Your Funniest Facebook Status Updates

"Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo."

Yup...and I certainly had to learn the hard way. ( :

I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

lol, got it

Really hilarious. All of them were just too funny.

I’d like to thank my psychiatrist for my good mood today!Getting Lasik done this morning.

If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.It’s ironic how the colors red,

white and blue represent freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

This was seriously awesome

http://www.statusbook.net/?id=1

This is so hilarious!

<a href="http://www.statusbook.net/?id=1">funny phrase</a>

I was driving down the road today while eating some Arby's, when some boys threw some skittles and said taste the rainbow! So, I turned around and when I was about to pass them, I threw my Arby's bag and yelled It's good mood food!

Funny people!

Tonight's status was a pretty good one I think: I was somewhat horrified when my six year old hollered "Hey look, there's that black guy!" at the TV. Felt better when I looked over and it was Darth Vader. Oh, THAT black guy.

Two days ago:  "The moment when you try on a pair of brown shorts and you can't get them past your knees.  You look at the size.  It's correct.  Depressed because you've gained so much weight over the winter, you go downstairs for chocolate.  Then you see a pair of brown shorts in the folded laundry and realize what you had been trying to put on were your almost 9 year-old daughter's wide-legged capris.  The relief is short lived, however when you realize that although you haven't gained any weight, you HAVE lost your mind..."

Late at night when everyone is asleep I fill my bathtub with marinara sauce. Then I submerge myself in it and imagine I'm a meatball.

Was just told by someone I don't know that I'm too honest with my kid. My teenager knows what a condom is. When is your daughter due?

We may have set a date. Dec 22! Hopefully the Mayans just ran out of stone...

Woo hoo! I feel like a celebrity after making your list!! These are hilarious!! :)

Haha these are all funny, but I should have posted some of mine, no doubt at least one would have made it!

Still funny as the first time reading it! And again thank you for using my post. It made me giddy seeing it there :D

Things heard in the minivan: "Mom, listen to these jokes I made up!! 'Why couldn't the goth boy read his notes? He highlighted them in black.' 'What do you call Mother Nature's butt? Her grass.'" [hysterical giggling]

Things heard in the minivan: "Mom! Guess what! I made a baby with my friend Ian today!!" What the heck are they teaching in 7th grade??? Oh, genetics. Never mind.

mommy are you a virgin? hahhaha! yep this is why you ask them what it is before you tell them what it is!!!!!!

I totally just posted the last comment one. LOL

I'm asleep. "mum why do some people think sex is rude?" (WHAT?! brain spasms...) "mmm?" "my sex is: girl"

Here's mine: After getting to the bottom of a box of kleenex, Ivan, age 8, said, "Mom! The guy who made these must have been a neat freak! They were all folded so nicely!"

Dan just noticed the line up in ur header "Nobody here but us chickens" I say that all the time but no one else seems to get it. It's from a bugs bunny cartoon isn't it?

That "last comment wins" deal sounds pretty dangerous. I'm sorta tempted to try it.. Haha. A facebook status of mine said "Valentine's Day -- Created by women to test the level of man's devotion. Thanksgiving -- Created by men to keep women busy in the kitchen so they can watch football undisturbed. Touché."

Another one from last summer. "After spending too much money at an amusement park I asked my 5 year old son what his favorite ride was. His response? 'The sprinklers.' Me, 'You mean the ones on the ends of the hoses that were in the paths to cool us off while we were walking?!' Him, 'Yep! Those were the best!' Next year we are going on vacation in the yard."

I liked the hammer one...so much that I just posted it to mine!

My favorite comment was : Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo. And I think my funniest post was: M: "Daddy can we please please please please play in the sprinkler?" CSP: "No" M: "awww, man....why not?" CSP: "Because it's snowing" Or Me: "Okay guys. Enough. I don't care who did it. I just need to know. Is it spit or is it pee?" Or Me: "Q, knock it off." Q: "What?" Me: "Please stop trying to punch your brother." Q: "I'm not trying to punch my brother. I testing a hypothesis that my fist flys at the same speed above and below the water."

I knew I was a mom when I yelled without a pause "Stop farting on your friends and pretending to be a soul-sucking dementor!"

Right around finals time during the recent spring college semester. "Its been a two prozac kind of day."

Skye - I'm in tears!!!

