It’s officially happened.
Noah’s mom and I have reached the first point in our co-parenting relationship where we have to drastically alter the way we are able to share custody of Noah.
Kindergarten is coming up in the fall, and that means Noah can’t switch back and forth as often as he has been. We’ve learned in his two years of preschool that it’s very difficult for him to focus on school, homework, and whatnot when he’s going back and forth between houses every day. Information gets lost in the shuffle. Important things don’t always get shared with both parents . And even at such a young age it just doesn’t work. I can only imagine it will get worse as he gets older.
The hard reality is that one of us has to give up some of our time with him so that he can have the stability of one house during the school week.
The problem… Neither one of us wanted to be the parent that gave that up. Some of the only arguments we’ve had in the past were times when we both wanted to make sure we were getting our fair share with our son. It’s hard enough for both of us to be without him half the time. Take him away more than that and it seems like a straight-up tragedy.
We went back and forth for several days for a lot of hours trying to work this one out.
And in the end, parents who really love their kids do what’s best for their kids, no matter how bad it sucks for themselves.
And so was the case with Noah.
When it boils down to it, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, his other home probably is a better place for him to spend the school week. His mom is a stay at home mom, and she doesn’t have to worry about bringing in an income. She doesn’t have to travel as much as I do. She’ll be able to help him with his homework, help out in his classroom, and be there for him more than I will if I have to bring in a living in-between it all.
I argued about all that. I wanted to be the stay at home dad once school starts. I wanted to be the one that took him to school and picked him up again. I wanted to be the one who got to see all his school projects first. I wanted to be the one who he first tells about his schoolyard adventures and struggles every afternoon.
But in the end, parents who really love their kids do what’s best for their kids, no matter how bad it sucks for themselves.
Of course, there was the argument that really frustrated me more than anything. The “it’s better for him to have a complete family the majority of the time” argument. At his other home he has a mom, a dad, a big sister, and a little brother. At our house he has a dad.
Was I selfish in believing and arguing that the different family dynamics didn’t matter? In saying that he doesn’t need to be with his baby brother as often as his mom believes he does? In declaring that having me the majority of the time is just as important as having any of them?
I don’t know.
But in the end, parents who really love their kids do what’s best for their kids, no matter how bad it sucks for themselves.
Sigh.
It’s times like this that the suckiness of divorce really hits home. Times when, because you do love your kid , you end up getting to see a lot less of him.
I just have to have faith that two things are true.
First, we’re dealing with now, not forever. As he grows and ages, things might change and it might be better for him to be with me during the school week.
Second, seeing less of him doesn’t mean that things are all that different from how they necessarily would be. I mean, they may be at first, but as kids age the truth is that they need their parents less and less. Friends become a big part of their life. They start doing the majority of their schoolwork on their own. They get their own extracurricular time-consuming activities. And, they become more or less independent.
I just don’t know if I’m ready to concede to it all. I don’t know if I’m ready for life to change on me.
I don’t know if I’m ready for my kid to grow up just yet.
I don’t know if I’m ready for my kid not to need me the way he always has.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Has school starting been difficult for any of you as parents? How have you worked it out? Have you felt trapped between what you want and what you feel is best for your kid?
"Of course, there was the argument that really frustrated me more than anything. The “it’s better for him to have a complete family the majority of the time” argument. At his other home he has a mom, a dad, a big sister, and a little brother. At our house he has a dad." I feel this is sort of a sick notion. A single Dad family not complete!?! How silly. But then you didn't really ask for my opinion, did you?
Noah's family is just as complete when he's with you as it is when he's with his mother. In my opinion, to think otherwise is demeaning to everyone involved. Two ways to look at it: 1. Two separate, but still complete families; 2. Still one family with the same total number of people, just some in one location and some in another. There are probably other ways to look at it also.
