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Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!

All right, I’m back and feeling great! Now to start putting together new posts. :)

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another installment of “Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!”

Once upon a time, I asked my Facebook followers to share the funniest thing they’d ever heard an old person say. These posts are a compilation of those responses. As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color.” Like I said last time, if that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.

  • “Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.”
  • “I’m so angry I could spit.”
  • Any time I asked my grandpa if “so and so” was around, he replied, “She’s so round you wouldn’t believe it!”
  • “Never start a sentence with ‘Um..’ it makes you sound stupid.”
  • An elderly woman I know, in reference to her daughter finding out the gender of her child: “I get to find out if I’m going to be a grandma or a grandpa!”
  • At a wedding, we were to blow bubbles as the bride and groom walked out of the church. Oma didn’t know what bubbles were or how to work them. So she pulled the cap off of the little bottle & poured the soap out into the air. It all came down on a woman in front of her. Oma smoothly handed the bubbles to my little nephew & walked away.
  • The first and only time I heard my grandmother swear was when I was 5. She was hemming something and poked herself with a needle when she said, “well kick a bucket of sh*t down the stairs that hurt.”
  • After sipping champagne at a wedding my grandpa said, “I wish my dog was here so I could lick her a** and get this taste out of my mouth!”
  • “You are just busier that a fart in a hot skillet!”
  • I asked a 92-year old patient of mine if she would try out a new gadget. Her reply: “I’ll try anything but marijuana!”
  • My 85 year old grandma farted during a family gathering. She made a very disgusted face and asked my dad (her son) “Why would you do that in public?! I’m so ashamed of you!”
  • “In days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren’t invented, they laid their load beside the road and walked away contented.”
  • Once my gramma’s slip was showing . Someone said to her, “Gramma, it’s snowing down south!” She replied, “Just as long as it isn’t raining!”
  • When I was younger, my grandpa used to pass gas and he’d say, “Joo hear that frog? I think I sat on a frog.”
  • “We’re off like a fart in a whirl wind.”
  • If my grandfather saw someone walking with a limp, he had no problem approaching the person and saying, “You know, if you take that rock out of your shoe, you’d probably walk a lot better.”
  • My great aunt decided to throw my son a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. My then 98 year old great grandma told me an hour in that she was “glad she had lived right because this must be exactly what hell is like.”
  • “I’m so broke, if it cost a nickel to sh*t, I’d have to throw up.”
  • We were driving past a cemetery once and my grandma said “I wonder how many dead people there are in there.” My grandpa looked at her and replied “Well, mother, I hope they’re all dead.”
  • At my best friend’s bridal shower, it slipped out in front of her grandmother that she had had premarital sex. Her grandmother promptly noted that my friend would need to wear a black sash over her dress if she dared to wear white. Before she could react, grandma quickly followed, “Don’t worry, none of us are saints. If my grandma had her way, I would have been draped in more black sashes than you could count.”

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say (knowing that I might use it in a future post)?

Also, this morning I published the second installment of My Fantastic Escape. Be sure to check it out!

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119 comments
AnnieBlanchard
AnnieBlanchard

I am always surprised when someone is surprised at something I say, just because I'm "old"... I love being over 60 because the things I did and said before that were ho-hum boring and ordinary are now either a bit charming or a little shocking, 'cause they're out of the mouth of some (old) babe.  

Mikefdsfds
Mikefdsfds

You can find the best Grandma quotes on Twitter: @Grandma_Quotes

SherieVlMasse
SherieVlMasse

I was leaving to go off to college, and went over to my Nana's to say goodbye.  She was a ver well brought up lady, but had a fabulous sense of humor.  As I was headed out the door, her parting words were "Well, have fun, and try not to do anything I wouldn't do.  But if you do, name it after me!".  I almost fell on the floor with surprise and laughter at that one.

MarlaHusovsky
MarlaHusovsky

My great uncle used to say, whenever one of us cousins were in the bathroom, so and so whent off to chase a rabbit. Still makes me giggle to this day. :) I miss him greatly.

mrsphajze
mrsphajze

My Grandmother who was 1 of 11 children used to say, " I asked my mother , 'Why did you have so many children?' and she said, 'Because loved your father, of course!' " Always cracked me up!!! 

Ashley
Ashley

My mom called my grandma one day and asked her if she had been watching the Detroit Auto Show on TV. My mom replied no why? My grandma responded "well I hear it's getting really bad this year, they're even having barenaked ladies there!" (Apparently the band was visiting.)

krisinluck
krisinluck

My family came from Hillbilly stock.  My grandmother, who we called MomMom, was like Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies.  No kidding.  And stuff she came up with!

