night in the aftermath of the “Brave Teen” blog post.
I read this post and compare it to where you are now. I think you may have found the owner of that lonely pillow in your bed.
I know how you feel Dan. I don't want to make you feel hopeless but I am a single mom and am 45 and have been alone for the past 10 years. I keep getting told it isn't too late for me. tell that to the empty pillow next to me. I am loved by my kids, at times, my mom, my sisters, and a few close friends. but at night i know it isn't enough, i want to have that shared connection of love and trust and knowing when we disagree or agree its with respect and caring. I haven't ever had that. Someday, maybe....
so do i....i want to be enveloped by the love of a loving man...to be his all as he is my all...to feel his kiss...to feel his body taking mine..making me his lover, his all in all.
I realize when I read these posts how lucky I am to have that special someone who knows me, loves me and adores me. Hang in there. Your special someone will cross your path. Don't expect perfection...no one is perfect. Expect imperfection and complications.
Until your special someone comes into your life...sleep in the middle of the bed and get that empty pillow off the bed. Your job right now is to be a special father and that is a full time job.
With God's love and sincerity, Cynthia
I'm not well known like you are, but I understand what you are saying here. I can be in a room full of those I'm closest too; surely someone there knows ME, right? Wrong. But I figured out I don't really know them either, our family connections are surface for a lot of things. I love them and I know they love me, they're just starting to realize I'm not the me they wanted. I am single for the first time since 18, sometimes I am so lonely. But not just to have someone there, to have someone see ME, know ME, and love ME. I do think you're incredible, you've been a blessing in my life over the last couple months. Because you have lived my pain, you have walked exactly where I have walked. You get it, you understand what I have felt, because you have felt it too. It helps me feel a little less lonely, in my lonely bed, looking at that empty pillow.
Looked for so many years for that someone and finally decided that I need to be happy by myself. I am 71 now and sometimes think I would love to be in love again but I know it's not going to happen. I have to be satisfied with Dusky my wonderful cat. Better than nothing!
i feel like i've spent my whole life looking for that other half... that one person who is your best friend, your lover, who makes you feel safe and understood. someone I can laugh with. someone I can even fight with and not worry they will disapear if I say the wrong words. someone who takes the time out of their day to let me know i am loved, I am needed, and I am a priority in their life. I'm a long time believer in treat others how you would want to be treated... the results seem to be me giving my all only to find I am not their all. not enough for them to take notice of my needs. it is true, I'm a pleaser, a doer, the person who can't help but see something while shopping and think how perfect that would be for so and so. I would spend a thousand dollars on others before one dollar on myself. and it isn't that I don't love myself, or that I need the approval of others to feel good about myself. I am a strong independent woman. I am a leader. I am the person who has all the answers. or so people think. I am tired of being strong, of being the only person who can be counted on. I want a partner... so ya, I get the lonely feeling, even while surrounded by loved ones. Even with the knowldege that people care and love me, I am still alone.
Have a read of my blog here. http://toriabipolar.blogspot.ca/ and yes it's not fun to feel lonely.
Don't you get tired of hearing 'stop looking' or they'll come along soon? I know I do. You can't help but look and wish and hope. You get tired of being alone and not being able to share things with someone no matter how small it is. People have the best intentions by trying to make you feel better about being alone but I don't think they realize that sometimes, it doesn't really help at all, sometimes, it can actually make you feel worse.
I can't tell you when or where you'll meet "her" so all I can offer you is this. ((HUG))
I had a night like this - but it was instigated by watching "Becoming Jane." Cheesy - I know. But I've always admired Jane Austen and her penchant for writing stories that have remained classics for over a hundred years. Just in case you aren't familiar, the movie is actually about Jane's life and her supposed one true love and shows how it is she came to die alone. A spinster. Caught up in her writing and often portrayed as never being able to make a true emotional connection with a real person. I watched this and bawled. Like a baby. All I could think of is "If someone as wonderful, as talented and incredible as Jane Austen couldn't find love, what hope do I have?" This was of course lamented with other thoughts questioning if I was worthy of love, what did I have to offer, etc. I was a mess. Enough so that I posted it on Facebook, which I rarely put true feelings like this into the internet world, but I felt like it had to be said. Shared. What I learned from my night of self-woe was that it isn't a relationship or lack there of that defines you. You define you, you know that you're a good person. You know that you are worthy. Then when the right person does come along, you're in a better state of mind to accept them and build a relationship that doesn't determine who you are, but enhances it.
