When you’re getting ready to move to a new home, things sometimes get weirder and weirder.
And with moving day quickly approaching, Noah and I are experiencing some strange dynamics already.
Like the big question of “who gets my stuff?”
Last time I moved, I took a big load of stuff to the Salvation Army. I didn’t ask anybody if they were okay with me doing it. I didn’t give anybody an opportunity to call dibs on it. I wanted the stuff gone, and I took it. End of story.
Or so I thought.
For weeks I heard person after person complain that I didn’t give them x and such out of my donation stash.
“I could have used that!”
“Next time think of others before you just go and do something like that!”
“Don’t you think you should have asked around first to see if anybody wanted any of that?!”
I got used to hearing all of these explanations and I also got real used to shrugging them off.
But this time around, when people found out I was moving, they approached me preemptively.
“See what your siblings need before you give it all away this time!” My mom said with all good intentions.
“I’d like a chance to go through all your Salvation Army stuff before you take it,” Noah’s mom said with all good intentions.
“Dude, if you give away your stuff without letting me have first dibs, I’m gonna kill you,” my sister said with unidentified intentions.
“I will beat you up if you pull a repeat of last time,” my friend said. I’m pretty sure she was serious.
Well…
Today I borrowed my mom’s truck (thanks Mom!) and loaded it sky high. Twice. With a lot of really nice stuff (I’m downsizing, remember?). There was everything from furniture, to kitchen gadgets/appliances, and even an iPod and a Kindle.
Then I took both those loads straight to the Salvation Army.
I didn’t ask anybody to come look through it. I didn’t offer anything to anybody. I didn’t heed a single person’s threat of death.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m oppositionally defiant by nature. Maybe because I’m a meanie-face poo poo pants.
Or maybe it’s because giving my stuff to my family and my friends doesn’t really serve the two people who I intend to serve by giving it all away. People in need. And myself.
If I donate it to the Salvation Army, financially strapped people both here and around the globe will get the hook up. People in real need will be able to buy some pretty decent stuff for a fraction of what they’d pay elsewhere. Hobos will no longer run the streets naked.
And, I get the tax write-off.
Seems like a real win-win. The only problem it’s sure to cause me is, this win-win doesn’t include all the people who for some reason think my stuff should belong to them if I don’t want it anymore or am not going to sell it.
Sorry everybody, it’s my stuff to do what I want with. And I want to give it to people who really need it. Though as a blogger, I totally get why you’d want a shot at it. Free stuff rocks.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. After reading this post, what do you think? Should friends and family members give first dibs to you before they donate their stuff to others?
Yeah, well, since you asked? This was a jerk move. The stuff will still be gone for you, but maybe there were things of yours with sentimental attachment for someone else. If my ex got rid of something of my kid's that I would have saved for my/our grandchildren, I'd be pissed. It makes sense to limit what they could have taken, or even asking them to BUY it from you and then donating the money to the Salvation Army directly. Win-win for everyone. What would that have hurt?
I think that you're doing the right thing. The people who insist on being able to rummage through your donations do not seem to realize how many others there are who are less fortunate. People who shop at the Salvation Army (and similar places) are shopping for their NEEDS, not their WANTS. The people who want first dibs on your donations are focused on their own WANTS. Great job on putting your foot down on this one.
im selling of my stuff (like i mentioned previously) as well as giving furniture away, etc the rest, goes in the trash
Why not sell the stuff and help the little girls who are ill and having rough times? Then you're getting rid of it AND helping out.
Its your stuff, you can always do what you want with it. But I definitely would rather give my things to family and friends of mine who need it before anyone else. They mean the most to me. Plus, giving to Salvation Army or Deseret Industries supports a lot of things I disagree with. After my loved ones go through everything, Id take the rest to the Road Home. They dont sell it, and they give it to those who really need, ones without any money at all.
Personally I think doing it and then BRAGGING about it is kinda a dick move. Kinda like "HA HA! I got rid of my stuff that you might have needed and didn't even offer to let you buy it..." Seriously if you are that concerned with donating to a charity then you could have your friends and family give you double as many dollars as you would have gotten as a tax write off and found a worthy cause to give 1/2 the money to... EVERYONE wins that way.
It kind of seems like a jerk move, especially when they asked. You could have kept some stuff out that you know they didn't really NEED, but just wanted. Also, charity starts at home. I don't know, if I was a friend/relative of yours, I would have my feelings hurt by this. Cause it kind of seems like you only did it for the blog post/'oh look how charitable I am' brownie points/tax refund.
