On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMFRSMJI (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means).
- Remember when we were younger and all we wanted was to grow up? Boy, were we stupid or what?
- Conversation with my 2 year old: Me: Daniel, get in bed and do not get up again. Daniel: (unzipping his pajamas) I have to get the duck out. Me: Ummmmm, okay. Daniel: (removing stuffed duck from pajamas) Here it is!
- Just when I think my son is a little carbon copy if his father …that he inherited nothing from me…he trips over his own feet and slams into a wall and I say to myself…ah…there I am.
- My complaint department was being manned by my new secretary, Helen Waite. So if you have any complaints, go to Helen Waite.
- So I’m trying to fall asleep in this hotel at like 2 am. I can’t sleep because all I can hear is music coming through the wall. After like an hour I finally get up enough courage to bang on the wall. No luck. So I get up, walk over to the table, and call down to the front desk. I rant and rave about how I’m a diamond level guest and I at least deserve a quiet room. After I hang up the phone and start walking over to my bed, I notice a cord coming out from under the pillow. It’s my iPod…and it’s on.
- I got mooned by a homeless woman on the train this morning. I really hope that wasn’t the high point of my day.
- Spanx + a freshly-showered, damp body = the funniest thing no one will ever see.
- Sooo…Jared and I thought we would try and be slick tonight. Since he is in Colorado, we decided to have him call and pretend he was the Easter Bunny. We downloaded an app that is supposed to change your voice so he had a high little “bunny” voice. Only it completely backfired..midway through the conversation the app malfunctioned and the voice changed to a deep darth vader like voice and totally scared the crap out of my kids . They were so scared I had to stay in their room with them while they tried to put the “scary voice” out of their minds. I couldn’t stop laughing. The things we do as parents …
- Okay, I have something hard to say and some people may not like/agree with it but….Twizzlers are sooo much better then Red Vines! Phew, there, I said it.
- Saw an ad encouraging the purchase of Spanx as an ideal Mother’s Day present. I feel the need to make a public warning… Unless specifically and explicitly asked to purchase Spanx for your mother, these should never be considered for even the smallest glimmer of moment as a Mother’s Day present. Seriously. This warning could save lives.
- If you took every blood vessel in your body and stretched them out into one long line, it would be able to wrap around the Earth almost 2.5 times. Also, you would die.
- Realized you should never compliment a woman on her mustache… no matter how magnificent it is.
- Wasn’t asked the typical “What’s your greatest weakness” question during the job interview. Talk about disappointment…I have a feeling my planned response of breaking eye contact, becoming quiet and subdued for a moment while slowly leaning forward and saying in a hushed but serious tone “bacon.” would have been a game changer…
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Oh my gosh, I just read them again. Too funny . Which were your favorites and what was the funniest Facebook status update you’ve ever posted?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
I have 2 Posts that I would like to share with you... Keep in mind 2 important things. A.) My Children are Mixed (1/2 Black 1/2 White) and B.) I find my 5 yr old Nehemiah to be very sarcastic, but in a way that makes him seem oh so innocent. I love my Boys! Ok so here are my 2 Posts, This first one took place on March 5th *Side Info, Nehemiah (aka Miah) is in Kindergarten, His class was Studying things about Black History Month and how it came to be and such)..... "How my baby just sit here and say "Mommy, you know back in the old days before I was born and before you were born, no body believed Dr Martin Luther King, so Black people like Me and Daddy and Andre had to sit in the back of the bus and white people like you Mommy had to sit in the front of the bus, all because no body believed Dr. Martin Luther King. But now we are free Mommy!" - I ♥ my Miah. I think he is Ready for the World. ♥ the Second one is a Bit Long but it is way worth the read if you ask me. I will post it as a Reply to this post, Enjoy the read.
As promised here is the 2nd Status update (Story!) This took place on Feb. 12th
This is one of the many reasons I ♥ LOVE ♥ my boys: The following is a bit long but it is worth the read.....
Dinner Conversations with my children:
Me: So Boys how was your day in school?
André: I had a Good Day. We are having a party on Thursday.
Miah: Wanna hear a Story I learned today called Peace and Quiet?
Me: Sure Miah, go ahead and tell me.
Miah: Well there is a Man and a Woman, they live in a house, every night they hear (scratching his fingers on the wall) Scratch scratch, and (rocking back and forth on both feet on the floor) Squeak, squeak. One night they got tired of it, so they went to see the Wise Man. Mommy, Wise Man is another name for Elder, just so you know. So they go to see the Elder. When they get to his house they knock on his door like this *Knocking hard on the table 3x*
The Wise Man opens the door and says "Yes, how can I help you?"
