You know what they say… Kids say the darndest things. As a parent, I am reminded of that daily. Like when Noah this morning said, “Dad, I’m gonna pull the hair out of your butt and make you a taco burrito with it.”
Ummm…
Anyway, in an attempt to feel like a normal parent, I asked you on the SDL Facebook Page what the funniest thing was that you’ve ever heard a kid say. Here are a few of your answers.
- I asked my cousin how her first day of school went when she was 5… “Yeah, it was good. I had fun. but I don’t think I’ll go again. Once was enough.”
- You are so beautiful and furry. Like a goat.
- I was making chili and accidentally opened the wrong kind of beans. My 4 year old asked if he could eat them, since they were the wrong kind, and I said “I don’t care.” He turned to his little sister and said, “I don’t care means ‘yes’ in Spanish.”
- “Fries, please mommy!” at the pharmacy drive thru.
- My 3yr old son admonished my 2yr old daughter during a bath recently for “breaking off her penis” and that she should leave his alone.
- Our preacher told my son he had beautiful big brown eyes like his Mama and my 2 1/2 year old said “Dad says it’s cause I’m full of s***.”
- Pointing at a poster of the solar system: “Mommy, where’s my anus?”
- Walking into Christmas dinner a little late, and the whole extended family was seated, my 2 year old son said very loudly “WHERE IS MY PENIS!??!? WHERE IS IT!??!!? OH THERE IT IS!” and pulled out his pants and diaper, to check to see if it was there.
- “Stop pouting please.” “I’m not, my face is just sad…”
- (Loudly) at a grocery store about a man with a toupee: ”Why is that man wearing a hair hat?”
- While wiping my 6yr old’s butt after he took a crap, he bent over and said “Mommy, do you know my giblets look like a brain?” And without skipping a beat, my 8yr old son piped in from the next room “yeah well MY giblets have hair.”
- When explaining to my son that jumping off a bridge just because all of his friends did was a bad idea because it would hurt, he told me no it wouldn’t because he would land on a soft pile of his friends.
- Irritated mom in the bank, picks up squirmy 4 year old and plops him up on the counter next to her. We all hear a double “POP!” Exasperated, the boy says: “Oh great mom, you broke my balls!”– he had ping pong balls in his back pockets.
- I was 8 months pregnant and as my husband was bringing home our other 3 kids he asked my oldest (4 yo) what he thought mommy was doing at home by herself. He said, “Eating everything in the whole house, like always.”
- When I came out as transgender, I told my friend’s 7 year old son that if he had any questions, he was welcome to ask them. Later that day I asked him if he had any questions. He looked very serious and then asked “Have you read the whole Harry Potter series?”
- I used to work for an optical retailer. We sold contacts and glasses, and I mostly dealt with contact lenses. One of my customers asked me if her contacts could be worn in the pool. I answered yes, they could be and she said “That’s good, because I was always afraid to go underwater with my old ones.” her son, about 6 or 7 years old, pipes up and says “Mommy, you always said it was because you didn’t want to f*** up your makeup!”
- My 3 year old was meeting her baby cousin for the first time. She told us all (grandparents and priest included), “I know my baby cousin is a boy because he has a penis. I know I am a girl because I have an enchilada.”
If you laughed today, share that laughter everywhere you can share it. Like on Facebook or with your mother-in-law or with the lady doing your nails!
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. What is the funniest thing you’ve heard a child say, and what was your favorite from today’s list?
PPS. Should we make a series out of this? You supplied me with several posts worth!
Yes well, kids aren't always saying cute things. My almost-7 year old nephew recently informed his mother (my sister) that she "didn't deserve to be his mom." Apparently my nephew thinks he's God's gift to man...
Over a year ago he also informed her, after she got a pixie cut, that she "looked like a boy, and it looked like a boy had married a boy." He was so angry with her that he didn't speak to her for the rest of the day.
Yup, kids are just DARLING... Funny how no one understands why I don't ever want one. *Raising arms to protect head from the murderous thoughts of countless parents*
When my son was 3 he LOVED the cartoon series "The Backyardigans". Oneof his favorite episodes was one in which they were secret spies. So one day I had just made chocolate chip cookies and I see him on tiptoes, back against the wall, sneaking into the kitchen sideways along the wall to snag one. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm neaking like a pie Mommy!" He meant he was sneaking like a spy to get a cookie! I laughed so hard and then gave him a cookie! LOL!
