Okay, I’ve been doing better. I didn’t miss a single day of tweeting and Facebook status updating this month. Some of my updates I’ve knocked out of the park. Others were a serious swing and a miss. Here is the last month of randomness that the brain of Dan Pearce often is.
Oh, and if you’re not having fun with me on the non-blog side of life yet, join me! You can subscribe to my personal public Facebook (this is not my SDL page) updates here or Twitter here.
- “Went to the mailbox today and out dropped a giant dog turd,” said an 80 year old man at the store today. I offered him my ninja skills.
- What’s better? Seeing a live moose? Or getting a free bowl of Moose Tracks? For me, it’s sixes.
- Dear women of the world. I owe you an apology for not realizing how tough you are to use tweezers. Tweezing isn’t exactly a cake walk.
- I think my current favorite word in the English language is “cocklebur.” Such a villainous ring to it. You cocklebur.
- Fill in the blank. Nudity is _____________.
- I always thought purple was my favorite Gatorade because my friend loves it so much, but then I realized fruit punch is the bomb diggity.
- Supplements – n. Little pills that you spend a fortune on and pull out of your cupboard barely used years later.
- Noah… remember when we just barely bought you new shoes and I told you not to outgrow them for a while? You’re grounded for not listening.
- I want to get arrested just so that I can use the mugshot as my profile picture. I think I’ll put it on my bucket list.
- If you had to only read one magazine for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- True story: I woke up this morning naked and I can’t find the pajamas I was wearing when I went to bed.
- “I don’t care if you have sex. I just don’t wanna see you when you do.” ~said a random woman to someone on the phone today.
- Dead grass is kind of pretty. In a very ugly sort of a way.
- Obnoxious – adj. When someone pulls up next to you and their car radio drowns out your car radio.
- Any time I say something really stupid, I cover my ear and say to the offended person, “sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. I’m on bluetooth.”
- Last night I had a dream that my elbows bent the wrong way. It was very awkward.
- Why didn’t somebody tell me it takes more than a few weeks to get giant muscles BEFORE I committed to making myself healthy?
- Mom to her kid today: “Do you hear that sound? It happens every time I’m around you.” Kid: “I didn’t fart, Mom.”
- Anger. I think it’s about as useful as honey on a toilet seat.
- Apples are gross. There. I said it. Ooooh, that feels so good.
- “Pardon my ponch.” ~said me today. Unfortunately very seriously.
- Just a dab of awesomeness and a pinch of sweetness and a spoonful of sugar. There. We just made my grandma.
- Dear sir. You can wait 18 seconds for a urinal. #SomePeopleAreGross
- I can’t help but think the multi-color foam car washes would be a hundred times more fun if I was high.
- True story. I just saw two people at the park having a fight with deer antlers.
- Two cameras walk into a bar. The bouncer says, “hey no flashing in here.” Okay, that was cheesy.
- “If a mountain goat can do it. I can do it.” ~said nobody still alive.
- Noah just offered to trade me his dollar for two quarters. There’s gotta be a catch.
- “No way. That is not what we agreed on! You promised me Sesame Street!” ~said a lady on her phone at the bank.
- Grossest vegetable ever. GO! (If you didn’t say beets you need to do this exercise again).
- “Dad, ‘guilty’ isn’t a bad word, it just isn’t a fun word.” ~Noah
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. I warned you it was all very random. How about you? Do you have any random commentary on any of my random commentary?
PPS. We’ve had a lot of fun in the comments of these status updates. Join us! You can subscribe to my personal public Facebook (this is not my SDL page) updates here or Twitter here.