My thirteen year old son confessed that the empty pillow in my bed made HIM sad. So.... I added pillows! Lots and lots of pillows! :)
When you find the "one" what a lucky one she will be.
It's hard to face the empty pillow. All too often that feeling leads us to jump too soon or settle for less than we deserve. Keep searching until you find the perfect person. It hurts a lot worse when there's someone there that makes you feel empty inside.
This really hit home with me... I have an empty pillow, too. :')
I understand what he means. It’s the feeling of complete emptiness. That part of you is gone.
OK so listen. I feel this exact way. I am a happy girl. I have much to be happy for and my life does not suck. With all the positive, the one negative in my life is HUGE. It is the absence of someone to share this happy life with. I fear I have missed my true love. Like maybe I didn't see it and missed my chance. I keep extremely busy all the time so I don't stop to think about how empty my life feels at times. My son is the light, the brightest little star I have ever seen and I enjoy every single second with him...but this mama is desperately lonely in the moments without him. I ask God to send me a good man, one that will love and cherish us. I know how you feel, Dan. And I hope she comes along soon.
I, too, go through this too often -- being single again and an empty nester. There have been times when the loneliness is crushing, and I must admit that I am hopeful, but not optimistic, about meeting someone. But there is a saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I have put my own twist on this: When I am ready for love, he will appear. All I ask for is the wisdom to recognize each other. Until then -- after reading many books on being single -- I live my life to the fullest and embrace it for all its beauty. I have adventures; I continue to learn and grow. And I believe that by doing so, by fully being myself, that this will not only allow me to have a wonderful life -- but draw the right man to me. I would rather be single than sorry. And ultimately, I don't need someone to complete me; I do want someone to complement me. Until then...it's all good and all part of the plan.
*HUG*
I completely relate to what you mean. I'm a single mother of one four year old boy. I love him with everything that I have and I know he loves me, too. It's not about that. It's about exactly what you said. You want that person that just knows who you are, that looks into your skeleton closet and says, "You know, I've seen worse." That knows what your quirks are, strengths, and weaknesses are and will still be there. Even though you feel alone in this, it was comforting to know I wasn't alone in how I feel. My inner self sometimes just stomps her feet, kicks the dust and pouts, "it's just not fair!" when I see a couple together. At those times I crack up some Michael Buble's "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" and belt it at the top of my lungs. I hope you do too. She'll come and when she does it will be amazing. =)
Is it better to of loved and lost than to have never loved at all? The answer is in the eye of the beholder. Im turning 30 this year and never been in a relationship. I am extremely shy to the point it controls every facet of my life. I have few close friends because I keep everybody at arms length. Life can get quite lonely at times. I know my family and friends love me but that dont fill the void of being hopelessly single. I think the worse part of being single is the lack of touch and no I am not talking about sex. Family and friends cant hug and hold you at night like a partner does. Most days I am content being a bachelor but some days I would give up the world to be in a loving relationship. I have been single for so long now sometimes it is hard to picture myself actually being happy in a relationship. People drive me crazy, even more so when living under the same roof. I like my privacy and the freedom along with the other perks of being single.
Hey Dan, roll that second pillow under your first one, pull Noah a little closer, and don't give up.
:D
You are not alone. You will find someone in time, for now you can set a great example to your son about how important it is to love yourself first. I have to say I dont think I could keep up with the number of emails you receive-you are very good at what you do so you also should feel very good about yourself for that reason. I kept a gratitude journal when my kids grew up for us to track the things we are thankful for and on the hard lonely days I would look at the journal to be reminded of the good things.
