Dating, Being Fat, and Being Honest

Thank you for Posting Heather. You just helped me start my day off in a better way. Being Fat is not the Issue.... Being Shallow is. Men that only limit themselves to "thin" women are not even worthy of giving them a chance to get to know us Fat Women. I was involved in just a sexual relationship, and the "good sex" does end quickly.... then what are you left with?? the Mind.... and if they are shallow enough to not want to go out with us Bigger Lovlies, then their minds are not very big or interesting.... they are probably all about Themselves and your world, no matter thin or not, would not matter to them in the long run. Let them find that perfect model type.... and just find it in your heart to Pray for her that she has loads of friends and family for fun, cause he will not be very stimulating to be around after the sex and physical attraction passes by.  I had a really bad couple days with a guy I have been dating and he just left me for me gorgeous girl, great body and I felt really fat and ugly yesterday lol...... your post made me feel better. Thanks :)

I am fat and single, I try and always rep myself honestly.  I was in long term relationships since 15 and thought nothing about it until, I am now recently single so I went on dating websites for about 2 weeks about a month ago and got 2,000 hits in a week, I have a pretty face, but not so good on the body, so I did rapid dating to just get this thing started. Wow, loads of men were not honest when I met with them? I canceled my profile before the month was up, I have more than enough to be happy with in my life, if the right person comes along so be it.  Anyway, it is hard to be so overweight and date, I have been fat all my life & 49yrs old female.  I think we all want to be accepted by others, you cut your hair or pick out your cloths based on what you think you were told on conforming to acceptable.  Anyway, women and men are not honest even with themselfs when it comes to living, let alone dating.  

I think you handled the situation with a great deal of what some people have none of... and that would be "Grace". You were surprised and lied to and still followed through with the date. I am one that is considered to be Fat. I grew up as a chubby cute kid and turned into a beautiful voluptuous woman. I am very active and dancing is one of my addictions. I have never tried to "trick" someone on a date site with being "thin" I have always been upfront and open with my size. Not that it is part of my 1st conversation, I mean afterall, I am not shallow and would never judge someone on their "shell" without getting to know the man I was talking to before making any decisions on if i would go out with him or not. And I expect the same chance when talking to a man.... if he is just after the Shell of a person, I really want nothing to do with him.  What attracts me is more of a "mind" connection than anything. As everyone knows, he can have a gorgeous body and hard bootAY, but if he has nothing interesting to discuss in an hour at dinner, I really have no attraction to him.

Now on a different level, I would like your advise to to how I should handle a current "pickle" I am in. I met a man on a dating site a few months ago. He is rather thin, but not in shape by any means. Our minds work very well together and my attraction to him is ridiculous. We have been extremely close and involved for these past few months. He asked me to move in with him. He has always been sexually forward with me and is attracted to me just as much as I am with him. ( so his actions say and he says ).... but recently, I was told by a friend of his that he said I was too "BIG" and he was NOT attracted to me, and that he was on another Dating Site I knew nothing about. I checked that dating site and did find him listed on there and his activity was recent.  I confronted him on his friends claims. He claims and admits he is on that dating site but removed himself the minute I brought it up to his attention... ( he did remove his profile immediately ) but he says he is indeed attracted to me and wants to make a life with me. I believe the Friend when it comes to both claims... I believe he told the friend i was too fat for him.. But i also believe and heard in his voice how sincere he is about wanting to be with me and have me in his life. 

I think I might be the first Fat woman he has fallen in love with, but i believe he still has his "shalllow" man side in him too, but he is trying to fight those shallow feelings off and grow as a person. 

My question to you is... do you think I should walk away and just be done with a man that has talked behind my back about me in a negative way? Or should I take his sincerity and forgive him for his shallow ways and give him a shot at showing me he loves me past my shell enough to make a go of this relationship?

I am 40+ years old, I am a very confident person and have no issues with who I am ~ I would like to lose some weight, but I also color my hair .... doesnt mean I am unhappy with myself as a Whole. 

I have great morals, I am honest, a hard worker, a fun loving person that always sees the glass as half full. I look at everyday as a new day to find something fun to learn or make a memory with. 

