On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMSWOOS (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means).

  • Michele: “While you’re out shopping today, will you get OFF!?” Me: “… If you insist.” Michele: “Bug spray, Paul. I’m talking about bug spray.”
  • 5 things to take w/ me during a zombie apocalypse. it’s simple really – 5 people slower than me.
  • Alexander just came into the room buck naked, dvd between his buttcheeks saying “Mama look at me! I’m a Wii! I’m a Wii!”
  • Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo.
  • Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug.
  • The cops just came to my door and wanted to talk to me because they were getting reports that my dog was chasing people on bicycles. I told them I know that’s bullcrap, cause my dog doesnt even own a bicycle!!!
  • To the woman with 6 screaming kids at Walmart: if you’re wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart…You’re welcome (and for those wondering…yes, I did!).
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Dear Woman Driving Next to Me- I understand it is sunny and you want to block the sun’s rays by jamming a brochure into your side window, however, I did not need to know that you may be interested in obtaining some “vaginoplasty”!! Love, Carol
  • Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
  • There should be an “Angry Birds Cannon” option for all cars. It needs to be mountable behind the grill and come with a green pig shaped laser sight so the birds know where to go.
  • I’d like to thank my psychiatrist for my good mood today!
  • Getting Lasik done this morning. If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.
  • It’s ironic how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
  • This outfit today has been made possible by Spanx!

MORE HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES ON THE NEXT PAGE

1
2
SHARE
Previous articleThe 10 Best Things About Babies (That I Miss Most)
Next articlePhoto of the Week: Embarrassed and with Reason
Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!