All right, I’m back and feeling great! Now to start putting together new posts. 🙂

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another installment of “Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!”

Once upon a time, I asked my Facebook followers to share the funniest thing they’d ever heard an old person say. These posts are a compilation of those responses. As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color.” Like I said last time, if that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.

  • “Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.”
  • “I’m so angry I could spit.”
  • Any time I asked my grandpa if “so and so” was around, he replied, “She’s so round you wouldn’t believe it!”
  • “Never start a sentence with ‘Um..’ it makes you sound stupid.”
  • An elderly woman I know, in reference to her daughter finding out the gender of her child: “I get to find out if I’m going to be a grandma or a grandpa!”
  • At a wedding, we were to blow bubbles as the bride and groom walked out of the church. Oma didn’t know what bubbles were or how to work them. So she pulled the cap off of the little bottle & poured the soap out into the air. It all came down on a woman in front of her. Oma smoothly handed the bubbles to my little nephew & walked away.
  • The first and only time I heard my grandmother swear was when I was 5. She was hemming something and poked herself with a needle when she said, “well kick a bucket of sh*t down the stairs that hurt.”
  • After sipping champagne at a wedding my grandpa said, “I wish my dog was here so I could lick her a** and get this taste out of my mouth!”
  • “You are just busier that a fart in a hot skillet!”
  • I asked a 92-year old patient of mine if she would try out a new gadget. Her reply: “I’ll try anything but marijuana!”
  • My 85 year old grandma farted during a family gathering. She made a very disgusted face and asked my dad (her son) “Why would you do that in public?! I’m so ashamed of you!”
  • “In days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren’t invented, they laid their load beside the road and walked away contented.”
  • Once my gramma’s slip was showing . Someone said to her, “Gramma, it’s snowing down south!” She replied, “Just as long as it isn’t raining!”
  • When I was younger, my grandpa used to pass gas and he’d say, “Joo hear that frog? I think I sat on a frog.”
  • “We’re off like a fart in a whirl wind.”
  • If my grandfather saw someone walking with a limp, he had no problem approaching the person and saying, “You know, if you take that rock out of your shoe, you’d probably walk a lot better.”
  • My great aunt decided to throw my son a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. My then 98 year old great grandma told me an hour in that she was “glad she had lived right because this must be exactly what hell is like.”
  • “I’m so broke, if it cost a nickel to sh*t, I’d have to throw up.”
  • We were driving past a cemetery once and my grandma said “I wonder how many dead people there are in there.” My grandpa looked at her and replied “Well, mother, I hope they’re all dead.”
  • At my best friend’s bridal shower, it slipped out in front of her grandmother that she had had premarital sex. Her grandmother promptly noted that my friend would need to wear a black sash over her dress if she dared to wear white. Before she could react, grandma quickly followed, “Don’t worry, none of us are saints. If my grandma had her way, I would have been draped in more black sashes than you could count.”

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say (knowing that I might use it in a future post)?

Also, this morning I published the second installment of My Fantastic Escape. Be sure to check it out!