Warning: today’s is not a post for those who can’t handle discussion about the disgusting parts of real life. Which is a group of people that includes me. Which is why I’m surprised I was able to write it at all.

Today’s topic has been heavily debated in my personal circle for many years. What is the absolute grossest bodily yuck? For some it’s blood. For others excrement. We could all list many more. For me… it’s hands-down, most definitely, without a doubt… boogers. Especially when those boogers belong to other people.

There’s something about other people’s boogers that freaks me the heck out. I hate them, probably more than just about anything else in this world. In the extremely rare circumstance that I get one on me, I become paralyzed. I cannot move, I cannot remove it. I just stand there dry-heaving, unable to speak, mentally willing somebody to come along with a tissue, some toilet paper, heck… with a flame torch if they need it, just get it off me!

Now, I don’t know if it’s me being polite to not get into the awful types of boogers, and how much worse they are for me the worse they get, or maybe it’s my inability to type about it at all without grabbing the nearest wastebasket. Either way, just know that there are some boogers that are way worse than others.

Ugh. I’m officially sick to my stomach just talking about not talking about it.

What has always surprised me is how many people aren’t bugged by boogers at all. How is that even possible? While debating with friends and siblings, it has been asked, “if you were bad during the year, and you had to choose between Santa bringing you a stocking full of _______ (fill in your own least favorite bodily yuck) or a stocking full of boogers, what would you choose?”

Really, people? You’d rather have a stocking full of snot than a stocking full of poop? What is wrong with you? No seriously… I’m asking. I’m genuinely concerned.

Why talk about this at all? Why discuss something so disgustingly undiscussable? I’ll tell you why…

Two days ago I was driving on the freeway, and some guy (or maybe it was a girl, I’d just like to give the females in this world the benefit of the doubt) in front of me flicked a big wet booger out of his window. It plastered to the side of my car and I was left dry-heaving on my driveway trying to figure out how to get it off without getting anywhere near the car.

If I were ever a politician, I promise you there would be serious, serious fines for that. [shudder]

Enjoy your (hopefully booger-free) day.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. I’d love your comments. Am I the only one who hates boogers that much?