But, the Salvation Army doesn't necessarily help the people in need either. I volunteered for one, and it's not the image of somebody going into a group of the downtrodden and just handing all this stuff over. All that stuff gets sold in the thrift stores, and yes, people in need get vouchers to come get stuff. But, it's usually clothes only. And usually the vouchers are for like two outfits (two pants, two shirts, and a pair of shoes). The other stuff is sold to the general public, and it's not really that great of a bargain sometimes because every thing has blanket prices. At the one I worked at; 6.50 for ALL sweaters, no matter how old or outdated they are, 5.25 for every single pair of jeans, even if they're acid washed. Those are great prices for middle classed people, but not necessarily for everyone. Most of the people who shopped in my store were stay-at-home moms of doctors and engineers. Seriously. And occasionally you have people like you with good intentions who donate very nice stuff. It's usually snatched up by some volunteer, or the volunteer lets their friends/family know "hey, we got a GOOD batch. Come to the store." I've even seen some of the workers hide something in the back until their shift ends, then go get it, ring it up for themselves, and leave. It happens a lot. The proceeds of the store go to help those in need, but they also have some overhead. You're better off donating to a shelter, where the stuff goes straight from your hands to the people who need it. Things like Kindles and iPods, I would wait till Christmas, and donate it to a kid on the angel tree, since they usually ask for that sort of thing.
Not that I'm trying to give charities a bad name. Everyone should donate stuff to places like Salvation Army. (And smaller charities, like local abused women/children shelters. I would donate things like toys, books to a local children's hospital or Ronald McDonald House). Where charities are concerned, you want to donate to organizations who actually USE the stuff, and don't sell it.
My advice would be that they could all have 1 thing. Just one. Everything else would go to charity. They get something, you get the write off, charity gets goods. Win, win, win.
Forgive me if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but just as a public service, the Salvation Army is a prime example of the "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" phenomenon. They have a long and rich history of opposing civil rights for LGBTQ people, and of denying services to LGBTQ people in need. There's sort of a brief roundup of some of that history here: http://theweek.com/article/index/229796/gays-should-die-a-timeline-of-the-salvation-armys-anti-gay-flare-ups.
I'd agree that you don't need to offer your stuff to your friends first, but think about whether there might not be more deserving nonprofits than the Salvation Army. I support the SA's right to function according to their beliefs, but I'm disinclined to support them with donations.
@bzzzzgrrrl Not to mention that they let a transwoman freeze to death literally on their doorstep rather than allow her into a woman's shelter after she'd already been sexually assaulted and run out of their men's shelter. http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2010/12/rest-in-peace-jennifer-gale.html
@TheHats Indeed, not to mention that. Sigh. What a horrendous story. Thank you for sharing it.
Peh. They can follow you to The Salvos and buy it from them if they really really want it. And it'll be a bargain price.
With three kids, I have a lot of STUFF. And we keep getting more stuff every birthday, Christmas, etc. Donating to a charity is great- as a Mom with not a lot of disposable income, I like to give things like children's clothes/toys to other Moms I know because it is freaking expensive buying new clothes every 3 months or so (my kids are still little, and growing). I can't tell you what a blessing it's been to have a little girl who's 2 years older (and similar build) to my daughter living right across the street. Once or twice a year, her Mom brings us a big bag of clothes over- all in really great condition. I don't expect it, but I really appreciate it. I'd never say, "Hey, it's really too expensive for me to buy my kids more than a week's worth of clothes- give me your old ones!" But, it's kind of the truth. I then save those clothes for when my younger daughter grows out of them. My son's old stuff I gave to a new mother (friend of a friend) who we knew was going to be strapped for cash. I hope you're including or will think of including Noah in the future when you plan to donate stuff (to whomever or whatever organization you choose). I don't think you can start too young too teach our kids the good deed of giving to others in need. I wrote a post about that here: http://www.practicingparenting.net/2011/11/culture-of-caring.html
Basically- it's your stuff, do what you want with it. But, as a person who's accepting other people's used goods (at their offering), I'll tell you it really feels nice that people notice you need things, don't make you feel bad about it, and help because they can and don't need what they have anymore.
If I don't want it anyways, I put it up for grabs then I donate to shelters in my town. They benefit more from the stuff than the Salvation Army or Goodwill for that matter (who most poor people cannot buy from anyhow- have you seen their prices on things!!!???) That way it stays local. Goes to families that may not have access to anything, including funds. As a bonus- you get a tax write off. Now as for the iPad------ as a struggling single mom that's a hot commodity. Maybe a family center would benefit from electronics donated... teen centers etc.......
