That’s Just Depressing

I've wanted to write a reply to this since the first time I read it. And today I *think* I can. Most days, I can't let myself go there. So yay for a reasonable day. Woohoo. Often I wonder how much longer I'll have to do this. When I fill my car with gas, I try to *not* look at the number of miles the car thinks it can go. Because then I consider whether today will be the day to just drive till I run out of gas. And then just lie down in a ditch. But that would be to stressful for my family. They're busy. They don't have time for me to go missing. And my daughter would be really pissed. And my other daughter would be sad. And everyone would wonder if they could have done something, anything. And that would be a no. Because my game face is too good. On bad days, I wonder why I should bother to take a shower before work. Then I remember--gameface! I worry when my thoughts come in complete sentences. And when I start composing that "If you're reading this, I'm sorry..." letter. My mother asked me a few months ago what it would take to get me to a dentist. (I haven't been in years.) I evaded. The simple truth is that I was sure I'd be done by now. Why bother in that case. I've stopped giving blood because the first question on the form reads: Are you feeling well and healthy today? No. Please explain to me how that feels. Someone once told me that every day when he wakes up, he realizes he has a choice. To be an asset or a liability. I have always been a liability. Too moody. Too dramatic. Too fill-in-the-blank. Sorry to have rambled so incoherently.

I've heard that you can choose whether you're happy or not. I know one person that can do it. I think I know how, but my dad is the only person who can maintain the proper mindset. But he can choose whether to be happy or not. I can't, no one else I know can, but my dad can. It's not impossible.

I want to offer a somewhat different perspective than most I have seen on here. One thing I have learned is that to a large extent we *do* choose whether to be happy or not. Yes, there are genetic components that can predispose us to certain patterns of thought or behavior. And yet they are not absolute- they can be overcome.

I think that for most people, however, what is missing is the knowledge of how to do so. It's well and good to say there is a choice, but unless someone knows what those choices look like and how to choose, that does them no good at all.

 When you go to get help and you are constantly told that there is something wrong with you, that you have an "imbalance", and that you can never truly get better, what do you expect to be the outcome? More illness, of course.

And if you went to get help, and you were shown your strengths and worth, taught new ways of coping, given new skills, new strengths, and personalized support? What do you expect then?

Our current mental health system follows a medical model, which focuses on illness rather than wellness. True recovery rarely happens in such a system. "Maintenance" and "remission" are the terms  used precisely for that reason; there is no place for getting better in the current system most of us live with.

Also,  the evidence-based part of the medical model has unfortunately failed to make it into the psych system, making  pharmaceutical and insurance rules and payouts the main determinants of treatment. Meditation, exercise, volunteering, peer services, and CBT have all been shown to help *at least* as much as medication , but medication has almost invariably become the first choice for treatment, despite debilitating side-effects.

Until our system is changed to reflect responsible person-driven evidence-based practices that focus on health and wellness, expecting someone to be able to simply choose something they have no concept of us rather silly. It's like explaining to a people without eyes what green looks like. Yes, people can recover, and a lot of it has to do with choices we make in our thinking and behavior. Yet, instead of simply telling someone to choose it, we need to be advocating for and implementing systematic changes that will make it more possible and accessible to everyone. 

Very deep!! Yet so true! It hurts even reading that, sitting here wishing to not go back to that!! XOXOX!

