The Great White Shark.
It weighs more than two tons. It has 230 sharp, flesh ripping teeth. It can attack its unsuspecting prey with stealth and incredible speed. Man and animals alike fear the Great White, and for a reason. It’s a killer.
But sometimes I feel bad for Great White Sharks. I mean, they don’t know that they are what they are. They don’t know that they are horrible, scary, hurtful, dangerous fish. They just think they’re fish, and they just do what they instinctually do to survive. They don’t think about it first. They don’t plot and scheme. Their biggest crime is getting hungry and handling it the only way they know how. And unfortunately, sometimes people get caught in their crosshairs.
We haven’t done much to help the Great White Shark. Spielberg put a horribly murderous face onto the species. He gave us all a monster to hate and loathe and fear. One that could (and would) attack anyone at any moment. One that acts not out of instinct, but out of aggression. Hollywood, and the world, has only engorged those ideas ever since.
Who cares? They’re just sharks right?
Maybe.
I think some people are like Great White Sharks.
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Sharks are interesting creatures. Did you know that they could live forever? Usually what ends up killing a shark though is another smaller shark. They get too big, and too slow to compete with the younger faster sharks. How does this apply to what you are writing about? Well, the only way to challenge a shark, is to be a shark. I am not advocating being a shark all the time, but rather just be a shark when it is necessary. At one point in my life I might have been considered a shark, but not in the way that most people would think. I used to have a lot less common sense, very little social skills, and a very know it all attitude. I used to make people feel stupid within minutes of meeting me. I am not saying that I don't do this any more, however I know that I do it a lot less. These days, when I find myself confronted with a shark, I wait for them to attack, and then I become the smaller quicker shark. I insult them right back. I question their reasoning behind the hurtful words. I will even go to the point of making them feel stupid. And then I am nice to them. This is how I go for the kill. They all of a sudden find them self in an environment that is new to them, not unlike a fish out of water. They don't know how to respond to someone being nice to them, especially when they were just attacked by that person. Granted this doesn't always work. But when it does, it is worth it, because I have tamed a few sharks in my past, and some of these sharks have become friends.
@RyanCarter1 It is absolutely appropriate to be a bold, creative and firm in your response to a shark at times. However, what you described is manipulative, controlling, enabling, mean spirited, never appropriate not to mention confusing and exhausting. Regardless of the "friendship" developed when in those few times is appear to work. The damage done to your integrity and the other person feeling enabled is never worth it. It has been my many years of successful experience in business, family, personal training that you never give manipulation any attention.
@DanielBurgess @RyanCarter1 is it manipulation to use reverse psychology on a child? To trick them into experiencing a possible consequence of their immature action so that they can rethink taking that action? No.You're advocating what would amount to ignoring a child when they misbehave. This is no different. People don't exist in a vacuum where finding work-arounds to their psychological state and needs and learning are unacceptable and irrelevant, and ignoring behavior makes it go away. That's just a selfish way of making your life easy, while patting yourself on the back and saying oh didn't I do the mature thing. Sharks are sharks for a reason, just as everyone is who they are for a reason. If we have to adapt to them, they should also have to adapt to us. A more intelligent response is to try to understand others in order to work with them. In my many years of extensive and successful experience with humans, the behavior of a person isn't a predictor of their correctness, and whether someone is right/wrong often has nothing to do with their behavior.
@DanielBurgess I must be missing something here, so correct me if I am wrong. Anything I do that could potentially cause a response from another person that is what I want them to do, as opposed to what they would naturally do, is manipulative, even if it is for the betterment of humanity? Hm, how is that people ever get elected then? I could point out hundreds of instances where political figures manipulated people into voting for them. The assumption that people are dumb, and unable to make decisions for themselves is wrong. However, I operate on the principle that I do not know everything. Because of this, I am fairly confident that no other person knows everything either. Does this mean that I should have to explain my actions to an adult, or a shark, or anyone for that matter, before I engage them as a human being? I operate from a different perspective. I have a fairly solid belief system in which the end justifies the means. If a person disagrees with this, then they must question themselves about what they believe about war, crime, religion, politics, social structures, and many other things. The bottom line, without writing a huge reply, is that I do not do things so it only benefits me. In fact I have "manipulated" people without any benefit to myself many times in the past. The foundation for my belief system is that I avoid actions that are corrupt and extreme, or could be corrupting or extreme, with an exception when responding to things of a corrupt or extreme nature. The end goal is balance, which is easiest to achieve when a person is able to establish relationships of trust and respect with those things, especially people, around them.
