Have you ever heard it said that you should “assume the best, and doubt the worst about others?” It’s a mantra I try to live by, yet one that I often find so difficult. A while back, I posted this on my blog:
I took Noah to the park today, and was able to snag this little beauty with my camera phone. What to even say about it? I guess sometimes nothing can be said because the picture says it all.
PS. Just FYI, this photo has been slightly edited for color and added effect.
As I explained later in the comments, I posted this image, as well as the editing confession as a catalyst for making people wonder how real it was, the things I might have done to make it worse than it was, etc. Basically, I wanted to paint a picture that at first glance would ruffle some feathers, but on further contemplation would allow for others to stop and assume the best and doubt the worst about the driver and his parking job.
After all, if I had edited something for added effect, shouldn’t it be important to know what that might be? I was sure it wouldn’t take long at all for people to really start questioning it and assuming the best while doubting the worst. I was shocked that it wasn’t until page four of the comments that somebody finally said something that wasn’t judgmental or negative, and it wasn’t until page five that somebody finally said something that was actually in this guy’s favor.
The unedited photo probably could have stood by itself, but I wanted a reason for people to question things in the driver’s favor. The driver really was parked that way. The only thing I changed in Photoshop was to make the bottom stall handicap too (originally, only one of the two stalls he was parked across was designated for handicap parking).
It was on page five that somebody finally gave me what I was looking for. They mentioned that it looked like he was parked next to a restroom. Perhaps he was facing a serious bathroom emergency, and it wasn’t too big a deal since there were several other handicap spots still open. Another reader finally made the same assumption, but even after and between those assumptions, a slew of negative continued to pour in.
Of course, it may seem that I am being judgmental right now, and that I am assuming the worst about all those who commented. I assure you that is not the case. I am merely discussing for discussion sake. When I saw the car parked that way, I myself thought the same negative thoughts. I cursed and mumbled at the nerve of this guy. I snapped the photograph and thought it would make for a great blog post about what schmucks some people were, and it was only when I got home and thought about my goal to always assume the best of others that I thought about how I might use it to strike up useful discussion.
So, why do we do that? Why do we so naturally assume the worst about others and doubt the best? Why are so many of us so eager to find fault in others? Why do we so often want to tell the grimmest story possible about what others do or have done in our lives?
Is it because it makes us feel better about ourselves? Is it because it somehow makes us better than others? Is it because it makes us feel justified in our own faults, weaknesses, and moments of stupidity? Could it even be that it’s fun or entertaining to do so?
All I know is that I enjoy life so much more when I assume the best and doubt the worst of others. My friendships grow stronger and my life is more fulfilling. I feel stronger as a person, and I feel less like I am in competition with others.
In truth, when I constantly doubt the best and assume the worst about others, I ultimately hurt myself more than anyone. I burden myself with a spirit of pessimism and negativity. I weigh myself down with pride and egotism. I also end up having to justify my harsh judgments of others by finding more of their faults anywhere I can. After all, one bad deed is never enough to enforce resentment or disdain for very long.
And so, I’ll continue trying to improve myself in this regard, even though it is one of my biggest weaknesses. I have faith that one day it will become a force of habit to look at every situation and always assume the best of others, no matter how tempting it is to do the opposite.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. The owner of the car was not in the bathroom. He was sitting over by the playground, talking to a younger woman while children played close-by. Knowing that, and seeing the picture above, how would you find a way to still assume the best and doubt the worst?
Also, I’d love your other comments today. Do you find it difficult to think this way about others, or is it natural for you? What were your first thoughts as you looked at the photograph above? Do you agree or disagree with the idea of assuming the best and doubting the worst?
Oh Lord! I only noticed that it was a pretty car. I guess I'll never be a detective - but I'm usually pretty happy so that's ok.
I have been going through a situation of being judged and the comments made by people are truly amazing. My boss's business started floundering due to the fact he had a heart attack during tax season, (he was an accountant), and then had his kidneys removed which left his time limited at the tax office. I tried to keep things afloat until someone could take over the business and even found someone who was willing. My boss liked the person but never followed through with them and instead sold his clients on a five year contract which he did not have his lawyer read. I honestly think my boss may have decided he just did not care anymore about his business due to his illness. Regardless, I was the office manager and people maligned me for 'ruining' his business. Not that his other accountants left, or that his ex had to be paid alimony money, or the recent illnesses along with the already daunting health issues he had. His business has been gone for two years now, and just recently the gossip cropped up again and was told to a friend of mine. Can people really be that heartless and cruel and not look for what the truth of the matter might be?