I am twice divorced with 2 kids per marriage. My teen girls live 50-50 at both houses, and I just have to say how much it sucks!! I wish I could go back and have them stay at one house Sunday-Thursday night so their weeks would be better and more manageable. I can not tell you how many times we have had to trek to the other parent's place to pick up something forgotten, or a half-done project we have no clue how to finish, or a textbooks, or a uniform/spirit shirt/pants/shorts/shoes, etc. I started having to write it down in a day planner and read it every morning to know where to go, who to pick up, what event/practice, to go to. It is exhausting for the kids too-at one point one of my daughter's asked for a calendar like mine to hang up so she could figure out where she was going to be. I also found that, depending on the child, kids have a harder time trying to "visit" with one parent one the same day they sleep at the other parent's house. Thank God it is different with my boys and they stay in one house for most of the week! I don't even call my boys when they are at their Dad's, b/c one of them will then cry and beg to come back to me, and I don't want to ruin Dad's time with them. It's not fair to Dad so I just text him for updates, and if they are doing something he will text me a picture of the boys here and there. Advice for the parent: as you adjust to your new schedule make an effort to stay busy and not mope over missing the kid(s). Volunteer, work, join a gym, whatever! Pretty soon it will become "normal" and you will be able to handle the schedule.
I too agree that time with Dad is more important the the "whole family" thing. I'm just recently separated from my wife and have 3 beautiful boys ages 4,10,13. In talking with the my older boys, what they said was most important was "one on one time with dad". I think the idea of picking him up from school and spending the afternoon with him is awesome and very important. Youre too good of a dad to become a weekend dad.
As a child of divorced parents, I really appreciate your love for your son. There are times I can point out in my life where I know my father did not make the choice that was best for me because of his own selfish motives. We do not have much of a relationship now, but know that your son can feel your love and will miss you too. He knows you pick him and he has so many great people in his life to choose him and at the end of the day that's what's best for him. Thanks for this post, Dan. Good Luck with everything.
thank you for your post.. it is a lot of insight that others who have not gone through the pain and suffering may never even imagine.. please continue to share your experiences.
I think that Noah will be very touched when he is old enough to read about his amazing dad's struggles and progressions to keep him happy and give him the best life he can have.
I hate the argument people use about "whole families" so I'll admit that argument hit a nerve, as a kid I never looked at my parents as more or less because of the other people in their houses.. sometimes I needed to be the only child with my dad, I needed to feel important and not lost in the new family. I know from your previous posts he has a great step-dad, but he will always need you to feel like his family is whole. As far as stability for school goes, I think you guys are right in trying to make every day routines as "normal" as possible during school, even though it's hard.. I also agree with other posters that if you can work it out with his mom, you picking him up from school a day or two a week and bringing him home to moms house, is also a good thing.. it will be hard for Noah to not get as much time with you as well. Oh and just because he's at mom's house during the week doesn't mean you can't volunteer in the class room, in all reality you will probably have more time for that than she will as you don't have other children to provide care for while you are volunteering.
So you weren't asking for advice, but there it is.. In my experience as a kid and as an adult who has been in this situation, change is hard, but with it will come many new opportunities if you stay open to them.
My son started school last year and we had to also adjust our schedules to accommodate him being at one house for the school week because we do not live close enough to go back and forth. I was the one that had to cut down my time with him. It was a hard year, but it really was the only option we had. I try to focus a lot on the fact that on the weekends at least I get the full day with him and I just have to make the most of what we have and appreciate the time we do have together. Best of luck to you, this definitely is the worst part of divorce. My son did great in school though and met lots of new friends, that helped.
I must say I have only been following for a few weeks and a little hap hazard at that. My daughter just turned three. Our 50 /50 custody has been a tough go for both her mother and I. Especially me. I feel for you and understand what a difficult place that is going to be sending him to school with his mother. However difficult this new arrangement is going to be remember he knows that you were there at every turn for the first few years of his life. That in itself is the greatest thing any father can do for his child. While he is in school now he knows his father will be right there waiting to hear about every memorable moment of his time in school. Be thankful too that Noah's mother and you do have some communication ability.