I must ask another question before concluding: Criticizing a person for having a solution is one thing, but in all honesty have you ever found a solution to a situation like this that works towards the benefit of another person or group of other people as a whole? Many times in my life I have found my solutions criticized, and then adopted because there was no other single better solution. This does not always mean that I am "right," just that I am doing something, even if it is perceived as "wrong." Refer back to your thoughts on war, crime, religion, social structures and those other things.
@Aignacio Interesting, and good questions however, I believe you might have read more into my post then was actually said. But lets address your points. First, reverse psychology is NOT manipulation. However, if you are "tricking" as appose to teaching them (not the same), then you are manipulating. Which I never advocate for children or adults, very damaging. Second, it is never my responsibility to trick adults into positive behavior, ever. To the degree you think you can is controlling. As for your children you loving teach them without trickery and manipulation. Third, I never said anything about ignoring children or adults. Ignoring behavior and giving it no attention are two completely different things. The first is irresponsible, the second is and should be a loving attempt to praise the positive and give the good behavior attention.
As a probable GWS, family dynamics playing a great role ... but also family genetics. I have one son that has been diagnosed as autism spectrum and through the education on how best to deal with him and his learning styles ... I am likely and many of my natal family are at different levels. Those of us that are more spectrum, tend to not be very socially or emotionally intelligent. Give us something to do, we would love to help. Ask us to listen and empathize, we will get bored and disengage. And probably not be very nice about it. None of them are actively seeking destruction, and more socially adept spouse has certainly helped. With a similar family tendency to depression, I rarely have the energy to lift people up. I am barely keeping my own "head" above water, but those from the outside see a smooth sailing. And if I have been held up for years as the favorite child by parents now needing emotional support, the one getting things right ... there has not been the level of communication to indicate otherwise.
@Crystal, I hope that you find a way to love yourself... your reply prompted me to send you a little love. It's one thing to be a shark and not care, and it's another to try to undo years of training and damage. I wish you luck on your journey.
My step father is the "great white" type. I have described him as a volcano. He is big and I respect him for his wonderful ability to shock and awe, but you can't live around a volcano very long without getting burned. I don' have much contact with him except for the little family gatherings my sister and cousins still try to organize. He honestly doesn't understand what he does or why he does it. He is a product of childhood abuse and truly loves me in his own way. However, the pain he inflicts upon my life is so extremely bad that I have chosen to just avoid him. If I could choose to no longer have any contact with him I would, but I can't without choosing to have very little contact with my half-siblings, so I smile through the birthday parties and only speak when spoken to which is not much. He is like the great white circling our group that is floating in a dingy that is slowly sinking. We never know when he will strike, but we try to protect the grandchildren at all costs and learn as much as we can about why he does what he does. The more I learn about him, the more discouraged I become that he will ever really change. He has had trauma in his childhood, but there is also some people in my family that think he may have a mental illness. For me, it really doesn't matter anymore as he has made it pretty clear that I have crossed his line of no return. Trying to love someone that only operates on instinct is very hard. My step-father doesn't think about what he does until he is TOLD he did something hurtful and then he is full of excuses and blame. If people don't accept their behavior and acknowledge that anything is wrong, it is very hard to change. I do feel sorry for him and that he will be alone most of his life, but then again, he says he actually prefers it that way. Maybe these great whites are just being who they are born to be and we are the morbid thrill seekers that choose to risk life and limb to include them into our lives? I think I'll just stay on dry land and watch Shark Week.
