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Your Funniest Facebook Status Updates

On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMSWOOS (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means).

  • Michele: “While you’re out shopping today, will you get OFF!?” Me: “… If you insist.” Michele: “Bug spray, Paul. I’m talking about bug spray.”
  • 5 things to take w/ me during a zombie apocalypse. it’s simple really – 5 people slower than me.
  • Alexander just came into the room buck naked, dvd between his buttcheeks saying “Mama look at me! I’m a Wii! I’m a Wii!”
  • Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo.
  • Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug.
  • The cops just came to my door and wanted to talk to me because they were getting reports that my dog was chasing people on bicycles. I told them I know that’s bullcrap, cause my dog doesnt even own a bicycle!!!
  • To the woman with 6 screaming kids at Walmart: if you’re wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart…You’re welcome (and for those wondering…yes, I did!).
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Dear Woman Driving Next to Me- I understand it is sunny and you want to block the sun’s rays by jamming a brochure into your side window, however, I did not need to know that you may be interested in obtaining some “vaginoplasty”!! Love, Carol
  • Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
  • There should be an “Angry Birds Cannon” option for all cars. It needs to be mountable behind the grill and come with a green pig shaped laser sight so the birds know where to go.
  • I’d like to thank my psychiatrist for my good mood today!
  • Getting Lasik done this morning. If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.
  • It’s ironic how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
  • This outfit today has been made possible by Spanx!

MORE HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES ON THE NEXT PAGE

54 comments
Mwwkennedy
Mwwkennedy

Hey Dan, my wife would definitely agree with that last one! Haha


I've gotten some inspiration from this site I stumbled upon which contains Funny Facebook Status Updates and Funny Jokes. Definitely wasted a few hours off this one!


Check it out! : http://www.funny-facebook-status.com


Cheers ;-)

Funny Birthday Wishes
Funny Birthday Wishes

"Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo."

 

Yup...and I certainly had to learn the hard way. ( :

Andre Cyriac Boudreau
Andre Cyriac Boudreau

I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

Sameera
Sameera

Really hilarious. All of them were just too funny.

Facebook Status
Facebook Status

I’d like to thank my psychiatrist for my good mood today!Getting Lasik done this morning.

If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.It’s ironic how the colors red,

white and blue represent freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

AmbooLaRae
AmbooLaRae

I was driving down the road today while eating some Arby's, when some boys threw some skittles and said taste the rainbow! So, I turned around and when I was about to pass them, I threw my Arby's bag and yelled It's good mood food!

JenniferMcCordNolan
JenniferMcCordNolan

Tonight's status was a pretty good one I think: I was somewhat horrified when my six year old hollered "Hey look, there's that black guy!" at the TV. Felt better when I looked over and it was Darth Vader. Oh, THAT black guy.

lrutz
lrutz

Two days ago:  "The moment when you try on a pair of brown shorts and you can't get them past your knees.  You look at the size.  It's correct.  Depressed because you've gained so much weight over the winter, you go downstairs for chocolate.  Then you see a pair of brown shorts in the folded laundry and realize what you had been trying to put on were your almost 9 year-old daughter's wide-legged capris.  The relief is short lived, however when you realize that although you haven't gained any weight, you HAVE lost your mind..."

KatWilliams
KatWilliams

Late at night when everyone is asleep I fill my bathtub with marinara sauce. Then I submerge myself in it and imagine I'm a meatball.

 

EmmaJewel
EmmaJewel

Was just told by someone I don't know that I'm too honest with my kid. My teenager knows what a condom is. When is your daughter due?

EmmaJewel
EmmaJewel

We may have set a date. Dec 22! Hopefully the Mayans just ran out of stone...

AmberEleanor
AmberEleanor

Haha these are all funny, but I should have posted some of mine, no doubt at least one would have made it!

 

 

 

Brittany E. Garrigus
Brittany E. Garrigus

Still funny as the first time reading it! And again thank you for using my post. It made me giddy seeing it there :D

Amy Nield Kamm
Amy Nield Kamm

Things heard in the minivan: "Mom, listen to these jokes I made up!! 'Why couldn't the goth boy read his notes? He highlighted them in black.' 'What do you call Mother Nature's butt? Her grass.'" [hysterical giggling]

Amy Nield Kamm
Amy Nield Kamm

Things heard in the minivan: "Mom! Guess what! I made a baby with my friend Ian today!!" What the heck are they teaching in 7th grade??? Oh, genetics. Never mind.

MiriamJane
MiriamJane

mommy are you a virgin? hahhaha! yep this is why you ask them what it is before you tell them what it is!!!!!!

SaraWiese
SaraWiese

I totally just posted the last comment one. LOL

Alyosha Violet
Alyosha Violet

I'm asleep. "mum why do some people think sex is rude?" (WHAT?! brain spasms...) "mmm?" "my sex is: girl"

HeidiW
HeidiW

Here's mine: After getting to the bottom of a box of kleenex, Ivan, age 8, said, "Mom! The guy who made these must have been a neat freak! They were all folded so nicely!"

berkleywoman
berkleywoman

Dan just noticed the line up in ur header "Nobody here but us chickens" I say that all the time but no one else seems to get it. It's from a bugs bunny cartoon isn't it?

Erin L
Erin L

That "last comment wins" deal sounds pretty dangerous. I'm sorta tempted to try it.. Haha. A facebook status of mine said "Valentine's Day -- Created by women to test the level of man's devotion. Thanksgiving -- Created by men to keep women busy in the kitchen so they can watch football undisturbed. Touché."