The Man and the Woman say, "Wise Man we are tired, every night we hear scratch, scratch, and squeak, squeak. We just want some Peace and Quiet."
The Elder said, "Do you have a dog?" They said "No." The Elder said, "Go buy a dog and bring him into your house for a week and you will get some Peace and Quiet."
So the Man and Woman went and bought a Dog, they brought the dog inside and all week the dog just barked at night. They went back to the Elder's house and knocked on his door like this *more knocking on my table*
The Wise Man answered the door and said, "Come in, do you want some tea?"
The Man and Woman said, "No! We want some Peace and Quiet!"
The Elder asked the couple, "Do you have a Cat?" they shook their heads and said "No." The Wise Man said, "Go get a cat and bring the cat into your house for a week and you will get some peace and quiet."
The Man and Woman went to the pet store and bought a cat.
Now at night they heard, Scratch, Scratch, *while he was scratching the wall* Squeak, Squeak, *while rocking on his feet on the floor* Woof, Woof, *While sitting on his hands and knees like a dog* Meow, Meow, *While sitting on his but and hands on the floor mocking a cat sitting*
The Man and the Woman, once again went to the Wise Man's house and knocked on his door again, like this Mommy, *More knocking on my table*
Once More the Elder opened the door, and said "Hello. Would you like some tea?"
Once more the Man and Woman said, "No! We want some PEACE AND QUIET!"
Now the Elder asked the Man and Woman, "Do you have a goat?"
Again, they shook their heads no, the Elder said, "Go buy a goat and you will get some peace and quiet." So the Man and Woman went to the pet store and bought a goat.
Now at night they heard this: "Scratch, scratch, squeak, squeak, woof, woof, meow, meow, maaa, maaa. (Excitement in his voice, Mommy did you know a goat says Maaa?! Me: No I did not. Please continue your story, I wanna know if they ever got some peace and quiet.)
Now Mommy, its been 4 weeks (holds up 4 fingers, and counts 1, 2, 3, 4) now they are so tired, the go back to the Elder's house like this (Slowly crawling across the floor) and then knock like this (Three very slow soft knocks on the table) *Mommy they are Exhausted by now they just want some PEACE and QUIET!*
Me: Oh Goodness, I would want some peace and quiet too, Miah.
Miah: Ok, so now the Elder opened the door and asked once again, "Would you like some tea, they said, "No Tea! Just some Peace and Quiet, Please."
Now the Elder says, "Do you have a Duck?" The Man and Woman say, "No we don't have a Duck." So the Elder says, "Go Buy a Duck, you will get some peace and quiet for sure!"
Now the Man and Woman go buy a duck and bring it inside. Now the Man and the Woman, hear this Scratch, scratch, squeak, squeak, woof, woof, meow, meow, maaa, maaa, and quack quack. *(Mind you he is acting out each animal sound as he is saying them.)*
Now Mommy is has been 5 whole weeks, since the Man and Woman have got no sleep. 5 Whole weeks Mommy, count them, One, Two, Three, Four, Five (while holding up his fingers and counting)
Me: Wow, Miah! That is a LOT of no sleep going on. I would be so tired. I would get ear plugs.
Miah: I know Mommy, right?! Now the Man and Woman are really mad so they go back to the Elder's house like this: (Stomping across the floor, to show how mad they were) and now they knock like this: (Knocking very hard and with a scowl on his face 3x on the table) The Elder asks them once more if they want some tea, they both shout NO! and say again (Me and Andre and Miah say) We just want some Peace and Quiet!
Now the Elder says "Ok, ok do You have a Horse?" They say "No!" so the Elder says, "Go Buy a horse and you will have peace and quiet."
So the Man and the Woman go buy a Horse.
*Me: Miah, this Man and Woman must be rich, to be buying all these animals all the time.
Miah: Nope they are not rich. In fact I don't know where they are getting all this money from either Mommy.
Now where was I, Oh yeah, so they got a horse. Now they hear all this noise every night. Scratch, scratch, squeak, squeak, woof, woof, meow, meow, maaa, maaa, quack, quack, and neigh, neigh. (Mommy, horses neigh you know) (again still acting all these animals out.)