I've had a few Great Whites in my life. I don't know if I attract them specifically or what. What I do know is I swam away, and it has been so much better for me.
My mum was a GWS. I say was mainly because we don't live together...I mean after spending my first 20 years in the same house I even wanted to change continents. I decided just from South to North of Europe should be enough.
Weird thing is all my life I really thought she was being mean and verbally abusive and evil and stuff...it was really hard to realize she didn't know better. It really was how she was raised, and it was her survival mechanism being this way. You see she was raised by two GWS. She was not aware of what she was doing .
On the other hand, when it was my turn to become someone I decided I did not want to be like her. Maybe it is just who I am, but I like the idea of trying to be kind to people. Then again I give my love (not to be confused with falling in love) easily, I give people second chances, but when that isn't respected, I suppose I have a limit.
As for my mum, yeah she's family so whenever I am in my home country I try to communicate with her. I also create limits as to when she starts talking overly offensive ( to be read like a GWS) I kindly ask her to stop or change conversation or else I say bye bye :) It works with minimum scratches and bites!
I seem to *be* a great white shark. I don't know why. I try to be nice to people & show empathy, but it never seems to work. To borrow from a book title, "it's so much work to be [someone's] friend." If I didn't know better I'd swear I had Asperger's or something. Single Dad got one part of the analogy wrong, though. He said that sharks grow up to have baby sharks that do the same thing. Well, this shark ain't reproducing. How do you have baby sharks when no one even wants to be around you, let alone get intimate with you?
I have known great white sharks and shed them. What kind of example would I be to my son if I allowed bullies to be an ongoing part of my life?
I do, and much like the shark in Jaws all means justify shark ends. The blood in the water is when he starts to smile, gets his joy.
You don't "deal" with them at all. You don't tell them you love them, you don't even go out of your way for them. This is equivalent to enabling their behavior. However, whenever they come around inquiring, in need or just to visit. You fully accept them without judgement. BUT the moment they become the "shark". Walk away politely, quietly, and without excuses. To the degree you deal with the crazy behavior you enable it.
If my experiences and observations of people's actions throughout their lives has taught me anything, it is that very few people ever know what they are doing.
My ex was my great white shark. I have a few others (who shall go un-named) but my ex really fits the bill. Do I care why he is/was the way he is/was? NO. I really don't care what caused him to be so hurtful and hateful. I am just glad that I am away from him and can no longer be hurt by him (and he can no longer find me).
Read about Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic PD. bpdcentral.com is a useful site that may help. See if you recognize your shark there....
The moral compass of the world is helter skelter. Sharks don't seem to view their actions as "wrong." Afterall, whom we deem a shark is a matter of our own perception and judgment.... I'm grateful for the sharks in my life; I will always be aware of how I speak to others, my expectations of others and of the well being of others around me. Life is short, I don't want to spend it with my head up a sharks' butt ;)
I think.. I'm probably the great white shark in my life. I can be aggressive, angry, dangerous to set off. I've learned to control it better over the last couple years, and I have been lucky to have a few people in my life that love and care about me enough that I have a few places (even just emotional ones) I can go to feel safe enough that I don't feel the need to attack. I don't make excuses.. I'm working on the control thing, but I noticed in the last year that I only get aggressive when I'm in a threatening situation. In the past it was lonely... now I have a few people that bothered to save the judgment and just get to know me. I still freak people out sometimes, but I just figure this is who I am.. I'm intense and passionate... I don't expect everyone to get that.