I thought It was a way cool car!
Honestly, my first thought was 'Nice car, man.' I didn't even notice the parking job for a second there. But honestly, even if he had no good reason at all to park that way, we are all on different levels, we each have a different understanding, we each come from different perspectives. Whatever happened, I doubt he drove into the parking lot thinking, "Today I'm going to park sideways across two parking spots, and one (or two) of them are going to be handicapped. Muahahahaha." I for one don't know what he was thinking... so why should I say anything at all?
My first reaction was to think that this might be at a school on the weekend or after hours when the school is closed and no one else is there. I take my grandson to a school on off hours for the playground and no one else is ever there. My son once pulled in a handicap space just to let out his girlfriend who was going to work, there were no other spaces, he never turned his car off and while backing out, a police car came behind and blocked him. He gave him a ticket and he did fight it and didn't have to pay.
Personally, as long as there was at least one other handicap spot available, I don't see the harm. It just seems lazy and/or selfish to take up more than one spot though.
I worked in the parking for 15 years and really there is no bright side to this picture. There is no reasonable explanation for parking like this, unless the car or driver died there. This is a hot button. The one that sets me off is people who park in fire lanes to wait for some one or "just run in for a sec". Makes me crazier than I normally am.
Dan, handicapped parking violations are a trigger. Can you revisit this with another type of violation?
Starting when my kids were very young I would often comment on unusual situations with the question, "I wonder why?" We would then have a great time making up situations--often producing funny and interesting stories. My kids have grown up to be thinkers. I have a sneaking suspicion that the kids of some of the commenters are growing up hearing the ignorant, judgmental comments on this post. Possibly that is how the commenters got that way--they learned it from their elders. We don't need to always assume the best or the worst. We need to learn to use our brains and imagination. We need to recognize when we are wasting our righteous indignation on a non issue. We need to find real causes ie advocating for the challenged. Commenters have bitched about how someone parks when it truly doesn't matter, but have they noticed a need of the challenged and contacted city hall or written to their local paper to address it. Rather than saying "get a life" I think I will say "get a cause, one that actually matters".
I'm in recovery for being judgmental. It is definitely an addiction for me and it does more damage to myself than anyone else. I've managed to prevent most of it from coming out of my mouth but the thoughts are still in my head. I did discover something very important in the process. I have not been sleeping well and that makes it worse. When I have a restful night's sleep I find my serenity the next day and everything is so much easier and brighter. The glass is at least half full if not all the way full when I have a good night's sleep under my ear.
@ChristinaMays I believe that you have hit on an extremely important issue. I have had reason to research the consequenses of sleeplessness lately and have had my experiences confirmed as a measurable phenomena. We are not our best selves when sleep deprived. Unfortunately modern life is conducive to sleep deprivation for all ages. It's considered a very serious heath problem.
Considering this guy arrogant is indicative of a very immature attitude towards rules and laws. It is obvious there are plenty of spaces--consideration for the handicapped is a non-issue in this case. The chances of being fined in our town would be approaching zero. It appears that some of the posters, including Dan, are prejudiced against this guy for the car he drives--ie he's avoiding scratches--nonsense--I repeat look at the picture. There are no other cars nearby.
Now consider this possibility: he was dropping his child off to play under the care of this young woman--just because she's young and he's a guy we don't have to assume it was a hustle. (is it possible that one attraction of this blog is the fact that Dan's baggage is constantly showing up?) One or the other of them remembered something that needed to be discussed. She needed to stay in the playground so he quickly went over expecting to go right back but they got talking. The parking of the car is a non issue. If a convoy of physically challenged people showed up he would move on pronto ;-) No arrogance. No blatant disregard of laws. Just a fellow human going about his life in a reasonable and positive way.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I can't. All I can see is someone who thinks they are high and mighty and doesn't need to follow the rules or his beloved car might get scratched. At least I'm real about it, I won't sit here and say bathroom emergency. I was ashamed I didn't think of that myself and how horrible I must look at the world until I read that he was at the park. I'm young, I'm stressed and for some reason, my positive attitude towards others is just fading as fast as a draining sink. I would have dented his car. I have before. Then cried that night from feeling bad. Oh well
@KatieNM It's a relief that you cry after damaging someone's car intentionally--I would hate to see you do it with impunity. Consider the irony--someone who parks without impacting anyone--though illegally-- is high and mighty etc. You on the other hand would do damage for an imaginary reason. Is it possible for you to keep your mind open? Is it possible for you to let go of predudices--both positive and negative? This does require practice. The game I played with my kids, mentioned in a later post helps--and it's fun.