Now they are super Mad and they go back to the Wise Man's house and the don't even knock Mommy! They just bust right in and say, "No we don't want any stinkin tea, we just want so peace and quiet!" So the Elder says, "You have a dog, a cat, a goat, a duck, and a horse and you are still getting no Peace and Quiet?" The Elder said, "Go home and go to bed, I will come collect all the animals and you will have some peace and quiet." So the Man and the Woman went home and went to bed. The Wise Man came to their house and collected all the animals and they got some Peace and Quiet at last!
~The End~
Me: Miah, What about the tree scratching outside and the squeaky floor?
Miah: Well when it is not windy the tree won't scratch the house and when no one is walking on the floor the floor doesn't squeak. Simple. :)
Then he kissed me on my head, thanked me for dinner and went to watch TV!
I ♥ LOVE ♥ THAT BOY!
Like your statuses will use them in my wall ))) also like this one
Extra stupid and extra clever people are harmless, half idiots are the most dangerous of all http://facebookstatusbase.com/funny-facebook-status-230/#ZbElcoQliGqQlp4A.99
The Spanx and the freshly showered body... hillarious and true!!!
My son, age 4, has been asking a lot about the difference between male and female genitalia. I explained, again, at bedtime tonight that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. This time, pity creased his brow. "Don't worry, Mommy," he whispered tenderly. "We'll go to the store and *buy* you one." Pause. "A BLUE one!"
K. (my 4 year old son) was 'helping' make fruit salad yesterday afternoon (yay for fresh BC fruit!!) by taking the stems off the cherries. As I was pitting the cherries I noticed some of them had chunks missing. I asked K. what happened to the cherries and he said "I was just having some tastes!" (and then putting the nibbled cherries in the bowl) ....
LOL. The spanx ones made me laugh out loud.
I like to share a jobs opening with you guys. had seen on PakJobs.pk . apparently looks a very nice and pure Pakistani jobs portal.link http://www.pakjobs.pk
7 yr old boy: "Mom, what happens if I feed the dog cheese?"
me: "she'll get really bad gas."
boy: "well that'll be fun for you later!"
My status: "Something I never thought I'd say: (to my roommates 2 kids under 6) BOYS! No, no stop, ok? It is way too dangerous to jump from the escape roof into my open window! We are on the second floor! You could DIE!!!"
Also mine: "Have you ever wanted to go to Kings Cross Station at 10:45 on September 1st, run straight through the barrier between 9 and 10, and see if you can make it to platform 9 3/4? Anyone? No? huh...must just be me then..."
A friends status: "I hate the phrase 'We are expecting.' in reference to pregnancy. Its like 'We are expecting a baby, but it could be a pterodactyl'.".
The tripping kid one is hilarious! I laughed so hard I cried!
Omg...as the mother of a toddler, the Easter Bunny voice one struck me as terribly funny. I literally laughed out loud!
I searched for the first installment; I hadn't read it. I'm posting the link here for the convenience of others who might have missed it also! These were all great!http://www.danoah.com/2012/06/your-funniest-facebook-status-updates.html
Brynn (8yrs): "Mom, what does 69 mean?" Me: dead deathly silence while my life flashed before my eyes, "What do you mean? Where did you hear that?" Brynn: "Like when I did the book report on Cleopatra and it said she was born in 69 BC." I'll be perfectly fine if I never have the opportunity to explain the alternative to her.
My funny facebook status... Some days it's just not with chewing through the leather straps in the morning.
posted originally on Aug. 5: "How to get a panicked bat out of your very small dwelling when you've been woken from a sound sleep in the dead of night", by Misti Bernard first of all, I don't care how hardy you think you are or how pleasant your space is, if your dwelling happens to be at a ren fest, use a big mosquito net canopy. this will not only keep bugs away from you in your sleep, but it gives you valuable breathing room to freak out quietly while the bat is on the OUTSIDE of said net, not flapping in your face or camping in your hair. trust me. that moment makes all the difference to your neighbors at 2 am, when shrieking bloody death is not necessarily the best option. now breathe. allow yourself a moment to do that quiet freaking out, then put on your big girl/boy panties and realize that you are the only one who can fix this, and that you are going to have to pee eventually so you may as well get it over with before you are desperate. note: this little bug-eater is your secret best friend. it might also have rabies. working yourself into a flailing, killing frenzy is a lose-lose situation. here's the good news- the little guy's secret power is echo-location. if you can remember this through your heart-pounding hyperventilatory panic, it means that if you can work up the nerve to venture out of your semi-safe haven long enough to open a door, your new friend will make for that opening like a childfree adult fleeing Walmart the week before school starts. big-girl panties. remember? ok, now make some noise. the same clucking sounds you make when walking through skunk territory at night without a flashlight will work perfectly. Now take your bedsheet and wrap it around you like you're playing the Virgin Mary for Christmas in July. Rabies, remember? Present that little sucker with as little bitable flesh as possible. Ok, steel your nerve. ready? curb the panic, start clucking, get out of bed (close the mosquito net behind you- the very LAST thing you want is to let Das Fledermaus INTO your safe haven while you're trying to free it). Hit the ground immediately & make for the door. Open every possible portal to the outside world THEN collapse onto the floor in your bedsheet fortress sanctuary. Do NOT spend time wondering if bats can bite through cotton- just lay there on the ground. QUIET hyperventilation, remember? poke your head out slowly.. noise? flapping? high-pitched squeaks? no? it's out the door already, easy-peasy. Breathe. Take a moment to appreciate how damn fine you look in those big-girl panties and know in your heart-of-hearts that some day, eventually, you will be able to sleep again.