@AlecPlayer Good for you. Too many people cannot see the distinction between evil humans and sensitive humans who react strongly to threat. I find it hilarious that my actions are always honorable and fair even to my "enemies" but when I do the right thing (for them) people who don't know me look at me in shock because their ASSumption and expectation is that I'll do evil before I'll do fair. It's lovely when true friends develop, who understand, respect and appreciate you. Especially in an area where it seems everyone finds it easier to generalize and make assumptions about you, so they can feel better about themselves. Cheers-A
I am a great white shark. I have borderline personality disorder and it almost makes me unlovable. I do not set forth in my day to hurt or do the things I do. I speak my mind but my thoughts are in black and white. I'm acutely aware it's hard for people to get close to me and I spend many days hating myself for the person I am. I want to be loved but have spent my entire life, from birth until now, being abandoned. At first it was a coping mechanism for the things I endured in my childhood. Eventually it reworked my brain so that I react to things that I shouldnt and when my "smoke detector is going off because bacon is burning, it's still like my entire house is burning down" so I react extremely. I know some will say that we have control over who we are and how we act, but from a psychological standpoint, that's utter rubbish. I will spend the rest of my life trying to require my thought processes and will sadly, based on this disorder, never succeed.
I guess I've gotten to the point in my life where I feel like though I might understand why people are the way they are, and may even understand that if they could do better, they would, that doesn't necessarily mean I want to stay around them. I may understand their bad behavior, but my understanding doesn't excuse them. I bless them on their way, but I steer clear of sharks, black holes, and other folks who suck the life out of me. I'm over the idea that I'm going to save people from themselves; it's quixotic at best, and arrogant at worst. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do, for others and ourselves, is to swim on by. We are as deserving of our own compassion as anyone else.
@KristieCunningham I'm completely with you. I don't feel that they are my responsibility, and neither do I have to endure bad treatment.
Really, who CAN'T relate to this post??? We all have them...people that are either slightly toxic at times, or completely over the top. I've taken the "be kind but don't pursue them" road with people like this, and I'm much less likely to be hurt. I'm not sure it's the right way, but it feels peaceful.
I just shared the link to this on my wall. It made me wonder, do those "shark-people" really understand. Thanks for creating that question in my mind. I hadn't considered it.
People are responsible for their own behavior. If they choose to lash out at others they have to take the consequences of it. These are the same people who refuse to take responsibility for their own emotional states and always blame others. They will not see it if you try to point it out to them. You can pity them, but you can't change them.
Firstly please stop being so popular because it makes it impossible to finish your posts without being kicked off the site! Secondly, there's an idiot who gets too much press, who wants to kill all the sharks and is regularly treated as an expert... It's their environment, not ours- cut them a break! Third... I avoid so many than I'm left with very few people in my life which isn't always spectacular... And... Oh forget it, a kookaburra just flew off with my daughter's little red boat I'm not sure she will think that's funny...
Sounds way too much like a member of my wife's family and how he treats the children in his home. Your comparison to a great white shark was frighteningly accurate, and I fear he's just creating little sharks in his home. Moreover, one of them is approaching his teen years and I wouldn't be surprised if he grew into a big enough shark to challenge Papa Shark for supremacy. Which is why I'm very cautious about letting my child swim in that particular pool.
I spend a lot of my time online in a self harm chatroom -- and of course with so many hurt people gathering together, we definitely have our share of Great White Sharks. There's one in particular I'm thinking of, and I'm proud to say I've been able to take the time to nurture that beauty within her, especially lately. I don't know if it's made any difference to her, and I notice that she actually hits out at me more often than others -- though I have a theory that she's testing me when she does that, so that she can prove to herself that the nice things I say aren't sincere, even though they are.I think most of the GWS we get in our room know that they're Great Whites, but they don't know how to change that. What they see is that they are fundamentally flawed and worthless and that nobody will ever like them; they see/believe that they cannot change the way they respond to the world even if they wanted to.
hm, ive never seen a self-harm chat room talked about anywhere but...well...a self harm chat room...cheers mate!
@HarmonyLHah, no worries *tips hat*Does "cheers mate" mean you're also a fellow Aussie or a Brit? :)
I've had to make peace with the fact that they are who they are and it is up to a being much greater and more perfect than myself to fix them. It's not my job to fix them. It's my job to love them in spite of themselves. I do stand up for myself with them when they try to snack on me, but I try very hard not to get embattled in being "right' with them. it's too exhausting.
How do you balance your compassion for the GWS and the need for living a healthy and safe life though? How do you set boundaries to allow for both especially when its family?