About being stressed--check out ChristinaMays comment.
@fritzie Excellent response :)
I am intrigued by this approach as I think it's a good start to loving others. The first thing I thought of while reading this post was what my Mema would say, "Maybe he's having a bad day..." A few thoughts on the picture with this new information: 1) He realized that he loves her and wanted to communicate his feelings immediately if not sooner. 2) They are married and have children. Their youngest just started walking and the mother wanted him to be there to see it. 3) The man's relationship to the woman to the woman is arbitrary. He saw a fire, heard her yelling for a lost child, etc. and immediately pulled over to help. 4) The man is her father and he's stopped by the park to tell her that for the first time in 8 years he is cancer free.
I just saw this for the first time, and the first thing I thought was Wow, that poor guy must have had a real emergency happening - puking kid or injured kid were what came to mind first. I think I've trained myself to think that way when someone seems like an idiot driver on the road, they could have a puking kid in the car, they could be sobbing upset about something, or trying not to jostle their in-labor wife. It doesn't help anything to get angry with other drivers, but it makes me feel better to think they're not just being idiots. :)
love your stuff, SDL!!!
Also, he left the very first spot open. It looks like a very empty parking lot. If it was empty and at least one handicapped spot was open and I needed it (i take my great-grandmother places), I wouldn't give it a second thought. If it was a full parking lot and he was like this with no other close spots, then yeah, different story there.
Well, reading the bottom and try to assume the best, I'd say maybe he was a divorced father and was picking up or dropping off the kids. There are some parents who meet in a neutral or public place. Does that give him the right to take up those spaces? No but sometimes a person expects things to take just a minute and then you get to talking and 20 minutes has gone by. Things happen.
Ha. I think you all missed the point. Did any of you even read Dan's article? The points in there.
And THAT is an illustration of the point that was to be conveyed. It also doesn't help that the internet dehumanizes people and makes it easier to attack our fellow man.
Echo Johnston, you missed the whole point. It is NOT ok because we all do it. Reread the post and the reply to Tony, please.
Tony Ridgway, that is not the point. The point is that every one is guilty of something and is based on the Christian principle that the guiltless should throw the first stone and that since the rest of us haven't been hit with a stone, we should extend that same mercy to him that we have enjoyed. And even if you have never parked illegally, i'm sure you are guilty of other infractions. A bit more simply, not only do we all make simple mistakes, we don't have the whole story, and it is never prudent to make snap assumptions.
This reminds me a bit of an awesome story I read about the assumptions we make. I don't want to spoil it by saying how it ends--found it online here: http://www.therarising.com/oprah2.cfm
Personally, it's a matter of respect. Yes, there are plenty of spaces available, so the driver has absolutely no reason to park across the handicapped spot. The choice the driver made to park sideways and in a handicapped spot shows me that he thinks he is more important than anyone else and that rules don't apply to him when he doesn't feel like obeying them. I'm not for blindly following rules, especially if it may cause harm, but this is not that type of situation.
I think it would be really hard. No matter what- there are obviously plenty of other spaces and it's hard to imagine why you are in such a hurry you need to take up three spaces, handicapped or not. Emergency room? Pull quickly into a parking space and run in!! Take up two spaces if you need to. But it's obvious it's not a crowded lot at a hospital. Bathroom break? Same rule. It's not an overcrowded lot (by quick glance) that there aren't other spots available!! We don't care about your car, sir, just so you know.
Parking like an arrogant jerk, is still parking like an arrogant jerk (handicapped space or not, this guy thinks he's awesome.) No matter what the excuse, a tiny sports car has no business being parked like it's an RV in any lot. Furthermore, I assume he went to driving school and learned how to do it well enough to pass a state test. Sure, no one else is there...but just because no one else is there, it's okay to break rules and laws? Hey, there's no one coming the other way, I'll just run the red light! Well, no one was at the intersection...makes it okay, right?
Quite honestly, judging is generally more about the person doing the judging, than the person being judged. If I am in a good space about myself, I am so much more tolerant about and loving toward others. If I can see myself in my inherent nature (as in the perfect, the way I was born, full of awesomeness, etc.) than I can more easily see others in that same light. Yeah, I'm really far from perfect and I think judging is better left to our Higher Power. In the meantime, I've noticed that when I believe the best of people, I am seldom disappointed. I attract what I am, positive, loving, healing and awesome. Thank you so very much for making us think and see things in a different light. You seriously ROCK!. Blessings on your journey.