This is so hard, and my heart is with you. My son actually moved to another state to live with his dad when he was nine. Almost killed me. He came back his senior year in high school and is, today, one of the most wonderful human beings I know. His upbringing, however weird and unconventional, helped to make him who he is. Just remember, it's not always where you are, but WHO you are. Be there for him no matter what. Be sure he can always call you. Never say anything negative about his other family. Love him. He'll turn out great.
HUGS!!!! I am right there with you. Sharing the children is hard and heartbreaking at times. But, like you said, it is what is best for the child that counts. It is why I am here in this town instead of someplace else that I much rather be. Because it is best that my son gets to see his dad as much as he can. It is times like this that I wish his dad and I were compatible, but we must move on. Being happy is also best for the children.
Kudos to you Dan and your ex-wife in trying to work out what's best for Noah. I don't think the plan you landed on gives you the opportunity to have the best Dad relationship you can with Noah. I agree with @lilasaid "that relationship is with YOU...Dan...not a symbolic dad but you, you, you....not what you represent or don't represent." I personally think that having a schedule (every week, every 2 weeks) would provide enough structure for Noah without you having to give it all up for him to be at his other "home" during the school year. I'm not sure of your living proximity to one another (i.e, within the same school district) but you may want to consider every week or every 2 weeks at each house. Others have commented on how well that has worked out for them. Wishing you the very best in this trying, emotional time.
Please don't let your ex or anyone discount YOUR role your have in Noah's life. NO ONE can teach him to be a man EXCEPT YOU! NOT HIS STEPDAD EITHER. no matter how good of a "dad" he is to Noah. YOU are around. You are in his life. You are not dead. You are still alive. So YOU should be the one to teach him how to be a man, NO ONE else. Good luck to Noah in the fall in Kindergarten.
I hated sending my oldest to kindergarten!!!! I had been there for almost every second of his life and I did NOT want to relinquish that control and involvement to anyone else!!!! It broke my heart. This week he is hiking the uintahs and I still feel the same way. He was truly afraid I would drive out there, hike up the mountain, and chase him around with sunscreen and calcium supplements. He's thirteen.
As a kid from a divorced family, I felt like a yo-yo between my parents, that I didn't have any solid ground to live on, constantly in a state of flux, and we didn't even do the 50/50 split. The fact that you are thinking about what is best for Noah warms my heart. I don't see it as you conceding to you ex, but as really loving on your son. Most parents are so focused on what they want and not what is best for the kid. And, just because he will be there during the week doesn't mean that you can't be a part of his life during the week as well. I would suggest working it out so that you are free to see him during the week, helping him with homework and whatnot, and show up to every possible school event you can. Just prove to him that you are going to be there for him no matter where he lives, that this is no big deal because dad is still around, still loves him.
I think the few people need to stop judging Noahs Mom in this.. its between her and Dan, and isnt up to us to comment on who is right/wrong, Hes sharing his feelings, not asking for advice in his situation..
Yes. My kids spend one week with their dad and one week with me. We each drive the kids to school. The drive is so worth the payoff. I always have them on Wednesday evening (kung fu) and he always has them on Tuesday (scouts). It works well and the kids know what to expect. Any school download is done on Friday. The schools also know the situation so they communicate with both of us. You can do it!
Glad you all got this figured out for now, but make sure you have something in writing stating it doesnt always have to be that way. He will need YOU, and not his stepdad or mother, more in the coming years as he goes through Jr. High, High School. Dad needs to teach him the ways of being a good man.
yes
My daughter's boyfriend's parents did something extraordinary when they divorced--something that not everyone can afford to do but which I think is optimal if the family CAN afford it: they let the children stay put and the ADULTS moved in and out every other week. Each set of adults had their own "other" home, and THEY moved back and forth, not the kids. THEY are the ones who had to deal with forgetting something at one house or the other. THEY had to deal with trying to remember which day it was so they would know which house to go to. THEY are the ones who had to be inconvenienced. It provided an enormous amount of stability and put the onus for the discomfort where it belongs. I realize that most families can't afford this option, but that's too bad.
