I have been that girl, and I have been the person walking away as well....... It's never a good thing, but at least we can all learn from our history and move forwards........ Life holds no rear view mirrors,
That Moment When…
That moment when you realize she doesn’t want you because the fear of you hurting her outweighs any good part of you.
That moment when realizing this makes you feel like a small, terrible human being because you understand just how badly you’ve hurt her.
That moment when suddenly feeling this way makes you care for her for the first time the way you always should have.
That moment when your heart shatters as you realize that even though it’s now beautifully different for you, it’s no different for her.
That moment when you just know that it’s too late. Permanent damage has been done.
That moment when you finally love her enough to let her go because you know she deserves something better.
That moment when you see the relief spread over her because you letting her go is something she has wanted and needed more than anything.
That moment when she walks away and you know it might be the last time you see her.
That moment when you realize that the walls you put up to protect yourself were the very walls that destroyed you. Again.
That moment when it hits you once more. She didn’t want you because the risk of you hurting her outweighed any good part of you.
And you get into your car.
And you swallow hard to keep from crying.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Experiences in the past have made me want to write this one for a while now. Have you ever had “that moment” (or any of these moments?) I have. A couple times. And it sucks.
This article was written by danoah
140 comments
Yeah. That moment when all the good things I loved about him weren't enough to outweigh how much he was hurting me. (It still hurt after I walked away though. Still does.)
i so could have written this...i understand all that you've felt with this...i have too...many times. we can be our own worst enemy, trying to be the savior O.o
@Robbie: I can understand your point about processing. My husband says that all the time during an argument...which I guess I should appreciate more. Sorry that you suffered that way.
1 Like
I've learned that the moment you realize that that future is over is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have to mourn the loss of that person as well as the loss of the future that was planned. I hope that you're in the mending phase.
Dan reading your post broke my heart all over again. I was married to him for eight years. It was 25 years ago. I have always wondered why he just let me go. I am understanding it today I think. Thank you.
Y, I always luv u. Never meant for things to end this way. I'm sorry. I miss you... :*( I would NEVER hurt you on purpose, but I am human, and made mistakes, and my apologies and regrets and my remorse are all I have left since you won't talk to me. Please come back. Peace & Love - Ian Kilfoil
curious to know if it worked out with the bloke? But, no, those things are vile for anyone to say, let alone a friend. Jealous maybe?
The worst words a "friend" (20 yrs or more!) wrote to me were, "You will RUIN HIS LIFE -- " speaking of developing a relationship. She knew I hadn't been kissed in 16 years. She never knew this man. She only believed I was THAT 'out of his class' -- I couldn't believe it! She KNEW BETTER. She was so serious, she repeated, I should not pursue the friendship -- HE'D be sorry. He was single and unattached and interested and fascinating -- but knowing me could ONLY wind up making his life worth less. Thanks a lot, old -- once dear -- friend. Her "your friend forever" card didn't touch the ice she'd placed in my heart!! It only dug in deeper. Friends find you worthy of another's affection -- they just the heck believe you're a good thing happening, if they truly value you as a human being!!