I do not want to be "played" and waste any of my valuable time on this earth... but him and I have so many plans for this Spring and Summer.... we are both so excited, but will I have to worry he will be cringing when I am in my bathing suit ? or should I just believe him at face value and trust he is attracted to me?

very interesting.  while i agree with some and disagree with other parts of your post, in my opinion thats not the point.  the point is we are so busy making sure we dont upset people we refuse to be honest.  i think a man should be able to say, i am not attracted to overweight or bigger girls.  i think anyone should be able to openly say what they do and do not find physically attractive.  after all, youre not passing judgement on their character, youre just physically drawn to someone or youre not.  we all have certain things, i love a guy whos tall........so when i say i dont date any guys under six foot am i hating on shorter guys? no.  when i say i dont want to date skinny guys, its just my personal preference.  i know a guy who will only date blondes, he dosent find darker haired girls attractive.  as someone who is less than thin and fit but not yet fat, i think its bullshit that anyones calling u out on this.  its kind of the majority rule that the more overweight you are the less people are going to find you attractive.  some people like bigger, heavier, etc so go find people who find you attractive......... silliness i say.

I dont think you should feel bad at all for not wanting to give this woman a second chance.  I look at it like this:  you are advertising a version of you when you date online.  If that person mis-represents themselves from the get-go, why should you think they would be anything but dishonest in all other areas of their lives?  I feel that all should update pics at least every 6 months. Honesty.  represent what you are fully.  If not, that is a lie...why would anyone thing a liar would change if that is all they know?  First impressions are the major first hurdle.  if the first impression is "you've lied" then I would not expect the "person who was lied to" to go any further.   i have gained about 30 lbs (probably about 15 over where I should be). I "get" that people may not like their current appearance...I definitely don't.  But to not be honest about your appearance is just shady, IMHO.    I will never understand why people think not being honest about appearance is at all ok.   if you want someone to overlook your appearance, you should meet people via friends, not online.

Ok, I can't get over the fact that the pic you used looks like she pee'd her pants. Now for the words in the article...eh, I kind of get it and I mostly agree with it. I don't disagree enough to put up a well thought out comment. How's that?

Sorry Dan, you are wrong. There is weight based biased, or discrimination, directed at overweight people in society.  If what you state about previously being overweight is true and accurate, you would certainly know how much loathing and disgust is directed toward fat people.

Dan, all I can say is "I love you".  I love you for your honesty and everything you said makes complete sense and made me laugh.  I love myself and I know that I am a good mom, a good person, that I don't care what my friends look like on the outside as long as they love and support me daily, as I do for them, but I am overweight at 41 and ready to slim down.  The image of me on the inside doesn't match the image of me on the outside and I am ready for change.  I lost weight after I divorced and felt the best I had in ages on the outside but I still had work to do on the inside so I went back to college, got a job I loved and accomplished so many personal goals.  STOP.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot how sexy I am and gained weight.  I forgot that I'm not just a Mom or a college student or a bestie w/an ear for listening and encouragement.  I AM WOMAN, hear me roar lol.  Seriously, thank you for reminding me that others see me exactly as I am no matter what I look like on the outside.  Can't believe you are still single and no matter what anyone else says, your sense of humor is refreshing.  Best wishes:). 

I enjoyed and agree with all you said. i am fat and exercise a lot. I swim and exercise in my local YMCA 5-6 days a week for 1-2 hours depending on how much time and energy I have. I gained weight from a medication I was given. I did loose a great deal of the weight but am still fat. My point is that someone can take care of themselves and still be fat. You gave me the impression that you think that if someone is fat they are not taking care of themselves. A person can be taking great care of themselves and still be fat. I have no idea whether I will continue to loose. And if I don't, am I relegated to a group who don't take care of themselves? Another thing is that loosing (or gaining) weight is very different for women and men and there are a myriad of reasons for weight gain other than not taking are of oneself. Again, very intelligent discussion and agree about being honest.

Perfectly said.  I especially agree that if one cannot represent onself honestly, the issues run deep - fear and self-loathing do none of us any favors!  Before I met my partner, I had coffee with a few others, one of which was older than he stated; another worked out much less than he claimed; and the third was honest, although not a fit for me.  Be true to yourself and honest with others and, even if none of us ever finds that life-partner, we'll at least be able to live with ourselves "happily ever after."