I would rather wish I was married than wish I was divorced
I would rather wish I was married than wish I was divorced
Dan,
I can identify with watching an empty pillow next to me. I used to be an active priest , loved by so many, yet intimately always alone. Now that I left the active priesthood, hoping to find someone, I still watch that pillow and wait. If I only wasn't committed to celibacy when I was a priest, I may have been able to find someone. Years lost. At least now I can have a chance. .
I feel bad that you are lonely, but I think you should know that "love of my life" is a construct that may not have validity for most people. I once knew a guy who was married 5 times, and every time he was ready to embark on another relationship, she was "the love of my life." And I truly believe he thought she was. This was the one. He eventually divorced #5 and as far as I know, he has been alone since that time. When I read in an obituary that someone was the love of someone's life, I wonder. How many "love" experiences did this person have to judge by? You are still looking for perfection, but this time in a relationship rather than in yourself. Stop, already. Just like no person is perfect and no job is perfect and no apartment is perfect, no relationship is perfect either. I am so devoted to my mate of almost 39 years (and he, apparently, to me) that you might think we are the love of the other's life, but I can't say that we are. We are people who have spent most of our adult lives together, raised two great kids together, held each other up in hard times and celebrated the good times, and neither of us found another, but we are flawed people in a flawed relationship that is probably as good as it gets. It's wonderful, though, and I hope the same for you. But there isn't a fairy godmother, and the "love of one's life" is a myth. Look rather for an excellent woman who mostly fills the holes in your soul and complements you and supports you -- and do and be likewise for her.
@mickeyl I understand what you are saying, but I don't think that the idea of the "love of one's life" is a myth. I have been married to my husband for 17 years. I know, it's not even half as long as you have been married, but we have raised 9 children, lost 6 babies before birth, had three seriously ill at birth, money trouble, extended family issues, etc...but when I look over at this guy who has stood with me, held me up, cried with me, I know that I was meant for him, and he was meant for me. God's gifts to each of us -was the other. He is absolutely the love of my life. I pray for him every day, as I cannot imagine my life without him, and I truly know many others who feel the same way...
But Dan - pray for her, pray for this woman who will be your wife one day. Love Christ, lay your loneliness and troubles at His feet, and He will be all you need so that when she does arrive, you are ready and whole, and waiting for her.
WOW! That was such an awesome post. I know all the pain you are going through. You are right! Noah does not need the burden and it is not the same thing at all. It took me a while to find that someone. I had to go through a few princes. Keep the faith that you will find someone to fill that empty pillow.
ah, sweetheart. Reaching across the void to slip a little patience into your dreams.
All I can say is right there with you. i am crying as I write this. I had someone who knew me, totally and better than anyone. He chose alcohol over me and may never return. Even if he does, I don't know how I could ever trust him again. So I face a life absolutely alone. Some days I do ok, and some days I despair of ever having someone who understands me again.
The loneliest I have ever been was in relationship that lasted 13 years with someone who did not love me as much as I loved him. I realize that I stayed merely because I was afraid to be alone. That relationship ended 17 years ago and I have not been in one since. I am very content as a single mother of two beautiful children who might not be in life had that relationship worked out. If someone came into our lives who loved and was committed to all three of us, I might consider changing my single status, but I am definitely not seeking it.
I hate to be the voice of sarcastic opposition....but if you weren't single anymore..... What would you call your blog? Perhaps you have the power of manifesting at work here. You identify as a single laughing dad.... So the universe accommodates!! Just a thought.....
80% of the time I feel this way! And like you said, kids can't fill that space, they aren't supposed to. But, they sure make life better! Thanks for writing this one!
Beautifully put...very moving... I am right there with you Dan. So much to offer yet every night the moon light kisses the extra empty pillow in my bed. Maybe the majority of the world feels this way... but Dan you are an amazing person and bring comfort to so many! Xoxo sending lots of love your way.