It was SO interesting to read the comments. I have to admit initially I just saw the car and thought, cool ride! Didn't even notice the handicapped parking snafu til the reason-of-comments. Then I was like, OOPS, nice detective work there! :/ So I had some perspective, at least, prior to immediate judgement. The tone of some of the negative comments was...well, so close-minded-know-it-all-and-better-than-you type thinking. I think thats where we all have to start opening our minds to other possibilities...that perhaps we can be wrong, even in instances when we know 100% that we are in the right! How incredibly hard that is to do...
This makes me think of all those dumb facebook posts that make people assume the worst. Like that edited flipped around picture of President Obama. Everyone immediately assumed it was true, and didn't even stop to think of the (obvious) possability that it had been edited! Stop and think people.
Jerry=KEY ..dang phone
Lmao....I was thinking that Purdy car needed to have some texture on the paint....my Jerry texture. thanks for the wake-up slap!
Here in New Zealand, a woman had her car towed from a disabled parking space despite having a visible disabled parking permit. Her crime? Being attractive and well dressed, driving a nice car, not having an immediately obvious disability. In fact she had a disease she would without a doubt die from within 4 years. She bought the fancy car because, well, if you had that long to live, wouldn't you?
I love that you continually challenge me to be better and think better about others. Thank you so much for consistently providing me with a fresh positive perspective, something that is hard to find these days.
I agree with fritzie. There really isn't anything morally wrong with this, given the spots available. I guess I've never seen laws as so black-and-white. I tend to just acknowledge the purpose of the law and use my own judgement. Why come to a complete stop at an intersection if there is no one around? Why use a turn signal if no one can see it? Etc etc. I, personally, tend to park correctly in the appropriate spot all the time but I do that more for OCD-related reasons than moral reasons. This scenario does reflect negatively on the owner's personality but I see it more as a reflection of sloppiness rather than arrogance. We assume arrogance because he's driving a flashy-looking convertible, but there really isn't anything about that car which even a materialistic person could find impressive or extraordinary. I just see someone who is lazy and careless.
@LuisF
You can tell alot about a person by what they do when they "think" no one is looking =] Accidents dont happen when people use their signals or when they actually stop when they "think" no one else is around. Yet they Do happen when people are not in the habit of doing such things. Rules and laws are there for a reason. Yes, there Are some rather ridiculous ones out there....put there bc there are quite a few ridiculous (idiots) people out there. But basically, they are simple and easy to follow (and pertain to commom courtesy) and are there to keep life flowing more smoothly
@scoot6996@LuisF
I believe you misunderstand. While I agree that driving happens to a large part as habit, the decision to ignore a law is not. It is always a conscious and mindful decision for me. I am assuming that applies to LuisF as well. In that moment when I decide to ignore a law I am extremely attentive to what I am doing. As you say "rules and laws are for a reason". Sometimes that reason does not exsist. The photo of this blog post is a perfect example of that.
You are touching on a totally different subject when you talk about what a person will do or not do if they think someone is looking. That is a very interesting subject as well but it is not relevant in this case. I too am committed to having things run smoothly and will not do things to jeopardize that. In this case, we are talking about those laws with which I agree generally but which are irrelevant under certain circumstances. I do not care if people see me do this--I can justify my actions. I may be risking a fine--but of course that is my problem and a chance I decide to take.
@fritzie Not that my parenting skills have anything whatsoever to do with the photo in this blog, but...for the record....I am continuously complimented on how well behaved my kids are and what a Fun mom that I am. :) Kudos on being so successful with yours as well! It just goes to show, people from all walks of life and of varying opinions can Both raise Awesome kids
@fritzie lol Ditto!
@scoot6996
In my experience, your type of dogmatism does not serve one well when raising kids these days. I'll be interested in talking again in 20 years, when you have successfully raised your kid to productive adulthood as I have done with mine. In the meantime you and I will just agree to disagree; no one else is paying attention.
@fritzie @scoot6996 "Breaking a law is Not doing the "right" thing."
Yes, I believe it or I would not have written it. (Notice capitals and quotations)
@scoot6996 " no matter the circumstances. Breaking a law is Not doing the "right" thing."
Having been given plenty of time to reflect--or do you actually do that-- you can not possibly believe that statement--can you?