Love your posts until I read this one.  Sorry but being fat as a guy is NOT the same as being fat as a girl.  Its way more accepted for a guy to be fat than it is a girl.  I do believe most people hate fat people (just read the comments left here).  You have been blessed with loving family and friends--many others aren't so lucky.  Its been proven time and time again that fat people are subjected to massive and somehow acceptable discrimination.  People that thin are treated with MUCH more respect than obese people.  If you truly wanted to know someone for who they are, you wouldn't need to see a picture.  And lastly, you need to educate yourself a bit.  Not all people are fat because they make poor decisions and don't care of their bodies.  There are people like myself who are disabled and no longer can work out 3 hours a day as I did in the past because my muscles are dying.  There are people who are on loads of medications who make them gain ridiculous amounts of weight.  Obese people are left dealing with the ignorant assumptions of others and hoping that someday someone will accept them for who they are however unlikely that may be in this society. 

In the past, I was only a little overweight. I have also "met" lots of guys through working in jobs that require phone conversations.  After meeting a couple guys and seeing a look of disappointment in the eyes when you weren't what they pictured, I can't imagine why you would want to misrepresent yourself.  I'd rather let someone know the truth upfront and let them move on. I don't agree to a date unless a guy already knows what I look like since it seems to matter to them so much.  Why sit through an awkward encounter knowing the person sitting across from you can't wait to get away from you, when you could have had fun with your friends and loved ones?

I'm fat but have lost a little over 100 lbs in the past 10 years (yes, it took a long time, but it's gone now). I need to lose about another 50.  I'm also 50. I am in a long term relationship but may have to start dating again, because my dear SO just has too many issues that he can't overcome, and I am sure he would not blame me if I move on...but I don't know if I can. That being said...I worry about getting no dates (probably won't) despite the fact that I am actually pretty fabulous and interesting and fun,; I have an intriguing career, varied interests, and will try almost anything if I can physically do it. The thing is -- should I care that no one wants to date me? I'm tremendously picky and would probably not like the guys anyway.Yet I am terrified of rejection by these guys -- because I'm fat. Even though I don't want to even meet them,I want them to want to meet me.  Yuck. It all sucks.

Telling my story wasnt meant to shame you or any other woman...If you take it that way, then you are personalizing my experience and reading it as something its not...In fact, I wasnt even thinking of shaming or besting anyone.....You think me that calculating?..I think this is why women cant support each other...They are too triggered by their own emotional baggage to really listen to whats being said by other women  and  dont realize that has nothing to do with them.......I was intent on telling my story and experience....Im sorry that yet again, another woman misunderstands and misinterprets what was said....Sigh.

You hint upon a very important point:...We as a nation get our beliefs and ideals about what is considered "fat" for women  from politicians, parents, teachers, television and society in general....Of course that definition never applies to men, who can look as sloppy and fat as they like without censorship.....If you look at the definition of "fat" in other countries, its is often vastly different from our own...The ideal woman in American society resembles that of a 16 yr old girl.....Thin, no hips, no curves...Anywhere,,,... A boyish, almost childlike figure.......Its pretty pathetic...There is no maturity about her physically..Emotionally...That mimics the distrust our society has about mature women, physically, psychologically, spiritually...Men are indoctrinated into thinking this is the ideal and thus they are dissapointed and then judge when presented with a woman peer who doesnt fit their  physical image of an ideal woman....When I was 25 and single, men wanted someone who was 18..When I was 30 and single , men my age wanted someone who was 25.....When I was 40, they wanted someone who was 30, yada yada ..The bias and indoctrination was so absurd, they couldnt even see me as a person but a trophy whom they based  upon how well I looked beside them...So I remained single under this pathological dating culture until I met a man who had been raised outside the US and thus didnt have the baggage US men get from the junk culture about women....He saw me as a person and valued my womanly curves, much in the way European men value it in women...He has been my husband for 5 years.....When I went to Europe, I cant tell you how many European men made passes at my size 12 curvy figure....What an eye opener!!...That NEVER happened in the US because  men my own age  saw me as "fat"....American men have got to grow up and  get over their sick obsession with thin anorextic women who are half their age...You men pass up alot of jewels that way then wonder why you are still single or divorced from your teeny tiny woman....Learn from your European brothers who dont grow up with this obsession...You say you want a peer, an intelligent woman who is your equal, someone you can learn from...But very few can really live with that....They cant handle the truth.