When you are ready for her and she for you, you will find each other. Until then, you must learn to be all those things that you believe your life lacks for yourself - as long as you believe in the loneliness, it will be; as long as you believe in the emptiness, it will be; as long as you believe that you are missing something, you will be. No other person can complete you - they will only compliment who and what you are better than any other ever could. Asking anymore of them is asking too much. Ask it of yourself, you are the only one who can give it.
Even when you find that perfect someone who knows and loves you completely, you can still be lonely watching that empty pillow in the moonlight. My fiancée works at least a 24hour drive away. He is gone for 3-6 weeks at a time and only ever home for 1... I think it's almost worse having someone, but having them be gone...
@ tania green thanks for knowing where im coming from. i embraced my single status after years of concerning myself with it. now im finally in my first real relationship and moving over and sharing my bed is one of the adjustments im still getting used to lol
Throw away the extra pillow (at least put it in the cupboard) and sleep in the middle of the bed. dont wallow in your singleness rather OWN it.
The appearance of loving supportive community on the web is no substitute for true connection. Seek an interest group or faith community that speaks to you, to find those also seeking connection. We are designed for connection - touch, presence, eye contact and happiness. Peace to you!
Very good quote today Dan. I understand your post almost too well. So many people say that I am not alone. I have tons of family and friends back home in Ontario. People I've left behind to be the father my son deserves. I've made many friends out here as well, people who have helped me through every step of this unfortunate situation. People say, 'well you have your son'. And yes, I do. And he's the reason I've given up so much, and yes he does make everything I do out here worth it. But he can't fill that empty pillow. I still can't sleep in the middle of my bed, no matter how many times I try, I always wake up on 'my' side. To fall asleep, and wake up in the arms of someone who loves you, is not the same void that my son can fill. Some people are fine being alone, and others arn't. Sadly, I'm not a part of the first group. Hopefully it will happen one day, but until then we just gotta keep trudging on and put our childrens future before our own. Good luck Dan and hang tough.
You can be married and be alone too. Of course, in my marriage, I am counting down the days until I have that extra pillow with no one's head on it. I am sure it is a case of the grass is always greener, but right now, I can say to myself, when my marriage is over and the divorce is final, I can finally have my own place, my own spot and be by myself away from all that is evil in the man I chose to marry. I am waiting for that day even though it seems a long ways off in the distance.
We live in the same house now but I can't say he knows me all that well. He did at one point, but no longer does he seem to care who I am or what I am. He is more interested in what he is and who he is and what he wants and not what anyone else wants. His own children are abandoned by him yet they live in the same house he does. He can't name a single one of their friends. He doesn't want to attend their events or their birthday celebrations or anything to do with them. When he does attend, he stands back and doesn't engage. So, in many, many ways, I am already that single parent and alone in my job to raise my children to be the best they can be.
I know you have been married twice before but first learn to love yourself and allow yourself to be okay with being alone. If God has a plan for you that involves another, then He will make sure you find Her. Don't give up on that dream but don't feel badly about not having it now.
I am sorry. We may not know each other, but your heart ache knows mine, and mine yours. The pervasiveness of that loneliness, in that moment, I wish none of us ever experienced such pain. And yet in so doing, we receive the promise of some day experiencing the opposite. Of both that and the ability to appreciate it for the gift that it truly is. Someday She, whomever that may be, will fill that spot on your pillow; He will fill that nook in my neck perfectly created to embrace his head. Someday. Until that time, I offer up prayers for you, tears of solace for expressing such pain and sharing it with those of us who cannot truly know you - but appreciate the heart and wisdom you share through your words.