You have your whole life to live and have a relationship with your son and that relationship with have its ebbs and flows, its ups and downs. Enjoy what you have, and don't stress over what you think you don't have. Love doesn't have any restrictions and it doesn't depend on any days of the week.
Single Dad Laughing Anyways, just hang in there! Try not to make a big deal out of it. Just try some different things and see how Noah reacts and what works best for HIM. Best Wishes ;)
Single Dad Laughing I've never been through this, so I'm not sure how to answer. But I would agree on the week with you, week with her thing.... as long as Noah does fine with it. Also this way seems would be good for both parents because you'd both know what was going on in school and what he was learning. I'm excited... but not, for school to start this fall! I've got 4 and tho I'm married I'm pretty much a single parent. I took on a position at the school ill be sending kids too, so I can pay for them to go there and it requires a couple hours after school everyday. I'm worried about doing homework and dinner and everything else that has to be done by myself!
We switch off 50/50 here, my two older kids switch every Sunday at 3. It is extremely stressful, I know i do the best that I can to make sure to share information, and we let the teachers know, so they email us both and send home two of what they can. I applaud you for making sure that what is best for your son comes before you, no matter how much it sucks. my kids have a "complete" family at each home, and for a while, I was extremely jealous of hearing all the great things about their stepmom, who is a stay at home mom. I kept it to myself, because it's my problem not theirs. They deserve to be happy, so that is what we try to give them. I do think it was a low blow on her part to throw the family dynamic in that argument, because as long as you can provide love and stability, there's no right family...
Dan, I'm sorry it's come to this. It's going to be a huge adjustment for everyone. But the good news is you and your ex-wife and her new family have a really good relationship. Is there any reason you can't stop over during the week to help with homework, look at school projects, etc? Your ex-wife's husband would have to accept that you'd be around more, kind of like an uncle to his own child than his wife's ex-husband. And you'd have to cede disciplinary matters that occur in their house to them. It wouldn't be easy but I bet you could all work it out.
@MaryKayeWaterson See, I don't care how good the relationship is between Noah's mother and Dan, I can't imagine her present husband agreeing to Dan's coming over during the week to help with homework or look at school projects. That's having the ex right in his house and, unless he's one very special kind of guy, he won't like it. I suppose it won't hurt to ask but don't be surprised if the answer is a flat out no.
Dan you don't have to give up quality time with you son. Just like you I work out of town while my ex does not work at all. Switch to a weekly schedule. I'm in a 50/50 physical split that has been going on for 2 years. My daughter is entering grade 3 this September and she could not be happier. Her school work has not suffered the slightest. The family thing is total bull$hit. I'm pretty sure of the tables were turned your ex would be singing a very different tune.
A TALE OF TWO FAMILIES...
I have a few perspectives to offer, but first I want to applaud you for putting Noah's needs before your own, but here's the thing...Noah does need you to be a solid, consistent and present part of his life. I have seen several sides of this story.
My best friend and her husband share 50/50 custody of her husband's four kids. They live 40 miles apart and the kids attend school in the other parent's district. During the weeks they have custody, they get up an hour early and drive the kids to and from school. Conventional - no...but it works. The kids spend one week at each house. The kids are very close to both their mom and their dad, and have forged a special relationship with both stepparents. Interesting to note that the parents have a very strained relationship and communication is poor, at best. Aside from being hard on the mileage - the kids get the stability their father/stepmom provide while getting the love their mother provides. These kids have had this arrangement for years, but currently their ages are 10/12/14/16. The point is....THIS CAN WORK, and since Noah is young, it wouldn't be a difficult transition.
My daughter, on the other hand, had both of her parents, full time and present in her life until she turned 11. She was "daddy's little girl"...the apple of his eye. Two years ago, her father decided to "move on to greener pastures"...Now, he sees her every Wednesday night and most every weekend. He takes her to expensive places, buys her expensive things and generally behaves like a "Disney" dad, spoiling her in every conceivable way.