I agree with you perhaps the world doesn't hate fat people. What can be really frustrating, however, are the assumptions people make about fat people. I'm a short, large-boned (and no, I'm not using that as a euphemism for fat, although I am that too), busty woman who also currently wears a size 16/18. I have the "fat genes" and PCOS which makes it very difficult for me to lose weight. I have had strangers assume I must make a lot of poor choices. What they don't know is if I "let myself go" in the way they seem to think I must, I would be very, very large. I work hard to look this bad. ;) I was visiting someone and she walked in on me doing the calisthenic routine I'd been doing for over a year and she patronizingly asked me if I was trying to get in shape. Recently, a stranger at an event made a rude comment to me about the two plates of food I was carrying. Because I'm larger he assumed I was planning to eat them both instead of realizing one of them was for my child. It seems there's an attitude in our society that if you're fat you must never exercise. Also, if a thin person eats a lot in public they're just "extra hungry" but if a fat person eats a lot in public they must eat even worse than that in private.

I think our society needs to focus more on what people can do to be healthy and focus less on weight, especially those horrible "ideal" weight charts. Before PCOS kicked in, I once got down to my "ideal" weight by dieting stringently and walking 36 miles a week and swimming three hours a week for a year and then stopping almost all exercise. I couldn't lose most of the weight without exercising but I had to stop exercising so I could lose the muscle so I could weigh that little. Looking back at photos, it's strange because I don't look emaciated because I'm not frail and tiny but you can see my bones sticking out. At the time I was eating so little I once ended up passed out on the ground. I was thin but I was NOT healthy. 

Good luck with your dating endevours.  I totally understand where you are, because I have been there.  I dated a lot of men, some honest and many not.  I actually had a really bad experience with a man who wasn't honest about one single thing on his profile.  But 7 years ago, I met an honest, down to earth man and we are married and have a child together.  It can happen and I wish you the best of luck.  Don't give up on your need for honesty.  That is the most important quality in person in the world.

I "misrepresented" myself in a dating situation and it eventually came back to bite me in the ass.  (are we allowed to say "ass" here?!?)   I was asked my age, very early on in an online conversation.  I said that I was 39 (a friend and I always joke about "celebrating the nth anniversary of our 39th birthday") while thinking, "WHY am I being asked my age?".  Totally forgot about that until about three months later into our fully-developed relationship.  He did not take it well, and I don't blame him ... I just really never thought our initial conversation would ever go anywhere.

Straight up Dan, reading todays post I just wanted to hug you! I hate when people misrepresent themselves.  I met a guy online in the past and when he showed up at our meeting place I did not even recognize him.  He came up to me and and I was completely freaked out because i didn't know this guy.  He took off his glasses and suddenly I knew him.  WTH was that!? Not a single picture showed him with his glasses on. NOT ONE!!!!!!   I had no clue! And they altered his appearance a lot!!!! Not okay with that! just show me who you are!!!!

I hear alot of people talk about "chemistry" as if thats some kind of make or break deal and I think it depends on what one means by the word...If its simple physical attractiveness and appearance, then I wouldnt agree thats a dealbreaker nor should it be...Too much is placed on appearance and that eliminates ALOT of good matches out there......I see alot of people turn down propspective dates because someone doesnt look like their ideal from views they formed when they were teenagers..Please grow up .people.....Your baggage is holding you back from finding someone special......Then they complain about how theres no one to date....sigh...Get to know a person FIRST and then decide on the chemistry...This is how your parents met and your grandparents met....I married my husband not because he was perfect physically  upon the first 30 seconds of seeing him but because he had  outstanding qualities and a personality that were precious special and unique...It is THOSE qualities that wlil last in the long run, not someone's physical appearance..