I've been depressed since at least Jr. High School, if not earlier. I remember imagining myself as a sad little girl inside a glass box looking out at the world, but no one could see me, or at the bottom of a deep, dark, hole. I was diagnosed in college, but not before several half-hearted suicide attempts, the scars from which I still bear. I saw one therapist who gave me one little coping technique and sent me on my merry way. :P Then, years later, after reaching another very dark place, I voluntarily started going to therapy again when the clouds lifted just long enough to glimpse what a horrible impact my suicide would have on the lives of my very young children. I really connected with that guy, and got on generic Zoloft, but even though the therapy helped, I hated being on the drug. It was like it cut my emotional rope down to a nub. I wasn't depressed anymore, but I also wasn't happy. I wasn't anything. I just existed, and I hated it, but I do think it worked to correct some of the chemical imbalances because even when I got off it, I wasn't as depressed. To backtrack, a few short months after starting therapy, I was fired from my job. My dream job. It's a good thing my husband had the car that day, because I can easily imagine what I would have done had I been allowed to drive. And just like that, just as things were starting to get better, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I couldn't go to therapy anymore because I had no insurance. I found a part time job, but was fired again, and the reason they gave was that they were "sick of you." The only thing that kept me alive at that time was the thought of what suicide would do to my kids. I didn't want to increase their chance of having to battle the same demons I did. I even lost my faith in God at that time. A few things helped me then. For one, my therapist, upon learning my insurance was ending, wrote me a prescription for about six months' worth of zoloft, so I was able to stay on the drug, eventually weaning myself off of it, thereby extending the time I was on it, so that I was on it for about one year total, which I'd like to believe was enough time to make a permanent change to my brain's chemistry. Also, realizing I didn't want to believe in a God that wasn't real sent me on a spiritual journey of discovering a deeper faith in God, which is a whole other story, and really helped with my depression. Finally, I learned how to self-medicate through eating healthier and exercising. I'm an emotional eater, so taking control of my eating habits also serves in some small way to take control of the depression, though deeper states of depression end up controlling my eating again. I've also found that when I stop exercising, I get more depressed. Which makes sense, considering exercise releases endorphins. Yoga especially helps, with its meditative aspect. I can also recommend forcing yourself to hang out with friends and family. When you're depressed, it's easy to believe that everyone in the world hates you, and despises you for being a worthless human being. But if you force yourself to get out and socialize, you'll find that people really do want to be around you, and care about you. It's also easy to take the things people say and twist them into insults against you, so try to catch yourself doing this, and instead ask the person what they meant, and you'll find it wasn't anything bad about you at all. Finally, when a particular event or something someone said brings you down, examine why, and replace your belief with something positive. For example, getting fired made me believe that I was a horrible, worthless person. But I have replace that belief with the belief that I did my best at the job, and it just wan't a good fit for me. Best of luck to everyone!

Chronic clinical depression has been my companion for over 30 years. Thanks for writing this.

thanks for writing this Dan. I wrote a post about my struggles last year and it felt so good to just say it out loud. Hang in there - no answers, no suggestions, just commiserating that yep, it sucks.

Depression has had a huge impact on my life. From probably about the age of 7, I've dealt with my own depression. I've always been able to hide it. I'm one of those people that can put this huge smile on my face. I have a bubbly personality, so it's easy to hide my sadness. And I've always been the type to always make sure everyone else is happy before me. It's always been a rollercoaster for myself, up and down, waves of happiness/depression. Sometimes I'm great. Other times, I'm not so good.

I just went through my second divorce. My ex husband is a combat wounded vet, who was retired from the Marine Corps for his injuries. He's got a ton of his own problems, with three deployments under his belt. He has issues with PTSD, as well as other past issues. I tried for the last two years to make him happy. It didn't work. It's only made my depression worse, especially the last few months. I'm working through it on my own, which I DON'T recommend, but I feel like it's the only way I'm going to make it through this. And I've stopped talking to people about it because either A. It's a pissing contest and their depression/lives/problems are worse or B. I feel like a burden. I hate people feeling sorry for me. So I do this- write. It helps a ton. :)))

I can totally relate to this post. I have suffered from a deep depression, thankfully I am better now. I remember the desperate feeling of just wanting to disappear, into thin air, without a trace. Longing for it actually. Thanks for posting this. Depression is a raw, desperate illness, not something you can just "snap out of" and this is an honest look at it. The funny thing about depression is that by the time you feel better it is hard to write about, I'm glad you kept this.

I have certain people (several) I no longer talk to when I am depressed. I already know they don't get it. And for their sakes, I'm glad. I'm glad they have never experienced the awful weight of depression. I'm glad they have never experienced the horrific loss of feeling, of emotion, of energy, the numbness, the inability to make decisions, etc.  I hope they never do. But if they do, I will never tell them to get over it, to think of something happy, to decide to be happy. 

Love is love.