Another one - when he was younger he couldn't say his r's. So we're in Wal-mart and he sees a shirt with a cartoon character and tells me he wants that "sh*t". Well, he actually yelled it and I looked at him and bust out laughing but a woman who overheard him looked at me with this disgusted look and said "Cursing in children is never cute and it's definitely nothing to laugh about! You should spank him right now for using words like that, especially in public!" That just made laugh harder and she stomped off in a huff! Oh man - was that a great day in Wal-Mart! LOL!
2 days ago I was at work when my husband texted me to relay a conversation he was having with our 5 year old daughter.
Daughter : how do babies get into mommy's tummy? Do they use seeds or something?
Hubby: .....kind of....
Daughter: no, seeds are for flowers and i'm not a flower
(at this point he texts me this and I tell him to tell her she is a beautiful flower)
Daughter: i dont have petals, I don't start with a seed, I'm not a flower.
(Me: oh dear. Hubby: well you can't fault her logic. Me: true, just don't tell her anything about eggs or she'll say she's not a chicken)
So of course he does just that.
Daughter: I'm not a real chicken. chickens lay eggs and I don't have eggs in my butt. Chickens don't have butt cheeks.
.........oooookay.........
I really hope you make this a series, because I have an endless supply to help fuel this! I can't believe I missed the first go round, but I'll add a couple anyway..
My four year old was in getting and ultra sound because they were looking for one of his testicles (yeah..) and I was there with his baby sister in the stroller waiting while he blurts out to the ultrasound tech.."My little sister doesn't have a pee pee, but she has two butts. A normal butt and a tiny front-butt. She is so weird." The tech and I were laughing so hard.
Another time (same kid) I caught coming out of the storage room and this is our conversation as follows, "What were you doing in that room?" ...."...what room..?" "The storage room, the door you just came out of.." "What door, no I didn't" ...."....that door, I saw you come out and close it." *long pause* "...Well that changes things..."
My daughter (two at the time) had overheard her Aunt on the phone talking to a friend about bible study (which they thought should be at her Aunt's place because that would be "easier" *not btw way more stressful*) Charlee: " Auntie, why do you go into your closet and drink for bible study?" Another one: my fiancée was gassing up the car at a 7/11. My daughter very excitedly said "Mom Auntie and I come here for slushies! And we have who-haahs!!!"
Okay so this is all from my 3 year old daughter. (while having a total meltdown in the car) "STOP THE DAMN CAR!!!" "Auntie, I'm going to put lots of water on you. I'll water you so you grow bigger." Charlee: " I love you." Auntie: " I love you bigger." Charlee: "I love you smaller! Cuz you're short! Get it?! Ha!" "I'm going to take my shirt off and make a man out of you!" (in reference to the Disney movie Mulan (the guy takes his shirt off to train the soldiers))
This one's my favorite: When explaining to my son that jumping off a bridge just because all of his friends did was a bad idea because it would hurt, he told me no it wouldn’t because he would land on a soft pile of his friends.
My kids' friends use the word "fart", but I have always used the word "toot" around my kids, because some people think the word "fart" is offensive... So, my 6 and 8 year old boys have started saying "fart" occasionally, and I have clarified that, although "fart" is not a bad word, some people find "toot" less offensive. Anyway, so when my 3 year old passed gas, she giggled and said, "Mom, I foooo-ted!!!
tghey always say "out of the mouths of babes"lol
4 year old daughter - "dad, it's ok if I call you a poop-head cuz you know I love you"
I still get tickled over the time I sent my husband to tuck in my son, and later found them both dozing in my son's twin bed. I climbed in on top and hugged them both, and said, "What the heck is going on in here?". My son replied, without hesitation, "Three's a crowd, but five's a party!"
One week, my grandmother was staying over my house. I'm not religious, but she is so she was trying to teach my three year old to pray. She had him singing a prayer song in bed and the next thing I knew, he broke out into a song of his own, "Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, we're on our way!!!" My grandmother got really annoyed with me when I burst out laughing and couldn't stop.
MiasDad
Funniest thing my daughter said - She called her private girl part her "bunny". When she came in the bathroom while I was standing and using the toilet, she went back to her mom and said, "Daddy's bunny has a tail."
We were driving along one day, and my youngest (probably 3 at the time) started crying. Of course we asked what's wrong, and the response was... unexpected. "Annie pissed in my ear!" (Annie being his older sister, she'd have been 12 or so). Naturally this produced all manner of shock, not to mention bewilderment of how (or WHY) she would manage to do that in a moving car. Annie of course denied it, so we asked him to explain. "Yes she did! She got right up next to my ear and went 'PSSSSSSST'!"
My brother, who is an adult now (sort of) almost got murdered when his Mom told him to pick up his toys, and he responded "No, I don't. That's what you're here for."