Online dating is really hard even when the people involved represent themselves as their true selves. All my LTR's came out of knowing people for months/years prior and when you are dating online you don't have the luxury of that long of getting to know the person. It is simple- instant chemistry or not. 

".... or whatever other cocktail of awesomeness. " :)

I haven't read the original post, I will when I get a chance!  Married mom, laughing, here!  But I just wanted to share that I met my husband on match dot com.  I had just lost some weight on a terrible liquid diet and I looked good for a slightly obese lady, pretty curvy, nice smile, you get the idea.  But the reason my husband, who by the way had just signed up and I never saw that he was obese until I drove 2 hours to meet him, contacted me was because I showed pictures that were more than just the normal eye catching cleavage shots, which I did not post, by the way!  I posted, along with some full body pics and some with friends out on the town, a picture of myself dressed up in a past Halloween costume.  Imagine if you will, a gal with overall's on, a torn white t-shirt, rotted skin look complete with green mold and fleshly gouges, blood, and rice for maggots, my hair in a ponytail and a cute little ball cap to top it off!  Proud moment as a thespian here!  I was a farm-accident victim!  He just had to meet that girl because I portrayed, with my pictures carefully selected, a story of a vivacious young woman who was looking for a relationship with a man who could accept all aspects of my multi-faceted personality!  I was honest to a tee and I am glad I was.  So some advice for online daters, show pictures of yourself in all kinds of places and situations, barring the x-rated of course!  Include the morning picture, the "sexy picture", the "I just ran a marathon and I am sweaty" picture, some with friends, some with you playing in a pile of leaves or on vacation.  But definitely leave out pictures of toenails, unless they are perfect, LOL!  That can be left for later when the person likes you too much to care about your jacked-up toes!

Okay, I know this is cheesy, but...'like' this post if you would date Dan!

Or, if you don't want to 'like', write a pithy reply to this post.

I am an overweight woman, but I completely agreed with everything you said in that post and in this one. I always am honest when it comes to dating websites, and I too want more second and third dates then first ones. I understand why she did what she did, but that doesn't make it right. Just as I understand why you did what you did, and you also made the best decision for you, which is something we all must do!!! So keep on being real Dan and eventually you will find a real person to be with... I sure as crap wished I lived in Utah!!!

Honesty is always best, especially for first impressions. I would not want to go out with a man who started out our relationship with a lie. I've already dealt with too many liars in my life, why the hell would I want to make that mistake again. It's not about the weight, it's about having integrity. I would have done the same thing and I appreciate your honesty in all your posts.

@Summer  You seriously misunderstood what I wrote.  Being overweight is not the issue.  I do not hate fat people. I hate lazy people.  Gaining weight is just ONE consequence of laziness and making excuses, but I know full well that that is not the ONLY cause of weight gain.  If you cannot understand what I wrote without assuming (yes, you attacked assumptions and then made your own) that I have a hatred towards fat people (I don't) then you are part of the problem with society.  I did not write what I felt, I wrote what I SEE in the world, in the people around me.  

As for myself, I am fat.  I am fat because I have a pain disorder that caused me to quit my job (a labor-intensive occupation), go on meds, and stay inactive for long periods of time. I am well aware that I gained weight because I ate more than I burned.  I made excuses and I was too lazy to work off the weight.  That actually made my condition WORSE, as I found out that not moving and gaining weight caused me to be in more pain.  I don't hate people who are lazy and make excuses, because I understand where they are coming from.  

But the rest of society?  People like you who made a snap judgment on ME because of one comment on a blog?  That's what is wrong with society.  Not Dan's post.  Dan did not fuel the hatred. Dan shared how HE felt, and not only does he have the right to do so, but he wasn't morally wrong in saying that it is wrong to lie to people you want to meet simply to impress them or to "test" them because you have issues trusting that people will accept you for who you are.   Dan can't control the way people react to his blog, but YOU can control how you react to it, and how you react to other comments.  

In my own personal experience, I have not once met a person who hated fat people simply because they are fat.  I come from a family where several members are obese.  I know there are many reasons for a person to be overweight.  But people who are hated are the ones who complain but then do NOTHING to improve.  Those who are working for change often don't complain about their situation.  They celebrate their successes or are accepting of who they are.   Society as a whole does NOT hate fat people, but it does feed off the narrow-mindless grazing herd mentality that so many rude people have exhibited here. 

