Is Facebook Hurting or Helping Your Love Life?

Facebook is the one thing my hubby and I agree on...it's a distraction, but, it's also a way that we BOTH keep in touch with friends and relatives we may not otherwise keep much contact with.  We occasionally waste too much time on it, but, neither of us is threatened by the time the other spends whiling away the hours playing games, perusing friends and contacts walls, chatting with friends (did I mention that both of us have best friends that are of the opposite sex??), and generally just messing around...We share interesting posts we find, the "OMG! DO WE REALLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO SAY STUFF THAT STUPID!??" (dear heavens, we do!)...we are loving and trust one another, our computer is in the living room, the monitor clearly visible from almost every seat in the room, and for good reason, we have young kids and we want to know what they're doing while they're on the computer, but, it also means we aren't able to keep secrets from one another, either.  Our facebook accounts are left logged in permanently on our user accounts on the computer and in the year we've shared this computer, neither of us has ever bothered to feel it is an invasion of privacy if they other person snags the computer to look something up while we are afk and our facebook page is open.  

  We have, on occasion, pirated one another's acct to comment on a post of a mutual friend (completely forgetting it isn't our own page we're commenting from, which makes from some confusion to family and friends...lol)...The bottom line is, yes, at times, Facebook can interfere, but, if the relationship is strong and healthy to start with and solid lines of communication are in place, it won't matter...if there is already a faltering, you're screwed and it will be a bone of contention in any relationship, plain and simple.

It all depends on the people in the relationship. My husband and I dated four years before we got married and now four years later we are both on Facebook. I started a group on there called I hate multiple sclerosis that now has over 5,500+ members in it. I don't want to give up that. My husband fully trusts me to be on Facebook all the time running that group. So really it all depends on how well you trust your partner. My husband has free reign to check my Facebook any time he wants and he knows that, same with me and his. We know each others passwords on pretty much everything. Facebook, emails, Instagram, etc

I've seen marriages crumble however because of Facebook and one spouse straying....however that is possible in the real world anyways. Facebook just makes it public and more easily to get caught.

The other disturbing thing is watching young love....."I love my honey boo schnookums sooooo much".......oh I hate that! Ha ha young tweenagers do that, immature adults do that. It's so annoying.

It all just depends on the person. You cannot blame Facebook. Facebook does good too. Last year my friend had a stroke and was in a coma for two months. When she woke and wanted to know what she misse out on she looked through everyone's Facebook page histories. Like with my I hate multiple sclerosis page, that's where I go to get support for my MS that's why I originally created the page. For MSers (people with MS) to support each other and their families/friends to learn what we go through. My husband supports me plenty, but the rest of my family not so much.

So Facebook good or bad depending on how you use it

I think that with all things there can be excess but used in the right way Facebook can help garner happier and healthier friendships.  The key is knowing what/when to share something.  If you do not use discretion in sharing then it can be a terrible place.  Additionally if it consumes so much of your time that you fail to be in your relationships then it is time to cut back and use it on a limited basis.  Case in point, I use to play games on Facebook and wasted significant amounts of time building my "Farm" but then I realized how it was affecting not only me but also my life with everyone else.  So I told everyone I was getting off of the games and to not send me any more requests. They have stopped sending them and I am much happier only sharing what I want to and when I want to.

The only thing that facebook has done is make me wish my husband was a bit more demonstrative... but only sometimes.

Let me explain. 

My husband is on facebook, but not really. He has an account, but only checks it about 2-3x a year. I have lots of male friends, however, who post things about their wives. "Happy Anniversary to my beautiful wife! I love you! Thank you for the best 14 years of my life!"  or they'll post a picture of their wife or gf and say something about how beautiful they are. My husband would never do that. He never posts anything, but he certainly wouldn't do that. He only even reads my blog if I specifically ask him to...

2 interesting events recently made me close my Facebook account:

1) Woman I was seeing became jealous about a post I made about a tweet (social network incest, I know) I received from a musician (who happened to be female) that I admired for thirty years. The tweet simply acknowledged my mention with an 'xo'. Result: broke up with woman as this was not the first sign of extreme jealousy I'd seen.

