Where My Ring Used to Be

I took that ring off the day I told myself that I had had enough. I felt free. I loved having bare fingers with nothing to weigh them down. And I left them free for three years, until I became more centered and had recovered (mostly) from my divorce...that's when my feelings about my relationship with a wonderful man deepened and my fingers decided it was time to take another ring. And that is precisely when he gave me one. :)

I did get divorced. And I stopped wearing my ring long before it was final (around the time that he moved out). But I wore other rings -- my own rings -- rings which, to me, meant strength and self-reliance, and hope. I now wear my second set of wedding rings.... and sometimes I still slip on an additional ring for strength and self-reliance. <3

I replaced my wedding ring for a while but it felt odd to be wearing something there that didn't belong.  The actual ring itself is a reminder of a mistake I made, except that it gave me two beautiful human beings as my children.  I may end up wearing a ring on that finger again someday if only so that I am not announcing "I'm single!" in situations where I don't want it to be obvious.

I'm going through a divorce and worry about the same thing. I have only taken it off twice in six years and that was to get it fixed. Should I replace it with another ring?

I realise this post is old but it caught my eye as I was experiencing exactly the same thing today. I chubbed up during marriage and so when the ring came off I was left with a physical indent where it had been. It's about six years since then and while I've regained control of my weight and the skin is now all the same colour and texture, I still notice it's absence...I vowed to myself that I wouldn't enter a serious relationship until I had my hand, and finger back. That didn't work out (now being happily engaged) and while I'm looking forward to having a new ring when we marry, I'm also reluctant to lose my finger. It feels like a symbol of my strength, my independence and my freedom.

I miss my ring, I was always the type the did better in a healthy relationship. My ring meant that somewhere someone loved me and I belonged to them. Such a sweet feeling…I don't miss him though. I miss what the ring was supposed to reperesent… not what it became over time..

I have been married for six years and watched my husband walk in and out of my life. On Valentines day he broke my heart when he packed the entire house of his personal belongings and said he wanted to go his own way. I kept asking him what I did wrong and his reply was that it wasn't me and he needed to figure things out and closed the doors on me. Six months later he contacted me and asked if there was anything left of our marriage and I broke down cried...and my answer to him was I never wanted to lose you. Then he asked me if I still  had my wedding ring and my answer was ...I always continued to wear it. So that is when he asked if he could come back...then it was tears of happiness ...not fear.  Now another year has past and we made it to our anniversary of being back together a solid year.  But to this day he once again packed up and said he wanted out again...but this time he asked for my ring... He asked for everything that we purchased together and I said to take whatever he wanted...and all I asked for was my ring...I valued my marriage and took pride to say he was my husband...I even tattooed his name on my ring finger four years ago. After packing my stuff in storage and his storage unit he said he didn't know where my rings were. ...I found my rings at the pawn shop the day after he left... So I then asked him again if he had found them. His answer to me was " you must have taken them Christine and you don't remember where you put them". God this hurts to be lied too.  I have emotionally broke down ...not only did he break my heart , I feel destroyed ...he makes me feel like I am falling apart.  All three of my children are now moved out and I live out of my car...and the thing that hurts the worse is he keeps telling me that he loves me and to don't ever think he doesn't care.  He cries and says he is in a lot of pain too and to don't think I'm going through this alone. I want to tell him I know the rings are at the pawn shop but don't want to feel worse than I do now... Because for $600 ... Is the value he put on our marriage now... I don't understand how someone you love so much and say they love you back...goes back in forth so much.

I wore my ring for almost 11 years.  I took it off the day I left my now ex-husband.  Every time my thumb reached over to turn it (as it did very often), I would panic.  This lasted for months and months.  It has now been 2 years since I left.  I still panic when I don't feel it on my finger, but my thumb doesn't reach for it as often, so its not as bad as it once was.

I took mine off a month or so after my husband moved out.  After being with him for 10+ years, and wearing the ring for 7+ years, I was used to it there, and would spin it on my finger all the time.  However, upon removal, I was shocked to discover that I never skipped a beat--never reached for it, never missed it.  10 months later, I still don't give it a second thought.  Why?  I've marveled at this before, and this post today has made me do so again....I guess I'll never know.  But something tells me that everything inside me knew it wasn't "real" anymore.

My hand felt so naked that I started wearing it again a week later, just moved it over a finger. It was a non-traditional ring, so it worked. It was part of me. When the divorce was final 2 years later I felt like I had to stop wearing it to completely move on. I found a very simple little ring that I fell in love with and bought it as a present to myself and switched from the old ring to my new ring, and my new life. My new ring is now a part of me. The new me. 

12 years of being together... nearly 7 years of marriage.  All thrown away becuz of his horrible betrayal.  Yes I still miss wearing my wedding band.  I too often rub my finger where it used to be as I would play with it often.

Ahhh, the ring, the ring.  The short answer to your question is.... yes.