Depression has affected me.  I was on anti depressants for a while and even got put on a medical leave from school because I overdosed on my medication.  It has been a constant thing that I've been fighting.  And though I'm been doing great these past few months since everything went down hill, I still have my moments.  Today is one of them and it was comforting to know I'm not alone.

It doesn't sound like you have "recovered" at all. You sound like you have just given up on life and yourself.  Recovering from depression and suicidal thoughts is not accepting the life that has made you unhappy enough to consider killing yourself. That is the opposite of recovery....that is apathy .......and that is sad. You sound young based on your reference to video games.  That means you have a long life ahead which could be rewarding and happy, even if you have bouts of depression.   In case you think I don't know what I'm talking about....I am much older than you and have battled depression and at times suicidal thoughts for much of my life. I know the excruciating  emotional pain that depression can cause..just as painful as any physical pain one experiences.That pain is what drives a person to suicide...you might as well be on fire and you want to end it.  You have to find a purpose to your life. We all have a purpose.  Interestingly, I have read very few references to God when I  read these comments.  It is so easy not to believe in anything which we cannot see. Without believing in something greater than ourselves our lives do feel pointless, as you said. I wonder if that has contributed to the growing number of people who are depressed.  This is not religion I'm talking about. My faith in God becomes stronger every time I face a major challenge and conquer it because I pray and ask for guidance. When I first decided to try this "strategy", for lack of a better word, I had a lot of doubts. But I thought, oh what the hell, if I pray to God to help me, maybe I will find my way out of this horrible situation. And I did, eventually.  I know I am stronger with every challenge I overcome. And believe me, there have been very, very life changing challenges which in many cases made me want to die.  God does not create or let bad things happen.  God (positive energy in the universe) gives us the choice to make our own decisions about how to live our lives, and therefore the consequences which follow. OK, I am getting too deeply into another subject when all I wanted to do is try to make you understand that your life really is worth living. Depression can be genetic and in that case drugs are usually necessary to cope with the illness....talk, exercise, positive thinking will not be enough. But those medicines should be prescribed by psychiatrists who are experts in those drugs.  But all depression can be made worse when we feel that life has no meaning.  I hope you will soon realize that there is a reason for you to live.

When I was younger I didn't believe in this thing called "depression" that everyone was talking about.  I, like many others, believed that you could just CHOOSE to be happy.  I thought people who were depressed were really just having one very long, very big pity party.  Suicide, in my mind, was a joke.  I could not fathom the idea that things could ever be bad enough to take my own life & I thought those who chose this route were cowards.

Then I had a child & struggled with postpartum depression....6 months later my Dad was killed in a car accident...and 9 months later, just when I felt like I was beginning to recover, my older sister committed suicide.  I can now say without any hesitation that depression is real.  I've struggled with it for the last 10 years and have spent much of that time on anti-depressants.  I can honestly say the meds help, but I still have days like you described above.  A lot of them actually.  Sometimes those feelings are triggered by a recent event and other times there really is no explanation.  Sometimes, in the middle of an otherwise good day, I envision running my car into a tree or over a cliff.  I still don't believe suicide is the answer, but I now understand how people can reach the point where they see no other way out.  It is a very, very scary place to be in and that fear is easily magnified by the loss of control over our own lives that most of us feel at that point. 

In my experience, individuals that do not suffer from depression find it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to identify with those of us who do.  Like me, they either don't believe in it or don't know what to say or how to deal with what you are feeling.  They simply do not understand.  It is somewhat easier to talk about it with my younger sister because she also suffers from chronic depression.  However, that is a slippery slope for both of us.  We each know that there is only so much we can lean on the other without sending them into a downward spiral as well.  

I wish I had answers.  I wish I could pass along some amazing piece of advice that would magically fix it all.  Unfortunately, I cannot.  I also don't want to give you the typical, "You are not alone" spill.  What I can say is I understand.             

That about sums it up exactly. You put the words to my thoughts every time. Weird! But nice to know I'm not the only one that thinks/feels that way some days. Thanks for the post, Dan!

That about sums it up exactly. You put the words to my thoughts every time. Weird! But nice to know I'm not the only one that thinks/feels that way some days. Thanks for the post, Dan!