Great post Dan. Great White Sharks, bullies, same thing. But you make them out bigger than they really are. They are just bullies pure and simple. You can either stand up to them, or walk away. Adults should never submit to bullying. You are NOT required to be in their presence. Unless, they happen to be at your workplace. And this happened to me twice. My advice, find alternate employment quickly. And don't worry about them. What goes round comes around. If you have the love to give, by all means try, but I think you need to save some for your own loved ones. One thing about bullies, they come in all shapes and sizes. They don't need to tear flesh, they can be also passive aggressive, and tear bits of soul. Those are the most dangerous kinds...seemingly harmless, but cut deepest.
Maybe these peole are the way they are because they never learned about consequences when they were youngsters.
I was BFF with a GWS for 10 years. She was the matron of honor in my wedding, which is the only thing I regret about my wedding day. She argued about the dresses and called them "slut" dresses. She made a speech to me at the wedding and didn't even recognize my husband and she criticized my brother-in-law's speech, who spoke before her during her speech. She also borrowed money from my dad ($2,000) and never paid it back. Ironically, SHE was the one who decided to end the friendship, not me. I truly loved her and her kids and I still do.
I work with these middle schoolers. Sometimes it's them, their parents, and usually it's both. It's amazing how far love goes. And patience. I find that usually the longing for love is so strong that they are willing to do anything for it. Which is when someone needs to step in and help them realize, help them change.
I haven't read the comments yet... I DO feel sorry for the people in my life that are sharks. I feel very sorry for the people that are so harmful to others that other people have to get the hell away from them for their own safety... but here's my question, how can you possibly love someone unconditionally if they are willing to make you their next meal? How can you go tell someone that would rip you to shreds that you love and accept them?
I used to think it was my job to love the sharks. I spent my time with people who were physically and emotionally abusive, because I felt so sad for them. I thought I could give them the love they deserved, and if I got a little bit bruised in the process, that was okay. I was strong. I was kind. I was "good".
I don't think it does anyone any favors to give pity, because that's all I was giving. I didn't love the man that beat me. I cared about him, and I pitied him. I didn't believe anyone could love and accept him for who he was. I felt sorry for him. I can only imagine how crappy that kind of love (from me to him) would have felt.
If I was a shark, and I didn't know it, I wouldn't want people to risk being hurt by being around me. I would want the people I love to love themselves, and protect themselves, even if that meant they had to protect themselves against me. Even if that meant I was lonely and alone. If I can't protect them from me, I would hope they would protect themselves from me.
I've encountered quite a few of these in my life...and I have generally been able to deal with them quite effectively using the "Kill them with kindness" method. I just seem to have a knack for it. When I was doing social work, if ever there was a difficult client that couldn't get along w/ANY of the case managers, they'd reassign the case to me, and before they knew it, I was their new BFF! As a result, I ended up with the toughest caseload...but I didn't really mind because I do get a certain satisfaction in being able to win over the curmudgeons of the world! :)
on a funny note, when my son was about 4 yo he asked me why people didnt just get out of the water whenever the "shark music" playing. Think about it - every pop culture occurance of a shark is accompanied auditorily with "Da na. Da na. Danadanadanandana" (theme from Jaws). My son just automatically believed the sharks made the noise. I still laugh about it ten years later.
on a side bar, Peter Benchly wrote the novels before Spielberg ever made the movies. Benchley realized the huge disservice he did to Great White sharks in creating such wide spread fear of them. He spent the rest of his life as an advocate and educator to protect great white sharks. His cause is carried on by his wife Wendy and others since his passing.
