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A couple of my readers sent me a link to this post from Dana, who writes the blog Purpose Fairy. It was so good I wrote her and asked if she’d be all right with me re-sharing it with all of you and she was awesome enough to let me. Enjoy, and be sure to check out Dana’s blog. There is a lot of good stuff over there!
15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
By Dana from Purpose Fairy
Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:
1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT
There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?
2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL
Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
3. GIVE UP ON BLAME
Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
4. GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK
Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle
5. GIVE UP YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS
about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle
6. GIVE UP COMPLAINING
Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM
Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.
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I think I'm attached to both people, and.... Attachment. I don't want to Not be attached to people. If I lost a friend, I want to be sad when it happens, I want to do everything I can do to get them back. If that fails, I think that I want to be hurt by it. I think attachment and fear of change are intertwined. Attachment is kind of a fear of loss. And if I'm not afraid to lose something I care about, that's not who I am. That's not who I want to be.
Wow, so many great nuggets of gold in here. I think I've keyed in on the few that I can really work on.
Thank you so much for this! I typed it up, printed it off and posted it in my bathroom. I am going to read this several times a day. I need every single one of these items. I was raised by an angry, critical, judgmental man and I, unfortunately, adopted many of his faults. He is now, at 63, changing and overcoming his weaknesses and I'm trying to overcome them now, before I have a chance to wreak havoc on my children't lives like he wreaked on my and my sibling's lives. I am choosing to be happy. I feel that that is the biggest part of God's plan for us all: to be happy.
Thanks for this post. After reading this and seeing where people I know fit that number to a T, I realized I was trying to control the people in my life that have a need to always be right. Talk about eye opening!
For those who don't agree with the article, I really think it's situational. I don't think we necessarily need to adhere to all of them at once but can't you think of times in your life when it is a good idea to practice these? I know with the always having to be right one it's very true in marriage where you have to decide if you value your relationship or your ego more...I think all can be applied at different times.
I have to work on some. Thanks for sharing
I need lessons on how to give up those things. O:-)
Read this a fre weeks ago....4.5.11 and 12. Anyone with a magic pill out there? The reality of it is...most of us now what we need to work on, but few of us now how... :(
Excellent.
I'm not sure that my life would be any happier if I gave up all those things and, if we ALL gave up those things...no one would ever be right, no one would ever be able to make a decision, no one would be different, no one would be unique, no one would be able to make sound choices or even teach their children right from wrong and life would all of a sudden become "fair"! lol Each item on the list is a good one on it's own for the most part but, combined, i'm afraid the world would stand still. lol
Let's see, I should give up complaining, criticism, blaming and any belief that I'm ever right, but embrace change. If I can't complain, criticize or blame or believe I'm right (which supposes then that those I disagree with are), I probably can't identify what needs to be changed, thus there's no need. Another article that sounds good, but if we adhered to its contradictory messages we'd have no need to get out of bed any day of the week.
Wow. I'd have nothing to do all day.
Yes :)
I read it.. what an awesome list :)
I posted this one on my "borderline personality disorder" page on fb - i really think #4 says what i try to tell my followers all the time! thank you dan!
Well done yet again Dan. Information from a variety of sources condensed into a simple mantra that if followed can produce outstanding results.
One word of caution; don't lose yourself in all this "letting go." You must be willing to stand up for yourself from a place of truth without ego else you will lose yourself with "letting go".....
If you think attachment is only about the material, you are mostly incorrect. Many people learn very quickly that they CAN live without a "thing". They are still attached but not to the point of death. When you no longer have attachment to people, you set yourself and them free. Does that mean you won't care and be there in their need? Absolutely not. It just means that you love them when they do exactly what they want and even make mistakes against you. Jealousy and possessiveness are much more appropriate for your things than your relationships, because we do possess things but not people.
I agree with MohitKant. It is important to have a degree of attachment to those who you love. Like MohiKant said, "Sometimes you have to fight for the ones you love and without the fear of losing them, you do not have the motivation to do so."
Another thing I got from number 14 is that we must detach ourselves from material things and take time to cater to the attachments that we should have, again, being people we love. Overall, this is a great - in my opinion - not exhaustive list of things we should let go of in order to lead a more fulfilling, positive, and happy life.