@fritzie @LuisF
Oooo.k. lol First of all, you are the person who comments on every other post, most likely to stir some debates up, which is fine if thats how you like to roll. Me? I like to state my opinion and leave it at that and carry on with my life (apparantly not in this case, bc it annoys me when people misconstrue what I am saying). Its perfectly fine for you to have an opinion...just as everyone else has the right to theirs. The majority of people find it annoying when someone has to state theirs about Everything. We dont need to know everything that comes to your mind and we really dont care :) We would indeed be here all day.
That being said.... I was originally speaking to Luis, not you. And the subject matter is the picture in this post, not what you have done with your "high" van.
Now, to satisfy your insatiable desire to "debate".....
As I said before, you have to think Ahead...about the possible scenarios that Could happen. We cant see much of the picture. It could be a small parking lot, or even a big one, and Every single space could be taken up except the ones shown in the picture...who knows?
Also, people like to make things more difficult than they have to be. Say a butt load of handicapped vehicles (or 6ish) Did show up...they would have to Wait for this person to realize whats going on, apologize and move his car, thus blocking possible cars trying to pass by, back out of their own space, or into another. They (Any of the people in Any of the cars) could have schedules that they have to adhere to. The guy could have avoided taking these extra steps by doing it right to begin with. He wouldnt have used up his time, as well as countless others. Its the small things. It really is. And Every Thing You Do Affects Someone Else, whether we realize it at the time or not. Whether anyone is looking or not. Thats bc even our Thoughts affect others, voiced or not. Our lives are so intertwined, obviously more than you realize.
You stated that the driver of this car, as well as yourself, did the right thing. YET, you say you break many laws. This is clearly breaking a law, no matter the circumstances. Breaking a law is Not doing the "right" thing.
Thank you, come again :)
@scoot6996@LuisF
You asked "why not just do it right the first time?"
In my opinion I do the right thing--so has the driver of the car in the picture. We are impacting no one negatively. As I have said before--if a convoy of physically challenged people showed up I'd move on--I expect that the driver of the car in the picture would as well. As to why one would park like that--I have already given several possible reason's. Here are some other actual situations occurring over the past several decades: I was unloading someone or something that was easier on a curb (my van is a little high off the ground)--a senior citizen, children, a physically challenged friend, a stroller, a wheelchair, a very old dog, teenage guys who push and shove each other (it's safer on the sidewalk), soccer practice equipment (kids were helping so I try to keep them on the sidewalk as much as possible) ; I was asking directions to an automotive shop in a strange town--my van had lost it's reverse; I wasn't planning to get out of my vehicle but someone called me over for a short while. I could probably think of more, but it's late.
I don't believe that I have ever deprived a physically challenged person of a spot. I am however personally responsible for quite a number of these spots in my town. I make it a point to see things from their point of view. I also sometimes transport them.
As I mentioned in another post--I break many laws--whenever it suits me and doesn't impact anyone else.
@fritzie @LuisF
Nope, no misunderstanding there :) Maybe you misunderstood where I was stating my opinion on the topic, just as you had stated yours. My views are not up for debate. I wasnt saying anyone was in the wrong, thats not for me to decide. My point was that Most people (clearly not yourself) will fail to use their blinker (insert alternative scenario here) when needed if they are not in the habit of using it all the time. Sometimes people "think" they dont need it, yet in a flash the situation can change and they do need to use it but do not have time to. Why not just do the right thing All the time?
"Sometimes that reason does not exist." I said myself that sometimes these "reasons" are ridiculous, but they are there none the less. For some "reason", they were put into existance.
You have to think ahead in life. Its not just about the now. You have to consider the possible repercussions of your actions. While the possiblitlity that several vehicles with handicapped stickers showing up are slim, it is still indeed a possibility. Life is full of surprises, and things happen when and how we least expect it.
Like I said in an earlier post (not verbatim): It would take the same amount of effort to pull into an actual space, so why not just do it right the first time?
@LuisF I prefer to think of it as casual and impulsive rather than careless and lazy ;-)
@fritzie Haha, I guess you could be right :)
We assume the worst, becuase oftentimes, people who assume the best are walked over, taken advantage of, or completely ripped off.
I am, if you thought the best of the person sending you an email about your long lost relative in Nigeria who left you a large sum of money that will only cost $1,000 to access, where would you be?
Honestly I feel we should be negative! The problem we have in this country is a feeling of entitlement! If we start getting mad about things like this then maybe we can be a more humane peoples. Remember the Quote "All evil needs to survive, is for good men to do nothing"! May have not quoted it right but you get the picture!
P.S. I am 10% disabled and can get a sticker to use these stalls but prefer to leave them for those individuals who truly need them!