I can admit that I was a great white shark (still am in a way) ... I was raised that way ... Although I still have a tendance to strike without warning I didn't want my daughter to be part of the cycle ... I was never a people person I didn't trust them and I had no problem chewing them up I didn't realize how mean I really was I just thought that it was honesty and whats wrong with honesty? Nothing but you can say it nicely ... It is possible to befriend or love a great white but you have to have patience and a thick skin to back them down ... My better 1/2 still backs me down sometimes but mostly I remain silent even when my mind is going a mile a minute ... I still tend to attack but only when I feel I'm threatened or if a great white is attacking the ones I love ... So I guess I'm more of a defensive great white now :0)
I was inseparable friends with one for a few years. I'm not sure if she knows she's a GWS, but she had figured out how to hide it enough to get close to at least one or two people at a time here and there. I also tend to be the kind of person who only wants to see the best in people (or at least I was, I think as I get older I get a little less naive, which is sad, but sometimes necessary, as in this case), so I didn't see her GWSness for a while. Eventually it wore itself out from under the thin veneer though, and once I started seeing it, I couldn't unsee it. I tried to be her friend even still for a while after I realized she was a GWS, but eventually I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to cut her out of my life. I feel bad for her because I don't think she has a lot of friends, and the ones she does have keep her at arm's length. She also does have a little one, whom I hope will have enough outside influence, from her other parent and various other role models at school and elsewhere, to stave off some of her GWS tendencies, but you know..the apple never falls far from the tree. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't keep her in my life. It was too painful and too insane, so I had to cut her off. I was honest with her about some of the move repugnant behaviors, but she refused to hear me. I imagine I'm not talked about particularly well in whatever circles she is still a part of, but that's ok.
@WendiByther This comment is somewhat GWS-ish to say. It's a shame to judge someone based on their parent's attitude and behavior, instead of having compassion for them. My mother is a GWS, and I have used her as an example of what NOT to be. I am kind, loving, generous, and thoughtful. I just wanted to stand up for us offspring of GWS's.
that was in response to your "apple never falls far from the tree," part. You judged that little girl and millions of people without warrent in one foul swoop.
I divorced mine. :)
I think for me, the key to dealing with those "Sharks" in my life, was to see them as a human with issues like the rest of us. I'd carefully plan out discussions with them, I'd schedule the talks, and definitely, I found that my relationship with these people did get better. So maybe being honest and kind helps sometimes. At least it does for me.
I taught at a child care center in Philadelphia. At this particular school, the demographics were depressing. Most of the children were in a poverty situation, so the government helped supply a "school lunch" program.
And the person in charge of lunch at our center was a woman named Rose.
My first day, I was told about Rose. "Avoid her if you can." I was told. "Just tell her the lunch count, and Lord help you if a kid comes in late." "She counts the ketchup packets to make sure we aren't stealing them!"
Rose lived up to the hype. Every morning, she burst into my room, not showing any remorse for interrupting my class of tiny students. "HOW MANY?" she'd ask, in a voice that betrayed her life-long addiction to cigarettes. For a few weeks, I did what I was told. But it felt so wrong.
One morning, she burst into my classroom. "HOW MANY?"
I made a choice that day. "Hello Rose. You know, I'd really appreciate it if you could help me with my class. We're practicing manners. Could you please show them how to knock before entering a room?"
Magically, Rose backed out of the room, closed the door quietly. And then she knocked. My class of 2 year olds all chimed, "Come in!" She entered, with a bewildered look on her face. "Hello Miss Rose!" said one of my more outgoing students, Chade. "Miss, Rose, it's so nice of you to visit us," I said, smiling. "Did you need something?"
"I...I need your lunch count."
(The part I never, to this day, understood, was that my class had at most seven children. Never could figure out why she didn't just count them through the window in my door?)
"Seven today. Did you need anything else?" I asked.
And then magic happened. Chade, that outgoing student, dashed across the room and gave Rose a hug. "Thank you for getting our lunch ready."
Rose smiled. And from that moment on, she never burst into my room the same way.
@MeganDunlapJarrett Megan, very groovy response to a difficult situation. Very thoughtful and considerate way to draw a boundary, to respect everyone ... you, the children, and Rose. Thanks for sharing.
@MeganDunlapJarrett Now here is an example of a good teacher. Never missing an opportunity to teach a lesson in a positive and constructive way no matter what the age. Bravo Ms. Jarret.
@CurtisBeauJackson @MeganDunlapJarrett
Love this story!!! Awesome way to get the point across....through the kids.