Here is the long answer:  since the marriage that I had was in a time of marriage evolvement, the traditions we held as a couple around it were not as "straightforward" as yours.  We first became domestic partners as were allowed and as the meaning of that commitment was attached with more marriage rights, so we reflected that at each anniversary.

That included rings.  The search for our "right rings" was difficult as we had very different ideas on what those should be.  I wanted the simple, traditional, elegant.  He wanted lots of gems, sparkly and, in my opinion, garish.  Finding the right pair, that met our obviously conflicting desires was tough...especially since we seemed to have mutually exclusive criteria.

One day we were out with friends and happened into a jewelry shop, and I found a ring.  When I put it on...I could not stop looking at it...and I could barely bring myself to take it off.  While its artistic aspects were subtle, they were there...a beautiful purple stone, stripes of amethyst, and two diamonds that symbolized the two kids that we planned to have.  My partner was blase about it... but our friends were enthused.  One friend pulled him aside and pointed out the obvious to him about me..."did you see his face when he put it on?  Do you really think you could find something else to cause that reaction?"  he later told me that she had said to him.

On our anniversary... he took me out to an elegant dinner and presented me with...the ring.  He also told me that the artist had another ring that was more his criteria, but symbiotic to mine that would be the perfect mate.  I readily agreed we should get it.

Those rings represented more than just our commitment to each other.  They represented our resolve to work together, have mutual respect, find a beautiful common ground solution...and they represented our family...as we did go on to adopt two spectacular boys through fostercare adoption.

I wish the story ended there...but it doesn't.  Five years ago, my partner left me.  I wish I was clear on the exact reason... the reasons he stated at the time proved not to be true.  There was another party, and there was chemical addiction involved.  Bottom-line, he is gone and I am working to thrive as a single parent.

Then there is the ring.  When Gavin Newsome opened up marriage to same sex couples in 2004, we were married in San Francisco's City Hall.  I moved the ring to my left hand...it was then, and until the divorce, on that finger.  (Yes, they call it divorce even for domestic partnerships which is one of the real kickers for same gender domestic partnership couples...the humiliation of divorce without the honor of marriage.)

Now the ring travels.  It goes into a special drawer.  It makes its way onto my right hand often as a symbol of love for the family we created and the love for the two boys on whom are now the focus.  It does not go back on the left hand where it was most at home, and where it feels the most right to be.

And that, is a source of chronic pain.

18 years together. 11 months separated... Barely visible. Can feel indentation in the bone, though. Crying now.

so much hurt on one page. my heart goes out to each and every one of you.

When my partner of 24 years passed away, I went through the same thing. Of course, we weren't "married," but we wore rings that we had given to each other. It took a couple of years before my left hand felt "normal" again....

i got a callous from my thumb rubbing up against where the engagement ring was. my bff is still wearing hers even though her husband has told her they are through.

The stress of the betrayal made me lose 50 pounds and the ring slipped off easily! The ring is a promise. When things were shaky I saw my husband of 14 years leaving his ring on the countertop. So I knew...(oh, it gets in the way of my golf glove....ha!) A little search on the internet revealed what he had been doing. I had about a year of no ring, and then I bought myself one! It was a promise ring to myself that I would be much smarter and not screwed over again.

it's almost 3 years for me. Coincidently, I was doing exactly what you did earlier. Tears just flow when I put on the ring. I have to constantly remind myself that she is gone, I'm no longer married, even after almost 3 years.

Mine has been off for 3 years, I miss it all the time. I feel like my hand is naked. I also feel like when I'm out with all my children ( there are 6), people look on my finger to see if I'm married, see I'm not, then look down their noses at me.

Been there... Done that.

I took my ring off long before we separated as I'd lost weight and it kept falling. So I was kind of glad I didn't have to do the ceremonial removal of the ring as it had all ready gone. And he rarely wore his anyway!

Your post made me cry. The rings are the outward sign of the promises we made. The absense of those rings is the outward sign of those promises broken. Hearts heal with time, but the memories are always part of us.

(Well said, Amy Waldfogle.) I've been divorced for five years and I'm not used to it...still. I was in a several year relationship after my divorce, but it wasn't the same. I used to feel for my ring all the time. I still only sleep on "my side" of the bed. Yes, I've learned to fend for myself and be independent -- but I'll never get used to waking up/going to bed alone. Why should I? We were not meant to walk the earth solo.

I'm in the process of being divorced n as silly as it may seem, it's one of the things that scares me (out of many)...

I ve been seperated for 5yrs and divorced for about 2.. every once in while i still feel my finger whete my ribg use to be. I have to admit i miss that feeling of havin something there..You r not alone in this feeling or even the thoughts ...

.....make me remember an old song ''She wear my ring''.....

I absolutely remember this feeling - it's one of those things that takes you by surprise, I think......and no one who hasn't been there can really "get" what it's like

My wife and I wish we had ours. We had to pawn them off during some really bad times to make ends meet. Some day we will get some different ones back for each other, but we have to take baby steps to get there. Awesome blog again.