Yes, yes--Actually, we had this moment in our current relationship. My now husband had little reason to have trust for anyone. All his life, it was do or die trying to survive. Some of his strongest memories are sitting with family on weekends and holidays waiting for his stepfather on the steps of the methadone clinic, while his mother bounced from one emotional extreme to the next. After a string of failed relationships, many of those failures relating to his own inability to trust or let down his own walls, he met me. I thought I was strong enough. He made me doubt every possible foundation for which I'd stood. At the peak of our angst, when I was ready to walk away without looking back, I found out, miraculously that we were expecting. I was told I was not going to be able to conceive because of damage done by endometriosis. I found out in December that we would be expecting. I gave him the choice to go away, clean and free, for everyone's sake--for my sake so I could heal and rebuild myself, for his sake so that he could find himself and find peace, and for our son who needed nothing of the drama and the pain that our relationship had caused. Separately, we attended counseling. In June, three months before I was due to give birth, we met at a cafe on his birthday, an attempt at a peace treaty. Prior to this, he kept wanting to work things out, but his defense mechanisms by this point had destroyed what chance I thought we'd have to ever finding happiness. At this meeting, he decided, he, too, wanted to walk away. We finished a strained dinner. I gave him some CD's I had brought him for a gift. We walked out in the moonlight and said our goodbye. A few days later, he called me. Between the counseling and a song from one of those CD's, he'd had a realization. Neither of us had ever heard that particular song--it wasn't one played on the radio. The song was "She don't want the world," by 3 Doors Down. We started trying in earnest to build a friendship and then a relationship. It wasn't easy. When things would get tough, those walls would sometimes return. But five and a half years later, you would never know how we began. Counseling helped him to see what damage he was doing to himself and to others. It helped him to be able to focus on what made him do what he did and why and it helped him to be able to catch himself in the act of those behaviors. Counseling also helped me to realize that although he was taking out his pain and his hurt on me, that actually, it had little to do with me. It had to do with his own insecurities and fear. Being able to remove myself and not take it as personal helped me to help him grow. Yes, five and a half years later, we are closer for it and very happy. Dan, if this is a recurring theme, I encourage you to seek counseling to help you identify those behaviors. You may not be able to change all of why you feel what you do or to change what makes you feel that way, but you can divert those defensive behaviors if you learn to see them in yourself. Good luck!
Yeah, had a moment like that with my ex-girlfriend. Am happy that nearly 15 years later we're on friendly terms though.
im having that moment myself from the female side and i am hopeful that what you wrote has had an impact on my dear husband. He has been ill and doesnt mean to hurt and its never physical. Please always be good to your children. Parents who hurt their children create adults who pass it on . Pray for the children who have been abused that they may heal and go on to love and be good caring partners that dont hurt us.
im having that moment myself from the female side and i am hopeful that what you wrote has had an impact on my dear husband. He has been ill and doesnt mean to hurt and its never physical. Please always be good to your children. Parents who hurt their children create adults who pass it on . Pray for the children who have been abused that they may heal and go on to love and be good caring partners that dont hurt us.
So much of this also applies to friendships too, treating friends like they're disposable, spending hours detailing their every fault then condescending to say 'we can try and work on our friendship now'... No thanks, no second chances on that one! I hope this moment of realisation happens and I'll be long gone :)
To Maria: the emotions are there. Men communicate them too ... only differently. There can be a silent understanding over a few small words said and then a recognition that the man suffering needs to go and process the event in his own way.
When my wife had her infatuation and she wasn't going to try to repair things with me ... that was my 'moment'. When I realised she wasn't committed to making things work with me ... after I had done everything in my power to make things work with her. I have never felt in a colder, darker, unlovelier place.
To Maria: the emotions are there. Men communicate them too ... only differently. There can be a silent understanding over a few small words said and then a recognition that the man suffering needs to go and process the event in his own way.
I noticed most of the comments are from women...i wonder how many men actually feel this as deeply as you described. obviously the women agree.
A strong woman. Not willing to take the chance of being hurt, again. As my mother would say: "first time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me".
I've been on the woman's end of that moment. Finally being free was an amazing thing.
Men are conditioned to respond to emotion with action, both chemically and socially. This can be very positive or very negative. Guys who talk are rare, but that doesn't mean the emotions aren't there.
sadly, for too many people, caring about someone and considering them or even thinking about not destroying them are mutually exclusive. This is why Ive decided to not date again under any circumstances.
That moment when he walks out the door and you realize you will probably never see him again...
was. how extreamly lucky you are he couldnt pull it together. because overlooking lies... that is not living at all.
The moment when he says "I don't want to hurt you" and you realize that he means he already has or intends to =(
Hopefully links are cool. Whenever I think of walls, I think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhnV5c4rzh0
My ex is having that moment a lot these days. He desperately wants me back but I'm very uncertain, too uncertain. It would be ago much easier of he could just walk away.
My ex is having that moment a lot these days. He desperately wants me back but I'm very uncertain, too uncertain. It would be ago much easier of he could just walk away.
I have been on the woman's side of this twice now, once with a man who couldn't let go or recognise the damage he caused. The other man still doesn't fully grasp it either, but the realization I've had is that love comes with risk. Both woman and men choose to take that risk, and either side can make some big mistakes.
That moment where without realizing it, your route takes you by a place that meant so much, and it's like a mule kick to the face, even after so long....