Amy Oberle Mcbroom
Amy Oberle Mcbroom

Another one from last summer. "After spending too much money at an amusement park I asked my 5 year old son what his favorite ride was. His response? 'The sprinklers.' Me, 'You mean the ones on the ends of the hoses that were in the paths to cool us off while we were walking?!' Him, 'Yep! Those were the best!' Next year we are going on vacation in the yard."

 

Rocktoonz
Rocktoonz

I liked the hammer one...so much that I just posted it to mine!

peckedbyducks
peckedbyducks

My favorite comment was : Cleaning while the kids are awake is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo. And I think my funniest post was: M: "Daddy can we please please please please play in the sprinkler?" CSP: "No" M: "awww, man....why not?" CSP: "Because it's snowing" Or Me: "Okay guys. Enough. I don't care who did it. I just need to know. Is it spit or is it pee?" Or Me: "Q, knock it off." Q: "What?" Me: "Please stop trying to punch your brother." Q: "I'm not trying to punch my brother. I testing a hypothesis that my fist flys at the same speed above and below the water."

Sally Lucas Henry
Sally Lucas Henry

I knew I was a mom when I yelled without a pause "Stop farting on your friends and pretending to be a soul-sucking dementor!"

Amy Oberle Mcbroom
Amy Oberle Mcbroom

Right around finals time during the recent spring college semester. "Its been a two prozac kind of day."

 

Skye Stephenson
Skye Stephenson

One more :) Definition of a parents vacation: The thirty seconds it takes to walk a around to your car door after buckling your child in and shutting their door.

Rhonda Lytle Sheppard
Rhonda Lytle Sheppard

One of mine was: Welcome to my mid-life crisis!!! *jazz hands* I was feeling a bit fed up that day and expressed it in my typical strange way!

Skye Stephenson
Skye Stephenson

Here's some of mine: Grocery shopping fun with the three year old - “Do not run away! You need to stay with Mummy“ Spend next ten minutes walking around with a child who is performing slow motion running and yelling “Look Mummy! I'm really SLOW like you!“ Miss Two: “I want to go poo“ Me: “ok, let's go to the toilet then“ Miss Two: “No, i want to go POO!“ Me: “yes... And we do that on the toilet“ Miss Two, lies down on her belly “No, i want to go poo like this“ Me: “i guarantee you it's much easier SITTING on the toilet“ Miss Two: “No! I want to go poo like this!“ *does swimming arms* Me: “Oh! You mean you want to go swimming at the POOL! Sorry honey, it's much better to swim in a pool than the toilet“ And My three year old nephew just came up behind me with a tape measure and announced “Aunty Skye, your butt measures a BILLION!“ Gee thanks. Did you want to measure my thighs too while you're at it?

Bettierosie
Bettierosie

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength, I'm gonna need bail money to go with it.  

Endang Tri
Endang Tri

Come together to SDL....enjoy it then.......together feel wonder, impress, sad, confuse, fun, and.......the point is laugh together. LOL !

Endang Tri
Endang Tri

Come together to SDL....enjoy it then.......together feel wonder, impress, sad, confuse, fun, and.......the point is laugh together. LOL !

Cathi A Jones Buchanan
Cathi A Jones Buchanan

Here are a few of mine: We've had a survey company calling regarding travel in the North East area. I tried to answer the lady's questions but had to repeat information over and over so I told her I was sorry but I had a 5 year old running around nekkid and had to go. She called back so Patrick handed the phone to RP. We told him Mommy was unavailable and to tell the lady about his new fishing pole or the Power Rangers. So he told her "I'm sorry, my Mommy is not available" and proceeded to tell her about his new fishing pole. That RUDE lady hung up on him without even saying goodbye. I can not believe I just offered to give my son shorts so he could go outside if he brought me a soda. Took RP to the bank to cash in his coins from Piggy. That little dude had $50.00 in coins! Then we went to the game store to get him a new Wii game ... he chose the complete Lego Star Wars. Is it wrong of me that when he asked for my help in something that I just kept killing Jar-Jar? "No, Aine (our Mastiff puppy) ... Pterodactyls don't pay bills. It doesn't matter that it squeaks. No, I can't mail the pterodactyl."

Cat_Buchanan
Cat_Buchanan

Here are a few of mine:

 

We've had a survey company calling regarding travel in the North East area. I tried to answer the lady's questions but had to repeat information over and over so I told her I was sorry but I had a 5 year old running around nekkid and had to go. She called back so Patrick handed the phone to RP. We told him Mommy was unavailable and to tell the lady about his new fishing pole or the Power Rangers. So he told her "I'm sorry, my Mommy is not available" and proceeded to tell her about his new fishing pole. That RUDE lady hung up on him without even saying goodbye.

 

I can not believe I just offered to give my son shorts so he could go outside if he brought me a soda. 

 

Took RP to the bank to cash in his coins from Piggy. That little dude had $50.00 in coins! Then we went to the game store to get him a new Wii game ... he chose the complete Lego Star Wars. Is it wrong of me that when he asked for my help in something that I just kept killing Jar-Jar?

 

"No, Aine (our Mastiff puppy) ... Pterodactyls don't pay bills. It doesn't matter that it squeaks. No, I can't mail the pterodactyl."

Sheila N Vinson
Sheila N Vinson

oh the discussion I got when I posted " I'm never sure what to think when the missionaries show up at the door wanting to discuss their positions" :)

DeltaJo
DeltaJo

ROFLSHMSWOOS = Rolling on floor laughing so hard my side wound opened. Oh Snap.

Dani Jensen Henson
Dani Jensen Henson

Always thought this one was funny - So, I was riding a horse yesterday and fell off. I almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS the Walmart greeter saw what happened and came over and unplugged it.

JenEfur Chandler
JenEfur Chandler

Someone originally thought of them. I have seen many of them too, but they are still funny. :)