Married Dad Depressed many days - Depression runs in my family.  I thought we were all cranky nut cases who should live like hermits for the rest of our sad lives.   However, I have come to discover clinical depression has to do with chemical levels (or lack thereof) in the brain.  I have been on been on anxiety and depression meds for a little over a year.  Sad and tense at the same time stinks.  The meds help somewhat but it is going to take time to get where I need to be.  Once I figure what that end point is, I'll let everyone know.

I am married to a wonderful woman who has a close-knit lively family.  They more than once told me to "snap out of it".  I wish I could sometimes, but the reality of it all is that I can't.  We all have learned to live our lives our own way.  It just hurts that I can't give that positive emotion back to my wife and daughter they need and deserve.  I know where you are coming from.  Many, many days, I wish I could sleep until the depressed feeling just went away, but I just don't have the time because I have to get up and go to work to support my family. 

I have also been told "You just need some therapy and it will all be better".  Really, who wants to talk about it? To anyone? Ever?

Hang in there.  Just know you are not alone.

I have spent a lot of my life being clinically depressed. I have been so deep in the depths that I couldn't see an end unless it was the one I made myself. What finally got me out of the depths of despair was more a change in mindset than a change in medication. It took a long time and a lot of help, but finally I control my depression. It doesn't control me. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It isn't the oncoming train. And, if you will let them, there are people who love you who are aching to share their light until you can see it for yourself. I have never regretted holding on until I could see the light. Had I given up I would have missed far too much life.

What great timing to read this article. Yesterday I finally saw my Dr. About changing from Bupropion to somethin else.He suggested Zoloft. I've been unable to enjoy much of anything for months. Even though I have great things happening in my life ( new baby,school, new job soon, moving to a bigger place) I can't get it together. This is depression and it tricks u into thinking you are unable to be happy. Once you get meds that work and start feeling better again,you wonder why u didn't do it sooner. This is my story and many others!!!!

Very good blog. Serious things are worthy of being addressed now and then, too. :) I am plagued by depression fairly often. One of the things I practice to deal with it is list out the positives in my life.

I've been dealing with this little thing called clinical depression for my whole life. It has consumed my life as a whole shaped who I am today, witch is a person I honestly can't face in the morning. Day in to day out I have been affected by this cancer to the point insanity, it was always apparent to me that I was different from the masses and the illness that is closely befriended by the many other mental illness's most prominently my mental instability or to sum it up my suicidal thoughts. I couldn't comprehend a life without forcing yourself to git up in the bed in the morning or many of the other daily tasks that haunted my ever lonely existence. Then the day that change my life, the realization that life is only worth living if you can truly live for the purpose of love, happiness, and all together good. And what I mean is the more that you dwell over the way you were brought up or the way She left you without a word or all the other practicably inevitable events in life that is for the negative the farther you go down the hole and I've been to the bottom , and it took that for me to relies this.

Yet still that's not all, you have to live every day not for your self but for others, from family to total strangers. In the end we will be remembered for what we did for our fellow men and women not how much we make or how big our house is. Life is a time of many test's and trial's but we aren't here to just get through it, Its to prevail and come on top as a good person. As every day goes by in this world of corruption and hatred the more we stray from a truly pure and pristine world, and even the some goes for the people, every day we stray down this path of self loathing and destruction we loose what make up what we are a human being the minute we stop fighting for the light is the day we lose out humanity and I know that's a world that I and many others wouldn't want our kids to live in. So in the end what do you want to be remembered by hatred,destruction or for happiness and true love for our brothers and sisters all alike. I believe in a world that is color blind where the is no black or white only family.

At first I didn't want to say anything in response because I have learned to not talk about my depression with people.  After so many years of 'think positive' and 'count your blessings' and 'it's all about your attitude' I just gave up.  But I have been feeling lately that if I want to live an authentic life I have to be honest about all of me, and it is easier to say things here than to anyone in my life.

I have severe depression.  It doesn't cycle, it doesn't end.  It's constant and has been for many years.  Since I was a small child it has gotten progressively worse.  I've taken many medications and have yet to find one that helps.  About five years ago I developed severe anxiety disorder as well. 