Garage sale and the money deposited into a savings account for Noah.
Garage sale and the money deposited into a savings account for Noah.
Just moved, and did not have the time to see if everyone I know would possible want my old ___. Advertised a garage sale, and took it from there.
I'd give everyone a set time to go through the giveaway stuff, myself. Such as telling everyone "You have between July 12 and 17 to come get what you want. After that, it's going."Ultimately, it's your choice Dan. Obviously none of your close friends and family are in desperate straits, you're a compassionate man, and would be sensitive to that. And garage/yard sales are just a pain for all but the most Born Organized of folks. You did what was right for you, and you don't have to apologize to anyone.
People should realize what a pain moving is, if they want stuff how about volunteer a little help packing then they can see whats being given away and not ask you to wait for them. Salvation Army rocks!!!
There's no right answer here really as I believe it's personal preference. The last time I moved it was done quickly and without much warning. I was also downsizing. Everything I no longer had a need for was boxed up and taken to Salvation Army. Previous times I have moved I've had a lot more time so I was able to offer friends and family a quick walk through of the items I was getting rid of and it had to be taken that day. In both instances I felt I was helping myself (getting rid of unneeded items) and helping others (friends, family or strangers). Either way it worked it. I'll also add though that if anyone - friend or family - felt they were entitled to my belongings and voiced that to me they would get a swift kick to the balls.
I applaud you for doing exactly what you think is right. There is not much "work" to using donations for a tax write off, and as with most families, you will be criticized if you let one person have something that someone else wanted, and then you will be criticized for playing favorites, etc. You did the right thing by just accomplishing your goal. I have offered stuff to needy/greedy friends, and they never come to pick it up. Trying to make others happy is a great road to procrastination, when it comes to depending on those others to fitting your schedule.
Sorry, but to all you who are "getting annoyed" with poeople asking for stuff, cmon! Sure, you dont have to make ur rounds finding out who wants what when it's easy to take it to Salvation Army, but if someone asks you for something, hey, ur not going to use it, right!Or you could just cart all the boxes over to their house and let them take the things they dont want to the salvation army themselves. Sincerely, Hoarder :)
Ultimately, it's your choice. You paid for it. So you get to decide what to do with it. Personally, I think I'd get annoyed at everyone saying 'hey, I wanted x from you!' Because it comes off as sounding greedy. (I will admit, tho, that I was once blessed with a used ipod, my friend updated his collection and was looking to get rid of his old one, and he remembered that I'd joked around with him about wanting one ages ago, so he offered to mail it to me. It's five or so years old but so very much appreciated by me, since I've never been in a position to have the extra cash to afford one!)
I donate virtually every single thing that my children outgrow to a non-profit thrift store. They use the profits to help families with multiples. I win as it gets crap out of my house (and is a tax write off), the families with multiples win because it helps them with whatever they need, and people who shop in the thrift store (usually those same families) win b/c they sell the stuff super cheap. When friends who have hand-me-down sized kids complain that I should have given them 'first dibs' I point them in the direction of the thrift store. Obviously, if they really did NEED something, I'd give it to them...but honestly, what I do with my stuff is my business. Good on you for your donations!
I got two big boxes in the back of my car that are heading over to Goodwill right after work (we're also moving). Not giving anyone a chance to go through them, cause I just want them OUT of my house!
I first have a yard sale and try to make some money. Then, with what's left I announce I'm going to goodwill to make a donation. I don't tell people what's in the donation pile though. If they want to come see, more than welcome. Keeps the vulchers away.
VERY timely post. I've dealt with something similar with my mother for years (she is a borderline hoarder) and am so fed up with the, "Hey, save that for me, I might like to have it if you don't want it." Well, "might" far too often turns into "never." While you might have been motivated partly out of spite, y'know what? It's STUFF. And unless your family and friends are in a serious bind and REALLY needed something you gave away (in which case they should have said, "Hey, are you giving away X kind of thing"), then they can go get it for themselves.Cold? Maybe. Fed up? Absolutely.
In our family we have what we call come take what you need/want gatherings before getting rid of anything ... or a party with a no money auction or a fake raffle ... make it fun and give to your family first. Donate what's left
In our family we have what we call come take what you need/want gatherings before getting rid of anything ... or a party with a no money auction or a fake raffle ... make it fun and give to your family first. Donate what's left
I think if you have something that you think might be of value to f&f it certainly would be nice to give them a shot at it. Thinking of holding a blog sale myself right now to try and pay my medical bills.