I wasn't married, but wore a ring for several years. When it came off, I felt naked. Off, somehow. But a year later, I was wearing one again... And twelve and a half years later, it's still on. The former ring was pawned and I bought my kid some stuff with it.

I wore mine until our divorce was final a year after we separated. I think your post shows how you value the sanctity and value of marriage, which is nice, because one doesn't hear that so often from divorced people.

As my Mom did, I sold the ring & used the $ to buy an "independence" ring - just a beautiful ring *I* loved & picked out for myself. I have male friends that did a similar thing!

Yes indeed, this post resonates.

Yep it's been 7 years and I still find myself "playing" with the ring that used to sit there. And panicking for that split second before i remember that it is gone.

I'm actually married, but stopped wearing my wedding ring 10 months ago. In my case, my marriage is all over except for getting the actual divorce. It's just a marriage now in name only. To make a long story short? My husband informed me a year and a half ago about being in love with another woman, but only after he talked me into inviting her into our home and she'd been here two days with her children. To find out, they'd already been involved for over a year before he told me about it, and he did that while he was making love to me. We'd been together 12 years and married 10 years when he informed me he never did love me, that she was the love of his life. Wearing my ring reminds of all the lies he told me up till that night. Although there's still times I wish I was wearing it, that it ment everything it was supposed to mean. I'm still adjusting to doing things alone, trying to cope with the fact that they still talk and she's planning their wedding after our divorce, and coping with retrieving my self-esteem and damaged ego. Simply put, I'm still trying to figure out how I was married so long to a fantasy, and why I trusted him so much to blind myself to his infidelity. And for me, my wedding ring is a sore reminder of that delusion and ultimate betrayal I let myself be suckered into.

These posts are making me want to weep...I feel so.much sadness by my empty finger.. because of the promises broken that were made when it was put on my finger...I miss the hope I had for the future

When I sold my ring set to help pay for my husband's funeral, I purchased a plain ring to wear on my finger to take place of the hope. We were almost divorced when he died but there was a spot as thin as a band that dared to hope and couldn't let go. There came a time that I finally let go of that hope for something that never was and couldn't be. Now I wear another band from my new husband. The design is very different from my past ring and sometimes I am shocked to see it different, but a wonderful reminder of how hope changes and how you can embrace the future.

:o(

I still wèar my ring. I'vè bèèn divòrcèd fòr fòúr mònths & can't bring mysèlf tò takè it òff...its bèèn part òf mè fòr 28yrs.

After a week I pawned mine off maybe next one will be one I acually liked.Besides who says you have 2 be married 2 wear a ring.I think you miss being married.Go and get laid you'll get over it:-)

my ring was sharp on the sides and routinely "disappeared " into the skin of my finger. I still have terrible scar tissue where it used to be. I can barely use it at all from the nerve damage caused by it. This is also a perfect metaphor for what it represented.

Seriously, though: to each in his/her own time. That feeling will leave.....before you/they leave or long there after!

Every divorce, every person/character/emotional response differs. I was blind to the cheating, once it was revealed, I didn't have closure and ease of letting the ring go, I felt nauseated and experienced various mourning stages similar to death. Now look at me!

My ex never gave me a ring...and yes, we were married.

Sometimes, when I'm w/friends that are still married, I find my eyes drifting to their ring finger& I get that little pang inside, wondering about the "what ifs?" Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go back to the lying & cheating for a million dollars. I've learned that you can't make a marriage work if there's only one of you willing to work at it. In which case, that was me. But I also find myself wondering, if at 45, I'll ever get that second chance at love & find my soul mate. If there is even such a thing? It comes & goes every now & than. I've been divorced for 8 yrs now...married for 12. Not gonna lie though. It angers me that I was the one faithful to the bone for 12 yrs & here I am, an asshole magnet & still single. But the world's still spinning, I have a million things to be thankful for...especially my amazing son & daughter. :)

We separated going on 6 months now. Even though my daughter and I were neglected and constantly lied to that empty finger just doesn't feel right. Only thing I can compare it to is the phantom pain some experience after loosing a limb or something of that sort. To me right now it's a constant reminder of all the hurt and heartbreak this marriage has brought in to my life. I hope that feeling will change as time passes.

I left a marriage of abuse when I was 5 months pregnant, I guess for me at the time the ring felt like chains, I don't miss it or him. In fact I still battle with him to do what is right by our 2 year old. I have to think that there is someone out there for me. But I am not going to force it. Just live my life be a mother, a career woman, and a student. Soon someone will look at me hear my story and think this woman did it. she beat the statics for domestic violence.

I still rub the palm side of my finger with my thumb sometimes, like it's still there - definitely habitual.

I understand how you feel, but my ring stopped have meaning when he neglected me for the umteenth time. I used to feel so lonely and the ring just didn't help.

I can relate completely.