My ex and I have excellent communication - and for the most part, we get along better than when we were married. I have primary custody, but I try to be very flexible regarding visitation and I'm always texting my ex regarding school functions and such. I may have personal issues with my ex, but I am always very careful never to criticize him in her presence. If I can't say something nice, I don't say it at all!
My 13 year old daughter complained to me one day "Dad thinks I'm his buddy, not his daughter." In another conversation, when discussing the idea that girls tend to find a boy more like their dad, she commented "I don't want someone like my dad, I want someone more like "Jack" (my boyfriend)." She has often commented how her dad has his "new family" and she's not apart of it. And now, when her dad visits his girlfriend, who lives out of town, my daughter finds every possible excuse NOT to go.
My personal situation is truly NOT what I think is best for my daughter - and it has really CRUSHED her that her dad doesn't have a significant role in her life. She has commented that she feels "abandoned" by her dad and she has lost respect for him. Furthermore, my daughter often complains of "living out of a suitcase" and gets very tired of constantly packing her stuff to go for two days. She commented that she doesn't really have a room at her dad's place, because she shares a bedroom with his office.
I guess my point, though I've been slow to get to it is that as parents you BOTH need to determine what is best for Noah. Be careful giving up your rights until you've explored ALL possible options. With good communication and lots of planning in advance, you can meet Noah's needs, while compromising to suit both of your families. Another important thing that I think often gets lost in the shuffle of co-parenting is that the kids need to be involved and a "voting voice" in the planning & scheduling process. Even at 5, Noah knows what he wants - and it's important that he get a vote. You will find that he is much more agreeable to "living out of a suitcase" if he feels like he has a choice in the matter!
I'm going to be having to go through the same thing next fall. My divorce isn't even final and my ex doesn't engage our daughter as much as I do yet he thinks that she should live with him during the week. I'm the one that takes her to doctor appts., goes to the school functions, the birthday parties, takes her to the library weekly, reads to her, teaches her about the world and how to treat people the right way. He teaches her how to materialistic and to follow strict rules. And really unless the mom is a crazy workaholic a child, especially a girl should always be with her momma.
DO NOT agree to that....the one thing i HATE is mothers using their child as a pawn and that sounds exactly like what she is doing it is NOT in Noah's best interest to loose quality time with you!! this shouldn't be a tricky decision or a debate...it should just be okay school is starting awesome! simple as that...nothing else should change....period....
I'm guessing you were paraphrasing when you wrote that the ex said he'd be better off in "a complete family." Because that sounds like hogwash. I was raised by a single mom (with my big brother) for the first ten years of my life. Saying a family is complete because it contains a "mom and dad and other kids" is not only BS but completely disrespectful to every other variation of families out there. Give me a break. Man, no offense, but that bothers me a lot. I hope you have your son 50/50. That's what best for your kid: having his father.
My first thought on reading your blog today was that there is no such thing as one "complete family" in this day and age. You and Noah together make a complete family. You know that. Your selfish ex-wife knows that. It's SO UNFAIR of her to use that against you to get what she wants. Do you HONESTLY think that taking Noah away from you for the majority of each week is what's BEST for HIM? Have you asked Noah what he thinks about it?
My niece split with her son's father and they split the week up. Their son does fine in school and he loves spending equal time with both parents (or as equal as you can make a 7 day week). They've been doing this since he started school and he's 11 now. I seriously think you should rethink and stand up for yourself (and Noah) more. Do it now before it becomes more difficult to change.
One more thing - you know how flexible children are. They live more in the moment than we adults do and he'll think whatever is worked out for him is what's normal for him (and he'll be correct). Living part time at each place every week won't make his schoolwork suffer if no-one lets it.
I've been there. I went from being there for my girls every day to only getting to see them two days a week. My ex lives in a better school district and we are fortunate enough that his parents watch them when he is at work. I hate it. But...its what's best for my girls. Also...kids don't stop needing their parents....ever...its just differently.