2) More serious: estranged spouse and I are not friends on FB, but share mutual friends, including member of my extended family. So, if one of them commented or liked one of my posts, ex could get a little glimpse into my life. Considered asking ex to unfriendly my family (who she's not close to in the real world). After all, she doesn't want me anymore so why should she get to keep my family as a consolation prize. Thing is, I pick my battles pretty carefully, and could see no way for this conversation to go down well. Also considered asking family members to release ex, but that also seemed heavy-handed. I've never tried to establish an me-vs-her scenario and if people in my family wanted to keep in touch with her, that was their business.

End result: I asked myself how much I cared about my 60 or so friends on FB and decided, with the exception of about 10, not much. So I sent.those 10 people private messages that I was dropping off and how to reach me otherwise, waited a couple of days, and then cancelled my account.

Note I said 'cancelled' and not 'deactivated'. There's a little known feature on FB that lets you close your account forever. I opted this route.

2 weeks later: I've had phone conversations and have met up with people that I was only interacting with on FB. Haven't missed a thing.

Never thought to put custody of Facebook in my divorce settlement, though.

Facebook can be both beneficial and detrimental to any relationship. Public social media displays of affection - posts to each other, photos together, lovey-dovey-ness for all friends to see, can boost any couple's happy quotient, but the lack of these, too much interaction with other friends, or even too much time spent on it can stir insecurity and cause trust issues. Facebook, phones, friends, as with everything in life, should be balanced and in moderation. As long as you show the person by your side the love and attention they deserve (offline and on) and you remain faithful and trustworthy, it shouldn't be an issue. One should know their partner well enough to know their trigger points and be conscious to not hurt them because of something as relatively insignificant as Facebook.

I know a couple who split up because he went to a party without her and someone took photos of him flirting with another girl and posted them to facebook. That was hurtful.

For me personally it makes me question the strength of my relationship and where it is headed. It is hard to see friend getting married, buying houses having childeren. Some of these people are 5 years younger than myself. I always get down, wont lie have even cried over the "why not me" that Facebook makes me see. My boyfriend reminds me to live my own "timeline" and not try to live the"timeline" of others. 

I don't have a love life, so I decline to comment.

I don't believe that Facebook creates relationship problems, but it can make existing problems more obvious.  Speaking only from my experience here, my marriage would have failed anyway without Facebook. My ex would have ignored me anyway, the nights he wasn't on Facebook until 3am he'd be out drinking with friends until 3am; either way I would go to sleep alone every. single. night. He would have slept with other women even if Facebook hadn't existed. But Facebook just made it so much easier to do and to do more of it. Oh no! My first two comments on this site, and both are whining about my ex-husband. :S  We actually get along really well, I promise. Anyway, enough of that.

On a general note I don't think Facebook is bad per se. Like all social media, most people still haven't learnt how to  'behave'  around it. I mean behave as in etiquette  A good rule of thumb I use is that before posting anything, imagine yourself standing on a stage in front of a couple of hundred people. Would you say out loud in front of all those people what you have just typed? (I know YOU, Dan, would, thank goodness you are made of different stuff than I) Would you show them all that photo? If the answer is NO, don't post it. Even what you think are private messages can easily be shared to the public.  

Depending upon what you are putting on Facebook it can both hurt or help your relationship. As a blogger and a social media consultant and maven I basically live and breathe off of Facebook, Twitter and other things. My blog is about my life as a single parent. That can make or break any dating or relationship potential depending upon the reader. Frankly, I make my life an open book for a reason - so that it comes from me first and is not a second hand account. 

I would say 90% of my ex relationships had an issue with my Facebook page. The most common was that they would go back into my "pre-them" past and get jealous, then accuse me of cheating and then hack into my account to read my messages. Eventually I erased my entire posting history via a special software program because I was basically tired of jealous guys. I will never get off Facebook and for me personally if you don't have a Facebook I would also look at you strange. Facebook is a great way to network with groups for potential business opportunities and jobs. I've made a lot of contacts that way. If a guy I date does have a Facebook, I would probably not ask to be added until we were seriously dating. I'd rather base my relationship on the facts now (and something called a background check) before I dive into their social media page. 