My prayer for you is that you find what you seek. I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes, and I am guessing that if I tried to imagine your life, that image would fall horribly short. Perhaps your time in this "bird cage" of sorts is preparing you for something more wonderful then you can imagine. Good luck to you sir. And I'll say a pray for you tonight. :D
Dan, I have been there myself. I know it is hard to be lonely, but I believe that you will find the person you are looking for. Take care of yourself and pursue what gives you joy and make room for her in your life. Let your friends know you are looking and what your intentions are and who you are looking for. You will most likely find more than one person is interested. Be kind to them all and follow your heart. I've also found that feedback from my family and friends about my partner to be very useful. If my family didn't like someone they were usually right. I have felt that way. Any way life calls but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and to reassure you that everything is going to be all right. You are awesomesauce after all. Your problem will be that too many people are interested. ;)
Wow, reading this hurt with familiarity. I'm a good deal younger than you, but I have been in this exact same place so many times (I love easily and deeply, but seem to have a good deal of trouble finding a romantic partner to return it) and it sucks so badly. But I want to say this, reading what you have written: there is so much love in you. You are the sort of person (I think) who will not have trouble letting the right person into your heart when the time comes. I don't know when she'll show up (or if she will, life is tricky that way sometimes) but you will be ready for her.
In the meantime, all you (or I ,or anyone else in our situation) can only live the shit out of our lives. You have a wonderful son who loves you, and I'm sure great friends and family who love you as well. It's a different sort of love, but it is no less powerful and deep and awesome, for being different. Confide in your friends, and love them as deeply as you can (that is what has helped for me). And while that doesn't make the pain go away completely, you will at least have lived a full life at the end, whether or not you find a romantic partner.
I have been married and divorced more than I care to admit. Because I want exactly what you just said to me in this post. I have the empty pillow. In fact most of the time I sleep on the couch so I don't see that empty pillow. And people who say what about your child, they don't understand that your children should never share that burden with you. It is my job as their mom to make sure they grow up happy and never know how lonely and sad I can be, They need to see the smiling, "I love you" mom that I am when they are around. Then at night after they are tucked in. And I am truly alone, I feel the darkness close in and see the empty pillow...... I do feel that pain.
I hope that writing your feelings down helped. You will attract the things you want in your life by visualizing them and living your life in a way that allows for the events you would like to take place in your life to naturally happen. Lonely feelings happen from time to time, but that is normal.... We are human. Love yourself and your son, the rest will fall into place. You have to trust that good things will happen for you, especially since you send out so much good and love into the world. Chin up :)
So, Im thinking, if you only use one pillow (such as your own) then that problem would be solved! No? Ok, time to be serious...
Im currently going through my own period of "growth" right now... I try to consume the space in a king sized bed that is now made for one (now THAT is an issue, only so much laundry that can be tossed on it! [oh serious, right])... I slept on about a sixth of the bed for about 2 weeks, then realized that it was time to spread my wings, per se, this is MY space,... my time to enjoy being me... would someone being on the other half of the bed be nice? Of course it would; someone to hold and someone to hold you, share your dreams, share your nightmares, share a goodnight kiss... however, I have to be whole first before I can be someones Somebody... Just because you are alone does not mean you are lonely... You are constantly in good company. Do not underestimate what amazing company you are to yourself, I mean if you dont believe in your own "product" then how can someone else want to buy it?? :)
Granted with all that said, I have to constantly reassure myself that Im never alone and therefore not lonely, I have me... there is a poem, I'll share it because it allowed me to be me and be ok with the pain...
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance
with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers
and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to
remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true. I want to know if you can
disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see
Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand
at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and
bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
I so understand this. Well, except for the part where over 500,000 people are interested in anything I have to say...
I am separated and about to be divorced, and feel alone in a way that I have never experienced before. I have a ton of friends, a great family, a wonderful community and two AMAZING children. And yet. I don't know your story, so I don't know if part of this is mourning the loss of someone who was there, and now no longer is- or simply (HA) the yearning for someone that you've not yet met. They're different I suppose- but in the end, pain is pain.
In the past few months I too have had so many dear, good and well intentioned friends reassure me that I am not alone, but I know different. There is a particular loneliness that stems from realizing that you have no partner who really sees you- sees YOU. For better or for worse. Someone who has your back. Who loves you- where love is a verb, not just some swell of emotion. I get it. I'm sorry you are in that place. Just know this, this in't your life. This is your life RIGHT NOW. That's not a forever thing. It just feels that way, sometimes.