After finding out a new satire blog was in the works, crazed reader hits blogger Single Dad Laughing in the face with a shovel. Pearce says, “I cried like a little baby.”
DRAPER, UT — For Dan Pearce, Monday seemed like any other day. The blogger spent most of the morning in his underwear writing ego-enhanced, self-aggrandizing blog posts for his four billion diehard fans. After discovering that the only food he had left was an old can of lima beans and some turned soy milk, he resentfully showered and made himself at least slightly presentable for a quick shopping trip with his son, Noah.
Earlier that morning, Pearce had published his first satire blog post on his new blog My Fantastic Escape. The post was titled “Brain Eating Parasites Transmitted to Thousands through Cell Phones” and told the humorous (albeit disturbing) satirical story of tiny parasitic worms that crawl into the tiny speaker holes of cell phones and then make their way to the brain. The post was meant to be good fun, as was evidenced by its exploration of the victims’ bizarre symptoms and the Chuck Norris brainwashing given to neurons to combat the dang things.
But apparently not all readers thought it was good fun as Pearce learned when he opened his front door that afternoon. In a self-written and controversial press release about the event, the blogger shared his version of what happened.
I was taking Noah to the store to buy healthy and nutritional items that would make me appear to be a good dad. After all, appearance is everything. When I opened my front door, a big rusty shovel came swinging at my face. I thought, this is it. I’m going to die right now. I then thought of all the ways that I could use the story to drive traffic to Single Dad Laughing and I screamed, “wait, I want to take a picture of this for my blog!” Thankfully the shovel was going slow enough that I was able to hand Noah my camera phone and instruct him to take as many pictures as possible before being hit.
The shovel softly bumped the left side of my face. I stepped out onto my porch and discovered that the assailant was an old shrunken woman. “That’ll teach you to write satire,” she said as she dropped the shovel.
I cried like a little baby right then. Not because I was in pain, but because I knew she must be in pain. I wrote the most powerful blog post ever for her in that moment, and after reading it she told me that her life had been changed and that she would never live with such anger and hatred again.
As we were hugging it out, another shovel came out of nowhere and really knocked me a good one. I fell to the ground and rubbed my now-blurred eyes until they focused. Standing above me was my good friend Catherine of the blog Her Bad Mother. “That’ll teach you to add me into a story that I have nothing to do with,” she said as she dropped the shovel.
After Pearce’s press release, the internet blew up as bloggers debated his sincerity and his marketing practices.
In a mea culpa issued by the blogger afterwards, he said, “I suck. I just wanted people to think I’m a superhero. And I wanted them to like my new blog on Facebook so that they could get updates when I post new satire pieces. I admit that I deserve everything I got.”
He then supplied a Facebook like button like this and told his readers to click it, promising them all sorts of future laughs and money for doing so:
Reactions varied across the web. Some people demanded his head on a spear. Others felt that the blogger should be given knighthood.
When asked about it all, Pearce said, “I just want a girlfriend.”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Obviously I’m being silly and poking fun at myself in this blog post. But, in all seriousness… if you enjoy good-humored satire, go read the first post and subscribe to My Fantastic Escape. It’s where I’ll be getting that creative fix that I really need sometimes. Upcoming posts include hillbillies accidentally eating celebrity ferrets, muppet love affairs, gang members as babysitters, and much more!
There’s a blog post explaining it, but I decided to pull the plug-on The Fear Doctor read-along and focus on publishing the book as a whole instead (in the future). My original intent with My Fantastic Escape was to do satire, so I’m just starting back at its roots.
Thanks everybody for putting up with me as I try different things to see what works best for me long-term. I’ve had more fun writing the satirical (fake) news stories than I have in a long time, so I think I definitely found a great outlet to help me not go crazy.