It seems a bit mean. My feelings would be hurt if my sister or brother did this! (never mind pointed it out to the world!) I'm not talking junk here, but none of us is a millionaire and every bit helps! Seems like you were just being mean. It's MY bike, I don't know how to ride it, but NO you can't either!!
@Kim Plante I would agree with you if he'd thrown the stuff away. But he DONATED it in an effort to help people who truly need help. If his friends or family members were really hurting financially, I am sure he would have offered to let them go through the "Donate Pile" and find things they could use. Perhaps if someone had even said, "Hey, if you're getting rid of your (insert item name here), I could sure use it!" he would have been willing to set aside that item for them. If they truly wanted first dibs, they should have offered to help him pack, and asked for the items they wanted from the Donate Pile while they were there. Like the other animals in The Little Red Hen they wanted the benefit without putting in any hard work. So now they are free to go to the Salvation Army store and purchase anything they would like.
I think if they have showed an interest in it in the past then it would be nice of you to tell them your going to get rid of it. This will give them a chance to say they want it out not.
Does anybody ever really NEED more "stuff"?
.. or even later-night as it is in NZ! Goodnight/day all :)
Sorry, but family first. My mom is downsizing and called me to see if I wanted to go through anything before she got rid of it. I gave a resounding YES. I am by no means poor as a church mouse, but everything helps. I'm not saying don't help strangers and the less fortunate, but family first. As some one else already said:
"high payer, family, friends, then charity, simply because that is the likelihood of getting something from each of them."
your stuff.....you do with it what you want. if you know you have friends who want things...as you move you say here it is ... come and get it as tomorrow morning what is left is going to salvation army....and let it be.
In reply to Steven J. Stoltz - why does it bug you that your friends or family want something that you've deemed useless to you (your words)? I don't understand this "I don't want it but I don't want you to have it either so I'm giving it away to somewhere you can't get it" mentality that you and Dan seem to have. I'd much rather my "useless (to me)" stuff go to friends or family because then I know who I'm helping. :)
When I "cleaned out" my house; most of the clothes that were still in very good condition went to a local consignment shop that supports a school for developmentally challenged people. Since it is a for profit store, no write off; but, it's just good to know what ever they sell, the money goes for the "extras" at the school.
When I "cleaned out" my house; most of the clothes that were still in very good condition went to a local consignment shop that supports a school for developmentally challenged people. Since it is a for profit store, no write off; but, it's just good to know what ever they sell, the money goes for the "extras" at the school.
Haha. Meanie-face poo poo pants! :)
This is an interesting conversation. Having been in your situation, I did what was most convenient for me and my children. End of story. Sometimes, it's okay to put yourself and your family first and if people can't understand and respect that, it's their baggage not yours. That said, I often see if friends and family need unwanted items before I give them to charity, and that's not usually contingent upon whether they'll return the favor or not or any sense of obligation on my part.
I love this.
We just moved from Arizona to Florida and we went through all of our stuff. I gave a lot of it to my sister, who actually does need it and some books to my niece because the books are special to me and I wanted to share the memories with my sister and her new baby.
Other than that, I gave it away. You are right to do what you want with your things. Period.
I can't tell you how many times I've run into the same problem! Why does it that friends and family feel entitled to your belongings that you bought yourself? I do throw a bit of logic into how I make everyone happy.. if I move.. I give all my friends, family and neighbors 1 day to look through items I'm getting rid of (except I keep back any items that I think might be in need for charity).. then with what I've kept back and the rest of what's left over.. it gets donated. I never take the tax write off because I didn't expect a tax write off when I bought the stuff.. so I don't think it's right to expect one after it's been deemed useless to me (I don't ask for tax write off's on ex's either.. but perhaps I should!)... but that is my method.. and I see absolutely nothing wrong with the way you dealt with yours. Love your blog Dan!
I never give anyone a chance. I also don't have any cool stuff. Lol.
or the late late night crowd as it is for those of us in australia!
or the late late night crowd as it is for those of us in australia!
Stacey Lynn, the post is still there, at the top of this list of posts. It's titled "Weird Moving Dynamics #1 - Who Gets My Stuff?"
Stacey Lynn, the post is still there, at the top of this list of posts. It's titled "Weird Moving Dynamics #1 - Who Gets My Stuff?"
Dan,
Sorry dude. I think that this was just mean. It wouldn't take anymore time to sort all the stuff out and have one time to allow folks to come over, or to save a few things for people you know would like them. They already let you know that it matters to them, you basically thumbed your nose at them and then rubbed it in by writing about it. The tax write-off doesn't make a huge difference and isn't worth the hurt feelings that might be felt. Seems defiant only. :/