The past...the hardest thing for me to give up; or as I say, let go of, is the past. But not because it looks so much better...in fact it is so much worse. So much darker. And there are times when I simply look around and think...I don't deserve all this because...and then, enter past.
I agree with everything except number 14. Attachment isn't being clingy and controlling. It is just affection. Giving up on attachment, especially when it comes to people, isn't always right. Sometimes you have to fight for the ones you love and without the fear of losing them, you do not have the motivation to do so. While "real love is pure, kind, and self less", you cannot truly love something or someone without being attached to them.Yes, we should detach ourselves from negative people and feelings, but not from the people that matter. It's what makes us human.
@MohitKant When she talks about attachment, she is speaking in terms of being attached to someone or something in the way that if that person or thing was no longer in your life, you could no longer live, yourself. What you are speaking of, is love..unconditional love and yes, you can truly love someone without being attached to them. Being attached to someone means, in the most basic terms, that if, for some unforseen reason, they were no longer in your life, you would not be able to continue living without them. That's what attachment is and that's why attachment is not good, because it gives you the false sense that you literally could not live if the person or thing that you are attached too was taken away from you.
I'm guilty of way too many of these, but I think I need to look harder at the difference between love and attachment, because I think I often confuse the two. Thanks to some of the previous commenters who helped clarify these very similar, but fundamentally different, concepts.
The hardest one for me is the need to be right. I just want people to know that I'm smart and that I know what I'm talking about.
Also, the giving up the past. I try to remember it constantly so I can see my improvements. But I don't need to dwell. And I'm really trying to work on that.
I absolutely love this post.
Such good truths!
This is amazing & soooo true!
1. Me Right? HA! Practically never. But sometimes, and I do relish those occasions. :D
2. Control? Only when it comes to driving, I trust my instincts and the instincts of ONLY 2 others in my life.
3. Blame? I learned a long time ago that when something goes wrong in my life, its usually cause I did it. Then I fix it.
4. Self-Defeatest Talk? On rare occasions I have pity parties...maybe once a year, then my bestie offers to get me some worms...and I usually snap right out of it.
5. Limiting Beliefs? Over the last 6 years I have allowed myself to be open to others and have learned that I can learn SO much from them, things that I never realized I never knew. Turns out, I kinda like it.
6. Complaints? This is one of my hardest things, I think I don't complain that often, then I catch myself complaining, then I complain about the fact that I am complaining again...will have to work on that.
7. Criticism? Honestly, almost never. Unless I am asked...and if the truth is a criticism, then so be it. Don't ask me for my opinion unless you can take it, but I do not OFFER up criticisms as a daily job. Not my style.
8. Impress Others? Nope. Don't really care if you are impressed by me. Unless you are a potential employer...then I will attempt to impress you. But I DO try to make others laugh on a daily basis. I feel that is a good thing though. :D
9. Resistance To Change: This is where I falter the most. I HATE change. I do not rearrange my house, I do not change my hairstyle, I do not buy new clothes unless the old ones are falling apart. I like to know I can walk through my house in the dark without running into anything, I see no need to get an updated hair do, when the one I have works just fine and I like the look of it. And also, I plan my days, when things happen that mess up that plan....it irritates me greatly because I feel there is something I have not done that needs to be done and now has to be done another time, when it should have been done already. I hate hate hate change.
10. Labels: Not really sure about this one. I may do it, I don't know, will have to look into it and check.
11. Fears? I only have a few and I doubt I will be able to just give them up, cause I'm not entirely sure where they even started, well a couple anyways. These things are Clowns, Oceans and other bodies of water and centipedes.
12. Excuses? I don't give excuses, I give reasons. :D
13. Give up the Past? It took me a very long time...over 20 years....but I did it, and my life is better for it.
14. Attachments? Once again, not sure about this one, I am attached to many things, but mostly those are my friends and family...and that one teddy bear I have had since I was like 6...and I like these things and do not wish to give them up.
15. Other People's Expectations? Also, recently given this up. I have found that I prefer my OWN expectations to that of others, and have learned that when I follow through with my own, others seem to have a pleasant reaction to them. SO....yep. Gonna keep on doing that too.
@kekah1689
Takes a lot of practice to get better at anything - including relaxing and letting go. I know this from experience and still struggle with it. Everyone, I think, has trouble letting go of 'being right'. It's the basis of most arguments, which are simply efforts to see who can have the last word and thereby 'win'. Certainty brings comfort. Belief brings comfort. When something or someone challenges our certainty or beliefs, we want to fight back. After all, of what value is a belief if it is easily swayed?