Many times I've wished I had cancer, or some other 'socially acceptable' disease instead.  When you have cancer people rally around you and make t-shirts and raise money.  They bring you dinners and clean your house and say 'what can I do to help'.  They don't say 'it's all in your head'.  They don't ask when you're going to hurry up and get over it.  They don't offer to find an institution for you because you are 'too lazy to move on with your life'. 

It has cost me much.  My older children live with their father because of it.  I can't stick with a job.  This of course makes therapy difficult, and I have to rely on whatever the government will give me as a hand out.  Since I end up moving around a lot due to financial issues that is also inconsistent, since you go to an office based on where you live. 

I hate that I don't know how to get well.  I hate that I want more than anything to be happy and joyful and enjoy life and the years are passing by faster and faster with no relief in sight.  I hate that I have to look in the mirror and say 'good job girl, be proud of yourself, today you managed to take a shower AND brush your teeth.  You're making progress!'

Depression is such a lonely disease.  Thank you to everyone who is sharing your stories on here.  It helps to not feel so alone.

I found this site a few months ago, trying to help my son find a way to connect to other single dads. He was not interested because he felt so alone then, and still does. Months have gone by and I have not checked back to this site until today. When I read these comments about the devastating impact depression can cause on someones life, as it has to mine, I decided to e-mail this to him in hopes that he will no longer feel alone.  Thank you for posting this insightful essay. 

Been there. Done that. Like you, just have to trudge on, through the dark times, and have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long and how dark. Sometimes the reason for the darkness is the darkness itself. By faking some light, no matter how fake and how difficult, the pseudo light drives back the darkness far enough and long enough for the real light to come through. The key is to be aware, at all times, which part is darkness, which part is fake light, and to embrace the real light when it comes.

I know how you feel Dan. Which means I also know how good it feels to talk about it. Everything surrounding my situation atm adds more and more to how shitty I feel. Like you said, seeing other people happy, people walking down the street hand in hand and wishing it could be yours. Getting so annoyed with people who just say, 'get over it', or 'you CHOOSE to be u happy'. Really? Really??? Are you kidding me? You think people actually choose to feel that way? Give me a fucking break. Have you heard this one Dan? 'Well, you have your son.' Yes, seeing your child is awesome, and sometimes the only thing that pushes you through the tough times. But it's still never enough for ones own happiness. Yes I love my son, yes he loves me. But it's a different kind of love, filling a very different void in my heart. Dan, I totally appreciate you sharing this post, and not once, not even for a second, will I condemn you, or bash you for being negative. It feels good to let it out, and it feels good to know you're not alone. Trudge on my friend and I hope things get better for you. Not because you CHOOSE to be happy, but because you find that reason to be.

Thanks so much for this post. I've felt many of those things. I've been struggling for a while now and most days find it exhausting just to put one foot in front of the other...but I keep doing it because I know I have to and I know it'll help. I've also given up on medication because it seems to cause other health issues in me. I feel caught in a vicious cycle right now. But maybe it's just like a rip tide and if I swim in the right direction, I can find my way out of it again. Either way, it's good to know I'm not alone.

My husband left me recently and I think it is because I have been depressed for so long. I try not to let it show. I am so lonely (or at least feel that way) I know I can be better but I have difficulty taking that first step. It's like a wave of positive and negative. One day I smile and talk to every one I meet and that makes me feel better. But then I come home to an empty house (save for the three dogs and Parrot they have saved me) and I am immediately depressed. I know I can paint, and long to, but I resist by busing myself with chores. It is like a hyper depression. I feel sad and so I make myself really busy cleaning, mowing, arranging and i refuse to sit and rest for any amount of time. I don't know if this is to avoid thinking . It is almost like I have learned to be sad at a young age, and now that, has become my comfort zone. Therefore, I create that environment to stifle myself from growing. I sabotage my happiness and focus on the negative because happiness is just too unfamiliar.

I wish I knew how to get out of it right now... thank you for writing about it. :(

I wish I knew how to get out of it right now... thank you for writing about it. :(

Depression is that all encompassing black void that envelops you and won't ever go away or let you go. It muffles you, suffocates you, and honestly... sometimes it seems like the only way out is the one way you really don't want to think about. But sometimes it feels like the only alternative. The one and only option.