@Misti Equality Bernard Oh, geeze, that's about as good as the mouse under the bathroom sink.. *shake head.. yeah, it was a doozie too! (too bad.. :P Wish I could copy/paste in here- I'd totally put that story in here!)
The bacon comment was my favorite!!!
LOL kid quote of the day: BBZ (my nephew, age 3): I fall down too sometimes, but most of the time I don't break my foot.We may have set a date. Dec 22! Hopefully the Mayans just ran out of stone...
I agree with Amy Carter... bacon! OMG too funny!
Just Yesterday -
Remember kids : when replacing a toilet, ensure that cabinet above toilet is secure enough to with stand a good whack. Because when you finally pry said toilet off floor it will hit cabinet and all goodies from inside cabinet will rain down on your head.
Also, that stuff in your caulk gun? Not sealant. Adhesive. Good luck getting that shit off your hands before work tomorrow.
One of my favs: pants that got all stretched out while you were pregnant+running down to the laundry room real quick with no belt or underwear on=very happy construction workers across the alley this am. o_O
3 Year old Boy: You know, i played on the stage with the Foo Fighters once.
Mother: Oh yeah? What did you play?
3 Year Old Boy: (with no hesitation) The Tuba.
Your answers had me ROFLSHMFRSMJI (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means). rolling on floor laughing so hard my face really smarts must juggle instead..? or does it mean you just peed your pants? lol
" I feel like I should apologize to everyone at 24 hour fitness for the spandex...but the pain of chub-rub obviously overrides any semblance of fashion sense. Look away...I'm hideous!" (July 23)
"me: "Eoin, stop!" Eoin (my 4 year old son): "Collaborate and listen!" :) Parenting win!" (June 17)
Spanx for Mother's Day. Yes, you would die.
Spanx. Absolutely.
LOL @ "Bacon"
ROTFLMAO to #1,3,6,7 and 13. Too funny!
My Favorite was "My complaint department was being manned by my new secretary, Helen Waite. So if you have any complaints, go to Helen Waite."
I'll have to use this on my business web site..... or NOT...LOL
I just peed a little. that was hilarious!
Yes, the bacon one was my favorite too!
The son being a carbon copy of the father. I almost spit coffee all over my screen when I read that one! Too funny!!! I wish I had you as a Facebook friend Dan!
@MelanieJaneSimmons You can "subscribe" to Dan's public updates. He posts a lot of funny stuff that will show up in your news feed!
I just posted this yesterday: I had a brilliant idea this morning that was going to completely change the way I work. Except by the time I got to work, the brain cell where I hid that idea got ADD and was singing a song from Disney Junior.
*here's a hint for all the star trek fans: if you can't think of the word "tower" when speaking about a computer, don't call it a "containment unit."
*wants to share the quote of the day. "She should have her Internet taken away... she can't tell bullshit from barbecue." ~~ Emma Barton
both are mine... and written for very real reasons. lol
- Just when I think my son is a little carbon copy if his father…that he inherited nothing from me…he trips over his own feet and slams into a wall and I say to myself…ah…there I am.
This one was my favorite, lol. Oh and the bacon one.
Haha, the job interview bacon weakness was my favorite.
Wasn’t asked the typical “What’s your greatest weakness” question during the job interview. Talk about disappointment…I have a feeling my planned response of breaking eye contact, becoming quiet and subdued for a moment while slowly leaning forward and saying in a hushed but serious tone “bacon.” would have been a game changer…!!!! LOL