Okay, I've got one. Our son, who is four, just recently became proficient with the DVD player and sometimes is able to quietly get up before anyone else in the morning and put on his own entertainment. Good or bad, he loves watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This morning we awoke to our son explaining to us at the bedside "on Christmas sometimes people give presents to each other and then one of the presents went 'wrrrreeeeerrrr' when you shake it and then he said 'She wrapped up her damn cat!'!" He was describing the scene where Aunt Bethany arrives at the Griswald home, they have brought presents and, yes, one of them was their damned cat.
Just a little while ago, my 5 yo daughter asked my husband, 'Do I have to go to school Monday? It's Mario Day!
I was standing at bathroom sink one day, getting ready for work. My son walked over and placed his hands on my butt, one on each cheek. Rubbing lovingly, he said with a 4 year old's seriousness, "I LOVE your butt Mommy, it's SO big and squishy!"
I was babysitting for a friend. Her 3 year old daughter looked up at me from playing and asked "Where is your bed?" I told her it was at my "house" even though I live in an apartment. She said "Oh. Is your mommy there?" I replied "I don't live with my mommy anymore." Her next question: "Why? Is she mad at you?" I had to try to stop laughing before I could explain that grown-ups don't have to live with their parents.
Do a series! These are PRICELESS!
I had always taught my boys to say "Excuse me" when they passed gas...when my youngest son was about 3 he let out a whopper I turned to him and exasperatedly said " Evan! What do you say?" He looks at me completely innocent and answers "I farted?" Had to quickly walk away and go laugh in the next room.
"you're the ham in my tuna sandwich" Not sure what it meant but it was very special.
Lol, thanks now i feel “normal“ too with my crazy three year old who yesterday told me “Here is my foot, he has come to meet you, his name is Superman. Here is my other foot, he would like to meet you too, his name is The Green Latern. They are friends with Spiderman Hand and Batman hand. They are the Justice Slugs!“ Hooookay then!
My 3 year old daughter had gas. Apparently she had "a small case of the runs". We heard her wet fart from across the room. Startled, my husband and I looked at her with wide eyes, wondering how such a terrible noise could come from such a little dainty girl. She made eye contact with us instantly, shook her head and said, "Never trust a fart".
My cousin's adorable little 3 (I think she's three) year old was jumping on the bed. She got tired of it, and fell down onto the bed and said "I just died. I need to recharge my batteries"
One of my preschool students went home and told his mom, "Miss Rebecca said, Cain and Abel recycled a lamb" Then there was the time that one of my pre-kindergarten students, ran across the play ground excitedly yelling "Tire Fuck, Tire Fuck, Tire Fuck!!!; as the fire engine went past the school.
Kids are great! I'm in college studying elementary education and have spent many summers as a camp counselor and work with kids during the school year as well. I actually keep a list of (some) of the hilarious things I have heard kids say, because I know I will forget them right away. Some of them: Camper was unhappy with burnt grilled cheese sandwich his dad packed him for lunch. I told him that his dad made the sandwich with love. Camper: No, he made it with burnt. In the locker room changing for swimming at day camp: Camper: Why are there barf bags in the stalls? (I explained that they were trash bags…) Child walked in the door and immediately spilled glitter all of the floor. 8-year-old: I have only been here a minute and we have already had an incident! trying to get the vacuum cleaner to turn on: me: Is this thing battery powered? kids (ages 6 & 8): Ya, you just have to plug it in! after finding out that I was alive for the new millennium and for 9/11: 8-year-old: Were you alive for the Titanic, too? At the zoo by a special exhibit displaying real animal fur: Woman nearby: You can touch animal fur! 7-year-old: Did you hear that? You can touch animal turd! After walking around the zoo for about an hour: 7-year-old: Whew! That was quite a long journey! After making a smashed penny at the zoo: 7-year-old: Are these rare? ` I was trying to help a girl who had an upset stomach. Me: How often does this happen? Girl: About once a month. Me: How old are you? Girl: Eight, why? Me: Never mind. While riding in the bus, the GPS on my phone showed that we were heading 270° NW. 7-year-old: Woah, it's 270° outside! 7-year-old explaining how to do the splits correctly: Your private parts are supposed to be touching the floor. 8-year-old looking at the gear shift in my car: You have a joystick car?! 1st grader: My brother is a good dentist 'cause he punched my tooth out. 1st grader about to stomp on Capri Sun pouch: I'm going to see if I turn into an orange! Me: If what you're doing isn't nice, don't do it. (6th grader giggled because I said "do it". I then came back over with another teacher and said something with the phrase "do it" to show her his funny reaction.) Me: You didn't do it, did you? 6th grader: Of course I didn't do it; I'm eleven! 9-year-old on being asked if he was going to text me with the phone he just got: I'm not going to text you. I only text girls I'm going to date and I'm not going to date you. Child was telling me about a girl he likes and then made me promise not to tell. I told him anything he tells me is confidential unless it is about something dangerous. 9-year-old: Pretty girls aren't dangerous! Me: Are you ever going to kiss a girl? 3rd grader 1: Maybe when I'm married. Me: Not before you're married? 3rd grader 1: Well maybe when I'm engaged. 3rd grader 2: What about in high school? 3rd grader 1: Oh ya, well, that's what I meant by engaged. I was frustrated after hearing that a drive was going to take so long. Me: So you're SURE it's going to take 45 minutes? other adult: (jokingly sarcastic) I don't know; you could ask an expert... 7-year-old: But we don't know any experts! Me: Do you have a girlfriend? 9-year-old: Sometimes... but I dumped her. 10-year-old: It's not like I would rather scoop cow poop or something. 7-year-old making sure I understood: Do you get me?