"The 'it’s better for him to have a complete family the majority of the time' argument" is complete BS. Sounds like his mom is trying to convince herself that is true more than anything. There are plenty of complete families out there doing a fine job of screwing up people. Family is what you make of it. Your time with your children is what you make of it. Regardless of your relationship status.I have shared custody of my 3 daughters and have them every other week. From my house, our daily drive to school is a 75 mile round trip. It is not easy on them or me, but it is where we live and what we have to do. Just because something else is easier, doesn't mean it is better. They go to their mom's house after school, but I still go over their homework with them when we get home. Once, the youngest had kindergarten homework that had stumped her mother and her husband for the whole afternoon.. Their mom told me she didn't understand the instructions and couldn't figure it out. Bear in mind, the woman has a degree in adolescent counseling, a Masters in Elementary education, a Masters in School adminstration, is a cetified elementary and special education teacher, a middle school vice principal and is a nationally board certified teacher. I got home, looked at the homework sheet, ask my youngest one to tell me about what she learned about that day, and she completed the assignment correctly in less than 5 minutes.I realized long ago that the greatest thing I will ever be in life, will be my kids' dad.
Dan, I hate that you feel like you have to be the bigger person and give up time with Noah to make him flourish. Please don't agree to that arrangement- as Katherine stated before me, there are other ways around this. My husband's niece and nephew resent their father and think that he had little to no interest in their lives due to a primary living arrangement with their mother and stepfather. You never know how a kid will end up thinking or learning, but I believe that it is very important to have both parents around equally. A blessing about your blog is that when Noah gets older, he will be able to read your thoughts, feelings, and reasoning behind making the choices you've made. I have a hard time believing that the two parents that made a joint Disney trip happen can't find a creative way to time share.
your son is very fortunate to have both of you so active in his life. My ex walked away when I left and never looked back. He was the big loser as he died when our youngest was 17. He will never get the chance to know the wonderful people they are.
@Bobbi Mitchell-Gore. The bible talks about ordinary saints and what you and your husband are doing to take care of your ex husband is amazing.. Dan, as a child of a custody split i choose to live with my mom BUT that didnt stop my dad from coming over during the week to see me or take me to dinner. My dad has always been there for me and i perfer spending time with him over my mom now.
That's exactly it Charlie Brown! My ex is an every-other-weekend "dad" and sometimes doesn't even show up for that small amount of time! I sometimes wish he would go away. It is very hard being a single parent, trying to be mom and dad as well as cook, clean, make lunches, go to activities, walk the dog, play Lego, etc., but I wouldn't trade it for anything!! Good luck Dan- don't sweat the small stuff cause it doesn't matter in the long run :)
Having been the stepparent in a relationship like this, I have some experience with joint custody. 50/50 can still work. The argument about one family vs. another is unfair and frankly bogus. He needs both. In as close to similar amounts as possible. There are all kinds of alternative parenting schedules - you can find examples of parenting plans with varying schedules on the internet. The transition between home and school happens best when one parent drops the child off at school and the other picks them up in the afternoon evening. It allows that transition period to be less impactful. I have a good friend who is able to make this work with 1/2 a week each and alternating weekends and her daughter is well-adjusted. In the end, it's about what you can make feel stable for him. But I completely disagree that one home and family is best. Completely. Consistency matters but it can be found in more than one arrangement.
Nothing to add to the conversation, just wanted to give you a virtual hug. It's not easy to let go of a child for any reason, but when doing what is best for the child is the choice, then the choice is right. And you're right, as he gets older, his friends become more important, but try to plan on having him over the holidays and summers. Make those special for both of you. Hugs again.
My parents had us for one week at a time which seemed to work well enough for us. We'd switch over every Friday after school and were allowed one plastic crate of stuff that went between houses (for stuff like cub/scout uniforms, stuffed animals and so on.)
The only problem I have come across really is having to be in two different places at the same time. My oldest son starts 4 th grade at one school, and my two younger sons start K and 2nd at another. Sometimes I wish I had a co-parent of sorts. Their Mother is nowhere to be found. Then again, with a co-parent comes all the problems of two adults who can't get along who generally act like 4 year olds fight over a toy.