I really have no opinion of how Dan handles his dating life. I just like to read about it! I see no reason to lie about myself anymore. When i did lie about myself, it was because I was afraid of who I really was and thought I'd be rejected for it. As everyone has said, this woman's behavior is understandable. And so is Dan's. None of us should ever have to apologize for how we feel, unless we choose to express those feelings in a rude or disrespectful way. Which brings me to my next point. To those who have mentioned the "grossness" of obesity, I venture that you have limited knowledge on the subject. And those who apologize for having harsh words because they're "just being honest," there is still a thing called 'manners.' Please find some. Those attitudes perpetuate the problem, you're not adding to the solution.

What the people who tell these "little lies" of misrepresntation don't seem to understand is that they may know it's the only thing they're being dishonest about, but the person who discovers the lie has no way of knowing that. The first question you ask yourself when you discover the truth is, "I wonder what else they're lying about?" Because the only thing you know for sure, is that they are comfortable lying.

Great responses! As a 32 y/o woman who has struggled with being fat, but married 10 years now, I see myself as attractive and lovable because I do not go to the gym or eat healthy for anyone but myself. I know, how can I sit here and say I'm fat and healthy at the same time? It happens! I've never had high bp, high sugar, high cholesterol, none of that. Not even when I got pregnant and gained an extra 20 pounds. It can happen, so please don't think that just because someone is fat that they are not healthy or don't eat healthy. I have high self esteem because the first rule in love is to love yourself no matter what. That shines through more than physical appearance. I met my husband online. He knew exactly what I looked like and we talked online for a week before we met. I was skeptical because I was new to the online dating scene. I was only 20, as well, so I wasn't sure if the men that had emailed me were only in it for booty (let's face it, most guys, not directing this at you, see an overweight girl as an easy target to get laid quickly because they think these women are so lonely they will easily give it up). I can say that I had a few friends that were quite a bit more overweight than I was at that time (5'4" 185 is what I weighed then) and they slept around a lot. It made them feel better about themselves because they continually equated sex to love. Anyhow, I finally decided to meet the guy that I would eventually marry. We had a great first date. He was honest about everything, and I was honest about everything, both from the start. Honesty is the most important thing a person can offer their boyfriend/girlfriend. How can you see a future with that person if they aren't honest about themselves? What else could they be hiding? Reading your blogs, I could not gather that you are the type of person to just completely shun a woman because she has some extra pounds on her. You seem to be too much of a caring person who has love unconditionally for your friends and family. She didn't deserve a second date with you. I'm a firm believer that when someone lies, or as you said tricks you into a date/doing something with/for them by lying, they don't deserve the attention they so desperately seek. You did the right thing!!

I study history, here is an example. In the 20's and into the 30's the people of Ca. were upset because Asians were coming in to do farm work in that state. The people of Ca. wanted white American people even if they came from another state to come in and work and Ca.'s clamied the Asians were taking all the jobs. The dust bowl hit. White Americans went to Ca. to work. The people of Ca. were angery that these white Americans from another state were coming in to work. What dose this have to do with dating? Easy, you can't please everyone and often can't please anyone. This rule applies to many things including dating, posting, living your life, immigration and Ethnic, race relations. This is why the world will never know world peace. Yes I am a big fat woman and if people don;t like it then don't talk to me. Trust however is something you build with people. If you think people won't like you because you are fat and you have to lie about it then there is something fundamentally wrong with you, not the person you lie to. Life sometimes sucks it ceritanly is not fair, but why make that turn you into something you claim not to be?

Truth is truth. you are entitled to feel how you feel. We are all different and we ALL have issues. If you don't your lying. :) I am sad that the part of your message that got lost was your question. She made a statement that has bothered you, so you put it out there. By the way, you will be pig no matter which type of girl you chose. We are judgmental creatures. Why do you think there are so many "reality" shows out there? I love the movie Wall-E, it shows us where we are headed because of our apathy. So, thank you! Enjoy your workout. i'm going to down a Ben & Jerry's!