When my son had his first sex ed class in 4th grade, he came home and asked me if I knew what a "boner" was. I said yes, why? "Well, I'm worried because I've had one for 3 years." was his reply!! "How do you get rid of a boner, Mom?" Flustered, I replied: "Just think of yucky things like broccoli and cat vomit."
A couple of years later, he wanted to know if his dad and I had sex to have him. I said yes. He turned bright red and went into the living room. Came back a few minutes later and said, "Just the one time, right?" When I said, no, not just one time, he turned red again, visibly shuddered, and ran back into the other room.
just this morning...ME: Don't bite your baby brother. JOSEPHINA, my 2 1/2 year old daughter: I'm not! I am just chewing on him!!..haha hard to keep a straight face with a response liek that. Love my quick kiddos:o)
These are great! I have two to share... While we were driving, I asked my husband "how do you get a 'Pit Bull' dog?" " I don't mean I want one. I mean, what makes them a pit bull and not just a regular bull dog?" Before he could answer, our 6yr old daughter answers from the back seat "Well first it's a cucumber. Then you fry it." ;) she heard "pickle" instead of "pit bull". And one day we were sitting at Chicken Express having dinner and my 6yr old daughter asks me "Momma, why won't you try chicken with ketchup?" I answer "I have tried chicken with ketchup. I don't like it." then she tells me "There's something wrong with your ketchup taster." ;)
when my now 13 year old son was only 6 and in the first grade the teacher was having a hard day with the children not being good.. she had them all put their heads on the table and my son walked up and said "Miss I bet on days like this you wish you could just say "screw it"" she replied "oh no hun I love my job" to which he said "yeah but, I bet you think it don't you"
In Walgreens one night I called Jonah over to smell a body spray....it was coconut. Jonah: that smells yummy, like a piña colada Me: I know....right!!! Me: wait, how do you know what a piña colada smells like?!?!?!?! Jonah: mom, I've been caught in the rain! (omg. My 10 yr old is witty and super quick!! He is always "on")
My favorite (and one I could totally see my son saying) - "When explaining to my son that jumping off a bridge just because all of his friends did was a bad idea because it would hurt, he told me no it wouldn’t because he would land on a soft pile of his friends."
A student ran up and informed me one day while holding his hand over his nose, "I sneezed, it expoded."
Jonah, my 10 yr old recently asked a waitress for a dictionary when she asked if we needed anything else. She said, "no, we don't have any of those around here." Jonah raises a brow and flexes his muscles and replies, "well you're gonna need one for these definitions right here!" I laughed so hard...the waitress loved him and had to tell the cooks!!
These are so worth reading!
These are so worth reading!
A student ran up and informed me one day while holding his hand over his nose, "I sneezed, it expoded."
I curled my 6 year holds hair for dance recital and she was in a crabby mood and said "ugh mom, people are gonna call me Irish!" I asked her why Irish and she said "I don't know but its not a good thing!!" Wtf?!
I curled my 6 year holds hair for dance recital and she was in a crabby mood and said "ugh mom, people are gonna call me Irish!" I asked her why Irish and she said "I don't know but its not a good thing!!" Wtf?!
Oh.... And I should mention - She's three.
Oh.... And I should mention - She's three.
Series!!!!
My parents say that when I was three I saw some nuns for the first time and said, "Look, Mommy! Witches!"
I refer to my ex as 'numb nuts' and Shey just said 'is that why you're never happy in the morning?' I finally told her her I was referring...she's two.
Love it!
Pretty sure these just keep getting funnier and funnier. I love the one about the soft pile of friends to land on.
Beautiful.
<3 the kid who asked the Very Important Question of whether the trangendered person has read the Harry Potter books