A couple days into my blogging break, Samantha and I decided to take a little hike together. We went into the hills behind my home and thought we’d be doing nothing more than enjoying some sunshine, laughing, walking, and sweating a few of life’s frustrations out together.
What we got was an adventure with Bigfoot.
It all started when we found this in the trail…
Now, I’m no biologist, archeologist, or anythingist, but that to me looks like a big ol’ giant footprint from something big ol’ and giant.
The print itself was about fifteen or sixteen inches long. That’s even longer than my size 14 clodhoppers. Whoever left this, was bigger than me. And I’m a big dude.
And, whoever left this, was out walking in the mud with bare feet. Basic deductive reasoning tells me that no six foot eight guy would ever do that. It just wouldn’t make sense.
Which brought us to one obvious conclusion. Noah and I are neighbors with a Bigfoot.
We found another footprint, this one less defined, about five feet ahead. Then another. Then another. Whatever it was had a large running stride.
Then we found this, which we could only assume was Bigfoot urine. I mean, what else could it be?
This of course made us curious. And a little scared. And a little excited. And a little adventurous. So we started looking for more signs of the big humanesque ape.
Our next clue was this. Could it be Bigfoot’s napping meadow?
Next we found the scene of Bigfoot’s binger. I’d heard of lawn chairs and beer going missing in our neighborhood. We all thought it was punk seven-year olds. But now I know better. Bigfoot likes his booze.
Then we found two lady bugs humping. I’m still trying to figure out what that has to do with Bigfoot, but I’m sure it means something.
Then, things started getting weirder.
We found a giant hand shaped print.
And a big claw mark.
Our speculation was that Bigfoot and a mountain lion were brawling. Or playing beer pong. It was hard to tell with the prints being a couple hundred feet from each other.
And if you think we’re crazy, think again. We weren’t the only ones on Bigfoot’s trail that day.
I never considered paintball guns to be effective weapons against terrifying mammals, but yeah, why not. I can see how they’d work.
We saw him
It’s hard to tell a Bigfoot’s sex from such a distance.
What, you can’t see him (or her) in that picture? Here, let me point the harry beast out to you.
And then I’ll just zoom in a little bit…
And a little more…
There you are ya big monkey man, you.
Yep. We found Bigfoot.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. We didn’t really find Bigfoot. So don’t go call the Bigfoot Hunters or anything.
PPS. We wish we really found Bigfoot.
PPPS. We did really find those giant footprints.
PPPPS. We did really find those two lady bugs humping.
PPPPPS. Admit that you’re just a *little* bit jealous that I live in such a pretty place.