It all depends on the attitude you have towards the relationship to begin with.. Facebook should have little to no effect on a relationship, but if there are trust issues and other problems to begin with, facebook could just become another source of stress and suspicion

I'm counselor and used to work for a community mental health service.  I used to teach the monthly class that was court ordered for people who were contesting custody in court.  Imagine the fun of walking into a required class - that people had to pay to attend - with partner who were contesting custody in court.  The people weren't happy.  I often allowed them to vent a little and talk about how they got to the class and what they would like to learn.  As time went on I heard more and more about how people learned of infidelities and activities on Facebook which they then used to start legal actions against the other parent.  

I think it's human nature to reminisce about past loves or imagine new relationships with people you don't know veery well.  Facebook allows you to look up old loves and feel the giddy excitement of a younger you in a past relationship - or you can imagine a new relationship with someone who is "better" than your current partner.  Combine the ability to look up people at any time and the anonymous feeling of electronic interactions and you have a set up for ruining relationships.  The whole addiction part of social media is another factor.  I have worked with young couples who face the problem of one partner (usually the male) wanting to spend many hours a day on the computer playing games because that's the only way s(he) knows how to relax.

What about actual human interactions?  My son-in-law is the most inspiring person and told me he looked at game and computer time this way:  I can either level up in the game that means a lot to me or I can level up in my real life and reap the lasting rewards. 

Laurie

I got off Facebook after only a few months because I was getting really anxious about the drama caused by others and would check it more than I was comfortable with (have a little boy to spend time with instead!).  Not surprisingly, only a few of my 30+ 'friends' bothered to contact me off of FB, despite having my e-mail address.  But then I realized that my (now ex) husband was spending all of his time on Facebook... instead of with his son or me.  I talked him into only being online when our son slept so he could be present for being a dad, but being present for me didn't seem to be as important.  I got tired of going to bed lonely while he chatted away and made political comments and reviewed wines on FB to friends he didn't ever see IRL.  He's still on FB in his bachelor pad, and I have real life friends, real life fun, and a happy son of whom I have primary custody.  He didn't 'cheat' on me, but he certainly was on FB more than he was in our marriage!

Facebook helps when you can't be together. It was the one way my husband and I were able to use to communicate regularly when he was deployed for a year. He couldn't always call, but every chance he got he'd find a computer and send me a quick message on Facebook just letting me know he was ok and that he loved me. And when he did have time facebook was so much easier to use than any other program and loaded faster than anything else. For that I am thankful for Facebook. :)

It can be very harmful but I agree that it does amplify if there is already a problem. I was personally affected, my husband reconnected wtih his high school girlf friend on fb, they started talking (ALOT) and he ended up leaving me for her. That is not the only way it affects relationships, I think if someone is spending a lot of time on fb their spouse/partner should take that as a hint that there may be something missing or wrong in the relationship and it's time to pay attention and try to fix it before it gets worse!

definitly hurts if your other half is insecure and yes waaaayyyyy tooo much time is spent on it. Im guilty of that

If Facebook is ruining your relationship, it's your fault (or the fault of the other party), not facebook's fault.

I actually deleted my facebook account because I was ignoring my husband and kids and not giving them attention they needed.  When your kids say, "Mommy, get off the computer and play with me!!"   there is a problem.  LOL  and I couldn't just go on "for a little while"  because it turned into an hour and then another hour...and you get the picture.  So, YES I definitely say that facebook affects relationships.  I miss it...not for my old high school friends and acquaintances that are on there.  Honestly, they don't mean anything to me.  I haven't seen them in almost 20 years.  I miss the interaction with my cousins because I don't see them or talk to them enough. I need to make the effort to contact them face to face more.  Have a good day with your little man.

I'm on FB less since I stopped playing Zynga games more than a year ago. Now I check in a few times/day at the same time I check in on e-mails. I have kids, household chores, and a ton of projects that need my attention a lot more than I need to be on the internet. BUT FB did make it possible to reconnect w/ some very dear friends that I had lost touch with, and that makes me super happy! :)

My husband refuses to have a Facebook page. Mine is always logged on when any of the laptops are on and he refuses to even open the page. I find that keeping my husband "in the loop" with his family (that I don't always get along with OFF of FB) has helped our communication with each other and built trust between us. I think that how people deal with the interactions of their family and friends on FB speaks to their character as most people are more likely to say things on FB that they would not say to someone's face. I agree with Monica; you don't need Facebook to cheat.