Hey Dan, you mentioned homework in preschool. Wow! What kind of homework does he have in preschool?
My ex and I do 4 days a week with me and 3 days with him so my ex's time doesn't impact their school week that much but it's still close to 50/50. If you son spent Sun.-Weds. night with his mom and Thur.-Sat. night with you, it might be giving up on your personal time (weekends) but it still keeps a close to 50/50 arrangement while still maintaining the premise that the bulk of the school week is at mom's.
As far as the "full family"...don't forget that relationship is with YOU...Dan...not a symbolic dad but you, you, you....not what you represent or don't represent. As your son gets older, you will start to understand that differently and really value the time alone that you can utilize to build your bond. I try to make a periodic point of spending time alone with one of my sons because most of the time, it's the 3 of us. When you do create that time with just the two of you, as they get older, the conversations you have start to change or just the comfort of the evening shared is something that is only created because you guys took the time to be alone. It's really special and it's difficult to deepen the connection when there are a bunch of other people around...for that aspect of single parenting and being single, I am grateful and as your son gets older, both of you will learn to perceive your time alone as a wonderful asset rather than a detriment.
We do 50/50 here. He switches homes every Friday. The switch is made at school. I drop him off Friday morning, he rides the bus to Dad's that day, Dad has him for a week, he rides bus to school Friday, I pick him up. He's going into 2nd grade. During breaks (like now) I pick him up from Dad's Friday morning, next Friday morning Stepmom picks him up from my house. It's how it's been since he was 4. Before that I had him more. I'm not going to lie, there have been tough days. Like when I pick him up from school during Dad's week to take him to the dentist, it confuses him. But I think it would be tougher if he had uneven amounts of time. He knows. He counts the days. If he doesn't get 7 days with each parent he wants to know why and he wants you to fix it. We shuffle days occasionally for special events, and we each get a 2week block for vacation. If those days don't get evened out he loses it.
In the end, yes, you do what it best for the child and only you(and his mom) know your child well enough to know what works best for him.
@Bobbie Mitchell-Jore : What SAINTS you and your current husband are to take your ex in like that! It will be good for the kids to get to spending quality time with him. They will remember that for a lifetime. My prayers are with you all! ❤^i^ And Dan, Noah is a lucky little people to have such AMAZING parents! This to shall pass & you will all come out better people. ;-)
I don't see why you need to give up any time. If you're worried about shuffling back and forth (and some kids are more sensitive to this), then alternate weeks. 7 days with you, 7 days with her. I think her comments are BS about a "complete" family. That's wrong and unfair of her and she should be ashamed, quite honestly. Since my husband left me when my daughter was 8 months old, he has added a wife, and soon a baby. I would be furious if someone were to suggest my daughter would be better off with him because it was a "complete family". She's just using whatever she has in her arsenal to get her way. When a father is involved like you are, and you live close by, I see absolutely no reason it should not be 50/50.
Does she run a page called "Single Mom Not Laughing?" That's definitely how I feel when talking to my ex.
By the way Dan, My daughter lived with her dad and my other daughter lived with me. So both parents have the opportunity to share responsibilitys with both. Just make sure that home schooling isnt a isolated and no social skilz cause this is were stuff goes wrong. Especially tweens/teens it can get ugly.
Preschool/kindergarten cake! But you just wait..big surprises ahead when Jr High/High School/College you totally rethink this one. Those youth/young adult are the most heart wrenching. No doubt about it. So suck it up now its easy cause there is no exhale later you will hold your breath the whole entire time.
I had to change cities for work when my son was just starting Grade 11. His Dad and I had shared custody of him and his older sister since we split 4 years ago. But the boy didn't want to leave - his school, his friends, his girlfriend (!). So I had a choice of staying put and passing up on a possibly once-in-a-lifetime job, or moving away, leaving my son full-time with his Dad. I chose to leave. I see him now a couple of days every two weeks or so. It breaks my heart to be missing out on those golden moments of his final years of high school. But I have to know that he is seeing his mother following her dream and living her life and will soon do the same himself.