 

My personal favorite I still use to this day:  "That went over like a fart in the punch bowl!"  

 

She was a baseball fanatic.  She also was completely deaf, but read lips better than I could hear.  When the umpires and managers would get in a tussle, she'd read their lips and translate what they were saying.  All of the words...no edit on her at all!  Mom would overhear it and come storming in the den.  Standing between MomMom and the TV, she'd let her know that wasn't really what she wanted me hearing!  lol  

 

I miss both of them so much. 

Alida Rothgeb
Alida Rothgeb

I grew up w/o grandparents; I guess I missed a LOT!

Cheryl Kuhl-Paine
Cheryl Kuhl-Paine

Too many women and men fear getting old. But aging grants ever new opportunities. I mean, yeah, slowly losing your mobility and physical strength (as will happen with most of us) sucks. But there's so much you can only do when you're an old lady (or old man)!

Amy H
Amy H

At the store the other day I was helping an elderly lady put some petunias and other flowers in the trunk of her car. I commented that she must have a green thumb. She replied, "Honey, I'm 90 years old. My thumbs are RUSTED!"

Tarsha Miller-Mans
Tarsha Miller-Mans

my 93 year-old grandmother, mother of 12 children, has a buffet of prescribed meds that she stores in a little tote bag and takes daily (as people lucky enough to live as long as she has often do). well, i'm in the kitchen one morning and she walks in with her little med bag, sighs and says, "time to take my birth control." i was so tickled i nearly fell out of my chair. instead, i just looked at her sideways and asked, "a little late, aren't you, granny?"

Brittany E. Garrigus
Brittany E. Garrigus

Alyosha: No offense to your grandmother, but she seems extremely bitter and mean spirited! I'm so sorry she said those horrible things to you :(.

Mary Grace Nightly
Mary Grace Nightly

When I was younger I recall my grandpa saying this one quite often. :After Passing Gas: ''Uh oh, ya hear that? I dun stepped on a barkin' spider!''

JeanetteSmithLamb
JeanetteSmithLamb

My mother used to have this little ditty that she would sing, "Them okie boys, them okie boys, them dirty sons a bitches, they wipe their a*s with broken glass and laugh because it itches."  She was a good Mormon too, go figure haha.

The Dane
The Dane

My Grandma doesn't have a whole lot of room where she lives so when I asked her where the napkins were, she looked at me as if I was crazy; "Why, in the oven, of course! Where else would you expect them to be?"

Alyosha Violet
Alyosha Violet

My granny: "I hope you're not going to wear THAT much make up to your wedding" "oh, autistic kids are just naughty kids" when talking to my granny-in-law who was saying how lovely it all was at my wedding "huh, if it lasts" my pregnancy "most people lose their first" After pushing me to tears with the usual comments "well you're very thin skinned aren't you!"

Irene Hunt
Irene Hunt

I have heard some of these by older people. Now that I am one of them, I really try to keep my language clean. Ever so often, tho, I guess I didn't try hard enough!

Daisy Wolff King
Daisy Wolff King

My grandpa used to say "I'd like to buy him for what he worth and sell him for what he thinks he worth"!

twimum
twimum

my grandfather was watching a show called ' farmer wants a wife' here in australia ( dating programme like the bachelor) when the camera went to one of the farmers smiling faces he said " would you look at him! looks like someone sat on his face !" couldnt watch the show after that one!

Bridget Nicole Gentry
Bridget Nicole Gentry

My grandmother wouldn't really have a saying, it was more of a sound. Whenever my grandfather would say something or do something to make her mad she's just say "Geez Franny!" then snort and roll her eyes at the same time. I catch myself doing the same thing. I'd tell you what my other grandmother said that nearly made me fall out of my seat but it's pretty offensively racist. My mother thought my eyes were gonna pop out but gave me the "Don't... say... a... word" look. 

dk
dk

In response to drivers who could not hold one speed my Grandad (and Dad!) say they are "Up and down like a whore's drawers".

Krissssy
Krissssy

My great-grandfather had many.... "she looks like 99 miles of bad road," "couldn't pour pi$$ out of a boot with the directions on the heel...," "get off the table Mabel, the buck is for the beer" (that one would be used if any of the kids were sitting on the table, never understood it until I was older though lol. 

amlykken
amlykken

When I was a baby, my mother and grandmother were standing side by side looking down at me laying in my crib.  My grandma exclaimed to my mom, "Sharon!  She's so cute I could SMACK her!"  Then smacked my mother on her arm.   I love that story.  :)

Krissssy
Krissssy

My grandparents had a camper where the family used to go for reunions.  Once, my cousins and I were out in the tent and we had the giggles...bad.  Everything was funny.  She came out a couple of times and told us to be quiet.  We would for a little bit, then the giggles would start again.  At this point, she was upset because it was late.  She opens the tent door, yells at us that she had "had it up to her ear-balls with us..." she just closed the door and didn't even try to get us to stop laughing after that.

