Yay! We made it to the last day of my “everybody get off your butt and be healthy” rant.
Today though, I don’t want to talk about anything I’ve learned in my journey to get healthy. I want to expound on Tuesday’s post and confess to having slipped away from that thinking in a major sort of way last month.
Like I mentioned on Tuesday, I’m still trying to learn that the journey to health is not something that’ll happen overnight. With my old and still very real body image issues, along with my past eating disorders, I still get sucked into dangerous ways of thinking from time to time.
I’m not the skinniest I’ve ever been in my life, but right now I’m definitely the healthiest. Most days I love looking in the mirror and seeing the progress I’m making. Some days, I look in the mirror and see only disgustingly fat hideousness.
I just figured that was part of the process and that I’d always get over it. Certainly seemed to be the case any time it happened. But then one day in May, I looked in the mirror and for some reason got so discouraged that my body wasn’t “there” yet, that I called and setup a consultation appointment at a local liposuction clinic that was selling state of the art fat-sucking for a really “good deal!”
Just my lats, I told myself. For years, I have been very self-conscious of my flabby lats, which I feel are constant reminders of my days as a larger man. Even at my skinniest, my lat-wings were there, taunting me with their permanency.
On top of that, I have a good medical reason to get my lats sucked out. The fat pushes into my armpits at night and cuts off the blood flow to my arms. Several times every night I wake up with dead arms, and without fail it’s because of my lat fat. Too much information, I know.
Just know that I had a lot of ways to rationalize a little lipo, and those were the two biggest.
A day later I was convinced it wasn’t just a good thing to do, it was a necessary thing to do, and I couldn’t wait for the appointment.
By the next day, I was starting to find rationalizations for why my gut needed to be sucked out as well.
By the next day I had added my chest to the mix.
By the next day, I was worried about looking disproportionate, so I decided I needed to have my back and lower abdomen done as well.
The next day my chin and neck entered the picture.
And, wondering just what it would take to get it all done, I called the clinic. “Oh yes, we can do all that in one afternoon.” They then gave me a price that was pretty reasonable.
And I got more attached to it. A week later when I went for my appointment, it wasn’t a question of “if.” It was a question of “when.” And if the “when” could have been that day, I would have said “let’s go for it.”
In one week’s time I had gone from feeling pretty great about my progress, to feeling like I had to have every ounce of fat sucked out of me RIGHT THEN AND THERE, NO THINKING REQUIRED.
And as I sat across the desk from the lady telling me why it would be the best thing I could ever do, I suddenly panicked.