Clearly the person with the update about the screaming children in Wal-Mart doesn't have children of their own.

Follow me here! http://radiantreality.blogspot.com/

And here! http://radiantwords.blogspot.com/

Hey! Mine made it! :D Awesome! :D 

One more :) Definition of a parents vacation: The thirty seconds it takes to walk a around to your car door after buckling your child in and shutting their door.

One of mine was: Welcome to my mid-life crisis!!! *jazz hands* I was feeling a bit fed up that day and expressed it in my typical strange way!

Here's some of mine: Grocery shopping fun with the three year old - “Do not run away! You need to stay with Mummy“ Spend next ten minutes walking around with a child who is performing slow motion running and yelling “Look Mummy! I'm really SLOW like you!“ Miss Two: “I want to go poo“ Me: “ok, let's go to the toilet then“ Miss Two: “No, i want to go POO!“ Me: “yes... And we do that on the toilet“ Miss Two, lies down on her belly “No, i want to go poo like this“ Me: “i guarantee you it's much easier SITTING on the toilet“ Miss Two: “No! I want to go poo like this!“ *does swimming arms* Me: “Oh! You mean you want to go swimming at the POOL! Sorry honey, it's much better to swim in a pool than the toilet“ And My three year old nephew just came up behind me with a tape measure and announced “Aunty Skye, your butt measures a BILLION!“ Gee thanks. Did you want to measure my thighs too while you're at it?

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength, I'm gonna need bail money to go with it.  

Come together to SDL....enjoy it then.......together feel wonder, impress, sad, confuse, fun, and.......the point is laugh together. LOL !

Come together to SDL....enjoy it then.......together feel wonder, impress, sad, confuse, fun, and.......the point is laugh together. LOL !

Here are a few of mine: We've had a survey company calling regarding travel in the North East area. I tried to answer the lady's questions but had to repeat information over and over so I told her I was sorry but I had a 5 year old running around nekkid and had to go. She called back so Patrick handed the phone to RP. We told him Mommy was unavailable and to tell the lady about his new fishing pole or the Power Rangers. So he told her "I'm sorry, my Mommy is not available" and proceeded to tell her about his new fishing pole. That RUDE lady hung up on him without even saying goodbye. I can not believe I just offered to give my son shorts so he could go outside if he brought me a soda. Took RP to the bank to cash in his coins from Piggy. That little dude had $50.00 in coins! Then we went to the game store to get him a new Wii game ... he chose the complete Lego Star Wars. Is it wrong of me that when he asked for my help in something that I just kept killing Jar-Jar? "No, Aine (our Mastiff puppy) ... Pterodactyls don't pay bills. It doesn't matter that it squeaks. No, I can't mail the pterodactyl."

Here are a few of mine:

We've had a survey company calling regarding travel in the North East area. I tried to answer the lady's questions but had to repeat information over and over so I told her I was sorry but I had a 5 year old running around nekkid and had to go. She called back so Patrick handed the phone to RP. We told him Mommy was unavailable and to tell the lady about his new fishing pole or the Power Rangers. So he told her "I'm sorry, my Mommy is not available" and proceeded to tell her about his new fishing pole. That RUDE lady hung up on him without even saying goodbye.

I can not believe I just offered to give my son shorts so he could go outside if he brought me a soda. 

Took RP to the bank to cash in his coins from Piggy. That little dude had $50.00 in coins! Then we went to the game store to get him a new Wii game ... he chose the complete Lego Star Wars. Is it wrong of me that when he asked for my help in something that I just kept killing Jar-Jar?

"No, Aine (our Mastiff puppy) ... Pterodactyls don't pay bills. It doesn't matter that it squeaks. No, I can't mail the pterodactyl."

oh the discussion I got when I posted " I'm never sure what to think when the missionaries show up at the door wanting to discuss their positions" :)

ROFLSHMSWOOS = Rolling on floor laughing so hard my side wound opened. Oh Snap.

Always thought this one was funny - So, I was riding a horse yesterday and fell off. I almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS the Walmart greeter saw what happened and came over and unplugged it.

Someone originally thought of them. I have seen many of them too, but they are still funny. :)

Nice...stole the choregasm one. fits so well.

Oh, and yesterday I posted 'Can we go to a cat vomit based economy, because Biscuit just puked IN my wallet. I have way more vomit than money'.