The change you hate is inevitable, whether you reject it or accept it. How much energy, both physical and emotional, have you wasted by fighting against it? You don't have to be a leaf simply floating at the will of the current of change, but the river of time will take you forward no matter what you do. So, it is better to accept that change will happen, and what you can and should do is simply adjust your position in the stream as it carries you forward. No matter how good (or bad) the past was, you can't go back to 'fix' or relive any of it. The only option is to learn from it and go with the flow of life and select only the best of what comes your way from this point on.
Sounds kind of metaphysical, I guess, but I do believe that one of our 'reasons for being here' is to learn and not simply exist during our allotted time. We are also here to teach, and the dialogue that this post has generated is a good example of that. I see a lot of myself in your post above. It's good to recognize that none of us are really alone in what we think and feel.
@kekah1689
Your resistance to change sounds a lot like a need to control. Especially when what you planned does not go as planned. Might want to reexamine that.
If only the pusher could understand.
Excellent advice. What I've learned, trying to let go of these things (I think I'd have to say that that attachment to being right is my biggest challenge off the list, but they're all something I face), is that the toughest part is learning to recognize when you're doing these things. The more I practice, the easier it gets. And while I regularly fail miserably at letting these things go, my life is still significantly easier and happier than before I started trying.
Thanks for sharing this,it's the Reallity of Life that so many of us don't like to think about to make these changes.
AWESOME!
Wow...good list.
good stuff
very very cool... and helpful!
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Thank you for sharing this. It is wonderfully profound. I may have to bookmark it.
Ee gads..this looks very good, but I don't think I have the mettle to read this right now.
I think they missed something...notice how "housework" is not on the list.
LOL, Lisa that's funny!!! Loved this post and of course love your blog. Thanks for sharing
Great read!! Thanks for sharing this.
How about giving up anger and resentment for those who have wronged you? I have such a problem with forgiveness, especially when the person who has wronged me does not ask for it. I refer to large things, like an abusive husband, a person that altered your children's lives because of their negative actions. Anger puts a stop to truly moving forward in your life. I speak, and hope that someday I can follow this advice myself.
@Desert__Sage Forgiving those who have wronged you is not necessarily for them. It is for you. It will make you feel much better about YOURSELF. I was abused repeatedly in both my biological parents homes and in a few of the foster homes I lived in. It took me a long time, but I forgave them, in order to be fully myself again. I wanted to be happy, and in order for that to take place, I had to let go of the anger towards those who had harmed me. Honestly, it made a HUGE difference and I feel much better about myself now.
@kekah1689
Totally agree with kekah1689 on this! Forgive yourself first and then forgiving others is easier. When you hold on to the hate, you are giving that person part of your power.
@StormyzMom @kekah1689
Hate and fear are reflections of each other. We fear what we do not understand and hate gives us a corrupted form of control over that thing or person we fear. Love, on the other hand, is acceptance without judgement, and without the need have power over that which is, after all, totally beyond our ability or 'right' to control.
Can someone help explain the difference between attachment and love? How do you love someone without being attached them?
@inaRehT There have been hundreds (thousands??) of books and texts written on this very question! It's well outlined by Buddhist and other meditative spiritualities.
I think the previous explanations are really good starts. Here's one thing i know about i:
Attachment arises out of fear (of sadness, loneliness, etc.). Love helps to ease the fear that requires the attachment
@inaRehT
Attachment is something you do for you. Love is something you give the other person. The old phrase about "if you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it was meant to be" has some real truth to it because love is about choice. Attachment is about need or greed or the desire to control. Love is never about any of these.
@parkpapa
Wow. Love that definition in your first 2 sentences. Summed it up nicely.
@inaRehT the way I understand it, attachment is a clinging need for someone or something to be the way you think it should be, and Love is being able to accept someone or something exactly the way it is at a particular moment, even if there are things you don't like about it. For an example, I have a lot of Daddy issues and while I was attached, all I could do was hurt and wish he was different and rail about how he "shouldn't" be such and such a way, but when I detached, I was able to see him as another human being who was doing the best he could in the face of as much pain as I was feeling. It didn't change anything about him, but it made my life a lot easier and I could see him in a much more loving way.