That's where I'm at.

L

Thank you thank you thank you for this post. I could say a *lot* about this, I've lived with chronic depression almost as long as I can remember, but it's late and I'm really worn out, so I'll just say thank you again. Discussion about this is helpful for those who suffer this way, and those that suffer because their loved ones are depressed and they don't understand or know what to do. I will also add, that the only thing that I've experienced that isn't on this list is feeling guilty for being so helplessly miserable for no good reason. Then, of course, the guilt leads right back into more depression.

Thank you. This is a topic that is near and dear to me. I am grateful for this post.

Depression for me comes and goes...like good days and bad.  I am a hair stylist and sometimes I feel like that is all I am...even though I wish to be known as a wife and mother someday. There are days when I will wake up, lay there with my eyes open and think, "if I don't get out of bed today, no one will even notice.  I am not needed in this world except for when someone needs their hair done. :(  Those are sad days.  I always think that we are in control of our own destiny but why is it so hard to get there?  I think depression is hard to talk about because who really has the answer we need?  Sometimes I think, if I were a wife and a mother, would my life be that much better?  Depression free?  Only a few people know I feel this way. I always get, "You need to do what's best for you and stop being so nice...learn how to say no!"  I wish it was that easy for me. When I try to stand up for myself, it always makes me feel worse. I try to take one day at a time.  I just hope that time doesn't fly by so fast that I miss out on my hopes and dreams in the process of trying to figure this life out.

you describe it perfectly

I've had a very, very bad year, Dan. I need this quote. Thank you.

Dan, I thank you for being brave enough to post this. I have suffered from depression off and on for the past 33 years. The first time it was called port-partum depression, but after that it was just depression. Pain, sadness, loss of interest in things that once interested me, and sometimes, yes, the thoughts about the power pole. I was treated with a few different anti-depressants and realized eventually I could recognize the beginnings of another bout before it really hit me too hard. I lived through years of self-medicating with St. John's Wort, and finally getting on a regular regimen of amitriptyline at a low dosage which is pretty successful for me in keeping the "demons" at bay. My mom always said, snap out of it, and it's all in your head. Well, yes, I suppose it is in my head but it also caused by some sort of chemical imbalance. Her advice never helped, but a persistent and caring doctor did. Again, thanks Dan, I salute you!

Thank you for publishing this piece. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout. K.

I've totally been there too.

The most important is to know that we can be sad, or anxious, and that it is okay to talk about it and get help for it.

You are my freaking hero.  I hope eventually I can become as awesome as you.  

You're so beautiful and brave to share like you do. I think anyone who claims to never be depressed isn't paying attention. The world is a tough, cruel place, and it's painful to truly be a part of it! I have struggled with it myself, sometimes for real reason I know, sometimes for great reasons. My husband took his life last year. He was the most hopeless person I had ever seen at the end, despite a lot of personal success, including our very successful restaurant which got tons of national recognition. He had my support and understanding and that of our wonderful staff, meds, a great psychologist. I'll never truly understand how it could have happened, even with my own struggles. I don't think it's something many folks can understand. For me, it's all about hope, and focusing on the tiny happy moments. Someone said basically that happiness is not something most people get to experience as a day-to-day state of mind, that it's nature is fleeting, and that we have to work extra hard to remember those little moments thru all the bad (might have been George Carlin, but said in a funnier way).

I'm glad that you decided to finish this post. Chronic depression, or in my case, bipolar disorder, is a tough subject for people to read about. It shouldn't be. Mental illness is just that, it's an illness. As with any other illness, we need our doctor, we need medication, and we need the support of those around us. Most importantly, we need to get rid of the stigma that surrounds it. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I try my hardest to count my blessings everyday, and lately I've been making a real effort to turn things around (employment-wise and health-wise), but it's exhausting. People who tell you to "get over it" are uncomfortable with your sadness and they don't know how to deal with it, so that's all they can think of to say. Thanks for your honesty, Dan, and we are all happy you are in a better place right now. :)