Facebook is just like any tool, it can be used in a good way, or bad... Sadly it caused the breakup of my marriage because my spouse reconnected with an ex, but you don't need Facebook to cheat, if you are out looking for trouble you are going to find it...

I know for a fact that facebook can affect relationships. It is the new way of saying i like you, because it is easyer to post something like that then say it face to face. It is also the new way of bullying, hiding behind an IPadress. I found long lost friends and got messages and friend requests from people i don't want to meet ever again, in real life or facebook. Facebook makes talking easyer, but also less valuable. Because when it is this easy to say something or actually write something in this case, people don't evaluate their words. But still i never said goodbye to facebook, even though it has downsides. Even though i get friend requests from people i hardly know or people i don't know at all. It works like a lot of things, the biggest part of what facebook can do to a life comes from the people who use it. If you are afraid that people read posts you wrote that you don't want them to read? Then don't post them. It is that simple. It is not facebook itself that can ruin relationships, it is the lack of real communication that might come from it.

Facebook has annoyed me when, in a relationship, a "man friend" has posted too much on my page or made too many comments.

Facebook has annoyed me when, in a relationship, a "man friend" has posted too much on my page or made too many comments.

Facebook can be detrimental or helpful for relationships. There are more pitfalls than there are stepping stones, so in general, I'd say Facebook affects relationships detrimentally. Facebook profiles must be managed, self-censored, and friends on Facebook are not the same as friends in real life. To confuse them is detrimental. Facebook can become addictive and takes time away from real relationships, if not self-disciplined. Mea culpa.

It causes problems because it gives access to other people/past relationships that most would never otherwise have and provides opportunities for problems. Also, misunderstandings and jealousy occurs as well. How many arguments start with "why did you comment on....". I've thought about shutting mine down at times.

I've heard Facebook is now cited in court battles!! My husband says I'm on it too much but then I manage three pages as well as commenting on my own personal page?!!!! However I don't like smart phones at the table. Unless they are a deterrent for a rambunctious 4 year old!

Everything in the world have the border or limit, so don't through its.......!

I agree with an earlier comment. The Internet and smart phones hurt relationships. They definitely put you in a position where people from your past can contact you or your partner and either rekindle old feelings or fuel the flames of doubt and distrust.

Facebook is my favorite time-sucking vortex.

I definitely think it can affect relationships in many ways. It's brought me back in touch with many long lost friends, but it's like we are voyeurs in each others' lives, rather than actually interacting. I find myself not knowing who knows what about my life, because I don't know if people have seen certain posts or pictures. It can be awkward having a conversation with friends and family because I'm not sure what the shared frame of reference is. I recently posted about the Five Stages of Divorce on Facebook: http://thelifeofkylie.com/2012/07/17/the-five-stages-of-divorce-on-facebook/

Yes

I think facebook could be bad for relationships. It all depends on the people in the relationship and how open they are with each other.

I think it does

I think it all depends on what the individual values. I value more that face to face connection with with people. I use Facebook to stay connected with friends but more importantly my family. Instead of having to email pictures to fifty different people, make a ton phone calls I post it to let my family know what's going on. My husband and I met in high school so I would say 90% of either of our friends we already knew. Also we have one basic rule our marriage is worth MORE then a " friend" on FB. Period. If one asks the other to delete someone and has valid feelings/point no question. No debate. Deleted.

if facebook ruins a relationship...you're doing it wrong!

It's no myspace, that's for sure.

Definitely! My ex hooked up with an ex in Australia and a childhood friend in Ireland!

For me.. it is an important tool right now.. My DH is deployed and we use it to communicate and share photos with him of the kids. Now once he's home.. it will go back to being a time killer and a place to share photos of my kids with our families.

I deactivated my account and promptly found an awesome girl. Now that I'm back, I see that I wasn't missing much. Meanwhile, we have been on amazing adventure-dates almost daily.

I worry about oversharing and relationships. Being single, I don't want prospective dates with that level of information BUT those I am friends with know so much about me bc of FB. I've been told I need to add some mystery in my life. Guess I am worried that it IS hurting my relationships and I don't know it. Maybe I have less dates because of it? Who knows...

I have seen alll of the above mentioned scenerios happen =)