Heather Welsh
Heather Welsh

My 4-year-old son: "Mommy, how are babies made?" Me: "How do you think they are made?" My son: "Well, a mommy and a daddy meet. Then they get married. Then they dance. After they dance, they give each other a high five. 100 days later a baby is born from the mommy. The mommy has the baby because the mommy has a uterus."

Taryn Brenner
Taryn Brenner

My now ex-husband and I went to visit a friend who lived with his grandma. We hadn't see him or her in a few years. Well, he had gained a large amount of weight soi grandma didn't recognize him until she saw me. The first thing out her mouth once she realized who he was was was "Patrick, boy, you got really FAT!" I love old people because they say it how they see it.

Jennifer Capobianco
Jennifer Capobianco

I brought my future ex husband over to moms for dinner for the holidays for the first time....my then 80ish grandma looked at him and said "is that my Christmas present???" And chuckled...we were hysterical laughing.

R Denise Clardy-Sawyer
R Denise Clardy-Sawyer

No Dan, I am still laughing about your "Sticky" article...you know the one topic and action that makes you go dry heave! lmbo

Ashley Sammann
Ashley Sammann

Hahaha love it. When working in a nursing home I came to visit one of my residents. I said, "How've you been? I haven't seen you for awhile and have been thinking about you." He replied, "Well you don't have any wrinkles." I looked at him and said, "Well you don't really have any either." (He really didn't.) He quickly replied, "That's because they're all on my butt!" I think that will forever be my favorite funny :-)

Amanda James
Amanda James

I tried so hard not to laugh very loud, it didn't work! This was hilarious!!!!

ShereeDutton
ShereeDutton

Here's another one, "Here I sit so broken hearted, payed anickel and only farted".  Well  now look you guys got me started, lol.

Kcee
Kcee

First time I met my (now ex) husband's great grandfather he was in his 90s.  He offered me "two-bits" if I'd go into the back bedroom with him for half an hour.  His wife was sitting right next to him and just rolled her eyes.  I was about 18 at the time and totally flabbergasted. 

ShereeDutton
ShereeDutton

Ohhh I can think of so many, I had the craziest grandparents!  Once when I went out on a date with my boyfriend, my grandma warned me  not to go parking with him.  She said " you know what can happen..:"  I said, "what, grandma?"  She replied," Johnny jump up!"  I was like, "Grandma!"  She said, "well grandma's know about those things too you know."  What  makes it even funnier is that my grandma was a missionary.

My grandpa was always saying funny things like "your legs are so long, they run all the way to your @ss".  And if you were naughty you  would get a stick with a turd on it.  Or one of his favorites was "go play on the freeway".

HollyMetzger
HollyMetzger

My all time FAVORITE is from my own Grandma. As we were getting up to leave the restaurant she exclaimed "I'm so stuffed, just put me on one of those things *makes twirling motion* and spin me." Referring, of course, to huge roasters. I almost died laughing so hard. :) And she's also one for saying "We're off! Like a big heard of turtles" and then, upon returning home "home again home again jiggity jig." She's hilarious!!!!

Sojogirl29
Sojogirl29

My 90 year old Italian mother is always trying to force second and third helpings at meals. No sooner are the dishes cleared, then dessert come out and she's trying to make you eat cake, cookies, cannolis, ice cream......you name it. One time, my husband said he couldn't eat another bite as he was too full from dinner. To that my mother replied, quite indignantly, "What do you mean you're not hungry? You don't have to be hungry to eat dessert!" My husband had a piece of cake. :)

Ashley
Ashley

My mom called my grandma one day and MY GRANDMA asked her if she had been watching the Detroit Auto Show on TV. My mom replied no why? My grandma responded "well I hear it's getting really bad this year, they're even having barenaked ladies there!" (Apparently the band was visiting.)

DawnGrib
DawnGrib

 @ShereeDutton My dad's version of that was "Here I sit, all broken-hearted / tried to sh** and only farted."

 

TaraBates
TaraBates

 @DawnGrib And the finish for that is: "Gave myself just one last chance / Then stood up and sh** my pants!"